Ladies Please help!!

G

golden1

Active Member
I just found out that my fiance has been in contact with his ex girlfriend from high school. I have not confronted him about it. She lives in Wisconsin and we live in Illinois. She has a business as do I but his name is listed as the contact person for her business. This is the only man that I have truly ever loved.

SHould I act like nothing is going on?

Or should I bring it out in the open and let the chips fall where they may? I honestly cannot see my life without him. We have an otherwise beautiful relationship and we are really delving into our lives together. I do not know if he still feels anything for her or not. It would crush me if he did.

But whose to say that if I dump him and the next man won't have feeligns with his ex. I am at a loss and I need advice, and opinions of what you guys would do.

Thanks
 
You seem to have a lot of questions that only HE can answer.....so go ask HIM.....
Just do it when you're calm and try not to be too confrontational...b/c then he'll become uncooperative.

Honestly there could be very little going on...I am still in contact with my ex and his wife doesnt know b/c of her insecurities (but thats another story)...but its only b/c i am in DC alone and i try to stay in contact with many of my people in NYC......I have no interest in being with him.....we have just always been friends.

Good Luck
 
I think you should ask your fiance about the situation, but try not to make it about whether he still has feelings for the ex. Really, it's not about her - it's about YOUR relationship with him and how the whole thing makes YOU feel. Hopefully, you will be able to have a real conversation about that, then decide TOGETHER how to move on.

Good luck, I hope it all works out.
 
I am in International Trade and she is on the trade boards. I was thinking about calling her business and asking her about the contact person. I was going to ask if that is her business partner. Depending on what she said, then I would know what to do. Or do you guys think that is a bad idea?
 
Golden don't be coy it'll only lead to lies. The info may have been set up before you were a serious couple. If that's the case and she hasn't gone back to update the info it's probably harmless. Ask him (in passing) about it. Don't make a big deal of it. Just go, you're never going to believe what I came across while researching other trade organizations......then say - didn't you date a " such and such", I thought so. Boy she has you listed as point of contact on her site. Did you know that? I was shocked to see your name there. Conversationally not confrontationally. If you sneak around for more evidence it could back fire. So be nice but direct. JMO though.
 
The register date was 2 months ago so this is recent. He would likely not admit anything for fear of me blowing u about it, so should I even mention it at all?

What do you think about my plan to call the business?
 
I'm just afraid that if you call and ask, she'll call and tell him. That's unnecessary contact for them. If it was two months ago then you def need to ask about it. I can't see her listing him without his permission. You are fortunate that she's not in the same state though - that is a plus. This needs to be addressed but don't blow it out of proportion either.
 
But if I ask and he tells me it's just business and he was trying to make money with her will that make me look stupid and like he can get away with anything if I stay?
 
If it's money and you and he have a relationship anything earned will be spent on you anyway. You have to look at the glass as half full not half empty. Think of the positive side of things. Don't talk about leaving because in your op you stated that you loved him. Just because he's listed as a contact person on the ex's company is no reason to threaten him with a break-up unless you have reason to believe there's more to it.
 
Golden sweetie, you are just gonna have to ask him.

If you don't, its gonna be on your mind and it may affect how you treat him (he will be able to tell a difference).


You cant act like you dont know because you do, andyou dont wanna begin your marriage with unresolved issues or questions of his honesty and fidelity.

Ask him casually and calmly and go from there.

Maybe something like...
"Hey babe, I didnt know you were in business with________.How's that going?

Good Luck and let us know what happens!
 
golden1 said:
I am in International Trade and she is on the trade boards. I was thinking about calling her business and asking her about the contact person. I was going to ask if that is her business partner. Depending on what she said, then I would know what to do. Or do you guys think that is a bad idea?
Click to expand...


You're getting ready to marry this man. I think you have to ask him about his connection with his ex and give him a chance to be straightforward with you. Then, trust your instincts about whether you believe him - or not. It sounds like you already have a feeling that he may lie to you. Only you can decide what that means to you.

Either way, you need to be able to resolve the questions you have just to give yourself some peace of mind. If you don't resolve this with your man, will your imagination forever get the best of you?
 
I'd rather know before I'm married to him than after I'm married.

Go ask now, don't wait. It's a legitmate question and you have a right to know why he's listed as the contact person and why he's still communicating with her. If they have children together than that's a different story, but if no kids, I would want a legit answer.

Good luck!
 
It could be that she asked him to help her out with the business and he was flattered and said yes. It might be her way of keeping him in her life.
 
Okay....Golden, honey, I don't know what you have decided yet....but I need you to know something....sometimes....and I know this is a much debated topic on LHCF....but sometimes, a lot of times....people who were once a couple, do not just cut off all contact when they cease to become one.

I am friends with some of my exes and if I needed the business support of one, I could get it....without having to give up the nooky or stroke his ego....he would do it just on the strength of having known me well as an upstanding person that he can trust and he would help out purely as a supportive friend. People do this all the time. I know many people here won't agree but sometimes I feel as though the vibe on this board is so ANXIETY FILLED :detective:when it comes to our men and their interactive relationships with the world that we are standing with our finger on the trigger and a meat cleaver in the other hand just WAITING on a brother to even say "HI" to another woman. :ninja::pirate::samurai:

Truth is...and you know this being a business owner yourself....when you are running your own ****, you gotta network and you gotta hustle and that starts with the relationships you have established and building leads from there. I wouldn't just assume that his assistance means he's also loving her, poking her nor even checking her out like that. He wants to marry you! He didn't marry her! :yep:

I also need to ask, how did you come about this info? Were you digging for it or did you come across it in your own work? You don't want him thinking you are that insecure that you are digging for **** on his old girlfriends.

Now, I understand your concern that he didn't mention it....THAT would irritate the hell outta me that a) he didn't mention it because b) he thinks I am so insecure that I cannot handle this news....it's the caution, the secrecy, that would make me suspicious....This secrecy could be based on past relationships where he has learned that women flip out at the mention of other women or it could be something you yourself taught him by your own past behavior with him.

I have experienced this with my SO and I had to let dude know..."I'm a grown *** woman and I network TOO! And, I am not gonna hesitate to mention to YOU who I met, talk to, work with or whatever...male or female because I have nothing to hide and I do not expect you to loose your sense of security so show me the same respect and mention your dealings without fear to me as well!" So, that's what we do....but I learned that he was used to insecure women who break down at the mere insinuation that he even saw another woman walking down the street....perhaps your fiancee has that perspective.

Anywho, I wouldn't jump to the cheating/unfaithful conclusion. And, I also would ask him about it and let him know he is free to mention and discuss this sort of thing with you and that YOU will do the same when you are networking with your prospects as well! :yep:
 
I have bigger problems than that now. We got into a physical fight over something very different. Now HE wants to break up and I am the one with the blood spotted eye.
 
golden1 said:
I have bigger problems than that now. We got into a physical fight over something very different. Now HE wants to break up and I am the one with the blood spotted eye.
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What a Physical fight!!! Are you ok? ((((hugs)))):nono::nono: Maybe he felt that he was suspect and intigated an argument - care to elaborate on what happened? Do you really have a blood spotted eye or were you speaking figuratively? I'm so sorry sweetie.
 
golden1 said:
I really do have a blood spotted eye
Click to expand...

Huh? Oh no he didn't! What happened? Has he did anything like this in the past? You have to cut your losses girl - you can't have no man putting his hands on your person. You're a woman and he's a man that's not cool.
 
golden1 said:
This is the third time he has put his hands on me in the last month.
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And you're still trying to marry this fool? Girl didn't you see that post of Vanity's friend's daughter who was just found dead - killed by an ex-boyfriend who used to smack her around? Get out while you're still ahead
 
I know its' not ok. We had such a beautiful relationship for so long that I almost feel as though I caused this. The switch is so drastic. I just want peace
 
:eek: YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!!!!! PLEASE Do NOT let him make you believe that (thru his actions or words)! It hurts me so much to read that. :(
 
golden1 said:
I know its' not ok. We had such a beautiful relationship for so long that I almost feel as though I caused this. The switch is so drastic. I just want peace
Click to expand...

Unless you figured out how to take control over his body and then instructed his body to hurt you - you could not possibly cause this.

Well.. unless you came out swinging first.

But seriously the details of how his hands came to be on you are irrelevant. Ok the switch is drastic. Got it. But your reactions need to be equally drastic. You can't ride on the memory of how great it was becuase the moment things turned physical that's all it is - a MEMORY.

Deal with today. Today you know you have a life threatening situation with this man. Whatever the reasons behind it - irrelevant. Stop deflecting your attention towards other irrelevant issues such as this thing with the ex.

He hurt your mother's baby. Stop ignoring the elephant in the room.

What's your home situation? Are you living with him?
 
No thank God we don't live together, it would be that much worse.

I just have to pray and see what happens
 
Golden,
Who do you love more? A man who obviously does not respect your precious, mind, body and temple or yourself? You are a BEAUTIFUL young lady who deserves nothing better but to be treated as the diamond that you are. Once a man starts to physically abuse you the respect for you has been lost and You DID NOT do anything to cause this. He made a choice on his own that he is immature and not man enough to keep his hands off you and is this what you believe you deserve?

Once you start loving yourself and I mean TRULY loving yourself you will not have to question what someones intentions are. Trust me YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM and DO NOT put the next person in the same box as the one before and if you do keep getting the same results..take a deep look at yourself because then there's something inside of you that needs to change.

I know it's hard to walk away from what we consider love and we have a hard time letting go of the past "when everything was perfect". The fact of the matter is that things aren't perfect in the present, and you can NEVER regain the past. If he's hitting on you then You know what your future holds.....Don't be foolish be wise. Make a tough decision and seek out a life that rewards you and is full of love, respect and kindness.
Once you work on yourself, by yourself, the world will open up a host of loving opportunities for you. Be wise and blessed!
 
golden1 said:
No thank God we don't live together, it would be that much worse.

I just have to pray and see what happens
Click to expand...

I will agree that prayer is powerful, but prayer alone will not fix this situation. Prayer alone is passive.

You cannot pray him into being a man worthy of you.
 
What would advice would you give your daughter if she came to you with this situation?

Mom - he's hitting me. Three times over the past few weeks. I have to wear shades today because my eye is bloody.

This is your daughter Golden... what would you tell her to do?
 
golden1 said:
No thank God we don't live together, it would be that much worse.

I just have to pray and see what happens
Click to expand...


Also when you pray be ready to receive the answer and it's not always wht we want to hear. Bottom line, you're going to have to deal with your heartbreak but you will be a better, happier person for it.

This book really helped me get through a tough time in a relationship. It's based on the Word of God and it truly changed my life.

1. Single, Married, Separated and Life after Divorce by Myles Munroe
 
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