Is my mom being superficial and/or concerned about my well being?

[klassykutie]

I just recently got engaged officially. We have been "engaged" since late last year, but he is just now getting my ring this month. We have been discussing marriage for so long, and we both knew it was something we wanted to do. We agreed that we would get married a year after he had given me a ring cause if you can't afford even an inexpensive ring, you can't afford to start your life as one.

Anyway, this is nothing new to my mom either. I have always discussed these ideas with my mom. She never seemed excited, but she supports me. I know she wants me to go ahead and begin law school, which I am working on now. Well, my fiance spoke with her and asked for my hand in marriage before he asked me.

Now, we have been dating for four years. We have had our ups and downs, but he loves me and respects me and that is more important to me than anything. We are both in the church and we started counseling earlier last year. As a matter of fact he has always been more excited about getting married than I had been before. i was in school and doing my own thing. I have matured since we first started dating as has he.

Well, now my mom is acting unhappy. Anytime I talk to her about wedding details, she starts asking me about how we are going to pay for this and pay for that. I spoke to my fiance about this and what it could possibly be. So I decided that I wouldn't really say that much about our wedding to her cause anytime I do, she starts asking me all these crazy questions.

So, today I finally asked her what the problem was cause she asked me how was he going to take care of me and who was going to pay bills and on and on. I will be 25 and he will be 30 when we marry. I graduated last year and am working on entering law school. He is still working on his undergrad degree cause he quit school years ago to play pro ball. He had to use nearly all the money he had playing ball to cover his moms medical expenses due to numerous surgeries for lupus. I wasn't with him when he had alot of money. He works and he is getting back on track pursuing a career as a coach and I am proud of him.

I am sad cause I feel as though she should be supporting me more. She should know that I will accept nothing but the best, but at the same time I would rather have someone who respects me and loves me than someone with tons of money. We both are working on doing better financially and he has helped me financially at times where he couldn't afford to do it.

Would she behave differently if he were still playing ball? Is this normal behavior? I pray about it, but it disturbs me a great deal.

 

[Mortons]

I can completely understand your mother wanting to know that her baby is being taken care of. Even though you can provide for yourself, that feeling of someones husband 'taking care of them' will never disappear. I'm sure most mothers want for their daughters to be with someone who is able to provide, especially since your fiance is older than you.

I would say try to have a heart to heart with her and both of you should express your feelings honestly. Reassure her that he and you intend on being responsible, and that you 'have a handle on things', so to speak.


Congratulations and be blessed!

 

[PrincessDiva]

I think she may be just concerned for you. She knows all too well that its not easy making it in this world. If otherwise your relationship with your mom is good, then she probably just wants to makes sure you are going to be well taken care of...Also is your mom a single parent? Sometimes as single parents moms tend to be the "protectors" as well. Sometimes its hard for parents ( especially moms) to let go & let someone else take care of what they have been caring for for many years. If he does a good job of providing for you after you are married, she will probably ease up. Try to look at her point of view. HTH

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Congratulations!! Kudos to you for going to counseling with your FH. Smart move.

First, please allow me to say that often we have a vision that others don't see. This has happened to me countless times, and I just have to remain mindful that God often gives gifts/visions/foresight to ME...not to friends & family so they won't always understand why I'm so set on doing a certain thing or doing it a certain way. Regardless, they usually understand everything after the fact. Your mother just may not see the vision right now.

Second, please consider empty nest syndrome. Even if you haven't lived with her recently, you're still "leaving" and getting married. This is a huge step for you, and your relationship with everyone in your life will be affected by this union. Perhaps your mother is just melancholy at the thought of not having you in the same capacity. Sometimes these feelings manifest themselves as negativity when in fact, it's sadness, insecurity or fear.

Third, when we're in love, we think "everything will be alright" because we're in love. People on the outside looking in don't usually see things through our lens because they're not walking on cloud nine with us. However, if I were you, I'd be thanking my mother for caring enough to ask those questions. She obviously is concerned about your financial well-being both before and after the wedding, and that's actually a good thing, IMO. Do you know where the money is coming from for everything? Can you afford the wedding you want? Can you afford to start married life right now? These are important questions to ask, and your mom may feel as though you haven't given them enough consideration.

Fourth, considering the details of your situation that you shared, if I were your mom, I'd be concerned too. If she doesn't see where the money is coming from, it's easy for her to assume that you don't either. If you sat her down and explained that you had seriously considered the financial implications of a wedding/marriage and assured her that your fiance' has the financial means to support a wife, she may feel differently and be more prone to rejoice with you. From what you posted, the answers to those questions are not obvious so I don't blame your mother for keeping your best interest at heart. I would entertain those questions she's asking, and be sure that the two of you are financially able to handle marital responsibilities. I noticed that you said she "should" know that you wouldn't accept anything less than the best...have you told her this? Communication can not be taken for granted, especially in a situation like this. You should tell her what you're feeling and not assume that she knows just because you're her child.

Fifth, if you've prayed over this, why are you still worried?? It's counterproductive to do both. Either have faith that your prayers are being answered and God is on your side or enjoy free range with worry...but don't do both. It's a waste. Be mindful of things that you can control and things you can't. We can NOT control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Therefore, it's in our best interest to be sure we are doing everything we can to control what we can...ourselves.

Best wishes!

{DI}

 

[PrincessDiva]

Great advice DivineInspiration...very well said!!

 

[klassykutie]

Yes, thank you all for your postings. I have considered these things that have been said, before I spoke with her about this. My problem however is this.....

My mom was recently remarried herself after being single for about 11 years. She was unemployed and had the wedding she wanted.

I say my mom seems superficial because our relationship over the years have been rocky because of her thoughts of how I should spend my money. I have always been responsible, have great credit, am doing all the things I need to do to fulfill what i need to for my life. I have held off alot of my own endeavors in order to help her pay her bills because about 5 years ago she decided to leave her job because of pride and start her own business. Instead of considering the impact this would have on her life she took a leap that has her unemployed to this day.

She has had a rough life yes and I have been witness to it. This is how I know what I want in life and am constantly doing more to strive for better. I love my mother, yes, and I appreciate her more than anything as I understand and do not underestimate a mother's concern for their child. But I have seen a greedy side to my mother. I have taken care of myself since I graduated from high school, and a few years ago moved back with her to help her with her expenses. She is frustrated now cause she is still unemployed(by choice because she won't except less than a certain income) and working on her PhD is slowing her progress of getting the job she wants. She shops, shops, shops, and I can't shop cause I am helping her pay bills.

I spoke with her about the dress I picked out and she thought I was paying too much, but it was the exact same cost of the dress she bought for her wedding. She is asking me about my budget every five minutes, but I don't think any of that is relevent to her if she is not being asked to contribute. I just feel like maybe she wouldnt be behaving this way if my fiance were a millionaire. I just feel like the way I am being treated is more important than anything else. I am very realistic about money cause my fiance and I discuss this all the time and work on savings, etc. I am just confused.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Well, this may sound a bit harsh, but you've been enabling her. You have no one to be mad at but yourself because had you not been allowing her to use you as a crutch, she wouldn't have had a choice but to find a job and take care of herself. Unless she has an illness that keeps her from working, there's no reason for an able-bodied adult to not be working. Her choice not to work but still shop and your choice to support this habit are what have gotten you where you are now. She's probably worried that you'll no longer be able to support HER. If you're funneling money into a wedding and your own life, where will her shopping money come from? On top of that, you won't be living with her anymore once you're married (I'm assuming) so I'm sure that's an issue as well.

She probably wants you to have a man to take care of you because A) She wants you to still be able to take care of her, and B) SHE wants a man to take care of her and wants the same for you.

This is speculation being that I don't know your mother personally, but from what you've said, these are the things that jump out at me. If she can't properly handle money herself, she's not in a position to give financial advice, regardless of how good her intentions are.

Again, I say a long talk needs to be had because she may not be aware of how you feel or how obvious these things are.

 

[klassykutie]

Well, this may sound a bit harsh, but you've been enabling her. You have no one to be mad at but yourself because had you not been allowing her to use you as a crutch, she wouldn't have had a choice but to find a job and take care of herself. Unless she has an illness that keeps her from working, there's no reason for an able-bodied adult to not be working. Her choice not to work but still shop and your choice to support this habit are what have gotten you where you are now. She's probably worried that you'll no longer be able to support HER. If you're funneling money into a wedding and your own life, where will her shopping money come from? On top of that, you won't be living with her anymore once you're married (I'm assuming) so I'm sure that's an issue as well.

She probably wants you to have a man to take care of you because A) She wants you to still be able to take care of her, and B) SHE wants a man to take care of her and wants the same for you.

This is speculation being that I don't know your mother personally, but from what you've said, these are the things that jump out at me. If she can't properly handle money herself, she's not in a position to give financial advice, regardless of how good her intentions are.

Again, I say a long talk needs to be had because she may not be aware of how you feel or how obvious these things are.

No, its not harsh, Divine. You have given me some new insight. I greatly appreciate that. I appreciate all the input from everyone.

I just don't want to sound like I am being inconsiderate. I mean, there is only so much I can type, but, this is the only way I can sum it up without typing a memoir, lol. Her husband gives her money for a majority of her bills. But she has alot of bills. I felt that it was my duty as her child to help her , but I have put my boundaries on it. However, it bothers me that she "won't accept any job" cause it is not what she wants to be doing. In my mind, no matter if I have an M.D., if I got to work at Wal-Mart, I will do just that to make the money I need to. It is just what I said though, I just don't see how someone can constantly buy stuff and then complain about not having money, and then when I am preparing for a wedding, everything is questioned. My future in-laws are not rich here, (they are in Nigeria), but they want us to have a nice wedding. I am being realistic, and we are preparing ourselves for married life. No we are not wealthy, but we know the expectations of marriage. And if we can't afford it this year, we will put it off. I have explained all of this with my mother. I hope this offers a clearer explanation of how I feel.

 

[Sweet C]

I have to agree with DI, you are enabling her. She has depended on you for so long, and now that you are getting married, she knows that this will change and then she won't be able to depend on you financially, b/c you will have your own family, let alone law school to deal with. I think this is a good time to set appropiate boundaries, and your fiance' needs to do the same as well.

When I got engaged, I was suprised about certain people in my family who had so much to say about me getting married, my fiancee (now DH), our lives, etc. that I had to draw a line and so did he. Now people know their boundaries and when they try to blur them, we have no problem letting them know its not of their concern. I have to admit that I had a harder time with this than my DH, but through prayer and presented a united front, we have had very little issues when it comes to family and/or friends.

 

[chocolatemom_of_3]

No, its not harsh, Divine. You have given me some new insight. I greatly appreciate that. I appreciate all the input from everyone.

I just don't want to sound like I am being inconsiderate. I mean, there is only so much I can type, but, this is the only way I can sum it up without typing a memoir, lol. Her husband gives her money for a majority of her bills. But she has alot of bills. I felt that it was my duty as her child to help her , but I have put my boundaries on it. However, it bothers me that she "won't accept any job" cause it is not what she wants to be doing. In my mind, no matter if I have an M.D., if I got to work at Wal-Mart, I will do just that to make the money I need to. It is just what I said though, I just don't see how someone can constantly buy stuff and then complain about not having money, and then when I am preparing for a wedding, everything is questioned. My future in-laws are not rich here, (they are in Nigeria), but they want us to have a nice wedding. I am being realistic, and we are preparing ourselves for married life. No we are not wealthy, but we know the expectations of marriage. And if we can't afford it this year, we will put it off. I have explained all of this with my mother. I hope this offers a clearer explanation of how I feel.

First off, congratulations. I am new to this walk of faith, but have watched first-hand the situation you are in. As a previous poster said, you have enabled your mother. It is not your responsibility to care for her when she is perfectly capable of caring for herself. if she was incapaciated, that would be a different story. But she is consciously making poor decisions about her life, without consulting those who end up paying for her mistakes. You need to cut her off immediately (financially), or her dependency on you will quickly take a negative toll once you and your fiance become husband and wife.

As to her behavior regarding your upcoming nuptials, I believe she is a 'hater'. She wants you to continue doing what you've been doing, and she can see the well is about to go dry. If her attitude was truly about concern for your well-being, the questions would be more thoughtful and better worded. At least that's my take.

As for your wedding, do not put off a weddin b/c of money. The only important requirement you set forth has been fulfilled, so proceed even if it is only you and your man in front of the pastor. The commitment being made is what is key----not the pomp and circumstance that may or may not accompany it.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

She is your mom....the bible says in Ephesians 6:1 "honor your mother and father..." not because they do the right thing, but because of their position as parents. I feel this way, when we become adults, we naturally make our own decisions and do our own thing. Our parents will always be our parents. Of course they can't raise you again, but they are always (well, most parents) looking out for your best interest.

My advise...love your momma...no matter what's going on or whether she may approve of your marriage or not. You will when her over with your sweet love (the bible says..."love covers a multitude of sins), you will also be obediant to God's Word and He will honor you for it.

My mom passed away 3 years ago this Valentine's day, and let me tell you, I miss her and I wish she was here with me. We didn't always agree on everything, but she was my momma and I miss her so much.

May God's richest peace be upon you and your relationship with your mom, and may His peace also be upon your relationship with your soon to be husband. You are blessed beyond measure.

Blessings....

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Congratulations!! Kudos to you for going to counseling with your FH. Smart move.

First, please allow me to say that often we have a vision that others don't see. This has happened to me countless times, and I just have to remain mindful that God often gives gifts/visions/foresight to ME...not to friends & family so they won't always understand why I'm so set on doing a certain thing or doing it a certain way. Regardless, they usually understand everything after the fact. Your mother just may not see the vision right now.

Second, please consider empty nest syndrome. Even if you haven't lived with her recently, you're still "leaving" and getting married. This is a huge step for you, and your relationship with everyone in your life will be affected by this union. Perhaps your mother is just melancholy at the thought of not having you in the same capacity. Sometimes these feelings manifest themselves as negativity when in fact, it's sadness, insecurity or fear.

Third, when we're in love, we think "everything will be alright" because we're in love. People on the outside looking in don't usually see things through our lens because they're not walking on cloud nine with us. However, if I were you, I'd be thanking my mother for caring enough to ask those questions. She obviously is concerned about your financial well-being both before and after the wedding, and that's actually a good thing, IMO. Do you know where the money is coming from for everything? Can you afford the wedding you want? Can you afford to start married life right now? These are important questions to ask, and your mom may feel as though you haven't given them enough consideration.

Fourth, considering the details of your situation that you shared, if I were your mom, I'd be concerned too. If she doesn't see where the money is coming from, it's easy for her to assume that you don't either. If you sat her down and explained that you had seriously considered the financial implications of a wedding/marriage and assured her that your fiance' has the financial means to support a wife, she may feel differently and be more prone to rejoice with you. From what you posted, the answers to those questions are not obvious so I don't blame your mother for keeping your best interest at heart. I would entertain those questions she's asking, and be sure that the two of you are financially able to handle marital responsibilities. I noticed that you said she "should" know that you wouldn't accept anything less than the best...have you told her this? Communication can not be taken for granted, especially in a situation like this. You should tell her what you're feeling and not assume that she knows just because you're her child.

Fifth, if you've prayed over this, why are you still worried?? It's counterproductive to do both. Either have faith that your prayers are being answered and God is on your side or enjoy free range with worry...but don't do both. It's a waste. Be mindful of things that you can control and things you can't. We can NOT control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Therefore, it's in our best interest to be sure we are doing everything we can to control what we can...ourselves.

Best wishes!

{DI}

Divine...I really like reading your posts. God has truly given you much insight on these types of topics and you are very encouraging and have been given much wisdom.

May God continue to bless you in this ministry, you certainly do bless me all the time.

Blessings...

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Divine...I really like reading your posts. God has truly given you much insight on these types of topics and you are very encouraging and have been given much wisdom.

May God continue to bless you in this ministry, you certainly do bless me all the time.

Blessings...

Why thank you! I enjoy reading yours as well.

I'm certainly receiving that blessing and moving forward with my book and planning my young women's convention. Thank you much!

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Why thank you! I enjoy reading yours as well.

I'm certainly receiving that blessing and moving forward with my book and planning my young women's convention. Thank you much!

Excellent! A book and a young women's convention...awesome! I'm sure we will get together sometime in the future because my husband and I are going to begin a Young Adult Ministry.

Blessings to you, always...

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Excellent! A book and a young women's convention...awesome! I'm sure we will get together sometime in the future because my husband and I are going to begin a Young Adult Ministry.

Blessings to you, always...

Yes!! We'll have to compare notes once we've both put our structures in place. I'm planning to do the first in my hometown in Alabama and then venture to other cities. I'm SO excited about it because I know so many young women will be blessed & inspired by an experience like that.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

Yes!! We'll have to compare notes once we've both put our structures in place. I'm planning to do the first in my hometown in Alabama and then venture to other cities. I'm SO excited about it because I know so many young women will be blessed & inspired by an experience like that.

Yes, we will. Let me know when you come to the New York area. I can get some young women together to attend your conference. I know it will be awesome!

 

[Supergirl]

Congratulations!! Kudos to you for going to counseling with your FH. Smart move.

First, please allow me to say that often we have a vision that others don't see. This has happened to me countless times, and I just have to remain mindful that God often gives gifts/visions/foresight to ME...not to friends & family so they won't always understand why I'm so set on doing a certain thing or doing it a certain way. Regardless, they usually understand everything after the fact. Your mother just may not see the vision right now.

Second, please consider empty nest syndrome. Even if you haven't lived with her recently, you're still "leaving" and getting married. This is a huge step for you, and your relationship with everyone in your life will be affected by this union. Perhaps your mother is just melancholy at the thought of not having you in the same capacity. Sometimes these feelings manifest themselves as negativity when in fact, it's sadness, insecurity or fear.

Third, when we're in love, we think "everything will be alright" because we're in love. People on the outside looking in don't usually see things through our lens because they're not walking on cloud nine with us. However, if I were you, I'd be thanking my mother for caring enough to ask those questions. She obviously is concerned about your financial well-being both before and after the wedding, and that's actually a good thing, IMO. Do you know where the money is coming from for everything? Can you afford the wedding you want? Can you afford to start married life right now? These are important questions to ask, and your mom may feel as though you haven't given them enough consideration.

Fourth, considering the details of your situation that you shared, if I were your mom, I'd be concerned too. If she doesn't see where the money is coming from, it's easy for her to assume that you don't either. If you sat her down and explained that you had seriously considered the financial implications of a wedding/marriage and assured her that your fiance' has the financial means to support a wife, she may feel differently and be more prone to rejoice with you. From what you posted, the answers to those questions are not obvious so I don't blame your mother for keeping your best interest at heart. I would entertain those questions she's asking, and be sure that the two of you are financially able to handle marital responsibilities. I noticed that you said she "should" know that you wouldn't accept anything less than the best...have you told her this? Communication can not be taken for granted, especially in a situation like this. You should tell her what you're feeling and not assume that she knows just because you're her child.

Fifth, if you've prayed over this, why are you still worried?? It's counterproductive to do both. Either have faith that your prayers are being answered and God is on your side or enjoy free range with worry...but don't do both. It's a waste. Be mindful of things that you can control and things you can't. We can NOT control other people and their thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Therefore, it's in our best interest to be sure we are doing everything we can to control what we can...ourselves.

Best wishes!

{DI}

DI, you are obviously my long lost sister or something! I know this is at least the second time I have seen my thoughts in your words!

Okay... so just wanted to add that DI hit the nail all the way on the head.

 

[Nice & Wavy]

DI, you are obviously my long lost sister or something! I know this is at least the second time I have seen my thoughts in your words!

Okay... so just wanted to add that DI hit the nail all the way on the head.

Yes she did! She is awesome!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

DI, you are obviously my long lost sister or something! I know this is at least the second time I have seen my thoughts in your words!

Okay... so just wanted to add that DI hit the nail all the way on the head.

Aw gee! Thanks Supergirl! That means a lot.

Yes she did! She is awesome!

You guys are so sweet and encouraging. I appreciate the positive energy.

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

Maybe she is doubtful of your FH's ability to provide for your future family. Maybe she has it in her head that you will be a successful lawyer, and she just can't see your FH getting far as a coach. Maybe she's concerned that if he can't pay the bills then you will be forced to quit law school and give up your dreams.. I'm just guessing based on what my concern would be if i were a parent. Love and blessings!