Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be honest.

[weaveologist]

My mother tries to advice me a lot on relationships. She really puts emphasis on the fact that financial stability is more important than loving someone. She doesn't mean this literally. What she is basically telling me to do is refrain from constantly shewing away the financially supportive so quickly because they simply rub me the wrong way because I will "grow to love" them.

As I get older I start to realize the importance of having that 50% . . . Actually 65-90% is even better, but I digress . . . I also talk to many women that are in long -term relationships and/or are married and they seem to like their SO, or love their SO, but are not IN LOVE with their SO.


I just can't imagine being with someone for the rest of my life and not feeling romantically and emotionally connected with that person. But does married eventually become just a ritual?

I just recently ended a long - term relationship with my SO because I was really tired of not feelings like I was IN LOVE or like he was IN LOVE. We simply seemed to be putting up with each other because we were used to each other and no one wants to start all over.

So finally my question is for the ladies who are in long term relationships or married, are you TRUELY IN LOVE with your SO or do you just love him because you're used to him? Did you get with him and do you stay because of the financial stability?

 

[DarkHair]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I love my DH so much! We've been together for a long time. We also have this funny connection. We think/dress/look/act alike. We are truly best friends. BUT, he has told me that he thinks he loves me MORE than I love him. I disagreed, but he says that he's content with the notion. He says it's his job to love and protect me and so forth. Our relationship isn't about money at all. There are days when we are/were broke and hungry. Those times force us to come together, love, spend more time together, and listen to each other's stomachs growl. If I didn't love him, I have PLENT of opportunity to do him wrong. Instead, I patiently wait for him to return, cook him breakfast and just love up on him. Being in a loving relationship is good.

 

[Caramela]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I'm definitely in love, but it's not the giddy, butterflies in my stomach type of love. It's a real love, a "I can tolerate your morning breath" or "walk into the bathroom after you've done a #2" type of love. We definitely are emotionally and physically attracted to eachtoher most of the time, but there are days when we're not and I think that's normal. We love eachtother and have a wonderful time, but there are bad days too. I think that relationships should be 100% / 100% ... bothing giving their full effort, but there are days when one person may give 25% so the other spouse has to take up the slack and give 175%... so all in all, yes I'm in love but it's a different deeper less "surface/superficial" type of love.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

See? That's kind of sad because I want the butterflies to last. I guess there are more important things though. You learn as you grow I guess...

 

[dlewis]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

For me the inlove feeling comes and goes. Right now I'm in love, tingly all over and everything. But that doesn't usually last. I always love him but I don't always have that inlove feeling. Just like I don't always like him, I have spells when he gets on my nerves alot.

I don't know if that type of passionate relationship is for me, while we have periods of passion, it's not 24/7 - 365 days a year. IMO those types of relationships don't last.

I want a love that endures, that lasts.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

For me the inlove feeling comes and goes. Right now I'm in love, tingly all over and everything. But that doesn't usually last. I always love him but I don't always have that inlove feeling. Just like I don't always like him, I have spells when he gets on my nerves alot.

I don't know if that type of passionate relationship is for me, while we have periods of passion, it's not 24/7 - 365 days a year. IMO those types of relationships don't last.

I want a love that endures, that lasts.

They don't?? That sucks! Maybe I am living in the fiction world that I write in all the time........ I want to be passionately in love. Not just loving him because of the history and marriage. I love my best friend. I love some of my associates for the things we have been through. I want my love for my future DH to be different. Or am I living in a fantasy world? Because I very well could be....If that's the case, I have broken up with a few people for no reason!

 

[dlewis]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

They don't?? That sucks! Maybe I am living in the fiction world that I write in all the time........ I want to be passionately in love. Not just loving him because of the history and marriage. I love my best friend. I love some of my associates for the things we have been through. I want my love for my future DH to be different. Or am I living in a fantasy world? Because I very well could be....If that's the case, I have broken up with a few people for no reason!

It will be different, it's on a different level. What other person are you gonna be sharing your thoughts, feelings and body with? And it is a love based partly on that, I think thats one of the best things about it.

@ the bolded. That's prob true.

 

[lunabelle]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I recently ended a six year relationship for this exact reason. I loved him and I always will but it came to a point where the flame had just... died(for various reasons). I felt like he deserved to be with someone who got butterflies just from his touch and I simply didn't have that anymore. We were more like best friends than anything which is fine, but it was definitely becoming more platonic for me. I didnt want to stay in a relationship just because I was comfortable. Now that I'm dating again, I feel...alive again, so much more to experience. Besides you only live once, I refuse to live with regrets.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

@ the bolded. That's prob true.

I'm sayin' though. I just don't want to be in a relationship where I'm like "yeah i love him" ... I want to be giddy about my love and my DH at least 80% of the time. I see couples who are just together. No giddiness. No holding hands. Not even sleeping in the same bed. That is NOTHING to look forward to. If having a husband eventually just ends up being something to pay 50% of the bills and help with the kids then I'm straight. I get simple love, support, and attachment from my family. I want my DH to be different.

 

[dlewis]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I'm sayin' though. I just don't want to be in a relationship where I'm like "yeah i love him" ... I want to be giddy about my love and my DH at least 80% of the time. I see couples who are just together. No giddiness. No holding hands. Not even sleeping in the same bed. That is NOTHING to look forward to. If having a husband eventually just ends up being something to pay 50% of the bills and help with the kids then I'm straight. I get simple love, support, and attachment from my family. I want my DH to be different.

I can't wait to get to that point. I'm not the best person to talk to about these things.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I can't wait to get to that point. I'm not the best person to talk to about these things.

See??? Aw damn!

 

[kandake]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I can't wait to get to that point. I'm not the best person to talk to about these things.

Comes out of lurk mode...

You are killin' me over here.

Weaveologist,

I think its important for you to realize that "love" may not be the same throughout your relationship/marriage. There will be times where you have butterflies and giddiness and then other times where you love the person but aren't necessarily in love with that person.

I think love operates in stages and phases; especially in long-term relationships/marriages. So, if you plan on getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone, I think its important to come to grips with the idea that you will not be "in-love" with them 100% of the time. Otherwise I think you may be setting yourself up for failure. ...Did that sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to.

ETA: I think a lot marriage end because people don't understand the whole love concept as it relates to marriage. In a marriage love should be enduring (Lasting, continuing, long-suffering; patient). Even when you don't necessarily feel the typical "romantic love" type of feelings.

 

[MzLady78]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Comes out of lurk mode...

You are killin' me over here.

Weaveologist,

I think its important for you to realize that "love" may not be the same throughout your relationship/marriage. There will be times where you have butterflies and giddiness and then other times where you love the person but aren't necessarily in love with that person.

I think love operates in stages and phases; especially in long-term relationships/marriages. So, if you plan on getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone, I think its important to come to grips with the idea that you will not be "in-love" with them 100% of the time. Otherwise I think you may be setting yourself up for failure. ...Did that sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to.

I'm not married, but I agree with this 100%.

 

[dlewis]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Comes out of lurk mode...

You are killin' me over here.

Weaveologist,

I think its important for you to realize that "love" may not be the same throughout your relationship/marriage. There will be times where you have butterflies and giddiness and then other times where you love the person but aren't necessarily in love with that person.

I think love operates in stages and phases; especially in long-term relationships/marriages. So, if you plan on getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone, I think its important to come to grips with the idea that you will not be "in-love" with them 100% of the time. Otherwise I think you may be setting yourself up for failure. ...Did that sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to.

ETA: I think a lot marriage end because people don't understand the whole love concept as it relates to marriage. In a marriage love should be enduring (Lasting, continuing, long-suffering; patient). Even when you don't necessarily feel the typical "romantic love" type of feelings.

Thank you. That was perfect.

I think I can turn most people off when it comes to marriage but your post was great.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Comes out of lurk mode...

You are killin' me over here.

Weaveologist,

I think its important for you to realize that "love" may not be the same throughout your relationship/marriage. There will be times where you have butterflies and giddiness and then other times where you love the person but aren't necessarily in love with that person.

I think love operates in stages and phases; especially in long-term relationships/marriages. So, if you plan on getting married and spending the rest of your life with someone, I think its important to come to grips with the idea that you will not be "in-love" with them 100% of the time. Otherwise I think you may be setting yourself up for failure. ...Did that sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to.

ETA: I think a lot marriage end because people don't understand the whole love concept as it relates to marriage. In a marriage love should be enduring (Lasting, continuing, long-suffering; patient). Even when you don't necessarily feel the typical "romantic love" type of feelings.

Oooooh. Gotcha....Bascially I'm living in a fairy tale is what you're saying.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I mean I don't expect romance and giddiness 100% of the time but I totally expect to be more than just putting up with somebody because I have been with him for 10+ years and it will be hard to split the assets. That's no life to live but so many people are living it. And I strongly believe that they are living it because they married for other reasons than being in love.

 

[kandake]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Thank you. That was perfect.

I think I can turn most people off when it comes to marriage but your post was great.

Thanks Dlewis.

Don't be ashamed of keeping it real. I think people need to here what you have to say. Its your reality; and the reality of a lot of married people.

I was only married for a short period of time but definitely understand how it is. I loved my ex-dh dearly (still do to a certain extent) but I cannot say that I was in love the entire time. And there were definitely sometimes when I didn't want to sleep in the same bad with that ****.

But once again enduring love is key. I understood that... he didn't.

 

[kandake]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Oooooh. Gotcha....Bascially I'm living in a fairy tale is what you're saying.

Uhm... just a little.

I mean I don't expect romance and giddiness 100% of the time but I totally expect to be more than just putting up with somebody because I have been with him for 10+ years and it will be hard to split the assets. That's no life to live but so many people are living it. And I strongly believe that they are living it because they married for other reasons than being in love.

With marriage I think people put up with it because they took vows and made a commitment for better or worse. When you fall out of love with your husband or wife its the commitment to the commitment that should carry you through. And God for all us saved folks. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with marrying for the wrong reasons.

 

[Ms.Honey]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I've been married for 22 years and we've raised 3 children. We've been together since we were 15.

I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him. The "in love" state is just a stage. It would be too emotionally draining for my heart to soar everytime I heard his voice or to go limp everytime he entered the room

We are too romantically inclined nowadays in this country. We always want to "feel" something I love DH and don't want anyone else but I don't always want to be around him, all up under him and have him in my face. Him being home safe and sound in the other room is sufficient

Like Dee says, you don't feel the same everyday. Some days are,"You know hunny, you have GOT to have the cutest butt I've ever seen and the the juiciest lips on earth". Later that same evening it could be,"Jesus just let him die a day before I do so I can be free one last time"

I always tell folks if they never wished HD was dead for a least a fleeting moment then you ain't been married long enough or you just don't pay attention to him

You'll always love them but like when you had the heart pounding, coochie twitching love??? NOPEYou grow as a couple and make that decision to stick it through.

There is love and security on the other side of the hard work and it takes years and even decades to get to it.

 

[doublejo]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I'll admit, I am not head over hills sitting by the phone waiting on you to call me in love with my SO, but I know I love him more than anything else because I've experienced lust with another. Real love isn't about butterflies, it is more than that. You have to lose it one day to really appreciate it.

 

[msdeevee]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I have been married for 20 years and I am still in love with my DH.

I agree with Kandi and Caramela..true love goes through stages and phases. Passion for anything and anybody runs strong sometimes and dies down sometimes. Real true love endures the times when it's not a burning flame.

Think of it in a real lifetime we can go through many changes Spiritually, physically we change, financially, emotionally.

If you really love someone sometimes they will do some stuff to really peeve you and you may be mad at them but you don't stop loving them. You stick with them and ride it out. That's a real ride or die chick.

I think that so many people expect to get married and then trip through the tulips and run into each others arms with their hair blowing behind them everyday and then when they realize that's not the way it is in real life they want a divorce or separation to capture that feeling with someone else and then eventually that dies down.

I love my Dh somedays more than others. I still have passion for him and I think he is one of the most handsome men I've ever seen and I count myself blessed that he chose me, but sometimes I can kick brother man down the steps and then I get over it.

Love is long suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag , does not get puffed up , does not behave indecently, does not look for it's own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury...it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things 1 Cor.13 (no offense to those that don't want to hear what the Bible says)

Truly!!

 

[dlewis]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I've been married for 22 years and we've raised 3 children. We've been together since we were 15.

I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him. The "in love" state is just a stage. It would be too emotionally draining for my heart to soar everytime I heard his voice or to go limp everytime he entered the room

We are too romantically inclined nowadays in this country. We always want to "feel" something I love DH and don't want anyone else but I don't always want to be around him, all up under him and have him in my face. Him being home safe and sound in the other room is sufficient

Like Dee says, you don't feel the same everyday. Some days are,"You know hunny, you have GOT to have the cutest butt I've ever seen and the the juiciest lips on earth". Later that same evening it could be,"Jesus just let him die a day before I do so I can be free one last time"

I always tell folks if they never wished HD was dead for a least a fleeting moment then you ain't been married long enough or you just don't pay attention to him

You'll always love them but like when you had the heart pounding, coochie twitching love??? NOPEYou grow as a couple and make that decision to stick it through.

There is love and security on the other side of the hard work and it takes years and even decades to get to it.

I agree with this entire post

 

[doublejo]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

You'll always love them but like when you had the heart pounding, coochie twitching love???

Exactly, coochie twitching love is more lust than anything.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Uhm... just a little.



With marriage I think people put up with it because they took vows and made a commitment for better or worse. When you fall out of love with your husband or wife its the commitment to the commitment that should carry you through. And God for all us saved folks. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with marrying for the wrong reasons.

From a religious stand point, I can agree with that.

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

I've been married for 22 years and we've raised 3 children. We've been together since we were 15.

I love my husband but I'm not "in love" with him. The "in love" state is just a stage. It would be too emotionally draining for my heart to soar everytime I heard his voice or to go limp everytime he entered the room

We are too romantically inclined nowadays in this country. We always want to "feel" something I love DH and don't want anyone else but I don't always want to be around him, all up under him and have him in my face. Him being home safe and sound in the other room is sufficient

Like Dee says, you don't feel the same everyday. Some days are,"You know hunny, you have GOT to have the cutest butt I've ever seen and the the juiciest lips on earth". Later that same evening it could be,"Jesus just let him die a day before I do so I can be free one last time"

I always tell folks if they never wished HD was dead for a least a fleeting moment then you ain't been married long enough or you just don't pay attention to him

You'll always love them but like when you had the heart pounding, coochie twitching love??? NOPEYou grow as a couple and make that decision to stick it through.

There is love and security on the other side of the hard work and it takes years and even decades to get to it.

This is depressing! For one; like I said, I have come to the realization that I expect too much and for two; refer back to number one!

 

[weaveologist]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Okay so tell me this (then I'm through prying)... Though you may not be "in love" has the courting stopped? Is it still living in a fantasy world to expect him to continue to do the things he did to get you after so many years?

 

[Ms.Honey]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Okay so tell me this (then I'm through prying)... Though you may not be "in love" has the courting stopped? Is it still living in a fantasy world to expect him to continue to do the things he did to get you after so many years?

Yes, yes it is

Girl folks get tired chasing after kids you swear are trying to take you out of here Love and marriage and child rearing is the hardest job you'll ever have. It's easy to wine and dine when it's just the two of you but when you bring the little psychos we call children into the mix??? You just want to sit down by yourselves for 5 minutes and comfort each other

Besides the courting stage is a farce You both are lying cuz you know doggone well you can't maintain forever What you do do is find REASONABLE ways to show affection like foot massages, back rubs, date night etc. Ya gotta fit in, where you can get in. AND your budget can no longer support your $100 plus meals anymore. Popeyes and Red Lobster becomes high class dining

 

[Ms.Honey]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

This is depressing! For one; like I said, I have come to the realization that I expect too much and for two; refer back to number one!

Girl it's not depressing, it's reality. If you two know in advance that it's supposed to happen and that what folks who've been married 50, 60, 70 years have learned and are STILL happy to be together, then you know the bad is just a NORMAL stage that ALL good marriages go through

There is peace and great sex on the otherside of reasonable expectations He ain't never gonna be MJ and I ain't never gonna be Halle or whoever but it's his and he's happy and it's mine and I'm happy

 

[PatTodd]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Girl it's not depressing, it's reality. If you two know in advance that it's supposed to happen and that what folks who've been married 50, 60, 70 years have learned and are STILL happy to be together, then you know the bad is just a NORMAL stage that ALL good marriages go through
There is peace and great sex on the otherside of reasonable expectations He ain't never gonna be MJ and I ain't never gonna be Halle or whoever but it's his and he's happy and it's mine and I'm happy

Preach, preacher

I have been married almost 12 years and I think that the bolded is the most important thing for any young married couple to know .

 

[UmSumayyah]

Re: Ladies in LONG-TERM relationships or MARRIED - Are you in love or in like? Be hon

Yes, yes it is

Girl folks get tired chasing after kids you swear are trying to take you out of here Love and marriage and child rearing is the hardest job you'll ever have. It's easy to wine and dine when it's just the two of you but when you bring the little psychos we call children into the mix??? You just want to sit down by yourselves for 5 minutes and comfort each other
Besides the courting stage is a farce You both are lying cuz you know doggone well you can't maintain forever What you do do is find REASONABLE ways to show affection like foot massages, back rubs, date night etc. Ya gotta fit in, where you can get in. AND your budget can no longer support your $100 plus meals anymore. Popeyes and Red Lobster becomes high class dining

Shoo, the only time I can get a word in edgewise is date night or anytime I'm lucky enough to have all the kids asleep at once AND both of us awake at the same time.