Is this settling?

[BlackMarilyn]

I have always been told to never ever settle. But I'm a bit unclear as to if the following situation is considered as settling:
you meet a guy and he's great on paper, ticks all the boxes but you just dont feel that attraction, at least not yet. is continuing to go out with him to see if the attraction grows/develops considered as settling?

 

[Lurkee]

I think settling only happens when you choose to commit to someone you have no attraction to/ or don't click with. You can't settle till you settle.

I believe in the slow attraction process that develops the more you get to know someone.

 

[BlackMarilyn]

Thanks. Yeah I figured it was when you actually commit when the attraction is not there yet.

I've always been so accustomed to only going out with or dating guys that I feel an attraction to that now where I'm going out with a guy where I don't feel anything just yet, part of me feels like I'm settling. And I'm not gonna lie, it's irking me a bit.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I don't think it should take long to know if you're attracted to him. If he touches you and you feel nothing or it repulses you, I don't know how you get past that.

 

[Hairsnob]

Chemistry is everything. If a guy is right on paper and he may not look like Denzel I could get past that as long as I'm able to look at him without wincing. Settling would be giving up your REQUIREMENTS (Needs vs. Wants., eg., things that are right on paper vs height/weight).

But if you feel no sparks with him then I don't know how that can change.

 

[ladylibra_30]

It would be for me - I have to be attracted to a man right away! Then my energy is focused on what he does to sustain/increase the level of attraction for him.

Once I deem a guy as a "buddy", he will never leave that category. If he doesn't move me initially or I have to 'self-talk' about why I should be liking him, it's a no-go.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I think you are confusing terms. You have to be careful of the language that you use.

A man can tick off some requirements on paper (enough to go on a date) and still not the right one for you. That doesn't mean you couldn't be friends with him or recommend him to somone else (theoretically). I would think that having chemistry should be a part of your "want" list so I'd question how perfect he really is for you. Is he what you want or what others are telling you that you should want?

In my experience although many say they kept someone around until they got feelings that is a lie of convenience. Usually what happened was not that they finally got feelings but they got tired of looking and just fell back to what was hanging around. They settled for the short term but what held them back from committing initially is still there and rears its head once another candidate that meets that need comes around.

If you're not sure what you want then continue to date but be open to meeting other other people. If you do know he's not it then just let him go. The more time you spend with him is less time you have to meet/spend with the right one. You need to figure out what is and isn't important for you both short and long term. This desire to jump straight into committment is hurting women more than men. They keep their options open until they want to.

 

[BlackMarilyn]

Thanks for all these great responses.

 

[MsKinkycurl]

It's only settling if you take yourself off the market. For me whether or not I continue seeing someone without any sparks depends on what stage we are in the relationship. I'll stay and see what can develop only if there has not been any physical contact.

When my SO and I first started going on "dates" we always behaved as friends (i.e. no kissing, some flirtatious touching but no romantic touching). I never felt any sparks but I kept going out with him because he was pleasant to be around, a good person, and basically my type on paper.

One day we finally kissed, and Oh Boy!, there were major fireworks. Suddenly even though he wasn't my normal physical type, I found myself extremely attracted to him.

IDK if physical chemistry can grow if you have already know its not there.

My situation might be different because we were friends first and never really planned on getting in a relationship (at least on my side lol).