Is There Ever Any Reason To Stay Friends With An Ex

[Southernbella.]

I've never seen the point. Once we break up, you don't exist.

I think the exception is when you have kids but even then, it doesn't need to be a friendship.

 

[LdyKamz]

@BillsBackerz67 They are now cordial but are they friends? Like they can be in the same room and not rip each other to shreds but I'd expect no less from mature adults, who share children at that (even though I know this isn't always the case). But would they call each other up to see how the other is doing? If a relative on their side was sick or passed would one call the other up and tell them about it?

Maybe me mentioning that my parents are in a fight gave the impression that the opposite of friends is enemies or we absolutely hate each other lol But that's not what I meant. My grandparents have been divorced for decades. They are not friends. Never were. They do not talk to each other. They divorced when my mother was still a child but at this point they do not discuss my mother or my aunt when they have issues going on in their lives. However, they are both present at every birthday and milestone for them and their children. They say hello if they see each other and they keep it moving. Other than that no contact whatsoever. At this point, if we never had parties or did anything I doubt they'd ever see or hear from each other again.

After thinking about it some more and now knowing what the fight is about I'm starting to understand better where my mother is coming from. It is a slippery slope dealing with a person who was so involved in your life before but isn't any longer no matter how cool you are. Apparently my father made some comments to my mother about my cousin he felt entitled to say because this was his family at some point but my mother thinks he's "too familiar" and needs to stay in his lane. I actually don't disagree with anything he said. He pretty much said the same things when my parents were married and my cousin was a problem child teen. But my mother thinks he overstepped and if this was my ex I probably would too. But this is what happens when you are friends I think.

@fluffyforever @awhyley how would this be something you'd handle as staying friends with an ex? I imagine myself flying into a rage and telling my ex his mama his ugly and he can stfu but I'm emotional I can talk about my family you can't!

 

[awhyley]

^^^ Maybe, but most of the people I've seen acting civil, are gritting their teeth in the process. I think that I'm more focused on the respect aspect rather than affection though. They don't have to pal around, but checking on each other, and making sure that the other is okay is sweet. (Based on some responses, I'm thinking that this is a stretch for some relationships though).

 

[fluffyforever]

@BillsBackerz67 They are now cordial but are they friends? Like they can be in the same room and not rip each other to shreds but I'd expect no less from mature adults, who share children at that (even though I know this isn't always the case). But would they call each other up to see how the other is doing? If a relative on their side was sick or passed would one call the other up and tell them about it?

Maybe me mentioning that my parents are in a fight gave the impression that the opposite of friends is enemies or we absolutely hate each other lol But that's not what I meant. My grandparents have been divorced for decades. They are not friends. Never were. They do not talk to each other. They divorced when my mother was still a child but at this point they do not discuss my mother or my aunt when they have issues going on in their lives. However, they are both present at every birthday and milestone for them and their children. They say hello if they see each other and they keep it moving. Other than that no contact whatsoever. At this point, if we never had parties or did anything I doubt they'd ever see or hear from each other again.

After thinking about it some more and now knowing what the fight is about I'm starting to understand better where my mother is coming from. It is a slippery slope dealing with a person who was so involved in your life before but isn't any longer no matter how cool you are. Apparently my father made some comments to my mother about my cousin he felt entitled to say because this was his family at some point but my mother thinks he's "too familiar" and needs to stay in his lane. I actually don't disagree with anything he said. He pretty much said the same things when my parents were married and my cousin was a problem child teen. But my mother thinks he overstepped and if this was my ex I probably would too. But this is what happens when you are friends I think.

@fluffyforever @awhyley how would this be something you'd handle as staying friends with an ex? I imagine myself flying into a rage and telling my ex his mama his ugly and he can stfu but I'm emotional I can talk about my family you can't!

I don't have a problem with it. I consider family to always be family even if we don't keep in touch because of divorce. As long as he isn't trying to start drama he can give his opinion all he wants. I especially can't get mad if he is telling the truth. But again, I and my ex would be friends and talk about my family and his family anyway if we weren't dating other people.

If we had parted on sour terms then I could see that being why I would want him to keep his opinions to himself. But in that case I wouldn't want to be friends with him in the first place.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

I used to be friends with my ex's but I cut that out. No point...they think they have a chance. I'll say hi to you on the road and thats about it.

 

[007PMP]

I’m quasi-“friends” with most of ex’s...I keep the lines open to feed my ego. They always come back saying how they cannot find someone like me.

Selfish but the truth. I cannot come up with any other reason why I do this other than it feeds my ego and I kinda get off on them begging. Sometimes they will disappear and cut ties first, other times they don’t. Years (like 10+) will go by and they will still reach out and feed my ego. Ex husband included (we co-parent as well).

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I would never become friends with any of my exes. They'll think there's still a chance of rekindling things.

 

[MilkChocolateOne]

I’m quasi-“friends” with most of ex’s...I keep the lines open to feed my ego. They always come back saying how they cannot find someone like me.

Selfish but the truth. I cannot come up with any other reason why I do this other than it feeds my ego and I kinda get off on them begging. Sometimes they will disappear and cut ties first, other times they don’t. Years (like 10+) will go by and they will still reach out and feed my ego. Ex husband included (we co-parent as well).

At least your honest about it. I think most people remain friends with their ex’s for the same reason.

 

[chassiecrane]

Discounts and connects. And I’m only half kidding. There are 2 dudes I kicked it with in college that are still extremely useful sweethearts that I talk to and see frequently .

Overall I think it just depends on the circumstances of the breakup and the type of people you are. I would cut off cheaters beaters and generally trash dudes without looking back. But I’ve dated men that I realize I either just wasn’t passionate about or compatible with but they weren’t terrible ppl. They were basically my friends at that point.- ppl I enjoy spending time with that I don’t want to bang.

Perhaps it differs depending on age though. I’m in my mid 20s and haven’t been married or worried about marrying any time soon. Also, although I prefer and usually keep the company of women, most of my actual hobbies/activities are dominated by men so I often make friends or am asked out that way. I have multiple ongoing chat convos with some of them about shared hobbies and just silly life stuff/memes/etc between meetings.

 

[shespoison]

My exes are like family to me. I can answer FaceTime looking ugly and they still think it’s cute.

Two weeks I had my wisdom teeth pulled and had to call on someone last minute to get me home. I called one of my exes and came for me.

I mentioned I was hot 2 summers ago and an ex brought me an ac which I still use.

I only hang out with them when they are single. They are the people who know me best so I do it because it’s easy and beneficial.

It’s not smart tbh but it’s worth the convenience most times.

 

[Farida]

I would only remain friends with an ex I had sex with if we have kids. If you slept together once it can happen again...

 

[Lady-RuffDiamond]

But even if your kids are grown, they're still your kids, who'll need emotional support from both parents and they'll probably share grandkids. I don't get the 18 year factor that most people hold. But to answer your question, over here (island), it's real small and for the most part, most people share a similar circle, so a good deal of people will know your ex. If he has sense, keeping him around would be good for networking purposes. (They're particularly good to have around if they're in the IT field)

Bolded for emphasis.

 

[Lady-RuffDiamond]

I used to be friends with my ex's but I cut that out. No point...they think they have a chance. I'll say hi to you on the road and thats about it.

I daresay that's true, but I always warn them before the relationship starts that once we break up,

That.is.it.

It's over.

No going back because I don't look back.

Hence me watching them sobbing into their beer and crying that they've made a mistake. Meanwhile, I simply watch them, internally shrug my shoulders, then ask if they can fix my printer/ do a Photoshop job that I can't do/any other blokey job that needs doing. Then they dry their tears, get up and do what ever I asked.

No sympathy from me in that department.

However, if they needed a favour, I'll do it. We were mates before and will be mates after, but we won't be intimate again.

The new girlfriend could be a bit edgy with me. I don't care. I'm not going after that anymore. I'm jogging on. Besides, I'm a selfish creature. I don't want to be spending time standing in the dock of the Old Bailey Crown Court pleading guilty to manslaughter. Cos I would kill him due to the upbuild on the irritation scale.

I let the new flame know this the instant that they are introduced to me. If she is still snarky, then I move to another part of the room. KIM. I'm not getting involved in their relationship.

 

[SoopremeBeing]

Unless you have ties, such as children or complex financial ties, I don't see the point.

 

[hothair]

I think its cleaner and easier to move on.

If you were genuinely friends beforehand it may be easier to slip back into it.

But personally, I think nah..the effort to maintain the boundaries are unnecessary for a casual friendship.

 

[bluediamond0829]

Nope no reason to if there are no children in the picture and even then I don't feel like you have to be friends or forced to be friends.

The one time I did try being a ex's friend I ended up feeling some type of way and felt as if he was being selfish because he made the call to end the relationship and for us to just be friends so it was still like he was calling the shots and getting things his way. He thought we still could hang out and that it would be all good or like he was doing me some type of favor-- but I never hung out with him after the break up. And then he thought he would go ahead and put it out there that he wanted to sleep with me like a month or two later and said it in such a disrespectful way and said before I slept or gave it up to the new guy that I was dating if we could sleep together first-- that was so disrespectful, disgraceful and hurtful. I told him then nah it doesn't work like that and I'm adhering to what he wanted to be "friends" and told him straight up friends don't sleep together. After that I never spoke to him again. He texted me for my birthday and I think maybe one time after because we both were from Florida and that storm and to check on our families but that was it. He didn't even get happy holiday or birthday text. I was done.

 

[PeaceFlow]

I've stayed in contact with ex when because they are a good friend and there is no attraction. I'm a bit of a good people collector lol. Sometimes relationships drift into an asexual "brother/sister" feel. I see no reason to cut that off.

The one ex that I still had attraction to and we likely would be attracted forever.... we just stopped talking and I haven't seen him/reached out since. 13 years ago lol. I have no time for messy situations, or on and off romance. Its on a case by case basis and I have judged right so far.

 

[Fine 4s]

I'm cool with almost all of my exes. Anyone in my 20s doesn't count anymore at my age lol