It's not logic...it's love...right?

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

So once again my daughter's dad is expressing his love for me, telling me he wish we had another chance. We have been at this for 10 years now, on and off. 6 months on 3 months off, 3 months on, 2 months off. This has been going on for so long that it's retarded. We both must be stupid because we keep going at this relationship with our ordinary ways and expect extrodinary results and it never works. We have broken up so many times.

We have to see each other for our daughter and as soon as I see them together I am a goner. I don't think I will ever get over falling in love with the sight of my daughter playing and laughing and loving her dad, and him loving her back. We had this baby on purpose together and then we completely fell apart but we can never stay apart for long.

He gets on my nerves so bad its not even funny. He lost his job a while back and still hasn't gotten another one yet, he's borderline narcissistic personality disorder, very inconsiderate, he lies about stupid s***. But we have a baby who looks just like the both of us, we have passion for each other so much so that we fall in love with each other over and over again as if it's brand new, when things are good we're good friends, he doesn't have anyone else cause his family is f***** up.

So what should I do? My intuition says run but I can't tell the difference between my intuition and my fears. I am very fearful and untrusting so in my screwed up mind he's all kinds of horrible and so is everybody else who has ever hurt me. I have issues and I can no longer tell when my issues are interfereing with my life. My heart is still but constantly longing for my family to be together. My head is saying stupid. I guess it all boils down to if I can be with him just the way he is today. I know I can't get back together with him hoping that he'll change one day. So what do I do?

 

[cheetarah1980]

Only you can decide to stop the cycle. If you keep telling yourself that he's an option then you will keep treating him as such. I realize having a child together does bond you, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to move on.
Reread your original post. You give all the reasons why you shouldn't be with this man and none of those things are just your fears talking. Contrary to popular belief you can control your feelings. You just have to want to.

 

[Rastafarai]

So once again my daughter's dad is expressing his love for me, telling me he wish we had another chance. We have been at this for 10 years now, on and off. 6 months on 3 months off, 3 months on, 2 months off. This has been going on for so long that it's retarded. We both must be stupid because we keep going at this relationship with our ordinary ways and expect extrodinary results and it never works. We have broken up so many times.

We have to see each other for our daughter and as soon as I see them together I am a goner. I don't think I will ever get over falling in love with the sight of my daughter playing and laughing and loving her dad, and him loving her back. We had this baby on purpose together and then we completely fell apart but we can never stay apart for long.

He gets on my nerves so bad its not even funny. He lost his job a while back and still hasn't gotten another one yet, he's borderline narcissistic personality disorder, very inconsiderate, he lies about stupid s***. But we have a baby who looks just like the both of us, we have passion for each other so much so that we fall in love with each other over and over again as if it's brand new, when things are good we're good friends, he doesn't have anyone else cause his family is f***** up.

So what should I do? My intuition says run but I can't tell the difference between my intuition and my fears. I am very fearful and untrusting so in my screwed up mind he's all kinds of horrible and so is everybody else who has ever hurt me. I have issues and I can no longer tell when my issues are interfereing with my life. My heart is still but constantly longing for my family to be together. My head is saying stupid. I guess it all boils down to if I can be with him just the way he is today. I know I can't get back together with him hoping that he'll change one day. So what do I do?

Weigh the costs and benefits of rekindling things with him. As hard as it may seem, try reading what you wrote above and look at things objectively. If you were to rekindle things with him, would it be another on and off situation? What convinces you that it will work this time around? Can you accept his ways? The lying? The narcissism?

I think you're more in love with the idea of wanting the ideal family, but do you think he wants the same and is willing to work towards that?

Given what you have said above you know you are deserving of more. He may be a great father to your daughter but that does not necessarily mean he is the best mate for you.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

Only you can decide to stop the cycle. If you keep telling yourself that he's an option then you will keep treating him as such. I realize having a child together does bond you, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to move on.
Reread your original post. You give all the reasons why you shouldn't be with this man and none of those things are just your fears talking. Contrary to popular belief you can control your feelings. You just have to want to.

I understand what you are saying because deep down inside I am a reasonable person most of the time. But is just seems so much more complicated than that. I think I just need to pray and stop relying on my own understanding because it just isn't reliable.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

Weigh the costs and benefits of rekindling things with him. As hard as it may seem, try reading what you wrote above and look at things objectively. If you were to rekindle things with him, would it be another on and off situation? What convinces you that it will work this time around? Can you accept his ways? The lying? The narcissism?

I think you're more in love with the idea of wanting the ideal family, but do you think he wants the same and is willing to work towards that?

Given what you have said above you know you are deserving of more. He may be a great father to your daughter but that does not necessarily mean he is the best mate for you.

I don't know if I can accept or deal with or live with his ways but I was hoping love would be enough to carry us through. But 10 years later I should know by now that love is not enough. It is more of the ideal family that I want than the relationship but it's also the fear that I'll end up with someone who isn't the father of my daughter and will treat her like it. Now he's starting to call me all day and stuff and I don't know what to do.

 

[Rastafarai]

I don't know if I can accept or deal with or live with his ways but I was hoping love would be enough to carry us through. But 10 years later I should know by now that love is not enough. It is more of the ideal family that I want than the relationship but it's also the fear that I'll end up with someone who isn't the father of my daughter and will treat her like it. Now he's starting to call me all day and stuff and I don't know what to do.

We can't tell you what to do but the history speaks for itself. He can only take as much as you give him and he's calling because he expects for you to eventually give in.

It's been 10 years and counting and you are still allowing him to string you along. When will it end once and for all (unless this is what you want for yourself)?

You do not know what the future holds for you and your daughter. There are some wonderful stepfathers out there. Don't react or make decisions out of fear, especially if it hurts you at the end.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

We can't tell you what to do but the history speaks for itself. He can only take as much as you give him and he's calling because he expects for you to eventually give in.

It's been 10 years and counting and you are still allowing him to string you along. When will it end once and for all (unless this is what you want for yourself)?

You do not know what the future holds for you and your daughter. There are some wonderful stepfathers out there. Don't react or make decisions out of fear, especially if it hurts you at the end.

You are so right. He is calling and saying things because he is expecting for me to give in as I always do. I just don't want to do it anymore. THanks for putting things into perspective for me.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

You wrote: . I am very fearful and untrusting so in my screwed up mind he's all kinds of horrible and so is everybody else who has ever hurt me. I have issues and I can no longer tell when my issues are interfereing with my life

I think you need to stop dating ANYONE for a while. Just until you start to challenge your beliefs on some issues. And only then when you're seeing things clearer perhaps reassess. As for this situation ...it is dead...you have beat the horse...the horse isn't even twitching anymore. Walk away fast. Don't waste another ten years. Yes it's up to you and we can't tell you what to do, but I'm hoping that something said in this thread will ring true in your heart. I wish you all the best.

 

[Syrah]

He is a man and a father who needs to be a provider. If he isn't committed to being a provider for you and your daughter, then he's after the physical and emotional goods without commitment, and that's not rockin'...

You and your daughter deserve more than that.

 

[curali]

Run, fast, and find Shirley Murdock's "I love Me Better than That."

Your daughter Deserves a strong, solid mother; not someone who is in "lust."

Don't be offended; face reality and move on.

How can I say these things? Because I have been married to a verbally abusive, selfish,
controlling man for 20 years and now, in this season, God has removed the scales from my eyes and I am moving on as soon as I finish school.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking he'll change; he won't.

You can change and you can be happy!

God bless you and your daughter.

 

[daydreem2876]

Been there, done that, got the tear stained t shirt and I am going to kee it simple for you...

No matter how much you love him, no matter how much he loves is child, no matter how much you child loves the both of you... he will not change. Just because parting ways is what is best you you does not mean you don't love him, it just means that parting ways is what is best for you.

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

I'M ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO TELL A FRIEND TO LEAVE HER MAN IF HE AIN'T ACTING RIGHT BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MYSELF I FORGET THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE TREATED WELL TOO. I DO THIS EVERY TIME WHERE I'M TRYING TO LIE TO MYSELF TO MAKE IT OKAY TO TAKE HIM BACK. I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME. I WANT TO REMAIN FRIENDLY WITH HIM BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REJECT HIM AND STILL KEEP HIS FRIENDSHIP. IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO BE CO-PARENTS WHEN WE ARE GETTING ALONG AND FRIENDLY WITH EACH OTHER. SO I GUESS THAT'S MY NEXT DILEMMA, HOW DO I TELL HIM I DON'T WANT TO TRY AGAIN, THAT I'M NOT CONSIDERING TAKING HIM BACK THIS TIME? I KNOW I HAVE TO TELL HIM BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY TREATING ME LIKE WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AND IT'S MAKING ME UNCOMFORATABLE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE A FAMILY THAT STAYED TOGETHER BUT WHEN I REALLY THINK ABOUT IT I DON'T WANT HIM. I THINK AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE I'M LOOKING FOR A DIFFERENT KIND OF MAN. I FEEL BAD THOUGH.

 

[MD_Lady]

...I guess it all boils down to if I can be with him just the way he is today. I know I can't get back together with him hoping that he'll change one day...

I think you've just answered your own question. IMO, the best thing you can do here is to take your own advice. It probably won't be easy, but don't talk yourself out of doing what you know is best.

 

[Transformer]

You forgot about the third option..

It's not logic, it's love or it's stupidty

 

[Transformer]

"Z"

You have a very well written posts....I think you should trust your instincts. I really do understand about wanting the "ideal" family....and for me....the requirement included a public legal declaration.

But you all having being playing at being a couple for TEN YEARS!

 

[ZLUVSNEWZEE]

THANKS TO ALL YOU LADIES WITH YOUR MEANINGFUL ADVICE.

 

[ThickHair]

I am not trying to be silly, but reading your post it sounds like both of you like drama. If you are sick of the drama then bring it to a end. You have to figure out what you want more. Do you want more drama every 3-4 months or do you want peace of mind? You need to make that decision independently of him. To me it seems like you are holding out for the light to pop on in his head. You should make the light pop on in YOUR head first. We all want to go with our heart but sometimes we really need to use our brain.

He can have a relationship with his daughter without you being there. Good luck SIS.