Is There Ever Any Reason To Stay Friends With An Ex

L

LdyKamz

Well-Known Member
So I'm on the phone with my mom and she started telling me something she saw on the news. My response was "I know. Dad told me." She sighed and was like "I don't want to hear about your father right now". My parents have been divorced for almost 10 years but they are on speaking terms. Some days I would even call them friends but I usually stay out of it and don't ask any questions. Anyway, without prompting she goes on this tirade about how ex's don't need to be in each others lives at all unless they have small children and how me and my sister are grown and if she wanted to she would never have to hear from my father again. :lol: When it's over it's over and move on to the next person or not but trying to maintain a friendship is stupid and pointless. Now obviously, my parents must be in the middle of a fight :lol:

But it got me thinking. Is this how most people feel? I'm in my 30's and have done the merry go round thing with lots of ex's, popping back up, off and on again relationships. I don't like it and don't know how it became a thing for me. Or for most people for that matter. I saw something on instagram the other day that said "One day you're gonna text me and I'm gonna be married" with a crying laughing emoji. It's so normal these days but the older I get, I think I agree with my mother. What do you all think? Not just for spouses but for ex boyfriends too? When it's over (if there are no children involved or anything that is keeping you together) should the ex cease to exist in your world?
 
I agree with your mom. Once your kids (assuming that you shared children) are grown, what's to talk about?

My parents reached out to each other when a relative passed away, someone was in the hospital, etc. Cordial, compassionate, but an actual friendship? Nah.
 
I don't understand the need to act like the ex never existed. Just because I no longer want him in a romantic sense doesn't mean I wouldn't mind being friends with my ex because we make each other laugh and have good platonic fun.

However, no one else feels this way and so my ex and I don't talk in order to keep the others in our lives happy and ourselves sane.

They (our new relationships) may be threatened by the familiarity, the shared history that they cannot experience, or just not trust the ex to keep it platonic. I've had people say you cut ties just because that is what's done and that's what people do. Doesn't make sense to me, but I guess I'm not normal.
 
fluffyforever said:
I don't understand the need to act like the ex never existed. Just because I no longer want him in a romantic sense doesn't mean I wouldn't mind being friends with my ex because we make each other laugh and have good platonic fun.

However, no one else feels this way and so my ex and I don't talk in order to keep the others in our lives happy and ourselves sane.

They (our new relationships) may be threatened by the familiarity, the shared history that they cannot experience, or just not trust the ex to keep it platonic. I've had people say you cut ties just because that is what's done and that's what people do. Doesn't make sense to me, but I guess I'm not normal.
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Your post is interesting to me and I appreciate your perspective. I actually wanted to hear from someone with your opinion. You can definitely genuinely like the person but realize the romantic aspect of the relationship didn't work out. But where it gets weird is...you 2 initially came together in a romantic capacity. If you 2 were not friends before what does your friendship consist of now? That is a genuine question for you if you care to answer.

To me it would consist of private inside jokes that you shared when you were romantic (not platonic) partners. When my ex fiance and I stopped hating each other, he called me to tell me his grandmother passed. During that time we talked a lot and ended up rekindling our friendship but I was struck that our friendship would always be inappropriate during one particular skype call. He was telling me about someone he saw fall and we reminisced about the time he fell in the shower and ripped down our shower curtain. I was the most hilarious thing I had ever seen in my life and in recounting the story it was not romantic at all but I immediately realized that our new SO's would not appreciate the conversation no matter how harmless. Would she be amused about me having seen him that way - naked? I can imagine it would be the only part of the story she'd focus on when at the time it wasn't the focus of the story at all. Needless to say I have not spoken to him in about 8 years and I probably never will and after this conversation with my mom I'm thinking that's the way it should be. It's an intimate shared history that I'm finding less appealing.

I'm also interested in the merry go round relationships so popular today. Is it just me? :look: The regular pop ups from past relationships and situationships alike. Maybe that's a different topic but I thought it applied.
 
LdyKamz said:
Your post is interesting to me and I appreciate your perspective. I actually wanted to hear from someone with your opinion. You can definitely genuinely like the person but realize the romantic aspect of the relationship didn't work out. But where it gets weird is...you 2 initially came together in a romantic capacity. If you 2 were not friends before what does your friendship consist of now? That is a genuine question for you if you care to answer.

To me it would consist of private inside jokes that you shared when you were romantic (not platonic) partners. When my ex fiance and I stopped hating each other, he called me to tell me his grandmother passed. During that time we talked a lot and ended up rekindling our friendship but I was struck that our friendship would always be inappropriate during one particular skype call. He was telling me about someone he saw fall and we reminisced about the time he fell in the shower and ripped down our shower curtain. I was the most hilarious thing I had ever seen in my life and in recounting the story it was not romantic at all but I immediately realized that our new SO's would not appreciate the conversation no matter how harmless. Would she be amused about me having seen him that way - naked? I can imagine it would be the only part of the story she'd focus on when at the time it wasn't the focus of the story at all. Needless to say I have not spoken to him in about 8 years and I probably never will and after this conversation with my mom I'm thinking that's the way it should be. It's an intimate shared history that I'm finding less appealing.

I'm also interested in the merry go round relationships so popular today. Is it just me? :look: The regular pop ups from past relationships and situationships alike. Maybe that's a different topic but I thought it applied.
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We were friends before and our relationship was more as friends than romantic really. We would still be as any other friends, chill and talk, play games, share advice, etc. if we were both single.

We have a lot of inside jokes like that, but I guess my perspective is a lot of friends in general do. Yes I saw my ex naked and we were intimate, but I've moved on and I would hope my SO would trust me that I have moved on and that type of intimacy between the ex and me stopped. But that's just me, I'm future focused and I don't get caught up on the past like that.

Of course I would not consider it appropriate to chill alone at my ex's house or spend a lot of time with him while either of us is in a relationship. I wouldn't do that with any man. But saying hello in passing with a quick catching up conversation shouldn't be forbidden. Neither should be communicating the deaths of close family members or having to unfriend each other on Facebook and deleting all pictures of each other.

I can't give a perspective on merry go rounds since I would never get back with him in a relationship.
 
But even if your kids are grown, they're still your kids, who'll need emotional support from both parents and they'll probably share grandkids. I don't get the 18 year factor that most people hold. But to answer your question, over here (island), it's real small and for the most part, most people share a similar circle, so a good deal of people will know your ex. If he has sense, keeping him around would be good for networking purposes. (They're particularly good to have around if they're in the IT field) :laugh:
 
awhyley said:
But even if your kids are grown, they're still your kids, who'll need emotional support from both parents and they'll probably share grandkids. I don't get the 18 year factor that most people hold. But to answer your question, over here (island), it's real small and for the most part, most people share a similar circle, so a good deal of people will know your ex. If he has sense, keeping him around would be good for networking purposes. (They're particularly good to have around if they're in the IT field) :laugh:
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I understand what you're saying. But what you talk about is different from friendship though. I have no problem being civil and expressing a sincere "hello" when we cross paths. But an out right friendship? Absolute not. Like @Mai Tai said, the man failed me as a lover, why would he suddenly make a good friend?
 
Mai Tai said:
To me, the characteristics that a man exhibits that lead to the demise of a relationship are not ones I even want in a friend so no...nice for what?
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Yeah it’s gotta be about the characteristics of both parties. But people expect different things from a romantic relationship than they do a friendship.
 
I don't believe in exes as friends. I wasn't friends with my ex before and while I've made progress in that I don't hate him anymore, it would not be to my advantage to pursue a friendship with him. Also I think there will always be boundary issues, what do you talk about and one person will always be feeling some type of way about something. No, nope its not a good idea and honestly speaking I wouldn't want to be with someone who was still friends with their exes.
 
Friends/friendly with all of mine except 1 and their wives/SO's, children and some of their parents. I get invites to some family functions, cards and or calls on holidays. One of their wives is now my OBGYN She orchestrated a black woman intervention with 4 of her medical friends and saved my ovary last year after my previous doc scheduled surgery to remove it and I love her to death and not because of that. I loved her before all that. None of those relationships ended on bad terms so maybe that's why we still cool.
 
Evolving78 said:
Yeah it’s gotta be about the characteristics of both parties. But people expect different things from a romantic relationship than they do a friendship.
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I suppose this is why I am not friends with exes and why I don't have male friends when I am in a relationship.
I actually do expect most of the same things in both a friendship and relationships. Loyalty, respect, kindness, consideration, dependability...etc.
And I am one of the few who believe to have a good relationship, you have to have at the very least a decent friendship with your mate.

@LdyKamz Or maybe I don't understand what is being defined as a friend in this thread.

But like I already stated, being cool or civil with an ex to me is different from being friends.
 
I'm friends with exes from when I was a teenager, because in those cases, it was mostly just outgrowing each other and not any kind of character flaw, cheating, etc.

My adult exes, not so much. There was only 1 and he's the reason why I'll never be friends with an ex going forward.
 
Sosoothing said:
I suppose this is why I am not friends with exes and why I don't have male friends when I am in a relationship.
I actually do expect most of the same things in both a friendship and relationships. Loyalty, respect, kindness, consideration, dependability...etc.
And I am one of the few who believe to have a good relationship, you have to have at the very least a decent friendship with your mate.

@LdyKamz Or maybe I don't understand what is being defined as a friend in this thread.

But like I already stated, being cool or civil with an ex to me is different from being friends.
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Sosoothing said:
I understand what you're saying. But what you talk about is different from friendship though. I have no problem being civil and expressing a sincere "hello" when we cross paths. But an out right friendship? Absolute not. Like @Mai Tai said, the man failed me as a lover, why would he suddenly make a good friend?
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you threw me off by using the word failed, but with your clarification, I understand and agree.
 
@Sosoothing Yeah seeing an ex and being cordial and saying hello does not equal friendship to me. I'm not going to hide behind a car to avoid my ex if I see him walking down the street. Depending on how it ended I may just acknowledge with a head nod, stop and say hello for a minute tops (or in the event it ended badly definitely ignore). But this would not mean that we are friends with each other. To me a friend is someone you speak to regularly, maybe even see occasionally or something like that.
 
@LdyKamz
Your original post got me to thinking about something, and that’s why I said boundaries needs to be established. What is going on with your parents and others is what is called a situationship. And they may have cut ties on paper, but there is still something going on, disguised as a friendship.

So the question is can men and women be friends, or do people just put each other in the friend zone for their own selfish purposes? Men don’t wanna be friends with women. Not even gay men, not even transgender men.
 
Evolving78 said:
@LdyKamz
Your original post got me to thinking about something, and that’s why I said boundaries needs to be established. What is going on with your parents and others is what is called a situationship. And they may have cut ties on paper, but there is still something going on, disguised as a friendship.

So the question is can men and women be friends, or do people just put each other in the friend zone for their own selfish purposes? Men don’t wanna be friends with women. Not even gay men, not even transgender men.
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Yeah there is absolutely nothing going on there. My mother is not interested in being with my father at all. never. ever. again. Can't stress that enough :lachen:Believe me, it has been a long road to this point. The first couple years they did not speak to each other at all. But once things got back to normal my father did start hoping they would get back together. That lasted a while but he eventually got over it when he realized my mother was not going to take him back. I know he still loved my mother but I really think that was more about loneliness and missing that companionship than anything else.
 
LdyKamz said:
Yeah there is absolutely nothing going on there. My mother is not interested in being with my father at all. never. ever. again. Can't stress that enough :lachen:Believe me, it has been a long road to this point. The first couple years they did not speak to each other at all. But once things got back to normal my father did start hoping they would get back together. That lasted a while but he eventually got over it when he realized my mother was not going to take him back. I know he still loved my mother but I really think that was more about loneliness and missing that companionship than anything else.
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My apologizes! Lol just that when you said they were friends, but she was mad at him, caused me to wonder.
 
Evolving78 said:
My apologizes! Lol just that when you said they were friends, but she was mad at him, caused me to wonder.
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They rarely argue these days (as far as I know - like I said I try to stay out of it) but I think she's mad because my father commented on my cousin's post (my mother's niece) on facebook basically scolding her about something. Social media will cause problems every single time. But anyway let me stop derailing my own thread. lol
 
awhyley said:
But even if your kids are grown, they're still your kids, who'll need emotional support from both parents and they'll probably share grandkids. I don't get the 18 year factor that most people hold.
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But what does this have to do with the parents being friends? Is it possible for them to support their children at any age without them having to be friends or much contact at all with each other. It's not like they need to coordinate schedules or discuss anything for adult children.
 
LdyKamz said:
But what does this have to do with the parents being friends? Is it possible for them to support their children at any age without them having to be friends or much contact at all with each other. It's not like they need to coordinate schedules or discuss anything for adult children.
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I understand what she’s saying. When parents are contentious and not on speaking terms it makes family functions that require the presence of both people very awkward and uncomfortable for all parties involved when it doesn’t have to be that way. I have heard plenty of stories where the parents are still at odds with eachother 15 years later after a divorce and their kids are stressing out about wedding arrangements, seating, who to invite to what etc because their parents can’t move on. It’s very unfortunate and unfair IMO. Several years ago, my little cousin’s parents both missed her HS graduation behind their foolishness and after that fiasco they realized and learned real quick that if they don’t straighten up their acts they will be missing several more milestones in her life. They are now cordial towards eachother.
 
LdyKamz said:
But what does this have to do with the parents being friends? Is it possible for them to support their children at any age without them having to be friends or much contact at all with each other. It's not like they need to coordinate schedules or discuss anything for adult children.
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@BillsBackerz67 definitely emphasized some good points that I didn't make in my post. Someone mentioned upthread about being civil, but even that isn't enough imho. Kids (adults) can tell when people are faking it. Someone people are just masking malice when they deal with their exes. The scenario where both parents missed the graduation is so telling. They don't have to be the best of friends, but there should be some fluidity, along with basic respect and communication. They may not co-ordinate schedules in the case of grown children, but interactions shouldn't have to be strained and avoided. (With serial cheating and abuse being the exceptions).
 
awhyley said:
@BillsBackerz67 definitely emphasized some good points that I didn't make in my post. Someone mentioned upthread about being civil, but even that isn't enough imho. Kids (adults) can tell when people are faking it. Someone people are just masking malice when they deal with their exes. The scenario where both parents missed the graduation is so telling. They don't have to be the best of friends, but there should be some fluidity, along with basic respect and communication. They may not co-ordinate schedules in the case of grown children, but interactions shouldn't have to be strained and avoided. (With serial cheating and abuse being the exceptions).
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But these things are still different than friendship and I don't think civility = fake. You can be polite and cordial and it not be a negative thing. The parents who missed the graduation sound like they couldn't even do that.
 
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