It's dumb to be mad over Myspace....right?

[Kamilah]

Ok so it's me...)two seconds from breaking my engagement from a few threads down). So, why did I log onto myspace and he took down our pic? I wasn't even a big myspace person, but he was all kinds of offended that I didn't put ours up when we got together. We agreed not to talk for a week last Saturday, and on Monday I changed my status to "rethinking it all" with a stressed out smiley. Mind you, I quit my job on Friday and I was having serious second thoughts MOSTLY about that. I hadn't changed anything else on my profile. So, I logged in maybe Tuesday and he had changed his status to "castles in the sand" with a smiling ninja....like we're in the fifth grade. He seems so much more interested in fighting against me than working things out.

I logged on tonight and he changed his pic back to him and his buddies AND he had added some girls "hi" to his wall. Not to mention that he didn't approve the "hi" I sent him like weeks ago! He only comes on myspace when he's got nothing to do and before this week it had been almost a month so I didn't take it personally until right now.

So my question is.....is it still silly to get upset over his myspace?

 

[tinkat]

I would just let it go. Don't even log into myspace.

 

[Cinda2503]

It seems to me from this thread and the other thread you posted - you and the SO need to do some talking. Some old-fashion communication. You need to lay it all out on the table. You should tell him exactly how you feel about everything without blaming him for anything. You know use the "I feel...." statements instead of "You never...."

If you are not getting what you need and not giving what he needs and 1 or both of you are not willing to work at the relationship with compromise then you should probably move on and go your separate ways.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

ETA: I dont know the history... Yes, you are being silly, IMHO...

How are you getting mad when you are setting yourself up for it, by checking his profile... Like previous poster... yall need to cut off all electronic devices in home/apt/whateva and sit and TALK... erplexed

 

[MD_Lady]

Ok so it's me...)two seconds from breaking my engagement from a few threads down). So, why did I log onto myspace and he took down our pic? I wasn't even a big myspace person, but he was all kinds of offended that I didn't put ours up when we got together. We agreed not to talk for a week last Saturday, and on Monday I changed my status to "rethinking it all" with a stressed out smiley. Mind you, I quit my job on Friday and I was having serious second thoughts MOSTLY about that. I hadn't changed anything else on my profile. So, I logged in maybe Tuesday and he had changed his status to "castles in the sand" with a smiling ninja....like we're in the fifth grade. He seems so much more interested in fighting against me than working things out.

I logged on tonight and he changed his pic back to him and his buddies AND he had added some girls "hi" to his wall. Not to mention that he didn't approve the "hi" I sent him like weeks ago! He only comes on myspace when he's got nothing to do and before this week it had been almost a month so I didn't take it personally until right now.

So my question is.....is it still silly to get upset over his myspace?

Considering (based on your previous thread) your situation and the person you're dealing with, I'd say no. IMO, the information contained on MySpace pages is not lost on him (the reason why he was mad when you didn't put up a picture of the two of you). Again, based on your previous posts, it sounds like he's trying make a point by giving you the e-silent treatment (and your comment about his being more interested in fighting with you than working things out reflects this). As far as how you should respond, just ask yourself, how would you respond if he were doing this in the real world as opposed to the cyber world?

 

[DarkHair]

It seems to me from this thread and the other thread you posted - you and the SO need to do some talking. Some old-fashion communication. You need to lay it all out on the table. You should tell him exactly how you feel about everything without blaming him for anything. You know use the "I feel...." statements instead of "You never...."

If you are not getting what you need and not giving what he needs and 1 or both of you are not willing to work at the relationship with compromise then you should probably move on and go your separate ways.

I agree that it is silly. Communication is vital in any relationship. Please be sure to do the bolded, it doesn't point fingers.

 

[Allandra]

I would just let it go. Don't even log into myspace.

What she said.

 

[Bunny77]

This is why I think that "no-contact breaks" in a relationship, especially an engaged one, are a terrible idea.

I'm talking like a week here, not a day or two.

 

[DayStar]

Kamilah girl make the best decision for you whether you stay or leave...

sometimes men are so childish....they like the whole tit for tat thing...argh

i just went through this with my current SO.....im still on the fence

Make the best decision with a clear head...dont make decisions out of anger

 

[kayte]

Ok so it's me...)two seconds from breaking my engagement from a few threads down). So, why did I log onto myspace and he took down our pic? I wasn't even a big myspace person, but he was all kinds of offended that I didn't put ours up when we got together. We agreed not to talk for a week last Saturday, and on Monday I changed my status to "rethinking it all" with a stressed out smiley. Mind you, I quit my job on Friday and I was having serious second thoughts MOSTLY about that. I hadn't changed anything else on my profile. So, I logged in maybe Tuesday and he had changed his status to "castles in the sand" with a smiling ninja....like we're in the fifth grade. He seems so much more interested in fighting against me than working things out.

I logged on tonight and he changed his pic back to him and his buddies AND he had added some girls "hi" to his wall. Not to mention that he didn't approve the "hi" I sent him like weeks ago! He only comes on myspace when he's got nothing to do and before this week it had been almost a month so I didn't take it personally until right now.

So my question is.....is it still silly to get upset over his myspace?

Some perspective.....
this is what high school students do..and some of them would not even do this...
seriously..... I am not being facetious
it's a statement on the level of maturity of the individuals
this is adolescent/going-through-puberty-behavior

I say this with kindness and sadness
you two actually contemplating a marriage?

take a deeper look though

....like we're in the fifth grade.

indeed,beloved

 

[Kamilah]

I know it's really ridiculous. All of this is. I guess I'm torn because I know that it's never easy (well, only in the very beginning phase when he'll do anything), after that it's really just a matter of who you're willing to stick it out and struggle to make it work with. I only air my grievances with him as it relates to my feelings, but he always finds a way to misconstrue that too.

I'm not angry so much as I am disappointed and exhausted. Tomorrow we will talk, but his ring is already boxed up and ready to go. I'm sending him a letter today that he'll get some time next week. But beyond that, I don't have the time or patience for these kinds of passive-aggressive games. The only thing is that I know it's not just him. That's just normal...and I'm really worried that maybe I no longer have the desire to tolerate it from anyone.

When I think of myself being alone in the future, it bothers me less and less with each day that passes. I guess you can't be afraid to live in the future the way you live in the present. And right now, I'm doing alright. I just wish he was willing to try. Shrug.

kayte...I really appreciate the advice you have given. However, I cannot help but think you are indeed being a bit facetious at times. Simply because I hold different values does not make me a moron. If changing those factors makes it more difficult for you to relate or understand the situation, I totally understand. But please don't try to make it seem like I'm really silly or naive. Everyone has their own path, you know? Yes he is CLEARLY acting like a child, but that's because he's a stubborn man. Not because of the nature of our relationship.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

^^^ I actually started to say the same thing in previous post, but edited so not to come off too harsh... It sounds oh so juvenile...

 

[tiara76]

kayte makes some good points.....I don't think she is trying to offend you, don't take it as a personal attack.....also relationships do take effort, but when people use certain words to describe those efforts as "struggling to make it work" and things along those lines....its more of a fight...with the self and the other person, lots of people have great relationships with each other where they go thru ups and downs without it being a war...to be constantly at odds and frustrated with somebody and sticking it out is not operating from a place of love for anybody.....

alot of men are good for behaving on more immature levels

question..u keep saying he will make a great husband...what are his husband qualities?
on a spiritual, loving level that is....not on how he looks, or how responsible he is with paying bills on time and making sure ya'll stuff is paid for....

 

[kayte]

kayte...I really appreciate the advice you have given. However, I cannot help but think you are indeed being a bit facetious at times. Simply because I hold different values does not make me a moron. If changing those factors makes it more difficult for you to relate or understand the situation, I totally understand. But please don't try to make it seem like I'm really silly or naive. Everyone has their own path, you know? Yes he is CLEARLY acting like a child, but that's because he's a stubborn man. Not because of the nature of our relationship.

Beautiful woman I am not calling you any names.....
and re-read my post I referenced what you said "like we are in the fifth grade"
on some level you know....mature adults do not do this
naiive?...... I'd use the word unrealistic
silly?...........lack of maturity
moron?...this is hurtful to read..let alone type...
but I'd say denial

Clearly his behavior? no never said that...and that by the way is a big part of the issue...
there is a lot of unchecked visceral emotion and actions ... as a means to cope...kids do this... mindless pointless retaliation

adults values employ......discretion....respect....loyalty...self containment...perspective weighing cause and effect...none of which either of you used....no...Kamilah..not my values per se
the values of a couple about to change vows

fidelity
trust
forsaking all others
richer
poorer
better or
worse

I don't think it means myspace referees an engagement
not facetious ...at all....tired and sad....
I do think growing is a life long process and it does involve growing up
even if they do not occur at the same time
but...because things got shaken up does not mean
it can't turn around.....
I hope it does

hugs

 

[blkbeauty]

kayte makes some good points.....I don't think she is trying to offend you, don't take it as a personal attack

alot of men are good for behaving on more immature levels

question..u keep saying he will make a great husband...what are his husband qualities?
on a spiritual, loving level that is....not on how he looks, or how responsible he is with paying bills on time and making sure ya'll stuff is paid for....

I agree with the following, especially not only accepting but KNOWING his "good man" traits. Its deeper than just being responsible.

 

[blkbeauty]

Hi K,

I think your situation is classic. Trust me I have stories just like yours that would make you laugh, cry, pissed, excited and etc. We broke up countless of times got right back together the next day only to break up again. The cycle continued for years. Unfortunately, I did not know exactly how to handle my situation until it was finally over.

When dealing with some people who have passive-aggressiveness, the best way is to speak to them directly, assertively without being too emotional. If I were you I would confront him and ask him what is the real deal. I would not send him a letter. I would not text him. I would not go off on him, but I would call him up and tell him that you need to speak face to face with him. Be frank! After being engaged to him. He owes you atleast that much.

PM me and let me know how it goes.

 

[Kamilah]

He had all the traits I wanted in a husband. Aside from being responsible, well educated, and good looking he also showed a level of commitment that is rare to find. That is what made me love him. His desire to show me not only how much he loved me but how much he was willing to make it work. He wasnt all talk. When I was upset, he would listen and show me with his actions. So now that he's acting a monkeys brother, I know this is all intentional too. When he has his "nice" hat on, he is thoughtful and kind and considerate,but sometimes he slips up. I tried not to be a nag, and I only mentioned things when they were really important to me, as opposed to all the small things. He wasn't controlling or anything, but he was very protective and liked to do things for me. He was so enamored with me, he would look at me like I was the last woman on Earth.
But this was all secondary to his desire to do what it takes for us to be together. I know that marriage is a lifelong commitment to working it out, one day at a time and to me, it's all about finding that person who will commit to it as much as you will. I saw that in him. And I also feel like I am seeing that fade away. He is acting childish and almost hateful towards me. I don't deserve this from him. I certainly don't think we communicate love and appreciation in the same way, but if he wasn't even able to recognize my efforts at it (as he says I don't of him) and he isn't willing to try. What is there to do? I'm not 12, I will not wage a myspace war with him.

If a man's love for a woman deteriorates, nothing can be done to restore it. A woman can fall in love again and again with the right man. So, if he is acting out because he no longer wants to be with me, then I have to let him go. I refuse to love enough for the two of us.

 

[redbone_412]

My boyfriend does not have Myspace, Facebook, etc. So he assumes everyone is on there to meet people, sleep w/them, etc (obviously thats what his friends do). Anyhoo....if it came down to our situation/relationship being affected by it...I'd delete it in a heartbeat b/c he is more important to me than a darn website.

With that being said, IF you decide to work it out....DELETE your pages...its not that serious to have a myspace page if you have to go through this. Its seems like you love him and he loves you. I also think its something you guys could def work out. So try to talk

I wish you much success

 

[sky_blu]

Geez! Why is everyone breaking up over Myspace and the like. Work it out.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

I'm praying for you babes....relationships are hard, marriage is harder. Kayte made some really good points, and all I can do along with co-signing with what she said is to reiterate the importance of HONEST, NO HOLDS BARRED COMMUNICATION.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

He had all the traits I wanted in a husband. Aside from being responsible, well educated, and good looking he also showed a level of commitment that is rare to find. That is what made me love him. His desire to show me not only how much he loved me but how much he was willing to make it work. He wasnt all talk. When I was upset, he would listen and show me with his actions. So now that he's acting a monkeys brother, I know this is all intentional too. When he has his "nice" hat on, he is thoughtful and kind and considerate,but sometimes he slips up. I tried not to be a nag, and I only mentioned things when they were really important to me, as opposed to all the small things. He wasn't controlling or anything, but he was very protective and liked to do things for me. He was so enamored with me, he would look at me like I was the last woman on Earth.
But this was all secondary to his desire to do what it takes for us to be together. I know that marriage is a lifelong commitment to working it out, one day at a time and to me, it's all about finding that person who will commit to it as much as you will. I saw that in him. And I also feel like I am seeing that fade away. He is acting childish and almost hateful towards me. I don't deserve this from him. I certainly don't think we communicate love and appreciation in the same way, but if he wasn't even able to recognize my efforts at it (as he says I don't of him) and he isn't willing to try. What is there to do? I'm not 12, I will not wage a myspace war with him.

If a man's love for a woman deteriorates, nothing can be done to restore it. A woman can fall in love again and again with the right man. So, if he is acting out because he no longer wants to be with me, then I have to let him go. I refuse to love enough for the two of us.

Based on what you said upthread, I don't understand why you're saying his actions are hateful or why you're saying he's not willing to try when he said he wanted to go to counseling. That's saying a lot IMO b/c if he was really as unwilling or lazy as you say he is, he wouldn't be agreeing to that.

Is there more that he's done that's making you feel that way?

 

[drasgrl]

How old are you? I guess I can sort of understand why you're upset but uh it's MySpace. When I think of MySpace I think of giggly 14 year olds not adults who are about to be married getting upset over some pictures. I know adults use it but it just doesn't make sense to me as an adult to spend a lot of time there.

Not trying to insult you because I have a MySpace page myself. (just used it for business promotion). If it really upsets you just stop going to his page.