Married Ladies: I Need Help! Polar Opposites

[kbragg]

So DH and I have been married for 6 years and I think we've reached the point where our differences which initially attracted us to each other are more irritating than anything.

I'm black, he's white.

I'm from the North, He's from the South.

I'm super affectionate, he's reserved.

I'm a chatterbox, he prefers "thinking" to talking.

We have VERY different views on politics. (he's VERY conservative, I'm a left leaning moderate)

He's a neat freak, I hate cleaning

I'm outspoken (can ya'll tell?) loud, and emotional, he's reserved, quiet, and logical.

I'm really into health and fitness, you couldn't pay him to exercise

We have nothing in common other than our kids and nowadays can barely talk about anything of substance without arguing. We're both extremely passionate people (which does have it's positives) who do not back down and HAVE to be right. I know this is dangerous ground. We're both Christians and of course we love each other very much, but it is very depressing to me that I cannot share my life with my husband because he has no interest in anything that interests me.

I don't want to be one of those couples that 20 years from now when asked about our marriage all we can respond is "Well, we're still together." But I really do not know how to reconcile our differences. I do my best to be a good wife and I know I fall short. His mom is like the perfect Stepford Wife (and I say that endearingly, she's a wonderful person but dang she's near perfect and I am so far from that) and although he doesn't compare me to her I do know that many men's stadard of what a wife should be stem from their mother.

I don't doubt that my husband loves me, and of course I love him, but is that really enough? I really want to LIKE each other again you know? But with work, and finances, and kids, and learning more and more how very different you are, how do you do that?

I don't want to reconstruct my whole personality to fit his ideal. I don't think I'm all that bad. And I wouldn't want him to change either. I just want to be happy and connected, and have meaningful conversations about things that matter besides kids and what's for dinner without argunig

So happily married ladies, how do you reconcile your differences?

ETA: If you've ever seen the movie "Yours, Mine & Ours" this is the perfect depiction of me and him

 

[dlewis]

IDK. There was a point when I loved my husband but couldn't stand him. I mean when he walked in the room I kinda threw up a little in my mouth. Everything he did got on my nerves.erplexed He couldn't pay me to do anything with him.

Praise the Lord that has changed. I like him now and for a long time I thought I wouldn't see these days again.

Maybe your're going through the 7 year itch. I say pray on it (which I know you're doing that) and wait it out. I have found that when I back down on things, he'll back down. Those other issues are really not that serious anyway.

I also think it took a long time for me to really accept him for who he is. I know he gonna do certain things like leave the cabinets open every night, leave his clothes on the floor next to our bed. Those issues now are not worth me fighting over. I just close the kitchen cabinets every morning and leave his clothes there until he's ready to pick them up. AND we are all much happier because of it.

 

[chokolate miss]

I am definitely not married. So sorry if you did not want my input, LOL!

But I would ask what attracted you to him in the first place? Your personalities did not change overnight. You must have always been total opposites.

Maybe you should try to remember the things that made you fall in love with him in the beginning...

Or find out new things that you love...do not dwell on the negative...I am no marriage counselor, but the items that you have listed do not appear to be total deal breakers...good luck OP.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Kbragg all marriages have rough patches that you have to get through. Each time you get through one with your mate, it makes you a little stronger the next time.

I know you have small children and that makes it really difficult for you and your DH to give each other the attention that you both need. You have to find time to get to bond with each other when you can--like putting them to bed earlier on some nights so that you and your DH can sit next to each other on the couch and talk a few times a week.

When I feel as though DH is getting next to me, I really focus on his good qualities--he's a hardworker, he brings his paycheck home, he comes home, he loves his family and puts them first--this immediately clears my head of any negatitivity that i am feeling towards him.

Life is so short, and family is important, and the best example you can set for your children is showing them a positive connection between you and your DH.

I'm sure this will pass.

 

[nikki2229]

Thank you DLewis and Kbragg for your candor and honesty.
I am still a newlywed, so we are still figuring it out, but I am sure there are some women who can relate to this scenario.

KBragg, please pray as D suggested and maybe even seek some counsel.

The Five Love Languages is a great book, that might help you reconnect to what is important to each of you.

Also, try to plan a date night without the kids and cut off all cell phones, tv's, etc and just enjoy each other.

Try to write down a list of simple questions that you can ask each other daily and give each other in depth answers. (Ex. How was your day? A:Good, Bad, or Okay. Then expound upon those answers with another question such as Why? or What happened? etc)

Talk about your vision or where you see each other in your lives together in 5, 10, 15 years, etc.

Lastly, join something together. (ex. book club, walking group or something that you may have forgotten that you both enjoy)

Sorry for the long post.

 

[onyxdreams]

I agree with the ladies suggestions.Your marriage is young you guys need to learn how to argue with one another.I've been married for awhile and I can trult tell you we have our highs and lows.There are dayslike DL said I can't stand to hear him breath but it does goes away.I realize at that moment we need to be apart and I either go to my room or go out alone.Over the years and yes through much heated discussions we have learned whatour hot buttons are and we stay away from those topic.

My question for you is how does your husband feel?

I'm sure if you look hard I'm sure you will find something,you have in common.when you find it embarass it.recall it during hard times.
I already know something you guys have in common.You both were able to except someone polar opposite from you which means you both have an open mind or at least curious about the other side

 

[kbragg]

Wow ladies words cannot express how greatful I am for your replies! I realize that our differences are huge deal breakers and that marriage is not always going to be that euphoric state all the time. We really need to take a page from the Pres and First Lady and start dating again I don't think we've been 24 hours kid free since...well I was gonna say since I was in the hospital but nope, Caleb was there Dang I just realized that the last time we were kid free was our anniversary 5 years ago!

 

[ladytee2]

Wow when I read your post I thought why is this girl in my marriage. If I say right my husband says left. If my husband says up I say down and that is just the way it is. You know that song Love keeps us together. We have been married for 14yrs and there were times when we both would say "when is this going to be over". I think for me I have accepted that he is who he is and I cant change him. I refuse to loose my sleep or get ulcers hitting my head against a brick wall. I will let the Lord handle him because after all that is his child. When he gets in his cleaning mode I lift my feet out of the way of the vacum cleaner. I go to another room or I leave the house if he isnt going to leave me alone. I allow him to do his thing. I do my thing. He does his thing and we come together and do couple and family things. And that is the glue that keeps our little marriage together.

 

[Lucie]

Marriage happens in seasons. Initially it's summer, then fall, then winter then spring. Ideally I like to be spring - summer with DH. I don't know if you remember but I was separated from DH. I told him to pack his ish and leave. When I really think about my reasoning process, I was pretty stupid. I felt he was taking me for granted. When in actuality he was in between a rock and a wall. I wanted more "us" time when he was just doing what it takes to fulfill our dreams. A few months later, we're back together and planning a destination wedding.

I remember there were times when listening to him breathe, made me wonder if he would ever stop and give me peace? Ouch! I think differences are good, because I wouldn't want to be married to me, LOL.

It is normal to feel what you feel but it will not last. Continue to be respectful, share yourself with him, and go out just you and him. Reconnect as much as you can. As other posters mentioned, pick your battles.

For example, is arguing over the toilet seat that important, when you can put it back down? Life is precious and no one is promised tomorrow. Focus on his positive traits. Good luck sweetie!

 

[dlewis]

Wow ladies words cannot express how greatful I am for your replies! I realize that our differences are huge deal breakers and that marriage is not always going to be that euphoric state all the time. We really need to take a page from the Pres and First Lady and start dating again I don't think we've been 24 hours kid free since...well I was gonna say since I was in the hospital but nope, Caleb was there Dang I just realized that the last time we were kid free was our anniversary 5 years ago!

Yes, you have to have that alone time. Dh and I went out last Thur night at about 8:00. (My dauaghter said "What kind of parents leave their kids at home alone at night?")nono: Anyway, we had a good time, we went riding, picked up something to eat, went to get icecream and just hung out. It was so much fun. (I think he's trying to fatten me up on the sly.)

See if you inlaws or whoever lives near you have help out with the kids 2 times a month or something. Or pay a teenager to watch them for a couple hours. The best times I'll had with DH is parking on a dark road and going out on our land in the country and laying a blanket out on the back of his truck.

 

[Shandell]

Kbragg all marriages have rough patches that you have to get through. Each time you get through one with your mate, it makes you a little stronger the next time.

I know you have small children and that makes it really difficult for you and your DH to give each other the attention that you both need. You have to find time to get to bond with each other when you can--like putting them to bed earlier on some nights so that you and your DH can sit next to each other on the couch and talk a few times a week.

When I feel as though DH is getting next to me, I really focus on his good qualities--he's a hardworker, he brings his paycheck home, he comes home, he loves his family and puts them first--this immediately clears my head of any negatitivity that i am feeling towards
him.

Life is so short, and family is important, and the best example you can set for your children is showing them a positive connection between you and your DH.

I'm sure this will pass.

]

So true! This is so true my husband and I had our rough patch in the first year of our marriage after 9/11 I was like what have I done and so was he We married young, he was in the Army and we married young.

But we knew God had orchestrated this marriage because I was not looking and neither was he.

Kbragg I feel you but your marriage can withstand this and maybe an older couple in church that has a solid marital foundation with visible proof can impart some wisdom on the matter at hand. Your marriage will be a testament of how two people can come together and actually become ONE.

Oh I forgot to add:That our marriage is now like heaven on earth, I really am enjoying the fruit patience and love produced.

Your in my prayers lady.

 

[honeycomb719]

WOW this topic is SOOOOOO right on time. Im not married yet, but will be in 2weeks, and these are little issues that Ive been second guessing if I will be able to live with. Like KBragg, my fiance and are are polar opposites as well, with many of the differnces you mention we share.
Im the neat freak he's. Im very health concious , he can give a rats arse. He's whie, Im Black, lol..reading this really felt like you were talking about my relationship.
I really appreciate the advice the ladies here have given. They are spitting some real knowledge. Its just hard for you to think outside of whats going on when your frustrated by the differences. We havent had any alone time either since our DD has been born. His career is flourishing while mine has been on pause since I got pregnant. Im very much the go getter and sometimes I think that has been forgotten by him, because careerwise things are going great for him. I never saw myself as the SAHM and he seems just fine with the notion.
Sorry to vent, I just noticed I was hacking your thread KBragg, but do know your not alone. Im here if you need someone to vent to, lol...

 

[cicilypayne]

ONE thing to remember Kbragg you and your hubby r not the same person nor should u be..having different views and opinions don't equate for pending doom and dispair. In fact you got double the bargin because some one you love and trust is right on hand to offer a trusted second view point which can be helpful in all areas of your life.

Don't go into topics that u know u two will disagree..at least unimportant ones. Talk to your friends, family and co workers. Or come chat with us and If you learn your man is neat and likes things neat then what is the harm in you trying to be a little neater. If not for him but for the sake of goodness, r the kids r whatever reasoning you need to shake it off and keep moving. Just remember everyday that this man loves you and is your husband and your kids father say it to yourself every time u wanna say "Later". And if that means you have to watch Rush Limbaugh then u take out your ipod and cross word puzzle and sit right there..lol. If you think about what will it be like if he was gone tomorrow..remember that you will still have laundry, shopping, bills, headaches and all the peeves of the day. We all need someone who isn't afraid to tell you the truth. Don't fall into that trap thinking "he likes what I like and we are so perfect.." Child please the same old "you think like he thinks is BORING" It's like living your life trapped in Re Runs ( No offense to Nick at Night ...lol) come on this is marriage at it's finest You just keep dropping it like its hot, bang out that body with Chalean and remember we. LOve u kbragg.

 

[onyxdreams]

Date date date like the ladies suggested. It doesn't have to cost a lot just enjoyable. Somewhere you both can let ur guard down and enjoy each other. Good luck and pray

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

IDK. There was a point when I loved my husband but couldn't stand him. I mean when he walked in the room I kinda threw up a little in my mouth. Everything he did got on my nerves.erplexed He couldn't pay me to do anything with him.

Praise the Lord that has changed. I like him now and for a long time I thought I wouldn't see these days again.

Maybe your're going through the 7 year itch. I say pray on it (which I know you're doing that) and wait it out. I have found that when I back down on things, he'll back down. Those other issues are really not that serious anyway.

I also think it took a long time for me to really accept him for who he is. I know he gonna do certain things like leave the cabinets open every night, leave his clothes on the floor next to our bed. Those issues now are not worth me fighting over. I just close the kitchen cabinets every morning and leave his clothes there until he's ready to pick them up. AND we are all much happier because of it.

erplexed Uhmmm, I don't mean to get personal, but was it even possible to have sex with him during that time? Did he know that you felt that way? I would probably want to cry and puke ...

 

[deltagyrl]

LORD JESUS THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SEE THIS THREAD!!!!!!!

Seriously.

 

[dlewis]

erplexed Uhmmm, I don't mean to get personal, but was it even possible to have sex with him during that time? Did he know that you felt that way? I would probably want to cry and puke ...

At times I could and at times I couldn't. If I was horny I could.

 

[onyxdreams]

I was watching this show about marriages that have lasted20,30,40, 50yrs .They asked this one man how were they able to stay together for so long and he said "We didn't fall out of love at the same time". I can't forget that and when I'm having issues with my husband i remember that and it brings perspective to me.

 

[hokimomi]

Wow.....This thread was right on time for me. I have had some serious thoughts about my marriage and it took this thread to 'see the light'.

I am thankful and grateful that I have the wisdom of you ladies to help steer me in the right direction. I may just subscribe to this thread to keep re-reading the knowledge kicked herein.

Many thanks!

 

[MahoganyJazz]

One of the most loving and helpful things a wife can
do for her husband and marriage is to pray. Although
the following prayers have been written primarily
with a Christian husband in mind, most of them
can easily be adapted for an unbelieving spouse.

Peace. Lord, as my husband faces another day of challenges,
reveal Your deep love to him. Cast out his fears. May your peace
rule in his heart. (1 Jn. 4:18; Col. 3:15)

Strength. Thank You, Lord, for daily bearing my husband’s
burdens. Remind him that You uphold him—physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. Refresh him with a sense of Your
presence. (Ps. 68:19; Col. 1:17; Jer. 31:25)

Intimacy with God. Lord, remind ______ of Your deep,
personal knowledge of him, and assure him that he can pour out his
heart to You. May his walk with You be more than an intellectual
exercise. Reveal Yourself to him so that he can know and worship
You as You are. (Ps. 62:8, 139:1-4; Jer. 9:24; Jn. 14:21)

Sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, thank You
that You live in and reveal truth to my husband. Teach him to
live in Your power—filled with, motivated by, and in step with
You. May he listen to Your voice and follow wherever You lead.
(Jn. 16:13-14; Gal. 5:16, 22-25; Is. 30:21)

Significance. Lord, show ______ how valuable he is to You.
May he know that his true worth comes from You. (Mt. 6:26;
Jer. 29:11; Zeph. 3:17)

Success. Cultivate in my husband a diligence and desire to do
his best for You. Establish the work of his hands, and grant him
success. Direct him into roles best suited to his gifts, talents, and
personality. (Col. 3:23; Ps. 90:17, 139:13-15)

Finances. Lord, as my husband provides materially for our
family, help him to serve You, not money. Enable him to rest in
Your provision. (Mt. 6:24; Gen. 22:14; Phil. 4:19)

Perseverance. Strengthen ______ with faith and patience in
the difficulties he faces. Assure him that You are with him and
are working all things together for good. (Eph. 3:16-17; Col. 1:11;
Ro. 8:28, 38-39)

Spiritual protection. Lord, protect my husband from the
temptations he faces today, especially concerning ______ (name
specific area of temptation). Teach him to guard what enters
his mind, to focus on You, and to resist the enemy by faith.
(1 Cor. 10:13; Col. 3:1-2; Jas. 4:7; 1 Jn. 5:4-5)

Sexual purity. Lord, Satan would twist ______’s God-given
desire for sex into something ugly. Prompt him to turn to You
for safety and freedom from lust, pornography, sexual fantasies,
and inappropriate relationships. Let him find acceptance and
satisfaction in You and within the context of our marriage.
(Ps. 90:14; Prov. 5:15-20; Heb. 13:4)

Influence. Thank You, Shepherd, for leading my husband as
he interacts with and leads others—at home, at work, and in our
church and community. Enable him to set a good example for and
love those under his care. (Is. 40:11; Acts 20:28; Titus 2:7-8)

Marriage. Lord, on his own, my husband cannot fulfill Your
desire for him to love me as You love the church. But You are love,
and You live in him. Teach him how You want to love me through
him. (Eph. 5:25; 1 Jn. 4:8; 2 Cor. 4:7)

Vulnerability. Lord, give ______ the courage to share his
innermost thoughts and feelings with me. Grant me grace to listen
with acceptance and to share honestly with him. (Prov. 31:10-12;
Ro. 15:1-3)

Fatherhood. Be my husband’s wisdom in the challenges we
face as parents. Teach him how to relate to and love our children
the way You, our heavenly Father, relate to us. (1 Cor. 1:30;
Ps. 103:8-14; Prov. 3:12; Eph. 6:4)

Friends. Lord, bring my husband friends with whom he can
share his joys and struggles—friends who speak frankly with him
and remind him of Your love and power. Show him how to be a
good friend in return. (Prov. 18:24, 27:6; Eccl. 4:9-12)

Loving others. Give my husband courage and opportunities
to share Your love with others in words and actions. When people
frustrate him, help him to respond in humility and peace. When
he sins against others or is sinned against, guide him to ask and
grant forgiveness. May those who interact with him touch Your
light and life. (2 Thess. 2:16-17; Col. 3:12-14; Phil. 2:14-16)

Physical protection. Keep my husband safe and healthy.
Teach him to care for his body, and heal his diseases, especially
______ (name specific ailments). (3 Jn. 1:2; Ps. 103:2-3)

Passion for life. Father, show my husband his true purpose
for living, especially in areas that seem mundane. May Paul’s
claim, “To live is Christ,” always be true for my husband.
(Jn. 4:13-14, 6:35; Phil. 1:21)