List your rules for self-respect and healthy relationships

[SimpleKomplexity]

For the ladies who have been there. If you could school someone else on how to respect yourself and just live life to the fullest regarding relationships....

What are the "ground rules" you would give to them that would be the key to respecting themselves and forming healthy relationships (platonic or romantic) with the opposite sex?

For example:

1. Do not accept phone calls from the opposite sex after 12am. Whatever they have to talk about can wait til the morning, and during this time you should be settling yourself down to sleep and not run on E while talking to a man on the phone.

2. Dedicate time for yourself each day. If it's just painting your nails, doing your hair, working on your body or skin, dedicate some time and a good amount of it to yourself rather than focusing on other people non stop

3. Demand your respect in the beginning. If you expect something such as opening car doors, paying for dates, carrying heavy items, pumping your gas, and etc let it be known. It's easier to start out this way instead of letting 3-4 months go by and then setting out your demands.

Please continue ladies. School me School me! *Gets Nestle water and desk and sits in the front row*

 

[JustKiya]

I don't have anything current to share, but I'll share journal entry I posted ten years ago. I think it's still useful.

It is time for me to put together Jazzy’s Rules for Dating and Relationships. Because, I want/need someone to share my life with. And I will look for someone to share my life with, but there has got to be some guidelines to it. These rules will be added to, perhaps edited, but always followed.

1) Know his past dating history. If he has cheated before, he will cheat again. If it has been a few years since the last cheat, he MAY have changed, but beware.
2) He has to be able to talk about more than sports and sex.
3) He should have no problem with the concept of ‘No ring, no ****ing’. The actuality can be something very different.
4) He has to have ambition, a sense of planning, and awareness that God helps those who help themselves.
5) He has to be able to take responsibility for his own life
6) He should be maturer than your average 19-year-old.
7) He should have a job.
8) He should be dependable, reliable, responsible, steady,and any other word referring to dependabilty. If he says he is going to do something, I shouldn’t have to worry about it getting done.
9) He should have been on his own for at least two years.
10) He is honest, and has no shame in admitting that he is dating other people.
11) When we argue, he should not cuss at me.
12) If we have been platonic friends for more than three years, LEAVE IT ALONE.
13) If you loan him money, and he doen't return it promptly, be worried.
14) He should be proud enough to stand up for what he believes in, and humble enough to admit when he is wrong.
15) He should not refer to other women as *****es, ho's, broads, tramps, skanks, sluts, or any other derogatory term.
16) He should have a healthy relationship with his mother, his sisters, his aunts, his cousins, his daugthers, his nieces, and any other female family member that he may have.
17) Gentle horseplay is good. Slapping and hitting is a felony.
18) Pampering is a must, and it can go both ways.

I will NOT stop growing and learning to love. I will NOT make my heart grow a hard shell. I will NOT assume that my emotional awareness is low. I will NOT lead a life bound by my fear of pain.
I will learn. I will go forth with caution. I will grow and become more aware and more beautiful in my heart and my spirit.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

This is my blog post entitled My criteria for a long-term relationship

My criteria for a long-term relationship
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Posted 06-26-2010 at 12:59 AM by ThePerfectScore
Mar. 22
So I was having a moment of super control-freakism. I wrote this list after a break up. But I think the list is a valid one. I thought I'd share this because I know I like to look at the course syllabus before I enroll in a class. So this list is very rigid... way too rigid to actually be a deal breaker if a criterion on the list is not met. So take this list with a BIG grain of Sea Salt. I am usually not this anal. I am aware you cannot micro manage your life and put a time line on life.


Anyway---- the list:
I will not stand for physical abuse. If a man hits me once.... I am calling my daddy, my brother, my uncles, and all my cousins and their kids to kick his ***. I will not be the one to go crawling back to him. I know no man is going to hit me and live to tell about it. After reading for my Gender and Crime class about female victimization (battery/ rape) I just want females to buck up. So given that I am in a mood of empowerment, I have a new criteria for any man who wants to come into my life for a long-term serious relationship. And if these requirements scare you off, or you think I'm crazy, then I don't want you anyway.

* Number one: I want to be mutually exclusive. I am not the one for an open relationship. I am a selfish person and I don't want to share. If within 3 months of our dating you are not claiming me as your girlfriend, you need to get on with the gettin on.


* Some of y'all don't know what mutually exclusive means, I am talking about monogamy. That means you do not touch, kiss, or **** another girl. Now I am a big flirt myself, so I'm okay with you flirting with other girls, that is emotionally healthy. But you better not flirt in front of me. So if you cannot keep your dick in your pants and resist temptation then you better get on with the gettin on.

* And if in fact we are in a relationship, I expect at least 3 phone calls a week that last for at least 10 minutes. Not text messages. Just ask about my life. At least pretend to be interested in what's going on with me. I only want 30 mins a week! Not even God is that busy, so if you cannot fit me into your busy schedule to see if I'm alive and well, then you need to get on with the gettin on.

* You should respond to my emails. I promise I will not send you crazy *** chain mail messages. Usually the email will be worth your while...who knows what could be in that email. Maybe a picture, maybe a fun lil story to occupy your mind. Whatever the email is about you better respond so I don't have to be like Jason Mraz wondering, "did you get my message?" If you cannot hit the reply button, then you need to get on with the gettin on.

* I will not be having sex with you until I feel ready. Now I'm not saying I'm not one for fooling around, but anything that can result in my having your baby will be delayed. Now if you cannot wait that long, or if by that time I still don't wanna be with you then you need to get on with the gettin on

* Speaking of sex... I will not do anything I do not want to do. I am pretty open minded about these things. As long as it doesn't involve children, animals, feces, or causes me excessive pain or long-term injury, it is open for discussion. I, however, do not like anal. If you prefer an anus to a vagina, then I feel like you probably have some repressed homosexual desires that you need to work out and you need to get on with the gettin on.

* If I have known you for 2 months or more, then I expect you to celebrate my birthday. Now if we are still in the 3 month casual dating phase, then I only expect a phone call, a card, even a facebook shout out for my birthday. But if we are in a relationship I expect you to celebrate my bday. I am a big birthday person. I love to give gifts and treat a man on his special day. So if you forget my birthday (and I always letcha know when it's coming) then I will be highly upset. If you cannot remember one day of the year, then you need to get on with the gettin on

* I am a Christian. I don't care what religion you are we will exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't have to call it Christmas, but on that random day you betta have something gift wrapped for me. If you cannot join the millions of people in the holiday spirit, then you need to get on with the gettin on

* Don't say "I Love You" unless you mean it. There is a way to say those words where it has meaning. I joke around all the time saying I love you. But if in a serious way you utter "I Love You." then you better not take it back. Don't make that commitment unless you mean it. Now I know that people fall out of love, so you better phrase it like, "I loved you, but now no longer feel that way." So if you say you love me and not mean it then you need to get on with the gettin on.

* I will not be like Carrie Bradshaw... "this is my friend and, she just got engaged, and she has been going out with the man for 10 years" Or like that movie He's Just Not That Into You, been with a man for 7 years and he doesn't believe in marriage. Well I believe in marriage, so you better believe that I will leave your *** if we don't get married. I give you 5 years to propose to me. Ideally I want a ring that costs the equivalent of 6 months gross salary, now I know we aren't all ballers. And it's not even about that, who wants to be in a marriage toppled with debt. So I say 2 months gross. Now only spend this amount after you have at least 8 months worth of your living expenses sitting in a bank account. (Suze Orman style) Don't touch this money to buy me no damn ring. The engagement ring should be secondary to financial security. If by 6 months after our 5th year anniversary you have not gotten down on one knee and put a ring on my finger then you need to get on with the gettin on.



So I think that list is pretty fair. Now I'm not saying that this is a one sided thing. I know men have needs too. I'm taking relationship advice from Katt Williams “Part of your responsibility in a relationship is to make sure your man don’t cheat. If you’re in a relationship and you want to keep the relationship you got to do certain things to keep raggedy itches off your man. You are at war with raggedy itches. Cuz if you don’t want to suck your man’s marker I know a raggedy ***** that will…. However much marker you are sucking, suck twice that amount and see if it doesn’t change your relationship.” I am really a lovey dovey romantic person. I love to make the other person in the relationship happy. So I'm just sharing some things that would make me happy.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

After being in relationship were I lost all self respect here are my lil pointers

Walk away when you step out of character-ie I ran after my ex with a broom handle bc of his idiotic thoughts..I could have gotten arrested for assualt..

Don't do things that make you feel uneasy-ie I use to sleep with another guy while engaged inspite of my gut telling me it was wrong,and he didn't love me.

Never beg a man to be with you or love you

Never lead a man into things-if a man doesn't have the idea of marriage then let it go..I know some will say it's ok to leave hints..it's not it's stupid.If a man wants you he will do what is needed.

Don't shack..it's not worth it..again some will have the rationale that if you life with a man you will magically know what it's like to be married to him..it won't that's bull****.esp if you are wanting a christian marriage

Really watch how your growth is going..if you notice your changing your goals then you may need to pull from that relationship..unless its for the better

Never stop loving yourself is the most respectful thing i have learned bc when you do you will end up like me..not a pretty sight.

 

[DayStar]

JustKiya, your list was really good. You wrote down things that stay in my head. I was checking to see if the Mister met those requirements and he did.

 

[JustKiya]

JustKiya, your list was really good. You wrote down things thats stay in my head. I was checking to see if the Mister met those requirements and he did.

Thank you!! I wrote that as my heart and soul were recovering from getting pooped on by someone whose actions were plenty of warning. Funnily enough, I met DH a few months later.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

PerfectScore LOL actually your blog made me write this post

Keep the tips coming lady!! JustKiya your post is sooo on point