Autumn~Tint~Of~Gold
Rocking the Casbah
I was flipping through March's Glamour magazine (because it's the only magazine I have in the bathroom 
) and I saw this and thought it was interesting.
Love Advice That We Need to Start Ignoring Immediately
By
Jo Piazza
March 20, 2017 8:00 am
PHOTO: Josephine Schiele
Until I reached the ripe old age of 34, I valiantly tried to follow the relationship and dating “rules” I learned from magazine articles, rom coms starring Meg Ryan, and my married friends: I didn’t text a guy first. I never slept with anyone too soon. I wore bras and underwear that matched. Where did that get me? I dated all the wrong guys and drank all the wine with all the gay best friends, while I constantly beat myself up for failing at love.
It was only after I started ignoring everyone else’s suggestions that I did fall in love (with a guy so not my type who lived 3,000 miles away) a work trip (taboo) after I slept with him on the first date (double taboo; a friend warned me I’d never hear from him again). Two years later we’re happily married and about to have a baby. I love my love story, and I tell it to show that most relationship advice is for suckers. Listen—I’m no expert on marriage; I’m just a girl who, on the first date, slept with a guy who happened to be awesome. But one thing I do know? Clichéd advice has got to go. Specifically:
“Relationships take hard work.”
Reality check: If a relationship is hard work when you’re dating, when the most important conversations you have are about which movie to see, it’s only going to turn into a slog once life gets real. Right after Nick and I got married, I moved across the country to a city where I had absolutely no friends, family, or support system. I cried to Nick almost every day about how alone I felt, even though he was right next to me. Then I received a terrifying health diagnosis—learning that I have a gene for muscular dystrophy, a disease that had just taken my father’s life. If we hadn’t been able to get through the early, calm times with ease, I don’t know how we would have gotten through all of that.
“You have to love yourself first.”
Once, when I was single, a married friend told me, “I just don’t think you’re happy; when you are, you’ll attract the perfect mate.” Um, no. This advice makes women feel like their own worst enemy—it becomes too easy to say, “Well, maybe I’ll find someone after I work out my body issues,” or “The One might come when I feel better about my job.” In my twenties I thought I couldn’t find the right partner because I hadn’t gotten over my own parents’ terrible marriage—one filled with fighting and tears. I went to a lot of therapy, which taught me a lot about my relationship with my parents but didn’t do anything for my dating life. Here’s the truth: No one ever has it all figured out. I still hate the way my butt looks in skinny jeans, I’ll never run a marathon, and I don’t entirely know what I want to do when I’m a grown-up. None of that makes me any less lovable now.
“Your partner should be your best friend.”
I’ve heard 3,497 wedding vows that talk about someone’s partner being their best during friend, but holding out until you find someone to be your everything isn’t practical or necessary. Marriage today, for many of us, is about finding someone who complements you rather than completes you. I adore my husband, but I go to my friends first for a heart-to-heart about my career or after a fight with my mom. And why not? Each month when I was trying to get pregnant and didn’t—and felt horrible about it—I called my friend Emily instead of talking to Nick, who has nothing useful to say about ovulation. Some people are better at helping with certain things. That’s just life.
“Never go to bed angry.”
You know what makes everything better? Sleep. You know what doesn’t? Fighting until 4:00 A.M.
“If you’re single, it’s because your standards are too high.”
It’s not about high standards. It’s about what’s right for you. Sure, I could have stuck it out with the “professional” poker player who lived in his mom’s basement and tried to feel me up in a Wendy’s. (As my great aunt said to me at the time, “Isn’t everyone a work in progress?”) But a good partnership is about real connection with a stand-up human. For me, it was worth waiting for a guy who makes life better in a thousand small ways.
“When the right person comes along, you just know.”
My first thought after meeting Nick was: I can’t believe a grown man would wear hiking sandals! And then: Maybe that guy should get a haircut. I didn’t “know” anything—in fact, I talked to him only because there was no Wi-Fi on our boat. In hindsight, you always think you knew, but in the moment everyone is a little uncertain. So it’s OK if it doesn’t feel like a bolt of lightning just hit you. If you wait to know right away, you might be waiting forever.
The only thing I learned from all this advice? People will blather on. Ignore them and date like nobody’s watching.
Jo Piazza is the author of How to Be Married: What I Learned from Real Women on Five Continents About Surviving My First (Really Hard) Year of Marriage.
) and I saw this and thought it was interesting.Love Advice That We Need to Start Ignoring Immediately
By
Jo Piazza
March 20, 2017 8:00 am
PHOTO: Josephine Schiele
Until I reached the ripe old age of 34, I valiantly tried to follow the relationship and dating “rules” I learned from magazine articles, rom coms starring Meg Ryan, and my married friends: I didn’t text a guy first. I never slept with anyone too soon. I wore bras and underwear that matched. Where did that get me? I dated all the wrong guys and drank all the wine with all the gay best friends, while I constantly beat myself up for failing at love.
It was only after I started ignoring everyone else’s suggestions that I did fall in love (with a guy so not my type who lived 3,000 miles away) a work trip (taboo) after I slept with him on the first date (double taboo; a friend warned me I’d never hear from him again). Two years later we’re happily married and about to have a baby. I love my love story, and I tell it to show that most relationship advice is for suckers. Listen—I’m no expert on marriage; I’m just a girl who, on the first date, slept with a guy who happened to be awesome. But one thing I do know? Clichéd advice has got to go. Specifically:
“Relationships take hard work.”
Reality check: If a relationship is hard work when you’re dating, when the most important conversations you have are about which movie to see, it’s only going to turn into a slog once life gets real. Right after Nick and I got married, I moved across the country to a city where I had absolutely no friends, family, or support system. I cried to Nick almost every day about how alone I felt, even though he was right next to me. Then I received a terrifying health diagnosis—learning that I have a gene for muscular dystrophy, a disease that had just taken my father’s life. If we hadn’t been able to get through the early, calm times with ease, I don’t know how we would have gotten through all of that.
“You have to love yourself first.”
Once, when I was single, a married friend told me, “I just don’t think you’re happy; when you are, you’ll attract the perfect mate.” Um, no. This advice makes women feel like their own worst enemy—it becomes too easy to say, “Well, maybe I’ll find someone after I work out my body issues,” or “The One might come when I feel better about my job.” In my twenties I thought I couldn’t find the right partner because I hadn’t gotten over my own parents’ terrible marriage—one filled with fighting and tears. I went to a lot of therapy, which taught me a lot about my relationship with my parents but didn’t do anything for my dating life. Here’s the truth: No one ever has it all figured out. I still hate the way my butt looks in skinny jeans, I’ll never run a marathon, and I don’t entirely know what I want to do when I’m a grown-up. None of that makes me any less lovable now.
“Your partner should be your best friend.”
I’ve heard 3,497 wedding vows that talk about someone’s partner being their best during friend, but holding out until you find someone to be your everything isn’t practical or necessary. Marriage today, for many of us, is about finding someone who complements you rather than completes you. I adore my husband, but I go to my friends first for a heart-to-heart about my career or after a fight with my mom. And why not? Each month when I was trying to get pregnant and didn’t—and felt horrible about it—I called my friend Emily instead of talking to Nick, who has nothing useful to say about ovulation. Some people are better at helping with certain things. That’s just life.
“Never go to bed angry.”
You know what makes everything better? Sleep. You know what doesn’t? Fighting until 4:00 A.M.
“If you’re single, it’s because your standards are too high.”
It’s not about high standards. It’s about what’s right for you. Sure, I could have stuck it out with the “professional” poker player who lived in his mom’s basement and tried to feel me up in a Wendy’s. (As my great aunt said to me at the time, “Isn’t everyone a work in progress?”) But a good partnership is about real connection with a stand-up human. For me, it was worth waiting for a guy who makes life better in a thousand small ways.
“When the right person comes along, you just know.”
My first thought after meeting Nick was: I can’t believe a grown man would wear hiking sandals! And then: Maybe that guy should get a haircut. I didn’t “know” anything—in fact, I talked to him only because there was no Wi-Fi on our boat. In hindsight, you always think you knew, but in the moment everyone is a little uncertain. So it’s OK if it doesn’t feel like a bolt of lightning just hit you. If you wait to know right away, you might be waiting forever.
The only thing I learned from all this advice? People will blather on. Ignore them and date like nobody’s watching.
Jo Piazza is the author of How to Be Married: What I Learned from Real Women on Five Continents About Surviving My First (Really Hard) Year of Marriage.
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