Is there a ladylike way to get a man to pop the question?

Lurkee

Lurkee

Well-Known Member
I am slightly ashamed to post this but it has been bothering me for the past 2 months.

I have been with my boyfriend 6 years. We spent 5 of those studying in university. Now we are both working but in separate cities. We talk about marriage a lot. He tells me he wants to be with me but he is yet to ask the question. We are fairly young 23 & 25. Lately, he has applied to jobs in my city and has a few interviews lined up so he is keen on moving. How do I get him to ask the question without sounding like I am proposing?

Lately he has been hinting a lot and we even talked ring styles but no show. Do I just need to be patient? I would hate for us to reach 7 years without him committing to me. We are in love and our parents have even met each other. I am going on another family holiday with his family in June but I am seriously starting to get annoyed.

Any advice?
 
Just wait it out. You dont want to pressure him, because it might scare him. When hes ready he will let you know. He could be waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect ring or the perfect place. Keep us updated
 
I agree with the ladies. Because you both are so young, I can understand his slowness. Perhaps he is trying to get his finances together? Good luck I hope he does it this year.

If he doesn't you will have to ask yourself if you can wait another few years if not...
 
Be patient and don't think too much into it. You have been together for a long time, yes, but you both are very young so that balances off the time span imo.
 
Thanks for the reply everyone. It is just hard to be patient with our families asking when we will and I am starting to get embarrassed.

I will try to not talk about it anymore with him and just see what happens by the end of the year.
 
I would have a conversation about it. I don't believe in waiting and hoping.

If he's given you some kind of timeline or some idea of what his plans are then I would be ok with that. If it's just "some day" then no, he would have to be more specific.

You also need to have in mind how badly you want to be married, how long you're willing to wait for him, and what you will do if his timeline doesn't match up with yours.
 
Sit down and have a talk with him.....a real talk with him. It's not about just proposing but seeing if he is actually married minded. I see women who have been "engaged" for like 6 years. But the man just gave them a ring to "shut them up" and their relationship still ain't went no where :nono: (no offense to anyone). So it's not just about getting a ring, but you need a vision for yall relationship, a plan. You don't wanna look up and it's 5 years and nothing has changed. You dont have to make a man propose to you sweetie, If he wants to marry you, he will. But you need to know when will that be, and if you don't wanna wait that long, then you have a decision to make.
 
I don't believe in waiting when you know exactly what you want. If you were unsure about marriage, I'd say wait.

In this situation, I personally would have a straightforward conversation about it. No games, no subtle hints, and no ultimatums. Tell him want you want and see how he reacts and acts. Then don't keep bringing it up and nagging. If he doesn't propose in the next 6 months to a year after the convo, you can make some decisions from there.

I did this with my dh. We had a 1 year old baby and were shacking at the time. However, once life started settling down I knew I wanted to be married. I told him. He proposed 6 months later and we were married a few months after that. I was 20 years old and he's was 22.

Ya'll young, but you aren't teens.

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Yes you all have been together for a long time but you are both very young. I don't think you should help rush things, but I do think you should have a serious talk with him about your expectations.
 
I guess this depends on whether you want the princess moment?

Me and SO agreed a timeline, so as long as we are still happy and feel 100% sure in a set number of months then we will get engaged. It's not exactly romantic lol, but I'm nearly 30 and not really into wait and see.:look:

Your SO sounds like he may propose soon and you are pretty young (university priorities), so I understand the 6 years. If you want the princess/surprise moment then you could wait. Because he's only started talking about it lately, you may miss out on that if he's planning a surprise.

Otherwise, you could bring up the fact you've been talking about marriage and that you would be interested in figuring out a timeline. I don't think you should let any annoyance come out though. After all its not his fault that your families wont shut up about it, which is probably making you feel worse :lol: Personally I understand that famillies get excited, but I think it's quite pressurizing to ask about marriage and babies repeatedly:perplexed
 
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No need to be ashamed, OP!!! To answer your question, no, there's not a way (ladylike or otherwise) to "get" a man to propose; "the question" is his to ask and only he can ask it. Now, what you can (and should, IMO) do is make sure you all agree on where your relationship is headed and when it will get there. You say you frequently talk about marriage, during those conversations, have either of you ever said when you'd like to get married? To me, it just sounds like the two of you have different timetables and need to get on the same page.
 
:hug2: This must be emotionally hard for you. You don't want to rush things when he seems to be heading down that road anyway, but yet you don't want to waste your young,pretty years with someone that isn't serious about marriage when you are, then there's the pressure from the families.:nono:

You've given him to the end of the year so don't mention it again. Even if he brings it up. Just listen, agree and keep it moving. You may want to reconsidering family gatherings. It muddies the emotional waters. It's not like they haven't met you before and believe me they will ask about marriage every time you're together, it's hurtful and embarrassing.

The worst thing I did was get involved with the ex's family. We were together 2 years. The 3rd year he gave me a shut up ring. At the end of that year he broke up with me. (The best thing to ever happen to me-didn't feel like it then though) While I'm depressed,mourning and trying to dig my way out his family puts his sister up to calling me and asking me what happened. I explained he broke up with me and I guess he didn't love me and then I hung up on her. I was already hurt and she was pressing me for a reason.:nono:
Later I found out they weren't blaming me but they were thinking he was on the dl.:lol:
 
Also, I am so glad you asked this question! Don't be embarrassed! ;)

One more thing I want to add. I am 41 turning 42 this year. It seriously feels like only a few years ago that I was in my 20s. Older women warned me all the time about how fast the years go by. Take heed. They were right.

No need to rush, but don't wait another 6 years for him to figure things out.

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I hear you ladies but short of saying to him that I want to get married to him which means I am proposing then I don't know what to say. Can I get some examples?

He talks the talk (talks about buying a place together, having children, being together everyday, etc.) but he is currently not walking the walk.

Like I said, we live in separate cities, so his focus has been getting us to be in the same city. It will be a shame to let go of an amazing relationship because of this but I will consider it at our 7 years anniversary. My cousin was crazy about a guy but she did not think he was ready to marry her and they broke up and now she is getting married this year to another guy.
 
Lurkee I told my dh that I want to be married.

I didn't propose to him. My memory is a little murky, but I don't think I gave him a time line. I just said 'I want to be married. What do you want? Do you see yourself marrying me? Ok, when? I love you with all my heart and want to continue to build a life with you and our son, but I refuse to play like we're married'.

It's hard to type it out. Sounds like I was angry, but I wasn't. I was nonchalant and got my point across. Another thing I did was to begin mentally prepping to leave the relationship. Sounds extreme I know, but I'm stubborn and headstrong when I need to be. I wanted marriage. Not a promise of one day maybe when he got around to it. I think he picked up on this and hurried up and married me! :lol:

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Just ask him straight up. This is a guy you say you want to marry, right? You should be able to talk to him about your concerns, even difficult topics. Hopefully you two communicate well, and if not, no time like the present to start working on it.
 
Lurkee- DH and I established that each other was "the one" about 6 months after we'd started dating (I was in my mid-20s and he was in his mid-30s). During the course of that conversation, we talked about when we wanted to get married/what had to happen before we got married. DH proposed 7 months after that conversation (but I knew it was coming because I'd picked out my ring several months prior). It can be a difficult topic because we're led to believe that this part of the relationship is all about romance, but in reality, there are practical concerns that are PERFECTLY OK to address DIRECTLY. :yep:
 
I think you had the right idea of giving him until the end of the year. You're still quite young but at the end of the year you'll be another year older and it will be 7 years for the two of you. I think it would be quite reasonable to have the talk then seeing he's trying to move closer to you. Maybe buying a decent ring, travel expenses for interviews, moving cost,etc... is alittle too much for him right now.
Unless there's something else gnawing at you that you haven't mentioned he seems like he's getting there.
 
OP I would tell him that I would like to know more precisely when he wants to marry me. Something like: I know you said you want me to be your wife and you want to have a family, etc. and you know I want the same, but I would like for us to plan on this together. I don't need to be surprised. I would prefer that we discuss our plans together and set a timeline that works for both of us.

After so many years I don't see any reason for you to beat around the bush or keep waiting. I do not like that you are starting to feel embarrassed about the situation either. His response will give you a better feel of where his head is. He can take the lead from there. I'm surprised he hasn't already proposed and that you two haven't already set a timeline to live in the same city. And to be honest I'm not sure I'd go on a family vacation without being engaged either. That doesn't sit right with me. You are the prize and I'm wondering why he isn't trying to lock you down. I would not wait until the end of the year either. Trying to stay quiet for 10 months? I think I would use the family vacation as a jumping off point. Let him know you feel funny about going on another family vacation without being engaged.
 
he seems to be letting you know what his plans are but have you let him know what your plans are?

it seems like the ball is in his court--notify him of your future plans and he will respond..."sweetheart i am ready to settle down and get married"
 
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Hi Lurkee... to get a proposal a man needs INSPIRATION, NOT OBLIGATION, (despite your 6 year relationship.) It sounds like you're seeking the exact language to use.

Here's my suggestion, say "I love you, and while I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you, I understand that may not be what you want, but it’s what I want."

Say nothing more after that because you don't want to start nagging or enter "convincing mode." I recently wrote about very topic on my site. http://motorcitymoxie.com/mixed-signals/ I hope this serves you.
 
maginethat said:
Hi Lurkee... to get a proposal a man needs INSPIRATION, NOT OBLIGATION, (despite your 6 year relationship.) It sounds like you're seeking the exact language to use.

Here's my suggestion, say "I love you, and while I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you, I understand that may not be what you want, but it’s what I want."

Say nothing more after that because you don't want to start nagging or enter "convincing mode." I recently wrote about very topic on my site. http://motorcitymoxie.com/mixed-signals/ I hope this serves you.
Click to expand...

maginethat great advice and you are a gorgeous woman.
 
I told DH abt a year into our relationship that i was not going to b his girlfriend for 5 years. He proposed after 3.

Just gotta let them know what u expect and let them work it out. Its hard to wait somtms, i know. Im sure he knows what u want :)
 
The most ladylike way is to be direct.

Some men think a woman will wait as long as possible before the guy proposes because she loves him so much. Think again is always my reaction. I know SEVERAL women who are/were in relationships for 10+ years. Only one got married eventually. The others broke up, still engaged (read: no marriage on the horizon), etc. The ones who broke up regret every year they spent waiting. The one still waiting is in denial. The one who got married had one kid with him and another on the way so that explains that.

Being direct also relieves your anxiety. If you don't talk about it, you will grow resentful about the ENTIRE situation and that is bad for any relatioship. Then, he won't know the source of your pent up displeasure. Then, he would get an attitude and it would not bode well.

Be direct about a flexible timeline. If he is working now, he can afford a ring. You could then spend the next two+ years planning the wedding while he looks for and gets a job. I have had friends who did just that. Not having a job lined up is not a reason, in and of itself, to preclude planning a future together.
 
Tell him what you expect and watch his reaction.

He may not want to propose since he doesn't live in the area and he has no job lined up. I think it's wise on his part. It can be emasculating for a man to take a wife and then not be able to support her.

Have you considered moving to his city?
 
I'm not married but I have two sisters that are. The first one told her dh that she intends to be married before her 30th birthday. They got married this past summer. She just turned 29. The other sister told her dh that she wasn't giving him longer than 3 years to propose. He did after one year. Basically be direct and make yourself clear that he does not have another 6 years or even 2 for that matter. Being that you guys have already started the discussion I think you have little to worry about.
 
The best way is to be direct but not demanding. It's very different to say "We need to be married by X time", as opposed to "I see us being married by this time. What do you think?" This will help him see that you are more interested in being with him as opposed to just getting a ring and his answer will help you understand what he's thinking. He may very well be worried about not only affording a nice ring but helping to pay for a wedding.

Also don't get too caught up in the whole "having a wedding" thing. Weddings are great and it's nice fantasizing about all the things that go along with it, but after the wedding you have to be married. I'm sure you can read through the married ladies thread and see that it's a lot of work and life will throw all kinds of things your way. Think on that and prepare to be a wife so by the time he does propose you'll be good to go! :yep:
 
emada makes a good point. How important is it for you to have a big ring and an expensive wedding? Do you want him to wait until he can afford that, or would you rather be married in whatever way you can afford right now?

You should be clear about your expectations because it's possible that he feels like he can't afford to get married, when the reality is, you can get married for almost no money if being married is what's most important to you. And it is possible to have a nice wedding on a tight budget.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
emada makes a good point. How important is it for you to have a big ring and an expensive wedding? Do you want him to wait until he can afford that, or would you rather be married in whatever way you can afford right now?

You should be clear about your expectations because it's possible that he feels like he can't afford to get married, when the reality is, you can get married for almost no money if being married is what's most important to you. And it is possible to have a nice wedding on a tight budget.
Click to expand...

You are right and a few of the ladies upthread have touched on this. Unfortunately, my expectations are high and maybe this scares him. When we talked rings, I pointed out a 4 carat one and told him I like the design :look:

I think I need to let him know that I do not actually care about those things and just want to be with him to a certain extent.

naturalmanenyc, I am not considering his city because he lives in London and I do not want to live there. Also, I am on a work visa with my current company and it is not easy to change jobs on that.

I know we will be better off in my city as it is way cheaper for buying a house and it is generally much friendlier.

Thank you all for the advice.
 
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