Men who have racial fetishes?

[StarScream35]

What do you think of guys who have racial fetishes and women for that matter? Yesterday, I met a real nice white guy online and he said he dated nothing but black women. I thought.....cool! But then I thought about it a little more. Do people have preconceived ideas when they have racial preferences? Have they attached themselves to specific stereotypes about that particular group and cannot part ways from these stereotypes? We usually don't think of whites as hating themselves but is there some level of self hate? I'd like to hear what you ladies think and would love to hear from ladies that have dated non-black men who want black women only.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I'll be watching this thread with interest.

 

[AyannaDivine]

There's a difference between a preference and a fetish.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

No offense, but I think you're thinking about this a little too hard OP. From the info you've provided us, I don't think it's that serious. Now, if there's information you're omitting that gave you the impression that this man has a fetish, then by all means do share!

But from what you've described?? I don't see anything wrong with that. Of course, I would prefer a white man who has dated white women as well as black women in his lifetime, but if he's only dated black women that wouldn't be an instant turn-off to me. That's like a woman saying "I usually date tall men".... does that mean she hates herself if she has a preference for men on the taller side??

That may just be what she's attracted to, or what catches her eye first.

Same with the white guy who you met online. Black women may just catch his eye first more than women of other races. He may just be attracted to the features or personalities of black women in general MORE than he's attracted to women of other races. One of my bf's was caucasian and he dated nothing but black girls. In fact, I don't think he's ever dated a white woman in his life. It didn't bother me though. I never got the impression that it was "self-hate", or that he had a "fetish". He just was exposed to more black girls than white girls plain and simple. I don't think it's self-hate anymore than I think a black woman dating white men is self-hate.

Sad to say, I think this type of fear from bw about "is it just a fetish?" keeps many bw from even trying interracial dating, and I think it's kind of sad.

I say you meet this guy in person, and THEN make up your mind about him. There will be more "clues" or "hints" that will tip you off if this guy DOES indeed have a "fetish" lol. And you have to ask yourself honestly too.....what is a "fetish" though? Idk...to me one is VERY different from a "preference". You would kind of know.

I hope all goes well for you, and come back and keep us posted!

 

[StarScream35]

No offense, but I think you're thinking about this a little too hard OP. From the info you've provided us, I don't think it's that serious. Now, if there's information you're omitting that gave you the impression that this man has a fetish, then by all means do share!

But from what you've described?? I don't see anything wrong with that. Of course, I would prefer a white man who has dated white women as well as black women in his lifetime, but if he's only dated black women that wouldn't be an instant turn-off to me. That's like a woman saying "I usually date tall men".... does that mean she hates herself if she has a preference for men on the taller side??

That may just be what she's attracted to, or what catches her eye first.

Same with the white guy who you met online. Black women may just catch his eye first more than women of other races. He may just be attracted to the features or personalities of black women in general MORE than he's attracted to women of other races. One of my bf's was caucasian and he dated nothing but black girls. In fact, I don't think he's ever dated a white woman in his life. It didn't bother me though. I never got the impression that it was "self-hate", or that he had a "fetish". He just was exposed to more black girls than white girls plain and simple. I don't think it's self-hate anymore than I think a black woman dating white men is self-hate.

Sad to say, I think this type of fear from bw about "is it just a fetish?" keeps many bw from even trying interracial dating, and I think it's kind of sad.

I say you meet this guy in person, and THEN make up your mind about him. There will be more "clues" or "hints" that will tip you off if this guy DOES indeed have a "fetish" lol. And you have to ask yourself honestly too.....what is a "fetish" though? Idk...to me one is VERY different from a "preference". You would kind of know.

I hope all goes well for you, and come back and keep us posted!

Good post! Appreciate it. I omitted nothing about this dude because I don't know much else about him. And maybe you are right, maybe I'm looking more into it than I should but I still wonder about people who do have fetishes or preferences based on race. I see what you are saying about women who like men based on height or whatever but race is much more deep and comes with deeper social issues. I remember I once dated a white guy some years ago, way back in my 20's who had a preference for black women. I later on found out that maybe his preference was based on something unrealistic. He had an overbearing, snotty older sister (she was like 20 years older) and he hated her. Upon telling me about her one day, he said he couldn't wait until the day his girlfriend "goes off" on her. I was like.........You want your girlfriend to go off on your sister. Oh is that why you like black women?? I dunno, it was weird.

But hey, either way, I will definitely talk to this guy and see where it goes.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Good post! Appreciate it. I omitted nothing about this dude because I don't know much else about him. And maybe you are right, maybe I'm looking more into it than I should but I still wonder about people who do have fetishes or preferences based on race. I see what you are saying about women who like men based on height or whatever but race is much more deep and comes with deeper social issues. I remember I once dated a white guy some years ago, way back in my 20's who had a preference for black women. I later on found out that maybe his preference was based on something unrealistic. He had an overbearing, snotty older sister (she was like 20 years older) and he hated her. Upon telling me about her one day, he said he couldn't wait until the day his girlfriend "goes off" on her. I was like.........You want your girlfriend to go off on your sister. Oh is that why you like black women?? I dunno, it was weird.

But hey, either way, I will definitely talk to this guy and see where it goes.

No problem! I hope things go okay for you. If not, then at least it was a learning experience. You could cross him off and then go on to the NEXT! No harm, no foul. No biggie.


Yeah, that experience with that guy in your 20's does seem a little weird ....but....idk.... I'm still not sure I would link that up with him having a racial fetish though. I'm thinking this guy just had some weird issues with his sister, and actually the fact he "hated" his sister so much would be FAR more of a Red Flag then the fact that he liked to date bw. The way a man feels about and treats his mother and his sister are VERY telling in how he will treat you.

Anyway, the only reason why I'm saying that is because not ALL black women "go off" on people. For example, I'm black but I'm not typically one to "go off" on others. If I'm "going off" on you, then you know that it is because you have worked my absolute LAST nerve and have done something so horrifically WRONG that it just cannot be ignored. But it takes a LOT for me to "get there". Idk...some black women are just different. *shrugs* We're not all the same. But at the same time you know him better than I do so lol.......


So yeah, keep the experience of that crazy guy w/the psycho sister out of your mind and give this new guy a chance and see where it may lead. One thing that's great about online dating is that if it doesn't work out with one guy, you can always have plenty of others to choose from!

 

[firecracker]

Folks got issues....................................................who really gives a puck?

 

[FelaShrine]

go ahead

But know if a BM said he only dated only WM or "exoticals"..we would nt be so quick to be understanding or call it a "preference". Plenty of thread if you ever need proof

 

[StarScream35]

go ahead

But know if a BM said he only dated only WM or "exoticals"..we would nt be so quick to be understanding or call it a "preference". Plenty of thread if you ever need proof

Seems like when it's socially acceptable it's a preference but when it's not socially acceptable it's a fetish. This is exactly the reason I often times use the term interchangeably.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I don't know what's going on in any man's head, heck I've been married to my 2nd husband for almost 5 years and far be it for me to try and understand why he does what he does but I know he loves me and he treats me like I want to be treated. He's not into white women either. His teenage daughter is Puerto Rican. I think he just likes what he likes and that's okay with me. Don't think about it too much, you'll give yourself a headache.

 

[StarScream35]

I don't know what's going on in any man's head, heck I've been married to my 2nd husband for almost 5 years and far be it for me to try and understand why he does what he does but I know he loves me and he treats me like I want to be treated. He's not into white women either. His teenage daughter is Puerto Rican. I think he just likes what he likes and that's okay with me. Don't think about it too much, you'll give yourself a headache.

Thanks mami!

 

[SmileyNY]

Op, you need to be less worried about the white guy who only dates black women & more concerned about the white guy who never dated a black woman and wants to make you the first. That guy is more likely to be the one with a fetish... and finally found enough nerve to act on it.

(I'm not saying all white men who want to date a black woman for the 1st time have fetishes... Most don't. I'm just saying the ones with fetishes are more than likely the ones that haven't seriously dated many black women before.)

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

Interesting comments.

 

[ms.mimi]

fet·ish
1. An object that is believed to have magical or spiritual powers, especially such an object associated with animistic or shamanistic religious practices.
2. An object of unreasonably excessive attention or reverence: made a fetish of punctuality.
3. Something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification.
4. An abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.
pref·er·ence
1. a. The selecting of someone or something over another or others.
b. The right or chance to so choose.
c. Someone or something so chosen. See Synonyms at choice.

2. The state of being preferred.

 

[Lymegreen]

Short answer: No

ETA:

I also think preference is being confused with fetish in the OP.

 

[greenandchic]

Being that I'm from the Bay Area and now live in Portland, I've dated men of different races and never gave it (their preference) much thought. The guy I'm seeing right now has a preference for BW and has since he was child when he first saw BW on TV in the '60-70s. He thought The Ronettes visually blew every white girl he saw out of the water. He grew up in an all white rural town so he wasn't exposed to POC until he moved to the city to go to college.

His ex-wife was white, but he dated women of (almost) all races even though his attraction is to BW. There is no 'hot jungle lovin' stereotype, just racial preference just as he has preferences in personality, mannerisms, etc. I don't think its that deep.

I am cautions of guys who make a big damn deal out of it though. The ones who have to mention it every 10 minutes during a date, has a million IR dating related questions, overly intrigued, etc.

 

[Blyss_curls]

Op, you need to be less worried about the white guy who only dates black women & more concerned about the white guy who never dated a black woman and wants to make you the first. That guy is more likely to be the one with a fetish... and finally found enough nerve to act on it.

(I'm not saying all white men who want to date a black woman for the 1st time have fetishes... Most don't. I'm just saying the ones with fetishes are more than likely the ones that haven't seriously dated many black women before.)

Great advice! Always beware of being the first. (blyss shudders)

Honestly, the women I feel the worst for, on the fetish front? Asians.
They seem to get it so bad....so many dudes (of every race), w/weird ideas about the sweet, docile, asian woman. (eye roll). They look so shocked when the asian woman they expect to be all giggly and sweet, cusses them out and tells them, "...get the f*** outta' here w/that ish!"

 

[BGT]

There's nothing wrong with being a WM's first BW. I'm SO's first BW and I'm the longest and most serious relationship he's ever had. How about you just go out with him, and if you like him and he likes you, and it feels genuine, go for it.

 

[FelaShrine]

I am cautions of guys who make a big damn deal out of it though. The ones who have to mention it every 10 minutes during a date, has a million IR dating related questions, overly intrigued, etc.

so true.

There was a thread about beta/alpha males once, an article was posted and barbie posted some link about the writer..one of his blog post was about how he decided one day to get with a BW..how easy it was and then he went on about how his jizz looked against her skin..all sorts of mess. Ish was so disgusting while I know not all are like that, esp not the oines Ive dated..psychos like that so exist.

anyway OP let us know how it goes.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Being that I'm from the Bay Area and now live in Portland, I've dated men of different races and never gave it (their preference) much thought. The guy I'm seeing right now has a preference for BW and has since he was child when he first saw BW on TV in the '60-70s. He thought The Ronettes visually blew every white girl he saw out of the water. He grew up in an all white rural town so he wasn't exposed to POC until he moved to the city to go to college.

His ex-wife was white, but he dated women of (almost) all races even though his attraction is to BW. There is no 'hot jungle lovin' stereotype, just racial preference just as he has preferences in personality, mannerisms, etc. I don't think its that deep.

I am cautions of guys who make a big damn deal out of it though. The ones who have to mention it every 10 minutes during a date, has a million IR dating related questions, overly intrigued, etc.

greenandchic
Yea that would get on my nerves too.

I don't mind if you've never dated IRacially before, but don't be so nervous and on edge about it to the point where you're afraid to even have a NORMAL conversation w/me that doesn't center on race! Idk about other ladies here, but when I'm out w/my girl friends (or even strictly platonic male friends) the topic of race RARELY (if ever) even gets talked about.....like barely....ever. It's just not a high-priority topic of discussion for us. We're so busy having fun, enjoying each other's company and talking about everything ELSE under the sun (usually guys lol ) that we don't even discuss those race issues at all....and even if we do, it's usually very brief and not something harped upon anyway.

So if I'm dating a guy of another race and he wants to harp upon race or ask questions like:" why do you guys...??" OH No....puh-leeze... That would be a MAJOR turn-off, because to me imo...we're ALL basically the same. We've had different life experiences sure...but hasn't everybody?? I don't need to give a dissertation on "The Black Experience in America" or answer FAQ's you've had about Black people as if I'm some kind of anomaly.

I just want to be treated like I'm NORMAL...not some animal in a cage that you go investigate at the zoo.

If a guy of another race who's interested in me can be normal and treat me normally when we're out together (which most have so I'm not complaining ) then we can definitely have a future together. Eventually we can get into the "heavy" race-based talks as they come up and as I get to know you better. But if we're on the first few dates together and you're bringing that subject up?? Ehhh....Idk....that's just a turn-off to me.

There's nothing wrong with being a WM's first BW. I'm SO's first BW and I'm the longest and most serious relationship he's ever had. How about you just go out with him, and if you like him and he likes you, and it feels genuine, go for it.

BGT

Ha! I was JUST about to say this very thing! Don't be so leary of men of other races who may be dating a BW for the first time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this imo. In fact, IR dating (although it's been around for a long time) is still something that's quite fairly new to some people...especially depending on what area of the country you may live in.

Plus, even some BW are dating IR themselves for the FIRST time.... So, if a BW dates a white man or an asian man for the first time, would it be reasonable for them to automatically assume that she has a "fetish" for them??

Idk...seems kinda silly if you ask me.

Like I said earlier, once you start going out w/someone and start talking and conversing w/them on a regular basis, you'll eventually be able to decipher whether the person just has a preference or has some other deeper issues going on. And if they do, then say "NEXT!!" and KIM. No harm, no foul. It's just like dating a man of your same race. SOME men have what you're looking for, others don't. Plain and simple. In each of those cases, you just move on. No biggie! It's really not that serious



I wonder if ww ever wonder if bm have a "fetish" for them?? I'm just wondering, because they sure seem pretty content with dating bm w/out any qualms. I see bm w/white/hispanic/indian women everyday around my parts. I'm just saying............lol

 

[greenandchic]

greenandchic
Yea that would get on my nerves too.

I don't mind if you've never dated IRacially before, but don't be so nervous and on edge about it to the point where you're afraid to even have a NORMAL conversation w/me that doesn't center on race! Idk about other ladies here, but when I'm out w/my girl friends (or even strictly platonic male friends) the topic of race RARELY (if ever) even gets talked about.....like barely....ever. It's just not a high-priority topic of discussion for us. We're so busy having fun, enjoying each other's company and talking about everything ELSE under the sun (usually guys lol ) that we don't even discuss those race issues at all....and even if we do, it's usually very brief and not something harped upon anyway.

So if I'm dating a guy of another race and he wants to harp upon race or ask questions like:" why do you guys...??" OH No....puh-leeze... That would be a MAJOR turn-off, because to me imo...we're ALL basically the same. We've had different life experiences sure...but hasn't everybody?? I don't need to give a dissertation on "The Black Experience in America" or answer FAQ's you've had about Black people as if I'm some kind of anomaly.

I just want to be treated like I'm NORMAL...not some animal in a cage that you go investigate at the zoo.

If a guy of another race who's interested in me can be normal and treat me normally when we're out together (which most have so I'm not complaining ) then we can definitely have a future together. Eventually we can get into the "heavy" race-based talks as they come up and as I get to know you better. But if we're on the first few dates together and you're bringing that subject up?? Ehhh....Idk....that's just a turn-off to me.
BGT

Ha! I was JUST about to say this very thing! Don't be so leary of men of other races who may be dating a BW for the first time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this imo. In fact, IR dating (although it's been around for a long time) is still something that's quite fairly new to some people...especially depending on what area of the country you may live in.

Plus, even some BW are dating IR themselves for the FIRST time.... So, if a BW dates a white man or an asian man for the first time, would it be reasonable for them to automatically assume that she has a "fetish" for them??

Idk...seems kinda silly if you ask me.

Like I said earlier, once you start going out w/someone and start talking and conversing w/them on a regular basis, you'll eventually be able to decipher whether the person just has a preference or has some other deeper issues going on. And if they do, then say "NEXT!!" and KIM. No harm, no foul. It's just like dating a man of your same race. SOME men have what you're looking for, others don't. Plain and simple. In each of those cases, you just move on. No biggie! It's really not that serious



I wonder if ww ever wonder if bm have a "fetish" for them?? I'm just wondering, because they sure seem pretty content with dating bm w/out any qualms. I see bm w/white/hispanic/indian women everyday around my parts. I'm just saying............lol

The bolded for sure. Race do come up, but its usually in context of a particular discussion such as politics, education or family. He just so happen to have worked in an innercity school so we've had many discussions about that. Ironically the discussions are rarely about the two of us when it comes to race...

 

[SmileyNY]

I see some didn't read my post. I said MOST white guys dating a black woman for the 1st DO NOT have a fetish.

I said THOSE THAT DO are most likely the ones that have never had a relationship with a black girl.

I knew ppl would misconstrue. Disclaimer and all!! Smh. lol

 

[greenandchic]

so true.

There was a thread about beta/alpha males once, an article was posted and barbie posted some link about the writer..one of his blog post was about how he decided one day to get with a BW..how easy it was and then he went on about how his jizz looked against her skin..all sorts of mess. Ish was so disgusting while I know not all are like that, esp not the oines Ive dated..psychos like that so exist.

anyway OP let us know how it goes.

Ewwww, what a pig!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I see some didn't read my post. I said MOST white guys dating a black woman for the 1st DO NOT have a fetish.

I said THOSE THAT DO are most likely the ones that have never had a relationship with a black girl.

I knew ppl would misconstrue. Disclaimer and all!! Smh. lol

*Deep breath in....deep breath out* It's okay.... Sometimes people mention things not in retaliation, but more so for clarification purposes or in addition to a topic that is already being discussed. So, you brought up the topic of the "fetish" again, but didn't elaborate.

I can't speak for others, but I was just elaborating. You just never know when something you post may help someone or encourage somebody else to see things a different way! I saw your disclaimer so I knew where you stood.

 

[PinkPeony]

I know I said this many times before.
Just imagine the situation reversed,a bm/am tells a ww that he only dates ww would she or most other ww really question his reasons?
No they probably would be understanding and see it as completely normal even expected.
I've met more ww baffled (in the US) at any race men not solely interested in them then anything else.

That's how I approach my appeal, I'm genuinely confused if a men does not find me attractive based on my race.
I expect men to find me attractive and so it is.

 

[FelaShrine]

I
No they probably would be understanding and see it as completely normal even expected.
.

LOL you must be new here

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

Op, you need to be less worried about the white guy who only dates black women & more concerned about the white guy who never dated a black woman and wants to make you the first. That guy is more likely to be the one with a fetish... and finally found enough nerve to act on it.

(I'm not saying all white men who want to date a black woman for the 1st time have fetishes... Most don't. I'm just saying the ones with fetishes are more than likely the ones that haven't seriously dated many black women before.)

But, wouldn't this be her first white guy too. How do we know he's not on a hair club for men board asking the same question.

 

[PinkPeony]

LOL you must be new here

Laughs no check my join date dear.
I was referring to the ww thinking it is normal that everyone would consider them most attractive, maybe you misunderstood this part

 

[FelaShrine]

Considering the history of this country, not the same

we still have movies where BW are only casted to serve as prostitutes to WM..Check out Lawless that came out just 2 weeks ago.

I get your point though

anyway people have their suspicions for a reason. Sometimes it turns out to be wrong, sometimes its right on the money esp in regards to American Whites. Italians from Italy are pretty messed up too. Ive dealt with the ones with other countries and i never got the stupid 50-11 questions/arkwardness. Anyway At the end of the day it depends on the dude. Hopefully the OP will have nothing to worry about and it's all good!

 

[SmileyNY]

*Deep breath in....deep breath out* It's okay.... Sometimes people mention things not in retaliation, but more so for clarification purposes or in addition to a topic that is already being discussed. So, you brought up the topic of the "fetish" again, but didn't elaborate.

I can't speak for others, but I was just elaborating. You just never know when something you post may help someone or encourage somebody else to see things a different way! I saw your disclaimer so I knew where you stood.

Crystalicequeen123 My last post was for clarification. I was not worked up or upset as you so eloquently indicated. However, I do find the beginning of your response highly patronizing and a bit immature.

As for the rest of your post... If you want to say that your post wasn't in response to mine or that you were just providing clarification for a post that already had a clear disclaimer then.... I'm fine with that.

That is all...