Is this settling??

[Kiadodie]

I have a couple of friends that did online dating. They are dating and they told me that they weren't attracted to the guy but chose to like his good qualities instead of focusing on the bad. Is that settling? I just want to know because I just can't seem to do it and I wonder if I am too picky or wrong in that way. One of my friends said when she first met the guy she was "bored and was like ewwww". THEN she decided to focus on his good side. Is this what you are supposed to do?? I just feel like what is wrong with me that I can't seem to get past someone's looks . Please no judgement.

 

[SimplyBlessed]

I think attraction is important it's not the only thing that matters but I like to look at my man and be ready to jump on it when I see him lol

If u can date someone ur not attracted to more power to u...

Now there are other things that matter like personality, beliefs, goals and so on but for some ppl that's more of an attraction than looks

 

[Kiadodie]

I think attraction is important it's not the only thing that matters but I like to look at my man and be ready to jump on it when I see him lol

If u can date someone ur not attracted to more power to u...

Now there are other things that matter like personality, beliefs, goals and so on but for some ppl that's more of an attraction than looks

Thank you for this! Sometimes I think, what is wrong with me. erplexed Thing is with online dating looks is really all you have to go on at first.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

Thank you for this! Sometimes I think, what is wrong with me. erplexed Thing is with online dating looks is really all you have to go on at first.

It really depends on what you are looking for. I met my husband on match.com and he did not have a photo up. He turned out to be a handsome Physician and he is very fit. We exchanged emails and telephone calls. I did not see what he looked like until the first date. He offered to send a photo, but I declined. I am not sure why, I think I was experimenting.

His looks turned out to be a bonus- icing on an already delicious pound cake.


While on match, I only chose men who contacted me and had graduate degrees and who were not big sports fans and not extremely religious. It's a good idea to select men base on their hobbies and interests. I think it's settling to go for looks in a man when men are made to protect an provide . Women are the ones who are beautiful.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

I think attraction is important it's not the only thing that matters but I like to look at my man and be ready to jump on it when I see him lol If u can date someone ur not attracted to more power to u... Now there are other things that matter like personality, beliefs, goals and so on but for some ppl that's more of an attraction than looks

Actually, if my man lost his looks today I would want to jump him when I see him. He's so good to me.

Attraction is funny, I've lost it for a handsome jerk and found it developing for the plain man who was kind and generous.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I think if half of these celebrities that women lust after wouldn't have gotten much play on a dating site. Interesting how many of them say no one was checking for them before.

Inner attractiveness, sex appeal and confidence are power ful to me.

Generally I want the man (needs to be a good man obviously) that I have the most spark with and the one I find most attractive. That's not always the best looking. I am fine to settle on a physical thing somewhat as long as I'm attracted to them. I aint going out with someone I find ugly and unnatractive though

 

[pearcey]

she was "bored and was like ewwww"

damn, I don't know if it is settling...more of a waste of time. but ewwww? how can you converse with someone with an ew.

Everyone deals with something. usually it's looks then you find out that beyond physical nothing is there.

but you should AT LEAST find the person pleasing to your eyes. damn. that is wild...

 

[tinkat]

It really depends on what you are looking for. I met my husband on match.com and he did not have a photo up. He turned out to be a handsome Physician and he is very fit. We exchanged emails and telephone calls. I did not see what he looked like until the first date. He offered to send a photo, but I declined. I am not sure why, I think I was experimenting. His looks turned out to be a bonus- icing on an already delicious pound cake. While on match, I only chose men who contacted me and had graduate degrees and who were not big sports fans and not extremely religious. It's a good idea to select men base on their hobbies and interests. I think it's settling to go for looks in a man when men are made to protect an provide . Women are the ones who are beautiful.

I agree. Selecting men based on hobbies and interest are important IMO. I met my SO online also and he did have photos up but only two. He had more pics of what represented him. What got me interested was his pics of his vegan food and bookshelf full of books.

 

[CaraWalker]

not necessarily. there are some women out there who are with handsome men that could do with "settling" for a less attractive but successful man...

as far as winning with men goes i think focusing on attractiveness is worrying about the wrong thing, but thats me personally.

e: my average is generally men in the 7-ish range, although most of my female friends think i should be doing a lot better than that. but i like very smart and highly educated men, and by and large they mostly arent as attractive as less educated men. (my theory is that when you get by on your looks you arent that academically inclined because, why.) its a trade-off, but i like a certain type of personality, so i have to accept it.

 

[MD_Lady]

I couldn't have a physical relationship with someone I wasn't physically attracted to and I give you for being honest about your feelings. IMO, settling involves accepting something undesirable, usually because you don't feel you have any other choice. Re-evaluating what you find attractive in a partner is more of a byproduct of life/dating experiences (and, IMO, is OK as long you’re legitimately happy with whatever tradeoffs you’re making).

 

[Flourishnikov]

From a spriritual context, I believe you have not, because you ask not. I will most certainly ask for the man of my dreams (looks included), but I believe that I will ultimately end up with the man that is "best" for me. He may or may not include everything on my list, but I believe when it is divine intervention you wont even notice the things he didnt have, because you will be so taken by the things he DOES have.

I have no intention of forcing "attraction" and its unfair to the other person if he wants to cuddle and u are content letting him hold your hand, because you are not genuinely attracted to him and dont want to get close. LOL

 

[tolly]

I find a man's behavior and ability to take care of me, provide love, attention and financial security very attractive, I'm not caught up by looks.
I can admire physical appeal in a man without any attraction to him. I think if I was a man, I would choose a woman not based on how beautiful she is but how she makes me feel.
Looks for me are over-rated and don't have bearing on sexual appeal, just my personal impression.

 

[Flourishnikov]

I find a man's behavior and ability to take care of me, provide love, attention and financial security very attractive, I'm not caught up by looks.
I can admire physical appeal in a man without any attraction to him. I think if I was a man, I would choose a woman not based on how beautiful she is but how she makes me feel.
Looks for me are over-rated and don't have bearing on sexual appeal, just my personal impression.

tolly

Serious question...If you met a man and you consciously werent attracted to him physically, like would never look twice at him if you saw him on the street and he asked you out, would you just take a chance and go out with him and hope he had the bolded?

Also, Im assuming that if after dating you realized he had all of the bolded that it would neutralize his looks and allowing you to suddenly become attracted to him?

Im not trying to be contrary, Im just genuinely trying to figure out how this works in a setting where you dont have time to get to know someone and you have to make a snap judgement about whether or not you want to give someone your number to pursue you romantically.

TIA.

 

[Kiadodie]

I think if half of these celebrities that women lust after wouldn't have gotten much play on a dating site. Interesting how many of them say no one was checking for them before.

Inner attractiveness, sex appeal and confidence are power ful to me.

Generally I want the man (needs to be a good man obviously) that I have the most spark with and the one I find most attractive. That's not always the best looking. I am fine to settle on a physical thing somewhat as long as I'm attracted to them. I aint going out with someone I find ugly and unnatractive though

Yes the bolded is important to me too BUT physical attraction is TOO.

 

[PeaceFlow]

Yes the bolded is important to me too BUT physical attraction is TOO.

Yeah I need physical attraction to get it popping.

Sometimes a guys "swagger" can make me see him as more physically attractive than if I didn't talk to him though.

I'd never go out with someone I wasn't attracted to anyway. I see no reason for young attractive women to lol. Whats going on with your friends, have they given up?

 

[PeaceFlow]

Oh and I met some beautiful, eligible, men (inside and out) online. You just have to sift well.

 

[MzLady78]

I think physical attraction is important. He doesn't have to be drop-dead gorgeous to the rest of the world, but he has to be appealing to ME, and I'm not someone with ridiculous standards (i.e. he must be 7ft, have a 12 pack, etc. ). I tried the nice guy that I didn't find attractive and I knew after 3 dates we'd never be more than friends.

I refuse to believe you can't have a nice looking, good guy.

 

[CoilyFields]

Physical attraction is what may initially draw you but it wont sustain you.

I took a chance and dated a guy I would never have considered on my own (he was a friend). And though his body was perfect his face was sorely lacking. But after giving him a chance I fell madly in love and know that I would have missed out on something wonderful if I had relied soley on his looks to determine if I would give him a chance. He was a great guy (even our breakup was a gentle necessity that I look back on with appreciation of his character).

Now "eww" is not a good road to travel down. If they actually disgust you then please don't waste anyones time.

 

[Kiadodie]

Yeah I need physical attraction to get it popping.

Sometimes a guys "swagger" can make me see him as more physically attractive than if I didn't talk to him though.

I'd never go out with someone I wasn't attracted to anyway. I see no reason for young attractive women to lol. Whats going on with your friends, have they given up?

Sumra they wanna get married BADLY. That is all I can see. I do too but damn I just can't do what they do. If I say ewww on the first date, there wouldn't even have been a first date in the first place you know? I just wanna know if I'm the one in the wrong tho....

 

[Kiadodie]

Physical attraction is what may initially draws you but it wont sustain you.

I took a chance and dated a guy I would never have considered on my own (he was a friend). And though his body was perfect his face was sorely lacking. But after giving him a chance I fell madly in love and know that I would have missed out on something wonderful if I had relied soley on his looks to determine if I would give him a chance. He was a great guy (even our breakup was a gentle necessity that I look back on with appreciation of his character).

Now "eww" is not a good road to travel down. If they actually disgust you then please don't waste anyones time.

Well the one that said ewww had been dating him for 5 years now and they just moved in together but I can tell you ever since she's been with him she isn't happy. She wants marriage badly and he's the one dragging his feet although he says he wants to marry her.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Sumra they wanna get married BADLY. That is all I can see. I do too but damn I just can't do what they do. If I say ewww on the first date, there wouldn't even have been a first date in the first place you know? I just wanna know if I'm the one in the wrong tho....

you're not wrong and it is settling. why date someone who you're not attracted to. your friends feel obligated to date them because they met? first of all, "ewww" is an indication of things to come. is the struggle that real? damn.

why waste time if it's not who they want. just say nice meeting you and keep it pimpin.

and as i've said before, be careful of the mate you choose. it's a gamble...especially if you want to have kids.

 

[Kiadodie]

I couldn't have a physical relationship with someone I wasn't physically attracted to and I give you for being honest about your feelings. IMO, settling involves accepting something undesirable, usually because you don't feel you have any other choice. Re-evaluating what you find attractive in a partner is more of a byproduct of life/dating experiences (and, IMO, is OK as long you’re legitimately happy with whatever tradeoffs you’re making).

If nothing else I'm always honest . Thanks but I think I'm in the minority with the way I am but I guess I need to be ok with that.

 

[CaraWalker]

i think its weird that this question comes up so regularly. its like people need permission to want what they want, or else reassurance that their expectations arent unreasonable and keeping them single.

i have seen some women be very insecure about their partner's looks. it's weird that women care more about that than men, when you would think with all the emphasis on what a woman looks like would make men more picky.

honestly, i do think women's desire for very attractive partners keep them single longer than they want to be, especially if they aren't very good looking themselves. i have a friend like this and she is in denial about the fact that her dorky looks are making her quest for a gorgeous man an uphill battle. its like, why try so hard? why is it so important? i get wanting someone you are attracted to, but when youre only attracted to men who are too good looking for you, something is not right... and i doubt the looks themselves are what theyre really attracted to.

 

[tolly]

@GrowGrl09, every man I have dated I met at work or school so those are people I already knew before dating them. I know the criteria for online dating has to be different. I've always responded better to people's[ men and women] character than their looks, it's just what works for me.
I'm attracted and aroused by the love a man shows me not his looks. My standards for physical beauty probably falls short of the norm from what I have read from posters on this site over the years. However, my standards for attention and care and being treated well is high indeed and I am happy with it.
In my opinion very very few people look so unappealing as to be impossible for me to love, but that's just me.
I think every woman should know her personal needs and requirements in a relationship and thrive to fulfill those needs. For me, a man's looks just doesn't matter so much.

 

[JustifiablyMe]

i think its weird that this question comes up so regularly. its like people need permission to want what they want, or else reassurance that their expectations arent unreasonable and keeping them single.

i have seen some women be very insecure about their partner's looks. it's weird that women care more about that than men, when you would think with all the emphasis on what a woman looks like would make men more picky.

honestly, i do think women's desire for very attractive partners keep them single longer than they want to be, especially if they aren't very good looking themselves. i have a friend like this and she is in denial about the fact that her dorky looks are making her quest for a gorgeous man an uphill battle. its like, why try so hard? why is it so important? i get wanting someone you are attracted to, but when youre only attracted to men who are too good looking for you, something is not right... and i doubt the looks themselves are what theyre really attracted to.

But how does one discern this? Isn't it a proven fact that people believe they are more attractive than they really are?

ETA: I do agree with you in regards to the second bolded; I would say the validation of dating someone really attractive is what they're after.

 

[CaraWalker]

But how does one discern this? Isn't it a proven fact that people believe they are more attractive than they really are?

you can tell youre holding out for men that are too attractive for you if the men you desire NEVER approach you.

 

[lux10023]

i think your friends at their age have opted to not be as shallow and focus on quality versus looks...

common interests and other tangibles about a person really make a huge difference in the long haul--you can be with a fine man and have nothing in common...

i know many--i work with them in my industry--lol fine as all get out but not that deep...

 

[PeaceFlow]

@Sumra they wanna get married BADLY. That is all I can see. I do too but damn I just can't do what they do. If I say ewww on the first date, there wouldn't even have been a first date in the first place you know? I just wanna know if I'm the one in the wrong tho....

Oh lord.

If they want to get married to anyone and yesterday then that's right for them. That is their main priority, so they are willing to overlook the physical Kinda like some of the women who want to be with a rich man as a priority might marry an old wrinkly one lol.

I don't think either of you are wrong. There's all sorts of women in many situations and different types of men that I wouldn't want but gotta let people do them. Unless they are trying to tell you to do the same lol. Forget that

 

[JustifiablyMe]

you can tell youre holding out for men that are too attractive for you if the men you desire NEVER approach you.

Sooo would you give that advice in reference to this post?

I am truly sick and tired of being approached by men I have absolutely not the slightest interest in. It's annoyed me in the past, but it's realllllly getting under my skin now and I know it's b/c I'm starting to get impatient with finding someone decent and attractive. It's like my fears are coming to the surface and being compounded by the fact that only men that I'm not into approach me. I prob need to start examining my beliefs and changing my mindset.

This morning I saw a FINE specimen of a man in a suit that just fit his body like a damn glove, nice shoes, handsome face --- I literally said GAWT DAMN at least 4 times. I mean... he was just a nice sight to see, nice clean cut looking black man heading to work. In my head, I was thinking 'damn, why can't I get approached by these types of men' and as I thought that, no lie -- at least 3 different men on the street approached me as I continued on to work -- construction workers and gross men . I'm just venting and HIGHLY annoyed. It's like seeing that man compounded this belief that I have towards men that I never get what I want... I need to work on that asap because I've been feeling that way lately.

No shade by the way (to either of you). I'm just genuinely curious because a lot of us seem to have this problem but I don't think our level of attractiveness is the factor. Or maybe it is and we should lower our standards.

 

[MzLady78]

Well the one that said ewww had been dating him for 5 years now and they just moved in together but I can tell you ever since she's been with him she isn't happy. She wants marriage badly and he's the one dragging his feet although he says he wants to marry her.

Oh hell naw.

I'll be damned if I'm like "ewww" about a dude and HE'S holding out on marrying ME.