I've set a date

[*5+5]

and I'm sticking to it!

If my SO doesn't make it official (proposal/ring) by July, then I think it’ll be time to move on.
The relationship is pretty strong and things are very solid. The pieces that are missing is reserved IMO for a bigger commitment, career moves/location planning.

No need to do all that with a boyfriend eh?

Why July?

3 yrs in June.
Family Reunion in July, an opportunity for him to propose with all of my family around.

He talks about me being his wife all the time but he needs to put it in action.

Here is where I’m stuck. Should I tell him?

I really hadn’t planned on it. erplexed

He knows my heart and how I feel. There shouldn’t be any doubt in his mind about how serious I am about him and the relationship.

I’ve never been big on dates, but I have a ton of options career wise and I can’t set those around a boyfriend. If we are in this for the long haul we need to start planning together. If he has no plans to make me his wife in the next year or so, I understand. But I can’t wait around.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

nope dont tell him anything....i mean imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and someone told you you had until X date to do something or else. Telling him would defeat the whole purpose. and you would look pretty stupid if you didnt follow through with the ultimatum if he knows about it. Id just keep quiet and go with my plans.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I believe that a closed mouth don't get fed and ain't no point in starving yourself until July. I don't think you should give an ultimatum, but you do need to lay your situation out for him and be prepared to walk away if it ya'll don't see things the same way.

I'd have a talk with dude and tell him that you'd like to know where your relationship is going.

LET HIM DO THE TALKING. You are going to want to talk, but you need to act like your lips are super glued together.

If he doesn't mention marriage, then you have your answer. It's time to get to steppin.

If he does mention marriage, you can ask him what his time frame is. If he's talking about some more years then that's your cue to let him know what you said here.

I have a ton of options career wise and I can’t set those around a boyfriend. If we are in this for the long haul we need to start planning together.

If he continues with 'years' speak, then you have your answer.

 

[brsugarbabe]

I understand where you are coming from. But the last thing you want to do is force a man to committ. You should state how you feel about your career goals and such. And why it would be good for you guys to settle down. But do not tell him he needs to marry you at a certain time. That might be a mistake. But in the end do what is right for you.

 

[Xerxes]

and I'm sticking to it!

If my SO doesn't make it official (proposal/ring) by July, then I think it’ll be time to move on.
The relationship is pretty strong and things are very solid. The pieces that are missing is reserved IMO for a bigger commitment, career moves/location planning.

No need to do all that with a boyfriend eh?

Why July?

3 yrs in June.
Family Reunion in July, an opportunity for him to propose with all of my family around.

He talks about me being his wife all the time but he needs to put it in action.

Here is where I’m stuck. Should I tell him?

I really hadn’t planned on it. erplexed

He knows my heart and how I feel. There shouldn’t be any doubt in his mind about how serious I am about him and the relationship.

I’ve never been big on dates, but I have a ton of options career wise and I can’t set those around a boyfriend. If we are in this for the long haul we need to start planning together. If he has no plans to make me his wife in the next year or so, I understand. But I can’t wait around.

Stop the madness! Men are not psychic! LOL

He doesn't know about your "date" and you have no idea what he has planned or not planned for you, otherwise you wouldn't be making up an ultimatum.

So you need to run to him and talk about your concerns. Be upfront so you don't waste any time. Ask him point blank, "When are you going to propose to me? I need to know now while I make some decisions regarding my career."

He'll tell you right then if he's ready to consider really making you his wife and right then you should leave if he says he can't see himself being ready to do that. Men like to have their careers established before they settle down with a woman, so if he's not happy with his job, then you are just on stand-by. He wants to be able to be a good provider and that's a good thing, so let him tell you what's up and you decide if getting a ring by a certain date is more important than staying with your man of 3 years.

Also consider if you are really ready for marriage and not just a wedding. Are you two in debt? How are your finances? How compatible are you two? Do you want to just be a bride or are you committed to being a good wife?

True love is too beautiful to be cheapened by an ultimatum, but if you want a ring that bad, go ahead girl and don't be shocked if he walks away or gives you what you want but then he lives to regret it.

If I were you, I'd make my career plans and just let him know as I make decisions what I'm doing and then let him know how he could factor in my life should he choose to, but never slow down your life until he gives you a ring.

 

[caltron]

I am a believer in ultimatums in some circumstances. I do think you need to tell him that you are ready to be married. Three years is a LONG time to date, and if you really want to be married, you don't need to be wasting your time. Think of all the women who have dated their men for years and have nothing to show for it. I dated a man off and on for ten years hoping that one day he would get his act together. I learned the hard way that if it hasn't happened in two years or so, it's likely that it will never happen. I'm just glad I woke up in time so that I could find a real man who loves me and doesn't keep stringing me along.

IF he loves you and IF he is capable of being in a successful marriage, he will do whatever is necessary to keep you. An ultimatum is a spur to action for a good man that has been taking you for granted. An ultimatum can also be a gift for a woman who can't accept the fact she's with a loser or someone who needs time to grow and "find himself". Never, never, never place your life on hold for a man.

 

[Farida]

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum, but talk to him about where he sees your relationship going, and what desires you have.

Otherwise, if you tell him if you don't propose by July whatever, that just seems arbitrary. July may seem like the perfect time in your mind for him to propose, but maybe he has plans. What if his time is in August?

I just agree withe everything JCoily said.

 

[Allandra]

Stop the madness! Men are not psychic! LOL

He doesn't know about your "date" and you have no idea what he has planned or not planned for you, otherwise you wouldn't be making up an ultimatum.

So you need to run to him and talk about your concerns. Be upfront so you don't waste any time. Ask him point blank, "When are you going to propose to me? I need to know now while I make some decisions regarding my career."

He'll tell you right then if he's ready to consider really making you his wife and right then you should leave if he says he can't see himself being ready to do that. Men like to have their careers established before they settle down with a woman, so if he's not happy with his job, then you are just on stand-by. He wants to be able to be a good provider and that's a good thing, so let him tell you what's up and you decide if getting a ring by a certain date is more important than staying with your man of 3 years.

Also consider if you are really ready for marriage and not just a wedding. Are you two in debt? How are your finances? How compatible are you two? Do you want to just be a bride or are you committed to being a good wife?

True love is too beautiful to be cheapened by an ultimatum, but if you want a ring that bad, go ahead girl and don't be shocked if he walks away or gives you what you want but then he lives to regret it.

If I were you, I'd make my career plans and just let him know as I make decisions what I'm doing and then let him know how he could factor in my life should he choose to, but never slow down your life until he gives you a ring.

Very well said.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

I believe that a closed mouth don't get fed and ain't no point in starving yourself until July. I don't think you should give an ultimatum, but you do need to lay your situation out for him and be prepared to walk away if it ya'll don't see things the same way.

I'd have a talk with dude and tell him that you'd like to know where your relationship is going.

LET HIM DO THE TALKING. You are going to want to talk, but you need to act like your lips are super glued together.

If he doesn't mention marriage, then you have your answer. It's time to get to steppin.

If he does mention marriage, you can ask him what his time frame is. If he's talking about some more years then that's your cue to let him know what you said here.


If he continues with 'years' speak, then you have your answer.

EXCELLENT advice...

 

[swirl]

honestly, i think you're living in a fantasy. oh i want him to propose to me in front of my family and then i can go off and have this fabulous career and marriage. good boyfriends don't necessarily make good husbands. you say that your relationship is good. enjoy it and stop pressuring yourself to be married.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Hmmm..do you live together? I'm trying to think about the best way to handle it with this factor involved. You say you have alot of career options, omitting him from the picture of your life is one career path more attractive than one that would be convenient for your relationship distance wise? If so, talk to him about your career options. Mention the pros and cons of taking each career path, and tell him you are leaning towards the one that may put a strain on your relationship, you don't have to say it in those words, it'll be clear as day what each path would mean to him. If he protests on the path that means you'd see less and less of him, tell him "I'd consider that if you were my husband and I love being with you but you're just my boyfriend and in that sense I'm really only required to think about myself and where I want to be in life when making these plans." Leave it at that.
If he doesn't protest, then perhaps the writing is on the wall as far as his lack of intention to marry you.

I'd bring it to his attention in a round about way such as this, I wouldn't be direct with a 'marry by this time or else'.

 

[weaveologist]

I like all the responses thus far. What I can only say is do what is best for you. If you feel as if you are getting tired and you're ready for marriage, suggest it and wait until your breaking point. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum because don't you want to be able to look back on your engagement and marriage and know that he asked from the bottom of his heart and not because you gave him an ultimatum?

Also, please remember that as you get tired of this "good boyfriend" you are readying yourself to enter the dating pool again. That is a nightmare in itself.

Depending on different factors, three years is not that long to be dating and yet to be married. But I can feel you on wanting the proposal....Makes it more official.

 

[MissJ]

I understand where you are coming from. But the last thing you want to do is force a man to committ. You should state how you feel about your career goals and such. And why it would be good for you guys to settle down. But do not tell him he needs to marry you at a certain time. That might be a mistake. But in the end do what is right for you.

She can't make him do anything. When she tells him how she feels, he'll make his own decision.

 

[*5+5]

Great assessment ladies, you've definitely giving me a lot to think about.

I should have included in the OP that we had a conversation in Nov. about our expectations. I made it ultra clear that I was ready to go to the next level and solidify things a bit. In that conversation I asked him where did he see our relationship going? He specifically stated he wish to get married and have kids in the near future but didn't state a time frame.

I'm not concerned about a wedding or a grandiose proposal. I stated family reunion meaning an opportunity for him to propose considering we are both very traditional. I love him and want for us to be happy together and moving forward with our future plans. The depth of his commitment to me is pertinent to some of the choices we/I need to make. I'm not thinking move or lose. But more so if we are at different places with our expectations than I shouldn't have to wait and he shouldn't be forced.