Married Ladies, Or Those In Ltr's...

[Honey Bee]

What was your man like when you met him? Or when you married him?



What did he do well and where did he fail?

Did you have to fix some ish his mama messed up?

Was he an of the highest regard, who, like an artist, ain't have no money?

Was he , but not getting no ?

Was he a ?

Did he fulfill 4/5 on your list?



Did you 'help guide' your man in the right direction? If so, share your stories with the youngin's.

 

[Honey Bee]

I'll start.

We were 19 when we met, so we still had a lot of growing up to do (fortunately). He fulfilled everything on my 20 pt list, but, when I made the list, I didn't understand the intangibles. His mom had given him all she had, a good family life and an excellent education, but he wasn't entirely sure how to be a man. When I say that, think about the kind of male person (?) who refers to himself as a 'guy' and not a 'man.' After college, he proved himself to be a good provider. Shoot, I was looking for a job and he got me one, not only providing, but giving me a shot at a pretty cool job.

Otoh, the basic, dealing with a woman type ish, he was completely clueless to. His mother is soft. I am not. We're very different sorts of women (even though we get along great). So, being raised by a woman, a woman very much unlike me, and, still feeling more like a 'guy' than a 'man', we embarked on an equal relationship. It didn't last long.

See, here's what his mother did, and what my mother did: they unintentionally emasculated their sons in an effort to keep them alive. I don't blame them, they did what they had to do, but the end result is a half-a-man. Not good for us women. So I set about undoing the parts of his personality that held him back, without messing with the parts that made him good. We discussed all of this fully and he was on board.

You will be glad to know, he now refers to himself as a man.

Now, this is what I do. With friends, family, etc. I've always been the type to find the injured bird and nurse it back to health. It's just that, this time, I'm actually reaping some benefits, yay me. It's funny. I'm disabled, so in this relationship, I'm the literally broken one. By helping me through some harrowing times, I was then able to turn around and help him. This is how couples grow together. I'm so enjoying the man he's become and he literally thanked me for it today. He's making some big moves in his career and, let him him tell it, he never would have had the nerve to even go for some of this stuff if it weren't for me both needing him and encouraging him.

 

[Kookookiwi]

I'll start.

We were 19 when we met, so we still had a lot of growing up to do (fortunately). He fulfilled everything on my 20 pt list, but, when I made the list, I didn't understand the intangibles. His mom had given him all she had, a good family life and an excellent education, but he wasn't entirely sure how to be a man. When I say that, think about the kind of male person (?) who refers to himself as a 'guy' and not a 'man.' After college, he proved himself to be a good provider. Shoot, I was looking for a job and he got me one, not only providing, but giving me a shot at a pretty cool job.

Otoh, the basic, dealing with a woman type ish, he was completely clueless to. His mother is soft. I am not. We're very different sorts of women (even though we get along great). So, being raised by a woman, a woman very much unlike me, and, still feeling more like a 'guy' than a 'man', we embarked on an equal relationship. It didn't last long.

See, here's what his mother did, and what my mother did: they unintentionally emasculated their sons in an effort to keep them alive. I don't blame them, they did what they had to do, but the end result is a half-a-man. Not good for us women. So I set about undoing the parts of his personality that held him back, without messing with the parts that made him good. We discussed all of this fully and he was on board.

You will be glad to know, he now refers to himself as a man.

Now, this is what I do. With friends, family, etc. I've always been the type to find the injured bird and nurse it back to health. It's just that, this time, I'm actually reaping some benefits, yay me. It's funny. I'm disabled, so in this relationship, I'm the literally broken one. By helping me through some harrowing times, I was then able to turn around and help him. This is how couples grow together. I'm so enjoying the man he's become and he literally thanked me for it today. He's making some big moves in his career and, let him him tell it, he never would have had the nerve to even go for some of this stuff if it weren't for me both needing him and encouraging him.

Would you mind sharing how you helped him grow out of the half-man phase and into a full man? Some examples of what you did in certain situations?

My honey and I are young and still in that growing phase. Thank you so much for this thread. It's not often people speak of the development they and their spouse/SO have gone through.

 

[sweetvi]

thx for this. im taking notes

 

[PrissiSippi]

What was your man like when you met him? Or when you married him?



What did he do well and where did he fail?
Did you have to fix some ish his mama messed up?
Was he an of the highest regard, who, like an artist, ain't have no money?
Was he , but not getting no ?
Was he a ?
Did he fulfill 4/5 on your list?
Did you 'help guide' your man in the right direction? If so, share your stories with the youngin's.

You'll know if he's the one. You'll feel it in your gut. But he may not come packaged in pretty paper like you're expecting. Your packaging might be messed up as well on the flip side.

My mother recently had to be at the airport at 4:30 AM. I told her gladly i would take her and DH stepped up and said baby do you want us to take her together? I said I'd love it if you did but I understand if you don't because you have to leave for work at 7. Without the bat of an eye he said he'd take me and both of us picked up my ma and took her to the airport. As a family. As a unit. Man it felt good.

He has always done those types of things, but it was hard to see it. Two years ago I probably wouldn't have let him lead. I probably would have told him I got it and just do it on my on and then wonder why he didn't lead when it was important to me down the line. He was slow about leadership at first, and needed validations and stroking. I wasn't that type of girl. I've never seen that behavior. When I first met him I made post after post about how lame he was and how he didn't have swag and would I ever learn to love the lame guy. What was lame you say? How he dressed, him being too cheap to get a nice haircut, not standing up for himself at work because he's naturally quiet.

By getting older and more mature I found out swag aint ish. And what did SWAG get me with the other men other than bs and heartache. He was not perfect. First two years I just picked at him and judged and criticized him for what he didn't do without looking at myself. He was smart as heck though, loving, and extremely loyal and I've never in my life had a great relationship like that so I stuck it out.

Yup I guided him in the right direction, but I don't know if guide is the right word because he guided me as well. I gave him ultimatums and told him I couldn't be with the dude that doesn't get a consistent hair cut ( sorry) , I made a chore chart to help him with cleaning up since his mom made him into a complete slob , I told him about pinterest so he could develop his own style, over time he trusted me in getting rid of SOME of his clothes that were outdated and corny (man dude loved to wear this M&M jacket from like 2006;yall remember those lol), I showed him ways he could show more leadership in our home and reflected on myself and offered ways I would accept and support his leadership instead of criticizing and rebelling it when he did lead our home. Because of his leadership we joined a new church (bye bye home church I'd been at for 27 years ) And we both go to church, Bible Study, Mens of Excellence for him and IMPACT Women for me as well as attend the other church activities for people our age. I got my Christian, but that meant I had to learn to be a Christian myself and be on the journey with him.

All that to say, At first he didn't fulfill my list. Mainly because my list was of unicorn status. I wanted him to be a devout Christian, pay all the bills, take care of outside, fix my car if anything happened, wash my car every week, give me money monthly to do something special for me, take me out on dates every week, dress nice, make over 100,000, stand up, shut his mama DOWN when she talked crazy to me, have friends and go out with them often. Looking back it was incredibly narcissistic. And I thought all of those things and ALL OF THE TIME were non-negotiable. In fact they were unattainable.

Now, I realize both of us are human. We both have things to work on. Where he is weak I am strong and where I am weak he is strong. Also we have a strong commitment towards each other to remember why we were put together,why we chose to get married. At the end of the day we just stick to that and keep it moving.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

What was your man like when you met him? Or when you married him?
What did he do well and where did he fail?
Did you have to fix some ish his mama messed up?
Was he an of the highest regard, who, like an artist, ain't have no money?
Was he , but not getting no ?
Was he a ?
Did he fulfill 4/5 on your list?
Did you 'help guide' your man in the right direction? If so, share your stories with the youngin's.

One of, it not the best thing that happened for me and dh was being around other happily married couples especially older people. His parents have been married for a long time but haven't lived together for at least 13. He didn't see a healthy, functioning marriage growing up, and that really messed up his perception of what a married couple is like. Being around good husbands has really benefited our relationship. He has a co-worker who asks him what he has done for me every time they speak(I love that guy) and he has other older friends/associates who have schooled him on what happy wife happy life really looks like through actions.
These people have been married longer than we have been alive, they've dropped some jewels.

 

[C@ssandr@]

...

 

[Honey Bee]

Would you mind sharing how you helped him grow out of the half-man phase and into a full man? Some examples of what you did in certain situations?

I stopped doing ish. Meaning, for example, I used to organize all the bill-paying, just cuz I was here not doing nothing else, and it was easier. I stopped.

I have stopped being so ****** competent.

I was raised to be a strong bw, to be able to do it on my own and to hold my man up. No more, boo. My mother be like, 'So-and-so ain't done, why don't you--' I be like ' Not my job! ' And, to her credit, she be like, 'Damn, how did you get so smart?'

It was hard to stop. I used to get anxious. Anxious that he'd forget to pay something on time and the lights would get turned off, not cuz we ain't have it, just from plain and simple ****** up. I used to think about it before I went to sleep, what would I do if...? And then I was like, 'Hey self. You planning on marrying this man. He will be in charge of stuff way more important than keeping the lights on. Now might be the time to let him sink or swim. ' Welp. The lights are still on and I'm almost preternaturally calm. It's lovely, really and on top of the benefits to myself (way more free time), I'm learning to trust him the way a woman should trust her man, not like a mom waiting for him to *** up.

Now, he's well-aware that I will step up if necessary. I'm better at most of these house-running things than he is because I was taught. My mother used to have me balancing her checkbook when I was, like, 8. But I had to let him figure things out on his own, figure out his way of handling his life, because I don't wanna be his mama.

This is where the saying, 'You gotta let a man be a man,' comes into play. Most people use it to excuse ishtty behavior. (Not me, I don't play that ish.) But. I have to give him the space to learn how to be a good man, a useful man, a competent man. He may mess up, but those are his mistakes to make and he picks things up quick, we'll be okay.

eta: I forgot to note, all of this 'learning to run his life stuff' filtered outward, just an over-all self-confidence boost, I think. His boss noted an improvement and gave him a raise. His mom was impressed by her son-turned-"man". He 'handles' me better as well.

 

[Honey Bee]

...

I hate when people do this ish!!

 

[hopeful]

This is a great thread. I will just say that I agree with you. I would post more but I'm unsure of how much I'd be comfortable sharing about my dh. I will just say that every change began with me: me changing, healing, etc. And like you, letting go of figuring ish out. Giving him the hot potatoe, the heavy lifting, etc. If we insist on doing the heavy lifting and holding the hot potatoes they will let us. It takes a lot of courage to let go and be truly feminine. You will find out if he really loves you and if a real man is inside of him. The truth will set you free, one way or the other. Free to be loved, feminine, and supported in your current relationship. Or free to move on and find a better match.

 

[Honey Bee]

This is a great threat. I will just say that I agree with you. I would post more but I'm unsure of how much I'd be comfortable sharing about my dh. I will just say that every change began with me: me changing, healing, etc. And like you, letting go of figuring ish out. Giving him the hot potatoe, the heavy lifting, etc. If we insist on doing the heavy lifting and holding the hot potatoes they will let us. It takes a lot of courage to let go and be truly feminine. You will find out if he really loves you and if a real man is inside of him. The truth will set you free, one way or the other. Free to be loved, feminine, and supported in your current relationship. Or free to move on and find a better match.

I understand. SO and I talk a lot about the state of #blacklove and he knows I started this thread. Maybe you could ask your man how much he might be comfortable with you sharing, just a single small anecdote or something, to help our brother and sisters out there still looking. I'm asking because different people handle things differently and I'd like a good set of examples.

re: 'if we do it, they will let us'. Yep. Like they say, you teach people how to treat you. I thought that doing all the little administrative tasks would be nice because, hey, I'm home, but no. You get taken for granted, I saw it happening and nipped it in the bud (which was tricky cuz I had to 'forget' things, but remember in time to tell him ). If you're with a person long enough, you'll change them, for better or worse. Might as well change them in a way you want.

 

[hopeful]

Okay, so here's a small example. I accidentally ran into our garage door, the one I use for my car. I got it fixed because I was afraid it might fall on my car. They replaced the damaged part but now it doesn't match, and needs to be painted. The repair guy gave me several recommendations. I passed those on to dh, mentioned it once, and haven't said a thing to him since. He said he would take care of it. It's been about 2-3 months now and it's still not painted. The old me would have kept talking about it and reminding him or I would have called the painters and done it myself. But now I just wait. It's slightly annoying but I'd rather wait a year and he figure it out than me do it. And when he finally gets to it, he will feel good too. When I start to think about it and get annoyed I remind myself of all that he does for me every day and try to keep it in perspective. It really isn't that big of a deal.

I had a single mother and was used to watching her do everything. There are a lot of little things that I used to do and stopped. Now often when I do something he should do, he gets upset and says why didn't you ask me to do it? Now he wants to do those things. Men feel good when they do good.

 

[hopeful]

By the time I really understood that this was a problem it was too late. I wasn't leaving him because of that. But it was something that needed to be rectified. I was willing to work with him. If he hadn't adjusted to me that would have been a problem. But I had to fix my thinking, my way of doing things first though.

 

[Honey Bee]

I passed those on to dh, mentioned it once, and haven't said a thing to him since. He said he would take care of it. It's been about 2-3 months now and it's still not painted. The old me would have kept talking about it and reminding him or I would have called the painters and done it myself. But now I just wait. It's slightly annoying but I'd rather wait a year and he figure it out than me do it. And when he finally gets to it, he will feel good too. When I start to think about it and get annoyed I remind myself of all that he does for me every day and try to keep it in perspective. It really isn't that big of a deal.

I had a single mother and was used to watching her do everything. There are a lot of little things that I used to do and stopped. Now often when I do something he should do, he gets upset and says why didn't you ask me to do it? Now he wants to do those things. Men feel good when they do good.

Yes, girl, yes!!

They do feel good, right? So weird, you would think somebody would feel better letting another person handle stuff, but no, they really need to be 'your MAN.' So funny and cute. A lot of times, they don't even know how good it might make them feel (because men don't really talk about this stuff anymore in the proper way. It's all, 'my baby moms stay asking me for... *eyeroll* ' vs 'my (very competent) wife asked me to do xyz for her and I did. *puffs out chest*.') So you have to give them a chance to discover it, be helpless about one thing just, maybe twice. The first time he might be like, wth, I thought she was competent. Then you hit him with the, 'Nah baby, I just thought....' and see if he don't change his tune! Remember, for him to step up, you have to stand down (for a sec, don't let it all go to hell, lol, and you may need to re-evaluate if he don't do right ).

But it is soooo hard to sit there and look at stuff that needs to be done, so hard.

My mother tells me that I'm very much like the grandmothers I never met. One, on the other side, her husband used to drink. Not all the time, but when he did, he would drag his tail home and fall out in the living room. Welp. She would step right over his @ss, get in her bed, and start the next day like nothing happened. Bloop! Now, of course, in modern times, we very much frown upon husbands and fathers who exhibit that sort of behavior. *stern face* But I love the way she handled it, given the restrictions of the times and eight kids. She had to stay with him, but she damn sure wasn't gon clean up his mistakes.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I hate when people do this ish!!

My bad, I've been chatty lately and wasn't sure that it would add to the discussion since I'm not in an ltr. But I'll go ahead and say it...

Basically, I think that you, Honey Bee, are highly intuitive and this aided you in sussing your mate.
I also agree with someone who said you won't be able to assess if he's the guy, or worth your time if you have issue and/or are broken (not a quote). He might could be Superman, but looks like Clark Kent.

Which brings me to another idea...if women trusted their intuition more, they wouldn't waste so much time on the wrong ones.

Ok?

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm in a sharing mood .


What was your man like when you met him? When I first met him I thought he was funny border lining goofy. It took a minute for me to find out that the humor was his way of deflecting that he was very sharp and very intense. The difference between him then and now is that he doesn't hide behind humor to make people more comfortable.

What did he do well and where did he fail? He constantly surprised me and I had never met anyone who could do that. The failing was that border line goofy-ness. In my mind it made him Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Future.....not the Ciara kind of Future eww like real build something future.

Did you have to fix some ish his mama messed up? Actually, I was very lucky that his mama and ex wife broke him in for me. His love language is that of a giver and mine is reciprocator. After years of dealing with takers in familial relationships, we are a breath of fresh air for each other.

Was he an of the highest regard, who, like an artist, ain't have no money? He's not all top 1% like what all the unicorns roll with around here, but all indicators showed that he made a good living by Southern California standards and that was good enough for me.

Was he , but not getting no ? Naw, he kept him some . He's not built for that single life.

Was he a ? From what I observed about him in his relationship before 'we' became 'we', I never picked up kangish behavior. I do however understand that he's not above working somebody's nerves.

Did he fulfill 4/5 on your list? More like half. He brought some things I didn't realize I should have had on my list. Conventional wisdom says that you shouldn't look for someone to complete you, but I say those people have no idea what it's like when you find someone who does.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

What was your man like when you met him? Or when you married him?

He was basically the same but with more conservative views and he didn't use profanity. I screwed that up.


What did he do well and where did he fail?

I can't say he failed at anything. He's always been a protector and provider.
He could be a bit stubborn, but that eased up after a few times of me pointing out why he needed to give in.


Did you have to fix some ish his mama messed up?

Thankfully, no. Out of the brothers, he is the baby and he has a younger sister. Their mom did a great job with him although she died when he was young.
He is compassionate, toward family, and will give his last to help sometimes to his detriment (which I have worked on). He is a praying man, which I love. I always knew it but when I first saw him praying for us I was touched. That is all his mom. He was in church 2 - 3 times a week as a child and knows his Bible better than some pastors.

Was he an of the highest regard, who, like an artist, ain't have no money?
Was he , but not getting no ?
Was he a ?


He was never a "kang" and can probably still name every woman he's been with although I'd never ask. Some of the wanna be ex's popped out of the woodwork once they realized he was engaged.


Did he fulfill 4/5 on your list?

I didn't have a list per se but did have some basic qualities, and he fulfilled them. My family agreed when he met them.


Did you 'help guide' your man in the right direction? If so, share your stories with the youngin's.

I think he more so guides me. I an ENTJ and it takes a lot for me to be "soft and feminine" in the sense of letting him lead.
I let him do the things he agreed to do in his time frame, meaning if laundry isn't done every two weeks, I don't freak and I also don't do it. I've let laundry pile up for months and don't say a word. He will eventually do it. I don't do any manly things like taking out trash or fixing anything. I don't even open doors for myself anymore. I literally sit in the car until he comes to let me out usually after he's made sure he didn't park in a puddle and that he's collected whatever bags we have.