Is your Marriage/Relationship Dying?

[Farida]

My freshman yr of undergrad college I took a course called marriage and the family. Now, one of the things we discussed is what's called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Now ladies, take a good look at your relationships and make sure you and S.O. aren't doing these things because it is a sure path to the end of your relationship.

1. Criticism not Complaints
When you/he does something wrong, do you/he criticize the other person rather than complain? To complain is to explain how something made you feel while to criticize is to attack the person rather than the behavior.

complaint: is to say: "Honey, you hurt my feelings when you forgot my birthday. It really meant a lot to me.
criticism: You are so selfish. You never remember anything and you don't care about me.

2. Contempt
This is basically being rude, ridiculing, name-calling, eye-rolling, hitting below the belt and just basically aiming to hurt, discourage and disparage your S.O.
example: You are such a horrible, sissy, **** of a man.

3. Defensiveness.
You don't answer questions, you defend yourself even before you are attacked.
example: Honey, I was so worried that you got home so late. What held you up? Answer: You always think I have nothing better to do then get home late? Do you think I'm cheating on you? What's your problem?

4. Stonewalling
You shut the other partner out. You stop trying.
examples: you don't talk, you keep yourself busy, you avoid confrontation you basically turn into roommates if you're married and acquaintances if you're dating.

So, watch for these ladies. Any other marriage/relationship-killers? I'm not talking affairs, debt etc. I'm talking about how we handle conflict or relate to each other as a couple.

 

[Aveena]

check
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All four are in my relationship erplexed

 

[JFemme]

My freshman yr of undergrad college I took a course called marriage and the family. Now, one of the things we discussed is what's called the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Now ladies, take a good look at your relationships and make sure you and S.O. aren't doing these things because it is a sure path to the end of your relationship.

1. Criticism not Complaints
When you/he does something wrong, do you/he criticize the other person rather than complain? To complain is to explain how something made you feel while to criticize is to attack the person rather than the behavior.

complaint: is to say: "Honey, you hurt my feelings when you forgot my birthday. It really meant a lot to me.
criticism: You are so selfish. You never remember anything and you don't care about me.

2. Contempt
This is basically being rude, ridiculing, name-calling, eye-rolling, hitting below the belt and just basically aiming to hurt, discourage and disparage your S.O.
example: You are such a horrible, sissy, **** of a man.

3. Defensiveness.
You don't answer questions, you defend yourself even before you are attacked.
example: Honey, I was so worried that you got home so late. What held you up? Answer: You always think I have nothing better to do then get home late? Do you think I'm cheating on you? What's your problem?

4. Stonewalling
You shut the other partner out. You stop trying.
examples: you don't talk, you keep yourself busy, you avoid confrontation you basically turn into roommates if you're married and acquaintances if you're dating.

So, watch for these ladies. Any other marriage/relationship-killers? I'm not talking affairs, debt etc. I'm talking about how we handle conflict or relate to each other as a couple.

Sounds like Gottman's research... I, too sat in many a-course that referenced his work...... (thanks for posting)... I'm sure this will be helpful to many...

Very intriguing, to say the least....

Personally, I can attest to his assertions...

http://www.gottman.com/

Videos on google...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...=35&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

 

[Farida]

Thanks JFemme.

I was trying to remember the guy's name and I just couldn't for the life of me.

Fran - I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe the two of you can see if you can learn healthier fighting/communicating skills or maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship overall.

 

[lexi08]

Mine is dying probably dead already

 

[Lindy]

This is sad when you read it, but I feel that unfortunately, all these things inevitably happen in many, if not all relationships.

I'm beginning to believe that I really am better off flying solo...

 

[lexi08]

This is sad when you read it, but I feel that unfortunately, all these things inevitably happen in many, if not all relationships.

I'm beginning to believe that I really am better off flying solo...

I am beginning to believe this too.....

 

[Aveena]

me three...


thx Viv, we're trying, *sigh

 

[JFemme]

Gottman also has a relatively new book out titled...The Seven Principals For Making a Marriage Work...
------------------------------

After decades of studying both successful and splitting married couples, John Gottman has distilled his findings into basic precepts for success, explaining how and why they work. Rejecting traditional assumptions about the things that make a marriage work, Gottman cites "emotional intelligence" as the bedrock of marital success. He turns his empirical findings into practical, specific advice for those in search of a long-term, close partnership. He offers plenty of quizzes and questionnaires to help determine the chances of making a relationship lasting and satisfying, and he details a concrete, seven-point plan for enhancing these odds. Filled with humor and written in a highly accessible, friendly style, this guide will show couples the way to beat the divorce statistics and strive toward optimal success in making their marriages emotionally fruitful...

http://www.alibris.com/search/searc...814&page=1&matches=58&qsort=r&browse=1&full=1

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...l=3&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

{{hugs, Fran}} Hang in....

 

[tyrablu]

Stonewalling
You shut the other partner out. You stop trying.
examples: you don't talk, you keep yourself busy, you avoid confrontation you basically turn into roommates if you're married and acquaintances if you're dating.

This one was the killer of my relationship. I think I am better off by myself also.

 

[Farida]

JFemme I'll check that book out.

Is Gotman the one who had the love lab? Did you ever see the love lab, where they'd study couples and predict who'd get divorced and then check backk like 3 yrs after?

 

[Evolving78]

check
check
check
check

All four are in my relationship erplexed

I thought I was the only one.

 

[Evolving78]

I going to leave my marriage in God's hands and work on how I can communicate better and be more respectful in my relationship. I'm tired of fighting and trying to make someone see things my way be arguing them down or hitting below the belt to make them see my point. I'm also learning that changes will not happen over night in my relationship either, but I'm willing to try. It is whatever God wants me to do. I have left Him out of my marriage and now I'm going to make Him apart of it, by making Him apart of me first.

 

[Lindy]

I think it is so ironic that when we are single, we spend so much time and energy in trying to get a man, or wondering when/if we will ever meet a man, and then when we do, inevitably after time marches on and we start getting comfortable, we end up in these types of situations where we argue with, berate, or ignore each other...

It's like a Catch 22... we aren't happy single, and we aren't happy in a relationship...

Something's gotta give...

 

[audacious1]

I hope everything works out as it should for you ladies dealing with this.

 

[Aveena]

Gottman also has a relatively new book out titled...The Seven Principals For Making a Marriage Work...
------------------------------

After decades of studying both successful and splitting married couples, John Gottman has distilled his findings into basic precepts for success, explaining how and why they work. Rejecting traditional assumptions about the things that make a marriage work, Gottman cites "emotional intelligence" as the bedrock of marital success. He turns his empirical findings into practical, specific advice for those in search of a long-term, close partnership. He offers plenty of quizzes and questionnaires to help determine the chances of making a relationship lasting and satisfying, and he details a concrete, seven-point plan for enhancing these odds. Filled with humor and written in a highly accessible, friendly style, this guide will show couples the way to beat the divorce statistics and strive toward optimal success in making their marriages emotionally fruitful...

http://www.alibris.com/search/searc...814&page=1&matches=58&qsort=r&browse=1&full=1

http://video.google.com/videoplay?d...l=3&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

{{hugs, Fran}} Hang in....

Thanks Jfemme, I'm just now seeing this

 

[harrison]

I think it is so ironic that when we are single, we spend so much time and energy in trying to get a man, or wondering when/if we will ever meet a man, and then when we do, inevitably after time marches on and we start getting comfortable, we end up in these types of situations where we argue with, berate, or ignore each other...

It's like a Catch 22... we aren't happy single, and we aren't happy in a relationship...

Something's gotta give...

WOW LINDY... you so hit this on the head. I find myself thinking about this situation often. I remember the relationship I was in before I met my husband. It was HORRIBLE. My husband was like a drink of water after walking through the desert. He refreshed me.. and nursed me back to health!!!!

Sometimes though, I'm not the most patient with him, as he is and always has been with me. But what happens is that over the years, you become complacent.

You forget....

-the many nights you cried, and wished God would send you your soul mate... or at the very least someone who loved you for you and gave you the much needed respect you deserved.
-how much you so appreciated this person being brought into your life at the time he arrived, saving you from the scraps you were dealing with prior.
*wipes small tear from corner of eye* *sighs*

Relationships are work. From both sides. Each of you have to do your part to keep it satisfying and fresh.

Plus... You have to remember the circumstances that brought you together and what makes(made) this person sooooo special in your eyes.

*making a mental note to make anniversary plans for next month*

 

[Farida]

I think the problem most of us have, is that we don't know how to communicate or fight fair. We have to learn how to do it.
All the communication/fights we had in the past were with parents or siblings or friends. SO's are a different dynamic.

We don't realize it but we have to grow and change a lot in relationships. We can't carry on the same patterns we had as single women.

I do think these are some reasons why people who by all means seemed great couples and are in love grow apart or end up divorced.

 

[Aveena]

I think the problem most of us have, is that we don't know how to communicate or fight fair. We have to learn how to do it.
All the communication/fights we had in the past were with parents or siblings or friends. SO's are a different dynamic.

We don't realize it but we have to grow and change a lot in relationships. We can't carry on the same patterns we had as single women.

I do think these are some reasons why people who by all means seemed great couples and are in love grow apart or end up divorced.

So true! We can all pick up a book and learn what to do but it's the how that is the hard part. We all bring different emotional issues with us and many of us learn to communicate disagree the proper way after the loss of a significant relationship.

I'm not married but I know that my SO is unique and the problems I have with him I can easily have with another man... it's not him *sigh so I educate myself on what things to do.... and work on myself to execute them so we both can be happy.

 

[kweenameena]

I went and bought the book by Gottman. It had really good reviews on Amazon. So I'll be back with a review soon. Hopefully I can continue to work on things while mine is in Iraq. Be grateful that you all have yours at home with you at night.

 

[londontresses]

Any reviews of this book?

I too checked all 4 of the original points....

I went and bought the book by Gottman. It had really good reviews on Amazon. So I'll be back with a review soon. Hopefully I can continue to work on things while mine is in Iraq. Be grateful that you all have yours at home with you at night.

 

[jellynote]

I going to leave my marriage in God's hands and work on how I can communicate better and be more respectful in my relationship. I'm tired of fighting and trying to make someone see things my way be arguing them down or hitting below the belt to make them see my point. I'm also learning that changes will not happen over night in my relationship either, but I'm willing to try. It is whatever God wants me to do. I have left Him out of my marriage and now I'm going to make Him apart of it, by making Him apart of me first.

That's where I am @ in my marriage as well. I left it in Gods capable hands. I can relate when it came to talking to my husband.