Making Yourself Scarce In Relationships

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FemmeFatale

Well-Known Member
This just popped into my mind as I watched the Martin episode when Gina took the job offer in NY and Martin came running after her with a ring, flowers and some Brian McKnight, lol.

I know several women who have done this and have gotten engaged quickly soon after, and from what I've seen/know, they've packed their stuff and have either left the state or country on vacation or moved for work, etc and moments later an engagement announcement surfaced.

What are your thoughts on this? And would you categorize the woman as a runner?
 
I'd call her stupid if she was unmarried and didn't continue making big career/life moves simply due to the possibility that she might get engaged. Men need to know that if they're not willing and able to do their part, the women will do for themselves and potentially find someone else who will. That's probably not why they're moving, but that is what the men are thinking before they propose. Like "Damn, there she goes...now what am I gonna do? What if she meets someone??"
 
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I definitely would not categorize the woman as a runner. Recently, I have come to the conclusion that I will be single until I get married. As long as there are no rings involved, I will continue to make the best decision for "me" not "we".

That said, I have made myself scarce recently and, yes, he came running after me. LHCF has taught me a lot about men and I can confirm, they definitely respond faster, quicker, and effectively to a woman's actions than to her words. I spent a long time talking about being unhappy. The moment I found some business elsewhere, my phone didn't stop ringing and my current list of demands are being met. In this circumstance, it's not us... it's them :yep:
 
Same thing happened to my aunt.

Had been with her then boyfriend for 5 years, she got sick of not having a ring, applied for a promotion across the country, got it and moved away and what do you know (lol) he went after her and they were engaged a month later. He requested a transfer and got it. They've been married a few years now and just had their 2nd baby.
 
I'm not into games. I'm not going to "make myself scarce" with the hopes that a man will propose or become more attentive. If I'm not getting what I want/need out of a relationship then naturally I'll fall back eventually ending things.
 
I think some women want to be married or in a relationship so badly that they make men feel too comfortable. The guy knows she isn't going anywhere so his motivation is nonexistent. That, coupled with most guy's general lack of interest in marriage, is why you see couples that have been dating for years with no marriage plans. If she moved away or became scarce, he'd be jarred from his complacency and a proposal might follow. It's a game for some but others I think just get tired of the BS and move on. The guy senses his window of opportunity closing and steps up in a big way (with a ring). The rest is history.
 
sj10460 said:
I'm not into games. I'm not going to "make myself scarce" with the hopes that a man will propose or become more attentive. If I'm not getting what I want/need out of a relationship then naturally I'll fall back eventually ending things.
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Exactly. I have a strict "no game" policy. If i make myself scarce, its because ive got one foot out the door, not because i want commitment. And he can chase me if he wants but chances are, ive become emotionally unavailable and mentally placed him in the "aint sh*t" bucket.

My scheudle is naturally pretty packed. Im maneuvering to fit you in. If thats too much for you, then im back to my regular programming
 
Any thing that's easy to get isn't worth having.

I'm not into games... but I'm not into free milk either. I'm not always going to be available for someone who hasn't committed to me. And I'm definitely not making life decisions around them. If I get a great job offer out of state... I'd be out.
 
I think only a certain type of woman can accomplish this... and men these days dont care as much as women want to think. They have back up plans and fall back women all day long. I think if someone is doing something like this strictly to get that man to chase her...she better know that he thinks she is the shiznit. Otherwise, he will bounce to someone else...who was already waiting for his ass to break up with you anyway. But I'm cynical due to the amount of stuff I've seen, been told and the many women I counsel at work.

Dont play games ....and especially dont play games with good men. If you are bouncing to get your life right, get that dream job and live your dream life...Go for it tho.
 
It "worked" for me with my ex. I packed my bags to move from Chi to NYC and the day before I left, he proposed. Too bad, I was over him. We had been together for 6 years prior, with him originally talking about we could get engaged in 2-3 more years. Goodness I gave him too much time.
 
This reminds me. One of my veteran's wives told me her story. She and him were both from the Virgin Islands...she came to the states at 17...he could not deal and followed her here within a year. Told her he could not live without her and by the time she began college they were married. He spent the next 50 years being a narcisisstic cheating abusive bastard. I say all this to say...sometimes if they even do all that to get you back....it doesnt mean they are the one for you. This woman is a basket case.
 
ChasingBliss said:
This reminds me. One of my veteran's wives told me her story. She and him were both from the Virgin Islands...she came to the states at 17...he could not deal and followed her here within a year. Told her he could not live without her and by the time she began college they were married. He spent the next 50 years being a narcisisstic cheating abusive bastard. I say all this to say...sometimes if they even do all that to get you back....it doesnt mean they are the one for you. This woman is a basket case.
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The key is that you live your life for yourself and not to convince, goad or beg for someone to commit. Do what feels right for you. The lady you've described stopped doing what was best for herself if she stayed in that type of marriage....50 years?!?? That's so sad.
 
I have never packed up and moved on a guy but when DH and I were dating, my first priority was always me and my interests. Not him or our relationship. And I made sure that he knew that. I wasn't trying to get him to commit because I already knew very early in the relationship that he was going to propose to me. I just didn't want him getting him too comfortable thinking that he didn't have to chase me or win me.
 
FemmeFatale said:
This just popped into my mind as I watched the Martin episode when Gina took the job offer in NY and Martin came running after her with a ring, flowers and some Brian McKnight, lol.

I know several women who have done this and have gotten engaged quickly soon after, and from what I've seen/know, they've packed their stuff and have either left the state or country on vacation or moved for work, etc and moments later an engagement announcement surfaced.

What are your thoughts on this? And would you categorize the woman as a runner?
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I didn't see that episode but did she keep the job or drop it for the ring? My thoughts are that people need to take their own opportunities when presented or do what they wish to do with their lives. Don't settle for a ring when you want something else. Maybe this is used as a ploy to make the guy chase after you? I dunno.
 
Atthatday said:
I need to learn how to be "scarce", not for games or anything. I must learn NOT to make men comfortable. It's an art and I'd appreciate any suggestions.
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Are you comfortable saying no in general? Ive found that people who arent comfortable saying no, tend to struggle with being scarce in relationships. And the same went for me. In an effort to be agreeable and not make waves, i didnt say no. And i was left miserable. Now, i respond when i feel like it. I set boundaries early and you get one reminder of my expectations. After that, i feel youre intentionally being a douche and i just casually "note" said behavior and adjust my expectations of you as a potential mate. Too many adjustments, and i begin to naturally slow fade #unbothered
 
kupenda said:
Are you comfortable saying no in general? Ive found that people who arent comfortable saying no, tend to struggle with being scarce in relationships. And the same went for me. In an effort to be agreeable and not make waves, i didnt say no. And i was left miserable. Now, i respond when i feel like it. I set boundaries early and you get one reminder of my expectations. After that, i feel youre intentionally being a douche and i just casually "note" said behavior and adjust my expectations of you as a potential mate. Too many adjustments, and i begin to naturally slow fade #unbothered
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I don't have a problem saying, "No" at all. I know that I need to get some business and be about me and GOD. I'm a loner.
 
ChasingBliss said:
This reminds me. One of my veteran's wives told me her story. She and him were both from the Virgin Islands...she came to the states at 17...he could not deal and followed her here within a year. Told her he could not live without her and by the time she began college they were married. He spent the next 50 years being a narcisisstic cheating abusive bastard. I say all this to say...sometimes if they even do all that to get you back....it doesnt mean they are the one for you. This woman is a basket case.[/QUOTE

That sounds awful. Y didn't she leave??
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You didn't she leave? Sounds awful
 
kupenda said:
Are you comfortable saying no in general? Ive found that people who arent comfortable saying no, tend to struggle with being scarce in relationships. And the same went for me. In an effort to be agreeable and not make waves, i didnt say no. And i was left miserable. Now, i respond when i feel like it. I set boundaries early and you get one reminder of my expectations. After that, i feel youre intentionally being a douche and i just casually "note" said behavior and adjust my expectations of you as a potential mate. Too many adjustments, and i begin to naturally slow fade #unbothered
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Yes..I'm too nice
 
sj10460 said:
I'm not into games. I'm not going to "make myself scarce" with the hopes that a man will propose or become more attentive. If I'm not getting what I want/need out of a relationship then naturally I'll fall back eventually ending things.
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Regardless of what is done I do think that women should let the guy be the hunter but I'm not down for games. I authentically am not going to chase a guy so it's not done out of games, it is just how I am. That has nothing to do with being scarce, it just means I am too busy living my life to think about a guy every minute of the day. Lacking desperation, believing you have something great to offer, and being authentic is attractive. So it's the intention behind it I think that they can read. Sure you can play a bunch of games but then your life will have to consist of games. I think it's always about doing what you want instead of rerouting your world for a guy who hasn't made his intention known. This brings me to another thought that's similar:

I also agree with some of the other posters in the single until married thing. I'm making decisions for me until there is a reason to make a decision for WE. There are some requests that are husband requests not boyfriend and guys have to know that they are not in a place to request these things. To me that includes living together but also having any imput in major decisions whatsoever. I'm not building a life with someone until I'm actually building a life with someone through marriage. So unless there is a ring on my finger, don't ask for things that are not in the dating or boyfriend box. And even then I will of course have imput in major decisions too. But I'm saying US decisions don't exist until marriage.

This mindset again is attractive to men because it's not desperate. I think if you play games it is sensed. Plus I'm just not into games anyways. It's an exhausting way to live.
 
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That sounds like a childish game. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm gonna do what I intended to do in the name of Jesus, and if you as a man can't make up your mind unless I play games, then you're not the one for me.

Besides, didn't two women on here do just that and are now currently divorced?

Live your lif as you intended. A man who's the one doesn't need to be manipulated.
 
When a woman moves her whole life, to another city, or another country she has had enough of the relationship situation as it currently is. I feel at that point they are focused on themselves and improvements.

All this filling out job apps, going to interviews, sorting out house stuff, packing up, moving away from family and friends etc... That woman has had enough IMO. She wants a new start. One of my friends did this when she was younger. She purposely chose a years work placement in Brazil because she didn't want to be tempted to see her ex again.

I have another friend who moved to my city partly to get away from her ex. She never went back to him although he begged and begged.

Of the people I know who got proposals, they didn't go away with that ulterior motive.
 
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