Is this unforgivable? Or is it just a bump in the road?

UrbainChic

UrbainChic

Well-Known Member
I normally dont post my own business here but today I figured I will ask for advice from you ladies... I've been out of the relationship loop for so ling I feel like I need some more opinions on this. Its kind of long but oh well.

So I have a new SO and I think he is kind, cosiderate, polite and fun etc. We've been seeing each other for about 2 months now, and things are looking very good. We both moved to a new city around the same time and found each other a few months after moving. We've been exploring the city together and making new friends both together and separately, so things are developing well but not codependently. My only complaint is that I'm a chronic texter and he is not, which is not a real complaint.

But now this happens:
There were no solid plans about new years, a few ideas came up here and there about whats good on new years in this city but we never really discussed plans on going together. I assumed that if he is calling me his girlfriend that we have plans together on new year's. Yesterday, since nothing was really set in stone and we hadn't talked about it, I sent him a message about him being my new years date and which event did he want to go to. To which he responded:

"i dont know, i dont want it to be weird because my guy friends are coming down. i dont want to be the only one with a date."

:look: :angry2:

So i responded:

"Well I definitely dont want to make you feel awkward around your friends so dont worry about me. Im disapointed because I thought it'd be fun to spend new years with you but I know I'll have fun either way. Have fun with your friends."

I was pissed off, but I didnt want to fight about it and it made me not want to spend new years with him anyway if it was going to be like that. To me thats an incredibly immature thing to care about and New Year's is for everybody. Its a "the more the merrier" holiday not a bro's night out. Its the kind of holiday you spend with someone you call your girlfriend!!!!

The other thing that bothers me is one minute he's complaining all his friends are settling down now and he feels like he needs to as well, the next thing i hear is he doesnt want to be the only one with a girl? Wtf. What do YOU want dude?!


Part of me is wondering if since we didnt really talk about it he thought I already had plans or something and I theoretically have no problem with him spending it with a bunch of his bros ( i would probably naturally excuse myself from that anyhow unless he insisted) I mean initially thought his friends would be coming with their fiancees girlfriends etc. so I dont even know if these are single dudes or if its really just a dudes only night. What really offended me though was just the whole "i dont want to make it weird" comment. It makes me feel as though he is hiding me from his friends or that he thinks I am going to be policing and no fun or something. I know deep down inside, he didnt mean it that way but it still hurt my feelings! I feel like it shows i am not a priority to him! Its not the concept of spending NYE with his boys that bothers me its the delivery.

Then to make things confusing, i go looking for sympathy from my guy friend and though he could see why i was upset, he told me he did something similar ( in my opinion worse) to his last girlfriend when they had been together for only a month or so. He threw a huge party but didnt invite her because he didnt want to introduce her to his friends in an "impersonal party atmosphere". She found out he had the party and was (rightly) offended. Somehow they stayed together for years! Not only that he said my message back to him did not read as upset as I sound to him.

I've made other new year's plans, in NYC so I will be leaving for the weekend. I don't know what to do at this point though, do i reach out to him and hash it out or do I wait for him to contact me? Its been less than 24 hours but I am torn on what to do. I do think a large part of it was miscommunication and assumptions on both our parts, but I dont want to be a doormat. I'm less upset now, mostly because i know there was a lot of assuming going on ( even if the assumption is what i think is normal) but since I'm the one upset is it on me to contact him? Or should i just wait for him to apologize? I'm not even sure i expressed myself in a way he understands that I'm upset and if so about what. I dont want this unfinished confusion before i leave.
 
I don't know that the New Year's Eve thing in itself is that big a deal... for some guys two months is not that long an amount of time to be planning everything around your relationship. On the other hand, the cynic in me says the whole bros hanging out together no chicks thing is because they are planning to go out and pick up girls... I don't want to view it that way since you said you guys are exclusive and I don't want to cast unfounded aspersions on his character... but that would be what I would think if I were in that situation. Apart from that, separate New Year's Eve plans in itself I think is forgivable.

However, THIS

The other thing that bothers me is one minute he's complaining all his friends are settling down now and he feels like he needs to as well, the next thing i hear is he doesnt want to be the only one with a girl? Wtf. What do YOU want dude?!
Click to expand...

is worrisome... I feel like there is no way a guy would say that to a woman he is really trying to be with. It sounds passive aggressive and like he hopes you get the hint so that when he does up and do something he'll be like "well I told you I didn't want to only be with one girl..."

I don't know sis, those are a couple of red flags I don't think you should ignore. If it were me I would probably still see him but start seeing other men casually on the side just based on the way those two things seem to be blowing. That or have a serious ultimatum-y defining boundaries sort of conversation because to me they seem a bit blurred... like you guys are working off assumptions rather than communicating.
 
meesch

I totally hear you on the assumptions vs communications thing, which is why i just want to call him and clear it up. I agree, its not that long to be planning all our activities around each other so, like i said its more the delivery than the actual spending NYE with his guy friends,

re: the quoted, i dont know if you misread or if I am misunderstanding. I said he didnt want to be "the only one with a girl" not that he doesnt want to be "only with one girl". I was referencing his statement of not wanting to be the only one with a date. He has been pretty clear about being exclusive.

What bothers me most about the whole thing is its such an immature follower thing to want a girl when all your friends have one and to want none when your friends dont have one. Unless I am reading to much into that one statement.

I just don't want to be the fool, thinking its more a miscommunication issue when I should be seeing disrespect.
 
maybe i am reading too much into that one statement about one night. I just naturally take note when people contradict themselves.
 
I kinda feel like you should get over it. I know that sounds insensitive but ya'll are just getting to know one another. I could see if ya'll have been dating for 6 months or more, and he is "officially" calling you his girlfriend. Is it official yet or not? (couldn't tell exactly from your post). You say he is kind and considerate. Not only would he, at that stage, be more likely to invest in spending new years with you but would be more inclined to bring you around to meet his friends as well regardless if they are single friends/bringing their girlfriends or whatever. He probably feels like its too soon to be doing that and may just want to see his boys solo. Doesn't have to mean he is ashamed of you at all.

It sounds like miscommunication on both ends, like you said. If you really wanted to spend new years eve with him you should have voiced this to him early on and not just assume that he would feel the same as you. This is something I have learned in the 5 years that I have known my hubby. Never assume he knows what you want or how you feel. You have to tell him. To you, "spending new years with the boo" has become a big deal and you feel that he should feel the same way. He doesn't feel that way. Doesn't make you or him wrong, just different. Doesn't mean he isn't feeling you, he very well may be feeling you alot. Who knows, he could be getting a little scared by it lol.

You did the right thing by expressing your dissapointment to him. The ball seems to be in his court now. Don't tell him to have a good time with his friends and then hold a mini grudge against him for it lol. Just see how things go after new years...thats the key...when there are know balls dropping, cheering, fireworks going off, tipsy feelings lol...thats when you can decide whether or not he's a keeper.
 
re: the quoted, i dont know if you misread or if I am misunderstanding. I said he didnt want to be "the only one with a girl" not that he doesnt want to be "only with one girl".
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Ah, ok. I did misread and I'm glad bc I was like WUT? Who would say that :lol:

I don't know if I'm gonna be opening a huge can of worms here but since I do actually have some thoughts on the matter :lol: I'ma go ahead and do it anyway. I have done a lot of thinking about the whole issue of "disrespect," FOR ME as a black woman in particular, and I feel like a lot of the time we - well, let me speak only for myself - give that concept too much weight. I mean, obviously you don't want a man to disrespect you, but I wonder if at some point we are reading too much into every perceived slight because we are so sensitive about being disrespected. Part of that is because we all judge each other so harshly and are afraid of being accused of "settling" for anything that's not above board...

For me, it made me overly critical and I didn't think that was good. It made me harsh and probably overbearing and I just felt like I recognized I was taking one thing and giving it free rein into a lot of areas where it didn't belong. So I have made a conscious effort to try not to view everything within the lens of whether or not it could be interpreted as disrespectful.

The guy I'm dating now we are not spending New Year's together because he has to work both days, and he is planning to spend some of the little time he has with his family (they are a close knit family). But, we did talk about whether or not we would, and at this point if he would be able to get some time off we still might get together, but I'm not counting on it - and what matters is that, you know, it did come up and we discussed it. However, I do think that if he had wanted to spend it with some friends I wouldn't have minded that much, it would have just put me in the frame of mind that I want to go out and have fun with friends too. But, a.) I don't think he would have told me I couldn't come along if I wanted to and b.) since we have a small distance issue going on it would make more sense for us to have things apart when it gets too inconvenient.

I mean, your situation would definitely rub me the wrong way but I don't think it's in any way unforgivable. Just keep an eye on things.
 
I don't think it's unforgivable, but it is odd. I guess I can't think of any guy I know that would rather spend new years with his guy friends than with his SO. It's one thing if he had made plans in advance that could not possibly include you (e.g. he's in another city), but that doesn't sound like the case here.

I'm a little sensitive, but if it were me, I would read this as he is less committed to the relationship than I am and act accordingly. I think it's good that you're going to another city for the weekend. I also think meesch is right and you should continue to see other guys casually.
 
I agree with Crystal22. And I would add to that, you need to get on the phone and talk to your boo instead of texting him about things that are important to you. After you clear your head, either sit down and talk to him face to face or call him and talk about some things. You cannot effectively communicate over text messages. You will be disappointed more often than you want.
 
I would keep him wondering where I might be, and what Im up too..

Story ova...

Hope yall work it out, hon.. :)
 
It does seem strange to me. My SO and I had only been together for 2 months on our first New Years' and he invited me to his sister's party like it was nothing. Everyone is different though. It's too bad you guys didn't get to discuss what you'd be doing earlier, before any concrete plans were made. I think you should just ask him if all of the guy friends he is meeting are single, because he made it sound like he was the last single one and you're just wondering. Obviously you have plans to be in NYC now and you're not trying to come with him, you just want to leave things on a good note with no confusion and hopefully he will understand that.
 
My SO and I had only been together for 2 months on our first New Years' and he invited me to his sister's party like it was nothing.
Click to expand...

On the flip side of that, last year for New Year's I had been seeing this guy casually - super casually, we had probably like only kissed one time and I was not encouraging any physical intimacy - and he invited me over for New Year's to a "party" which would have been just me, him, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend.

I was looking at this junk like fool I am not your girlfriend hell no I'm not showing up to that intimate @ss new year's eve :lol:
 
UrbainChic said:
But now this happens:
There were no solid plans about new years, a few ideas came up here and there about whats good on new years in this city but we never really discussed plans on going together. I assumed that if he is calling me his girlfriend that we have plans together on new year's. Yesterday, since nothing was really set in stone and we hadn't talked about it, I sent him a message about him being my new years date and which event did he want to go to. To which he responded:

"i dont know, i dont want it to be weird because my guy friends are coming down. i dont want to be the only one with a date."
:look: :angry2:

So i responded:

"Well I definitely dont want to make you feel awkward around your friends so dont worry about me. Im disapointed because I thought it'd be fun to spend new years with you but I know I'll have fun either way. Have fun with your friends."

I was pissed off, but I didnt want to fight about it and it made me not want to spend new years with him anyway if it was going to be like that.
Click to expand...


Watch him, this may be a sign that novelty is wearing off. Watch his actions, not his words. TBH i just went through this and it was a CLEAR sign our relationship was DONE. He may be telling you who he would rather be with, listen. Either way, we will support you.:yep:
 
Thanks ladies.

Exactly like meesch said, theres all this pressure to "not be disrespected" esp. as a black woman, and these things can really get to your head. Do you know how many times this season I have read FB statuses proclaiming that if you don't spend christmas or NYE with your boo you are the side chick??? I know in my heart its not that black and white but after a while this stuff gets to you like "am I the fool here?"

I don't think he means anything by it, and I'm glad to hear its not crazy or doormat like to just want to talk it out.

Crystal22 your post really made a lot of sense to me. And honestly I was really more mad about it when I read the message, so no it wasn't insensitive to tell me to get over it. I do realize though that we need to communicate better. And I do want him to have fun, I definitely wont resent him. I think its more the delivery, and the miscommunication that had me upset.

I also should probably stop overanalyzing everything he says. :nono:
 
meesch said:
On the flip side of that, last year for New Year's I had been seeing this guy casually - super casually, we had probably like only kissed one time and I was not encouraging any physical intimacy - and he invited me over for New Year's to a "party" which would have been just me, him, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend.

I was looking at this junk like fool I am not your girlfriend hell no I'm not showing up to that intimate @ss new year's eve :lol:
Click to expand...

:lachen::lachen:

That would be me too.
 
Eh, it's only been 2 months. Sure, I'd be annoyed and my feelings would be hurt, but I'd get over it.

I remember, back on the 4th of July, this guy was hanging out with a bunch of male friends and a few of us girls were there. His friend asked: how come you didn't bring your girl?
He said: well, we've only been together a short time, so I thought it was too soon...

By the end of the 3 day weekend, he was lamenting at how he misses her:lol: I thought that was cute.

I would spend NYE with friends and have a BLAST, and I'd wait for that fool to text me talking about he misses me, wishes I were there, etc. (that's what I'd hope would happen, and that's what used to happen when my ex and I spent time apart).

When I would come back from the break, I'd talk about how happy I am that I went out with my friends and just how AMAZING of a time I had.

It's just a bump in the road, but there'd be a lesson learned from it.
 
meesch said:
I have done a lot of thinking about the whole issue of "disrespect," FOR ME as a black woman in particular, and I feel like a lot of the time we - well, let me speak only for myself - give that concept too much weight. I mean, obviously you don't want a man to disrespect you, but I wonder if at some point we are reading too much into every perceived slight because we are so sensitive about being disrespected. Part of that is because we all judge each other so harshly and are afraid of being accused of "settling" for anything that's not above board...

For me, it made me overly critical and I didn't think that was good. It made me harsh and probably overbearing and I just felt like I recognized I was taking one thing and giving it free rein into a lot of areas where it didn't belong. So I have made a conscious effort to try not to view everything within the lens of whether or not it could be interpreted as disrespectful.
Click to expand...

:yep::yep::yep: 2 snaps, meesch.
Same here. It's funny when I talk to people in long-term, seemingly happy relationships, they forgive each other lots of little transgressions. I remember I was so upset with the gift a guy gave me when we first started dating. I mentioned it to a girl who'd been with her bf for years (now engaged), and she was like: you know what he gave me for Christmas after years of dating? a DVD.
She simply talked to him calmly about it, and he was informed that next time she'd prefer something more thoughtful.
I, on the other hand, was making a huuuge stink, thinking he's disrespecting me, etc. etc. I've learned to chill the heck out about some things.
 
Sounds to me that he just wants a night out with the boys...it would be kind of awkward with you there and all of his boys, especially if you don't really know them.
I would just make sure he knew that I had a blast at my NYE event...not thinking about him! :lol:
 
It sounds like some miscommunication aka just a bump in the road. I don't think its a red flag sort of situation.

I understand why you're upset, I've been in similar situations before. But at the end of the day, you made plans, you're gonna have fun regardless so its all good. Honestly, I kinda agree with him, if its a boys nite out, it would be weird if he brought his girl there. Yeah, it helps that you're cool, but you're still the girlfriend and a certain amount of respect would need to be paid to you. It would just be different :lol:.

I would probably give him a little bit of a hard time about it.... probably slip some really passive aggressive jokes in (cuz that's just how I am :lol:) but I wouldn't raise a big stink about it. Y'all are only two months in... but it sounds like you like each other a lot. Think about it, if you're going for the long haul, there will be a lot more of these "bumps". you gotta pick your battles.

Holidays can be tricky in general... all across the board. This time its whether you're gonna spend holidays with each other, next time its gonna be which in-laws holiday dinner you're going to attend. Just messy messy messy :lol:
 
It show you how much he thinks of you at this point in your relationship. You're either fine with it or you aren't. Whatever you decide, just make sure you have a heck of New Years and dont check that phone once :look:
 
2 months isn't that long. It's not unreasonable IMO that he'd want to spend NYE apart. But every relationship is different. What bothers me is his inconsistency. First he says he doesn't want to be the only one with a girlfriend, then later says he feels pressure to settle down because his friends are.:ohwell: Dude what is it? Can't be both.:perplexed It's disturbing not only because it shows he may not be as invested in the relationship as you are but he's caught up in what his peers are doing rather than having a mind of his own. I would have a real heart-to-heart with about this. But other than that you're going about it the right way. You've made other plans and I co-sign with other ladies, not a bad idea to see other guys casually.
 
You said you guys moved to your city recently. It could be that his friends and he planned this trip a long time ago, before you were into the picture, or before you two became official.

I wouldn't worry about it. This, to me, isn't a red flag... and if there is something you don't know that you absolutely must know, it will come out in due time.

I'd just say, whether it's only 2 months, or 15 months in, don't lose touch with your friends or family. Better to spend a holiday like that with people you know really well and who love you. This guy fits neither bill, as it's only been 2 months, and that's okay, for now.

I personally wouldn't put any strain on such a new relationship over something as small as that. Valentine's Day is around the corner. See how what he does then.
 
It's a red flag to me because I am a jealous girlfriend :evilbanana: :lol: not a dealbreaker or anything just something I would continue to be on the lookout for.
 
I don't really see time as a factor. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing but he is definitely showing you his personality. Take note and apply in any way that you feel necessary.
 
OP, you need to stop the chronic texting ASAP. Text only for quick updates, not for anything intimate or for planning or for hashing things out. I think that is your biggest issue. My feelings would have been hurt too as I would have assumed he would be my date too. And to find out on such short notice is not nice. I would let the new year's thing go and start fresh. See how things go in the new year minus all that texting. I think you will quickly see where things stand between you two, especially with Valentine's Day being right around the corner. If he goes out of town or makes other plans for Valentine's Day then you will surely have your answer. I have a feeling though that he is not as serious about you as you are about him. I hope I'm wrong. Time will tell.
 
He's calling you his girlfriend but he wants to spend NYE with his boys?? NYE is a couples "holiday" if you're booed up. This is a red flag, but do you.
 
I don't know. At the end of the day these men are going to be where they want to be. Let him have his night with the fellas and you plan something with your girls.
 
Op, the ladies have given you great advice. I think this is a young relationship and he doesn't want to introduce you to his boys just yet. With that said it doesn't mean he doesn't care for you. It sounds as if once you guys met you did everything together,that is not wise.in the upcoming year explore your city and make new friends. Don't put all your eggs in one basket whether your relationship strengthens or becomes casual.
 
I would probably be a bit hurt by it. I don't know if I would stay or go though. Whats fortunate is that, if you're unsure of what you want to do right now, you will def know what's up by Valentine's day. lol
 
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