Men and Celibacy: Is it possible?

[PaperClip]

Ok... this conversation comes out of a dinner convo I had over the weekend....

My best friend's sister is engaged to be married.... They have been dating for four years. My best friend and her sister grew up in church, are saved, Holy Spirit filled, etc. It appears that the fiance is not Holy Spirit filled.

During the conversation, the question came up about virginity and levels and degrees of intimate relations between a saved couple. And how at times a couple can engage in certain intimate activities, kissing, petting, and maybe even more, etc. Eventually, this direct question came up: how can/does a man "maintain" himself if he is not engaging in direct "release" after such stimulating activity?"

My best friend's sister kinda didn't have an answer to this question.... But she did talk about how that maybe her fiance didn't find her as attractive so maybe that makes it easier for him to not be so sexually stimulated, which then led us to talk about why would they get married if he might feel that or she feels that he feels that way....

I personally think four years is a VERY LONG TIME to be dating and there's the point that when a man is ready to get married, then nothing can stop him from that goal. I also know in my experience, when the issue of sex came up and when the guy found out that there would be no sex, they simply didn't stay around.... so how does this guy stay for FOUR YEARS?

Just curious to hear other perspectives....

 

[GodsPromises]

With God all things are possible. I truly do believe that God would not ask from anyone more than we can do, so yes it is possible for men to remain celibaciate for a long period of time.

 

[Glib Gurl]

I am really interested to hear people's responses to this (and hopefully "success stories") as my female friends and I talk about this all the time, but I really don't know any guy friends well enough to ask. (Well, the ones I do know, I know enough what their answer would be so . . . .)

 

[envybeauty]

As with anything (dieting, working out, celibacy, etc.), the level of success depends on the person's determination to succeed and will power. I know a guy who got married at age 29 as a VIRGIN. A black man. Went to an HBCU. Graduate degree. White collar worker. Christian.

He was determined to save himself for marriage and he did. Mind you, he met the woman (not sure as to her virginal status at marriage) and they were married less than 2 years after MEETING (not dating).

To each his own.

 

[cocoberry10]

Yes. I can give an example of a beautiful couple (beautiful physically and spiritually) that is an example of this. He (groom to be) was married before. And he loved his wife, but she cheated on him. What caused some “static” in their marriage was that she no longer wanted to work at all, but continued wanting to spend/live like she did when she worked (she was a VP of some finance corp, and he owns his own real estate, financial planning biz). Well, anyway, she ended up cheating on him. They divorced. Some years later he met a friend of mine (bride to be) (she’s older than me in her early 30’s). Never married. She had been in a fruitless relationship with a guy who cheated on her also. Ironically, he didn’t “work” either. He was an investment banker, and could do 1-2/3 transactions a year and make 6 figures, but he didn’t “work regularly.” He moved into her house (he had the money to live on his own). Then he ended up having to move his nephew in, b/c his sis was having some “personal issues.” She is a lawyer, went to work everyday, and her man is laying up in the house, chilling (I mean like I said he was making a 6 figure salary, but anyway). She went through a life change and wanted to leave her law firm, which she did. She moved and then realized that this wasn’t the life she wanted. She also subsequently found out he cheated on her. About 9 months later, she was introduced to her husband to be. Turns out when she was in law school, he was at the same school getting his MBA, but they didn’t know each other. A mutual friend of theirs, who was getting his Ph.D introduced them, b/c he and the groom to be were frat brothers (that’s how they met).

So here, God was ordering their steps all along. Their paths “danced with each other,” but never crossed. Well, they have been celibate for the almost 2 years they’ve been together, and will marry next May. Oh, and the icing on the cake…it was HIS idea to be celibate. He said the next time he was in a relationship after his divorce, he wanted to be spiritually together, and really follow God’s counsel. That’s like the best story I know!

 

[klb120475]

Ok... this conversation comes out of a dinner convo I had over the weekend....

My best friend's sister is engaged to be married.... They have been dating for four years. My best friend and her sister grew up in church, are saved, Holy Spirit filled, etc. It appears that the fiance is not Holy Spirit filled.

During the conversation, the question came up about virginity and levels and degrees of intimate relations between a saved couple. And how at times a couple can engage in certain intimate activities, kissing, petting, and maybe even more, etc. Eventually, this direct question came up: how can/does a man "maintain" himself if he is not engaging in direct "release" after such stimulating activity?"

My best friend's sister kinda didn't have an answer to this question.... But she did talk about how that maybe her fiance didn't find her as attractive so maybe that makes it easier for him to not be so sexually stimulated, which then led us to talk about why would they get married if he might feel that or she feels that he feels that way....

I personally think four years is a VERY LONG TIME to be dating and there's the point that when a man is ready to get married, then nothing can stop him from that goal. I also know in my experience, when the issue of sex came up and when the guy found out that there would be no sex, they simply didn't stay around.... so how does this guy stay for FOUR YEARS?

Just curious to hear other perspectives....

Whoa....now that disturbs me. Surely, she doesn't believe this for real? No, matter how unattractive she may feel she is....a man's physical desires will override her looks.

Now, I for one believe that a man can hold it down and resist his flesh just as a woman can...if he chooses to do so. While the guy may not be spirit filled that doesn't mean he doesn't have morals. I'm hoping the guy truly loves her and chose a celibate lifestyle with the intentions of one day making her his "help meet".

 

[PaperClip]

Thank you for responding... please share more....

Yes, klb... when she said that, we immediately checked that on her, saying that the main question has NOTHING to do with her looks but the fact that she (kept) bringing that up did raise some eyebrows. She's a beautiful, bright young lady who runs marathons and is doing her thing. Apparently her fiance used to date Beyonce types (tall, long hair, lighter, shapely figure). She's got all of that except she's a little shorter and more brown/chocolate complexion.

 

[Glib Gurl]

So here, God was ordering their steps all along. Their paths “danced with each other,” but never crossed. Well, they have been celibate for the almost 2 years they’ve been together, and will marry next May. Oh, and the icing on the cake…it was HIS idea to be celibate. He said the next time he was in a relationship after his divorce, he wanted to be spiritually together, and really follow God’s counsel. That’s like the best story I know!

That is so beautiful! I wish them well!

 

[Supergirl]

My husband was a virgin on our wedding night, rare but true. It IS possible. RR, don't feel like you have to settle in this area. If a man walks away because you don't want to give up the goods before you're his wife, you see what he was all about from the get go. (I know you know this, a sista is just remindin' you! )

For me, my husband was "exceeding abundantly" above all I'd asked or thought. At first, I hoped for a man that would "tolerate" my celibacy. As I grew more in the Lord, I knew I would not accept mere tolerance but someone who had the same principles and values as myself in that area. Well, God really went beyond all that by setting me up with a virginal man. That definitely wasn't a requirement of mine, especially since I was not a virgin but it was like God was trying to say "See, I can do better than what you yourself would've done!"

 

[StrawberryQueen]

So are you asking how a man remains celibate, or how he prevents getting aroused when he's messing around?

 

[klb120475]

Thank you for responding... please share more....

Yes, klb... when she said that, we immediately checked that on her, saying that the main question has NOTHING to do with her looks but the fact that she (kept) bringing that up did raise some eyebrows. She's a beautiful, bright young lady who runs marathons and is doing her thing. Apparently her fiance used to date Beyonce types (tall, long hair, lighter, shapely figure). She's got all of that except she's a little shorter and more brown/chocolate complexion.

Wow, sounds like she has a self esteem issue. I'll be praying on that for her.

 

[alexstin]

Ok... this conversation comes out of a dinner convo I had over the weekend....

My best friend's sister is engaged to be married.... They have been dating for four years. My best friend and her sister grew up in church, are saved, Holy Spirit filled, etc. It appears that the fiance is not Holy Spirit filled.

During the conversation, the question came up about virginity and levels and degrees of intimate relations between a saved couple. And how at times a couple can engage in certain intimate activities, kissing, petting, and maybe even more, etc. Eventually, this direct question came up: how can/does a man "maintain" himself if he is not engaging in direct "release" after such stimulating activity?"

My best friend's sister kinda didn't have an answer to this question.... But she did talk about how that maybe her fiance didn't find her as attractive so maybe that makes it easier for him to not be so sexually stimulated, which then led us to talk about why would they get married if he might feel that or she feels that he feels that way....

I personally think four years is a VERY LONG TIME to be dating and there's the point that when a man is ready to get married, then nothing can stop him from that goal. I also know in my experience, when the issue of sex came up and when the guy found out that there would be no sex, they simply didn't stay around.... so how does this guy stay for FOUR YEARS?

Just curious to hear other perspectives....

Yes, but it's going to be hard if you're engaging in the activities above. How can you engage in those activities and still keep lustful thoughts at bay? Why open the door to be tempted like that? I think that just ;eads down a slippery slope(masturbation, porn, etc, etc)

 

[PaperClip]

So are you asking how a man remains celibate, or how he prevents getting aroused when he's messing around?

How a man remains celibate. I'm thinking it would be a BIG problem if he couldn't get aroused....

 

[Poohbear]

Yes it is!!! My ex-bf is practicing celibacy.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

How a man remains celibate. I'm thinking it would be a BIG problem if he couldn't get aroused....

Oh ok lol, that's what I was trying to figure out. I think it's highly possible for men to be celibate, but in these days it's not something that is stressed with men, especially black men.

It really comes from the strong devout family unit and a good church home to these values come. And of course there are the occasional gems who come to these decisions all on their own.

But I think it's natural to want to fool around, and going to the next level can def be controlled. I don't think it's a "slippery slope" at all.

 

[Trini"T"]

Oh ok lol, that's what I was trying to figure out. I think it's highly possible for men to be celibate, but in these days it's not something that is stressed with men, especially black men.

It really comes from the strong devout family unit and a good church home to these values come. And of course there are the occasional gems who come to these decisions all on their own.

But I think it's natural to want to fool around, and going to the next level can def be controlled. I don't think it's a "slippery slope" at all.

However what about alexstin's question? "How do you keep lustful thoughts at bay"? Lusting after someone is not considered holy. God searches the mind and the heart. I think it's like the adultery thing, just because you're not actually doing it doesn't mean it's okay.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

However what about alexstin's question? "How do you keep lustful thoughts at bay"? Lusting after someone is not considered holy. God searches the mind and the heart. I think it's like the adultery thing, just because you're not actually doing it doesn't mean it's okay.

Not sure how to answer that, as I feel differently about lust.

 

[alexstin]

However what about alexstin's question? "How do you keep lustful thoughts at bay"? Lusting after someone is not considered holy. God searches the mind and the heart. I think it's like the adultery thing, just because you're not actually doing it doesn't mean it's okay.

Exactly. Let's call a spade a spade.

 

[live2bgr8]

Yes, but it's going to be hard if you're engaging in the activities above. How can you engage in those activities and still keep lustful thoughts at bay? Why open the door to be tempted like that? I think that just ;eads down a slippery slope(masturbation, porn, etc, etc)

I agree. It's best not to go there.

That said-- if he is not filled with the Holy Spirit, there is a whole lot of fishiness going on. Something came to me as I was reading RR's post. Maybe he is living a double life on the DL. The other thought was that maybe he has given himself up to to many women and he has very little lese to give... I don't want to break anything up but it's something your friend needs to seriously adress before walking down that aisle. Don't be in such a hurry to be married to someone who is not God's best (not filled with the holy spirit and ready to do everything but the sex act itself).

Marriage is already heard enough for two believers (who desperately want to please God). If she goes through with this (not waiting on God) I'm afraid she will be facing hell on earth....

Just my 2 cents.

On topic though, yes a man can abstain from sex. It was done throughout the Bible and it's still being done today. Just like SG said-- God knows those men by heart and mind and will bring them to the right women at the right time.

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

It's not really hard to keep lustful thoughts at bay if he stays focused. Honestly to one's self about weaknesses, stimulations and limitations fortify the mind, body and spirit against temptation. Things go wrong when some men involve themselves with distractions, such as finding creative 'technicalities' that allow him to enjoy a few indulgences without breaking the main rule. The obvious benefit of this is clear but I don't think some men consider the negative effects, such as how it can undermine things. Contrary to belief, everything in life is not eligible for compromise. Sometimes you just have to walk down one side of the road to receive the full benefit of the effort put in.

Four years seems like a long time to date but these days people put marriage off until they feel things are as 'right' as possible financially and occupationally. Some are also discouraged by the highly publicized horror stories they hear regarding celebrity divorce settlements. Add in the fears of hidden sexual taboos and that train is moving slow. I'm just glad they took 4 years to get married rather then spend 20 years shacking up.

Believe it or not, celibacy IS stressed to black men who attend church. When I attend the men only ministries they ARE telling the men to 'wait before they impregnate'. They are stressing character development. However many young blk men are not going to church so they are not receiving the instruction. The peer pressure to have sex these days is ridiculous. Influences tie his masculinity to his sexual prowness. All they hear and see around them is someone saying, " you aren't a man unless you get some" and "if you aren't good at it, I'ma talk about you and how bad it is. Minute by minute. Play by play. "

BMWSS

 

[klb120475]

It's not really hard to keep lustful thoughts at bay if he stays focused. Honestly to one's self about weaknesses, stimulations and personal limitations fortify the mind, body and spirit against temptation. Things go wrong when some men involve themselves with distractions, such as finding creative 'technicalities' that allow him to enjoy a few indulgences without breaking the main rule. The obvious benefit of this is clear but I don't think some men consider the negative effects, such as how it can undermine things. Contrary to belief, everything in life is not eligible for compromise. Sometimes you just have to walk down one side of the road to receive the full benefit of the effort put in.

Four years seems like a long time to date but these days people put marriage off until they feel things are as 'right' as possible financially and occupationally. Some are also discouraged by the highly publicized horror stories they hear regarding celebrity divorce settlements. Add in the fears of hidden sexual taboos and that train is moving slow. I'm just glad they took 4 years to get married rather then spend 20 years shacking up.

Believe it or not, celibacy IS stressed to black men who attend church. When I attend the men only ministries they ARE telling the men to 'wait before they impregnate'. They are stressing character development. However many young blk men are not going to church so they are not receiving the instruction. The peer pressure to have sex these days is ridiculous. Influences tie his masculinity to his sexual prowness. All they hear and see around them is someone saying, " you aren't a man unless you get some".

I enjoy your posts, you always have substance.

 

[BlkManWithSomeSense]

Whoa....now that disturbs me. Surely, she doesn't believe this for real? No, matter how unattractive she may feel she is....a man's physical desires will override her looks.

Now, I for one believe that a man can hold it down and resist his flesh just as a woman can...if he chooses to do so. While the guy may not be spirit filled that doesn't mean he doesn't have morals. I'm hoping the guy truly loves her and chose a celibate lifestyle with the intentions of one day making her his "help meet".

I really agree. Besides if a man loves a woman enough looks are superficial anyway. Men are looking for something to believe in and someone who believes in them. Celibacy would be strange at first but as with any habit thats hard to break, in time, it smooths out and becomes a non -existent issue.

BMWSS

P.S. thanks for the compliment

 

[chica_canella]

Ok, this is what I have to say. It is hard for females to be celibate. i mean it really is, especially when you have male friends at your beck and call.

I think that it is possible but men or women can't even let their mind go there because once you do, it just continues. And I'm filled with the holy spirit and it is hard for me to not sin so I can just imagine someone without the holy spirit trying to be celibate.

I think it is a renewing of the mind becasue that is what it says in Romans 12. If a man or woman can find out how to do that then they will be ok.

 

[Monilove122]

So are you asking how a man remains celibate, or how he prevents getting aroused when he's messing around?

That was my thought too cause I don't think there is a way that he can keep from being aroused. Also, I know that with God all things are possible. I must say though that I've never heard of a couple dating THAT long while practicing celibacy and the man wasn't either being pleasured by someone else or pleasuring himself (not trying to be graphic at all). I think it's one thing to be celibate when you don't have a partner heck I'm celibate now as I am newly single but I cannot see me dating someone for 4 years (that is a long courtship to me) and being celibate all that time.

 

[chinadoll]

Yes. I can give an example of a beautiful couple (beautiful physically and spiritually) that is an example of this. He (groom to be) was married before. And he loved his wife, but she cheated on him. What caused some “static” in their marriage was that she no longer wanted to work at all, but continued wanting to spend/live like she did when she worked (she was a VP of some finance corp, and he owns his own real estate, financial planning biz). Well, anyway, she ended up cheating on him. They divorced. Some years later he met a friend of mine (bride to be) (she’s older than me in her early 30’s). Never married. She had been in a fruitless relationship with a guy who cheated on her also. Ironically, he didn’t “work” either. He was an investment banker, and could do 1-2/3 transactions a year and make 6 figures, but he didn’t “work regularly.” He moved into her house (he had the money to live on his own). Then he ended up having to move his nephew in, b/c his sis was having some “personal issues.” She is a lawyer, went to work everyday, and her man is laying up in the house, chilling (I mean like I said he was making a 6 figure salary, but anyway). She went through a life change and wanted to leave her law firm, which she did. She moved and then realized that this wasn’t the life she wanted. She also subsequently found out he cheated on her. About 9 months later, she was introduced to her husband to be. Turns out when she was in law school, he was at the same school getting his MBA, but they didn’t know each other. A mutual friend of theirs, who was getting his Ph.D introduced them, b/c he and the groom to be were frat brothers (that’s how they met).

So here, God was ordering their steps all along. Their paths “danced with each other,” but never crossed. Well, they have been celibate for the almost 2 years they’ve been together, and will marry next May. Oh, and the icing on the cake…it was HIS idea to be celibate. He said the next time he was in a relationship after his divorce, he wanted to be spiritually together, and really follow God’s counsel. That’s like the best story I know!

Awwwww :Rose: That's so nice. We need more men like him.

 

[GoingBack]

It's possible ladies. I have a male friend who has been celibate for the past 2.5 years...and he is a wealthy, successful attorney. He has never been the type of man to sleep with a lot of ladies though. Ladies do hit on him, but he wants a wife and not the drama that comes with being intimate with someone just for the sake of it. He believes that sex is sacred. Maybe a large part of it is that he wasn't born here in America and thus is as over sexualized like so many others.

 

[SkinnyMocah]

I personally think four years is a VERY LONG TIME to be dating and there's the point that when a man is ready to get married, then nothing can stop him from that goal. I also know in my experience, when the issue of sex came up and when the guy found out that there would be no sex, they simply didn't stay around.... so how does this guy stay for FOUR YEARS?

Just curious to hear other perspectives....

This is my exact experience and question and why I don't really date. Even men in the church have sex, they just want you to keep quiet about it. I'm not optimistic that any man has gone 4 yrs without having sex.

But don't listen to my jaded, old maid, crazy old bat opinion.

 

[chinadoll]

It's possible ladies. I have a male friend who has been celibate for the past 2.5 years...and he is a wealthy, successful attorney. He has never been the type of man to sleep with a lot of ladies though. Ladies do hit on him, but he wants a wife and not the drama that comes with being intimate with someone just for the sake of it. He believes that sex is sacred. Maybe a large part of it is that he wasn't born here in America and thus is as over sexualized like so many others.

Where is he from?

 

[UmSumayyah]

As with anything (dieting, working out, celibacy, etc.), the level of success depends on the person's determination to succeed and will power. I know a guy who got married at age 29 as a VIRGIN. A black man. Went to an HBCU. Graduate degree. White collar worker. Christian.

He was determined to save himself for marriage and he did. Mind you, he met the woman (not sure as to her virginal status at marriage) and they were married less than 2 years after MEETING (not dating).

To each his own.

That "no sex outside of marriage" thing does serve as motivation to speed some people to the altar once they have found a compatible mate.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

This is my exact experience and question and why I don't really date. Even men in the church have sex, they just want you to keep quiet about it. I'm not optimistic that any man has gone 4 yrs without having sex.

But don't listen to my jaded, old maid, crazy old bat opinion.

I have to agree. A man who was remaining abstinent, but engaged said that while women have urges their cycle is every 28 days, men go through a cycle every 3 days. Basically, they're always "hot".

I had a conversation about this issue with my girlfriends. I was thinking about some Christian guys who were seemingly"good catches" in their late 30s/ early 40s and wondering how they were still single and free. All things are possible with God. They are. I just don's see, however, why a man with sexual urges would choose to voluntarily choose to remain single with more single beautiful Christian women to count. I hate to say it but oftentimes he's: having his physical needs met usually by women not in the church if he wants to keep us a certain image, has emotional issues he's trying to heal from and may not be ready for a relationship anyway, has kids but wants to be with women too young to shoulder the responsibility of being a mother or made the decision fairly recently so that the fire inside hasn't scorched him up yet. This is for Christian guys. If a man doesn't have a strong moral reason, not to have sex, I imagine celibacy would be very difficult.