Listening ear

[syze6]

My gf is having a hard time right now and I am trying to be there for her. He guy keeps telling her he wants out! He wants her to leave HIS place, mind you she left hers to be with him. He barely says two words to her in the home except to ask, "When are you moving!" I have spent the last two weeks listening, trying to give advice and etc. I love my friend but I will say it will be a miracle if you see or hear from her when they are on good terms. She admitted she is afraid to leave because he might not come back and fight for her. So I'm telling her so be it, because you want some one to want you. So day in and out, she is in the home with a man who just wants her gone. My phone rings multiple times in a day. She thinks that if he meant it, he would pack her things. She keeps pleading with him and his answer is still the same. It's really been overload with this and I KNOW she won't leave. Dude is on some smothering need to be alone type BS!

So my question is how much longer do you make yourself available to keep listening and keep company with a gf during times like this?

 

[julzinha]

Play Tina Knowles speech for her! And go over and help her pack her things and leave. What I have found that helps with friends and helping them understand why this is a toxic situation?

If that doesn't work try and convince her to see a therapist for a few sessions.

 

[Xavier]

Why is she refusing to leave that man's house?!?! Is she on the lease? How long has it been since he asked her to leave? Why does he want her out?

Sorry for all the questions. I think she needs to just go. She can't force him to be in a relationship by refusing to move out.

 

[syze6]

I kind of like that idea...I should just show up the next time she tells me he wants her to leave and start throwing her stuff in a box! LOL! She has a home of her own to return back to, even though she left her relatives there. When I say relatives, I mean children, whom she doesn't want to live with. She has gotten used to living without children around. YET, she can't get used to living without him around! Go figure!

 

[SmileyNY]

Not much time at all. If you continue to be her escape, she will continue to avoid facing the truth.

She's in denial. You have to let people who are in denial find out on their own.If you try to convince her to move out and she actually does, she will resent you... thinking she could have saved the relationship if she stayed.

Unless she's in danger, I say leave it alone.

Once you become less and less available, she will be forced to face the truth that is sitting right in her face.

 

[TayMac]

I wouldn't answer my phone. Tell her to call if she needs some assistance with packing..that's it.

 

[syze6]

Why is she refusing to leave that man's house?!?! Is she on the lease? How long has it been since he asked her to leave? Why does he want her out?

Sorry for all the questions. I think she needs to just go. She can't force him to be in a relationship by refusing to move out.

Well to be honest he really didn't want her to move in with him in the first place. He allowed her to because she didn't want to remain at home, nor have him live alone. She is not on the lease at all. They have had numerous arguments over the last months, where he says it. She feels he says it when angry and things go back to normal. THIS time he really means it. He probably meant it the other times but is really being forceful about it. He is being distant and says hurtful things to her when he isn't giving her the silent treatment.

He is really trying to get her to leave on her own. She keeps hanging on to him and the relationship when he wants out. I can't understand why she fights so hard for this man, when her ex hubby didn't stand a chance. He had his faults but he never mistreated her nor disrespected her with words. He tried so hard to get her to come back, She says she outgrew him and she bounced and never looked back, after children and many many years with this man. Yet, she fights for dear life to hold on to this one. The one who could care less if he loses her.

 

[Pat Mahurr]

I kind of like that idea...I should just show up the next time she tells me he wants her to leave and start throwing her stuff in a box! LOL! She has a home of her own to return back to, even though she left her relatives there. When I say relatives, I mean children, whom she doesn't want to live with. She has gotten used to living without children around. YET, she can't get used to living without him around! Go figure!

Run that past me one more time??

She left her own children with relatives to move in with a man who now doesn't want her, and she's fighting for him?

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Wait she left her kids... erplexed, did I read that right...

 

[syze6]

Run that past me one more time??

She left her own children with relatives to move in with a man who now doesn't want her, and she's fighting for him?

The children are the Relatives...The oldest is 23!

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

So much crazy going on here.

I'm going through something similar with someone who can't let go of a breakup and all I'll say is your friend has to want to move on. She's a grown woman responsible for her actions. You can't make her accept reality and if you try to she might turn on you.

The fact that she left her children and a husband who begged her to stay for this man says she has a history of making bad decisions.

Be a supportive friend but don't get caught up in her mess.

 

[syze6]

So much crazy going on here.

I'm going through something similar with someone who can't let go of a breakup and all I'll say is your friend has to want to move on. She's a grown woman responsible for her actions. You can't make her accept reality and if you try to she might turn on you.

The fact that she left her children and a husband who begged her to stay for this man says she has a history of making bad decisions.

Be a supportive friend but don't get caught up in her mess.

The husband had been gone for years and it was just her and the kids. She then left there and moved in with this guy.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

The husband had been gone for years and it was just her and the kids. She then left there and moved in with this guy.

Oh ok. My opinion is still the same. Be supportive but draw boundaries.

 

[Layluh]

I wouldn't answer my phone. Tell her to call if she needs some assistance with packing..that's it.

Girl yes. This is a waste of your time op. Tell that woman don't call me with this bs anymore. Call me if you need help packing. That's it.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

The children are the Relatives...The oldest is 23!

Sweetie, she needs MORE than just a listening ear from a good friend such as yourself. She needs professional HELP. She is not thinking clearly....

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

So....I was gonna say that this is exactly why premarital cohabitation doesn't work for ME, assuming that this man convinced her to move in there for his convenience and then changed his mind, leaving her out cold. But now you tell me she has a home and he never wanted her to leave it in the first place, idk what the heck to say....

I dunno, is she embarrassed that her kids will know he asked her to leave?

She might not be over her divorce. Maybe this is some displaced reaction from that. Maybe you should suggest counseling. Don't have your girl out here playing herself without suggesting some counseling.

 

[Sosa]

She sounds clingy. I would be annoyed as heck if I told someone to leave and they are still in my house. And I didn't really want said person there in the first place?
So is she saying she won't leave unless he disses her by packing her stuff and throwing her out?

She needs to gather her dignity and bounce.

 

[hothair]

She better not push that dude into a corner he acts out and kills her or something.

I don't understand when people refuse to see the writing on the wall, that's what beings bad endings.

I would make myself unavailable after advising her to give him a breather I mean you just can't force a relationship.

 

[FlowerHair]

So she moved in even though he didn't want her to and now she refuses to leave even though he has asked her to several times??? I would be so mad if I were him. They are both weak!

I agree with those above who said that you should tell her "call me when you're ready to leave. Until then, don't call me!"

 

[syze6]

So....I was gonna say that this is exactly why premarital cohabitation doesn't work for ME, assuming that this man convinced her to move in there for his convenience and then changed his mind, leaving her out cold. But now you tell me she has a home and he never wanted her to leave it in the first place, idk what the heck to say....

I dunno, is she embarrassed that her kids will know he asked her to leave?

She might not be over her divorce. Maybe this is some displaced reaction from that. Maybe you should suggest counseling. Don't have your girl out here playing herself without suggesting some counseling.

No she is well over the divorce, it's been about 8 years now. The guy used to live with her and her children. He decided he didn't have privacy and felt crowded AFTER living there for two years with them. So he decided he wanted to get his own place for HIMSELF. Somehow he turned into we and she moved out to his place. So after almost two years, he wants her gone. I would have never left my children because they weren't ready for that responsibility of living on their own and the financial responsibility. So when I thought about all the counsel I was trying to give, I had to think that she left her children to follow him. She's not listening to anything I may have to say concerning him.

Oh...it kills me to see her beg for this relationship. I don't know what happened to her, she did a 360 with this guy. She wasn't even like that with her hubby and the man worshiped the ground she walked on.

 

[syze6]

She sounds clingy. I would be annoyed as heck if I told someone to leave and they are still in my house. And I didn't really want said person there in the first place?
So is she saying she won't leave unless he disses her by packing her stuff and throwing her out?

She needs to gather her dignity and bounce.

She doesn't want to leave period and thinks if he was serious he would pack her things. She wants to stay and keep the relationship.

 

[ThickHair]

That is why I have my own $hit. Oops, did I say that. She needs to roll out and be done with him. The longer she stays the more pathetic she looks to him and that is so unattractive. If she would have rolled when he first mentioned it. She would have left him all dazed and confused.

ETA: Stop taking her calls, she will not leave until the "law" gets involved. Hopefully she will leave under her own power.

 

[FlowerHair]

She doesn't want to leave period and thinks if he was serious he would pack her things. She wants to stay and keep the relationship.

But there is no relationship at this point...? What is there to keep?

 

[Mai Tai]

I don't follow her line of thinking. She thinks his request is not real because he hasn't PHYSICALLY evicted her?

I personally don't think he is being a jerk. He has the right to not want to continue his relationship with her and if he wants her to move, she should respect his wishes and move.

 

[MzLady78]

She doesn't want to leave period and thinks if he was serious he would pack her things. She wants to stay and keep the relationship.

This is truly some of the dumbest ish I've ever heard.

I consider myself a pretty caring friend but she could not keep calling me with this foolishness.

 

[syze6]

So I contacted her to check on her and she text me and told me he had started talkin got her slightly. I asked if he still wanted her to leave and I got no response. I did not hear from her for the rest of the day. This is after calling me multiple times in the day,for the last two weeks. I guess that was enough for her and she is back to a place that suits her.

I will not answer her call the next time something is up in their relationship. Truthfully, no one hears from her anyway until he is acting up on her. You can't even get her to come hang out with the girls becuase EVERYTHING is about HIM. I think he knows she is terrified to lose him and that's why when he gets in his moods, he is very nasty to her KNOWING she isn't going anywhere.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Lord help her. Doing a rough calculation, if she had her oldest at 16. She's pushing 40....aka old enough to know this is foolishness.

 

[syze6]

Lord help her. Doing a rough calculation, if she had her oldest at 16. She's pushing 40....aka old enough to know this is foolishness.

Yep she started at 16 and feels she needs a life of her own. She would rather live in the house with a man joined at he hip, who at any given days says he wants to break up. When she could show him she Will move back home and has a choice. I really got a chance to see just how needy and desperate she is in this relationship. It really bothered me to see her go from one extreme to the next in a relationship. Even the guy she had before this one didn't treat her like that. This guy is verbally abusive and mentally abusive, I have heard once or twice physical. Yet, she is afraid if she leave it will be just what he wants. I don't get it!

 

[syze6]

Lord help her. Doing a rough calculation, if she had her oldest at 16. She's pushing 40....aka old enough to know this is foolishness.

Yep she started at 16 and feels she needs a life of her own. She would rather live in the house with a man joined at he hip, who at any given days says he wants to break up. When she could show him she Will move back home and has a choice. I really got a chance to see just how needy and desperate she is in this relationship. It really bothered me to see her go from one extreme to the next in a relationship. Even the guy she had before this one didn't treat her like that. This guy is verbally abusive and mentally abusive, I have heard once or twice physical. Yet, she is afraid if she leave it will be just what he wants. I don't get it!

 

[Fine 4s]

Yep she started at 16 and feels she needs a life of her own. She would rather live in the house with a man joined at he hip, who at any given days says he wants to break up. When she could show him she Will move back home and has a choice. I really got a chance to see just how needy and desperate she is in this relationship. It really bothered me to see her go from one extreme to the next in a relationship. Even the guy she had before this one didn't treat her like that. This guy is verbally abusive and mentally abusive, I have heard once or twice physical. Yet, she is afraid if she leave it will be just what he wants. I don't get it!

Did she confirm the physical?
That's what I'd focus on to get her to leave.