Is Marriage for Me?

[n_lucky]

So, lately I've been wondering if I'm ever going to get married.

I'm 20 years old and I've never been in a relationship. So, I'm pretty self-reliant and used to being by myself. I do feel lonely sometimes and wish I had someone to spend time with. But I don't know how it would feel to have someone in my life 24/7 and counting on me. It seems like so much pressure.

I'm feeling pretty indifferent to marriage right now. On the one hand I hear how wonderful marriage is and then others say its so hard and takes so much work.

I feel like I have so many issues that I wouldn't want to burden another person with them (or that they wouldn't want to deal with them). I'm trying to work on myself but what if I don't ever change? I feel like I have to be pretty much perfect to get married (or to at least be happily married).

Now that I've typed this all out I think I answered my own question lol. If I'm not happy with myself I can't make another person happy.

Does anyone else feel like they shouldn't get married because of unresolved personal problems?

 

[frida1980]

Wow! Someone actually asked this question! I'm so glad, because I wondering if I was the only one that questioned this.

Trust me, I question this everyday. More so now that I'm of "marrying age." But what I think you're realizing is that your an introvert, which is by no means a bad thing at all! (I'm one too) It's strange to a lot of people that we are seldom in relationships, because we simply don't need to have people around us 24/7.

What I realized over the last 10 years, is that no one is without baggage. If a person judges you for that baggage, they don't need to be in your life. If a person loves and respects you, he'll help you deal. You're right that if you can't make yourself happy, then you'll never be happy in a relationship. But the truth is, don't focus on making yourself happy, make yourself content with your life. A degree, a job, hobbies and accomplishments do wonders for your self esteem and make you very attractive.

The most important thing I learn about marriage and relationships, is that they're not a requirement for a happy or complete life. Even if all your family and friends, claim that it's for the best and will make you happy, it's not up to them. It can only be up to you. There are many people that have never married that lead happy fulfilled lives, so don't let anyone pressure you into this. If you meet someone that makes you think of marriage, that's when you can decide if marriage is up to you.

Until then, just live your life as you see fit.

 

[ambergirl]

OP every one is loveable and deserving of love. No one is perfect and perfection is not a requirement for marriage. If everyone waited until they had resolved all of their personal problems to get married we would be living in a world of singletons!

It's great that you want to be healthy, whole, and happy because that will help you make good choices for yourself in the future, whether it's marriage or not. But, I think you are far too young to be worried about marriage at this point in your life. If I had the gift of being 20 again, I would spend my time learning about myself, who I wanted to be, and what I saw as my purpose or contribution to the world.

Personally, I believe once you've gotten some years and life experiences under you belt and greater clarity about who you are and the life you want to have, being married is better then being single. The problem is that a lot of women are chasing marriage for marriage's sake and not taking the time to choose a spouse wisely or craft a relationship that works for them. You are at a remarkable moment in your life. Please don't waste another moment thinking about your so called imperfections. The best of who I was at 20 is still with me, and the worst has pretty much faded with time and experience....that's fairly common.

If you do have genuine concerns and issues you would like to resolve, then consider investing in some counseling. But it's very possible that what you're perceiving as insurmontable flaws are just normal quirks that everybody has. You might want to check out this book, Diamonds, Pearls & Stones: Jewels of Wisdom for Young Women from Extraordinary Women of the World, because it has little nuggets of wisdom just for young women embarking on their life.

 

[carcajada]

May I ask why you've never been in a relationship?

 

[LivingDol1]

you are only 20! don't worry about marriage! you have so much life to live! and changes to undergo. maybe some of these thoughts you are having will change. or you will change.

i'm 29 and i have been asking myself why i'd want to get married. i've always known that i wanted to spend my life with my future husband... but i don't want to have children. at least that's how i feel now... but i've felt this way for a long time so i think this is just how it's going to be, nothing will change my mind.

i feel like most people who get married want to have children. most of my married friends are having children and they're only 2-3 years into their marriage... but have dated for a long time, etc. i don't want to meet someone, get married within 2-3 years and then have kids. i feel like i'd have no time for just me and my husband.... which is the only companionship i think i want.

so i feel no rush to date seriously and get married because i know that in order for that to happen, i'm going to have to meet the right guy who has the same long term life goals that i do. i want to be with someone who is content with just me and traveling the world and all of that.... and knowing that most marriage minded men want kids, i know it will be a longer wait.

anyway.... i think for you, OP, you shouldn't worry. you may not think you're that young but you really are! i agree with Ambergirl. you should get to know yourself, work on you, and enjoy being young and single! make smart choices because a lot of relationships are overrated...

 

[missusM]

hi,
what an interesting question. I used to think this when I was young too. Partly because of how ppl portrayed thier marriages. You know like, they were super clean, great cooks, had great sex, direct line to god, shoot I even heard folk at my church talking about having sex and breaking out in tongues. looool look alot of those people are now divorced, they lied and were putting on a show. they wanted some of those things and some of it was true but it wasnt the whole picture.

I waited for a long time before i felt comfortable getting married, I really do not recommend that to anyone however. What I will say is , I love my husband now, because I know who I AM. I know what kind of music I like, How i like to spend my free time, I kinda know (still getting there) what kind of decor i like, I know my style, and definately know what kind of friends I like to have around me. these are some of the things that define me, because i know them, and accept the good and bad in all aspects of my character, fully acknowledging them not trying to hide them, i was able to show that to my husband, who will readily admit that he knows me. he is the love of my life, i have never loved anyone like I love him, he gets on my nerves yes, but i would cross a thousand earths to be with him. I couldnt love him the way I do now, in my twenties because I didnt know who i was, what I was about, what I liked. I think you get my drift.


if you are an introvert, theres nothing wrong in that, so was I at 20 ( or at least it felt like I was), I rapidly became an extrovert with experience. take your time, fill your life with meaning, expand your horizons. the rest will follow.

 

[n_lucky]

If you do have genuine concerns and issues you would like to resolve, then consider investing in some counseling. But it's very possible that what you're perceiving as insurmontable flaws are just normal quirks that everybody has. You might want to check out this book, Diamonds, Pearls & Stones: Jewels of Wisdom for Young Women from Extraordinary Women of the World, because it has little nuggets of wisdom just for young women embarking on their life.

I'll definitely check that book out. Thanks!

 

[n_lucky]

May I ask why you've never been in a relationship?

I'd like to know too lol jk. I've always been reserved and quiet. But when I was about to start high school my family moved to another state. I realized that I never learned how to make friends. The friends that I had I'd known since preschool. It was also my first time in public school and that was scary. So I didn't talk to anyone unless I was spoken to and I just kept to myself. People (guys) probably thought I was shy and boring.

So...I'm still reserved. I don't initiate conversation with guys. I don't put myself out there. I'm distant with everyone though. Since my mom died, I don't let people get close to me. I guess I don't want to risk being abandoned again.

anyway.... i think for you, OP, you shouldn't worry. you may not think you're that young but you really are! i agree with Ambergirl. you should get to know yourself, work on you, and enjoy being young and single! make smart choices because a lot of relationships are overrated...

I really don't feel young lol But glad to know that I still am because the number is going up too quickly for me.

shoot I even heard folk at my church talking about having sex and breaking out in tongues.
Wow lol I have never heard that one before!


I waited for a long time before i felt comfortable getting married, I really do not recommend that to anyone however. What I will say is , I love my husband now, because I know who I AM. I know what kind of music I like, How i like to spend my free time, I kinda know (still getting there) what kind of decor i like, I know my style, and definately know what kind of friends I like to have around me. these are some of the things that define me, because i know them, and accept the good and bad in all aspects of my character, fully acknowledging them not trying to hide them, i was able to show that to my husband, who will readily admit that he knows me. he is the love of my life, i have never loved anyone like I love him, he gets on my nerves yes, but i would cross a thousand earths to be with him. I couldnt love him the way I do now, in my twenties because I didnt know who i was, what I was about, what I liked. I think you get my drift.

I would like to do the same as well. I want to develop my personality and figure out what I want.

 

[darlingdiva]

I agree with LivingDol1. You're so young & you have so much to figure out. Trust me, there are parts of your personality that have not even manifested themselves yet.

When I was younger, I swore that I was never ever---ever getting married. I was so anti-marriage because I thought I was going to "lose" myself & I viewed it as somewhat of an oppressive social construct for women. I'm married now & I've found none of my previous thoughts to be true. I haven't "lost" myself, and I'm not oppressed.

Overall, I'd say to do some introspection, but definitely give yourself time. Maybe marriage is for you & maybe it isn't. It's fine either way.

 

[NaturalRed]

Why are you worried about marriage at such a young age? I'm 30 and I still think I'm too young for that sometimes. I still have some unresolved personal issues, but nothing that would be stopping me from marriage. I'm just not ready to make that step yet. I'm enjoying me right now.

 

[princessnad]

So, lately I've been wondering if I'm ever going to get married.

I'm 20 years old and I've never been in a relationship. So, I'm pretty self-reliant and used to being by myself. I do feel lonely sometimes and wish I had someone to spend time with. But I don't know how it would feel to have someone in my life 24/7 and counting on me. It seems like so much pressure.

I'm feeling pretty indifferent to marriage right now. On the one hand I hear how wonderful marriage is and then others say its so hard and takes so much work.

I feel like I have so many issues that I wouldn't want to burden another person with them (or that they wouldn't want to deal with them). I'm trying to work on myself but what if I don't ever change? I feel like I have to be pretty much perfect to get married (or to at least be happily married).

Now that I've typed this all out I think I answered my own question lol. If I'm not happy with myself I can't make another person happy.

Does anyone else feel like they shouldn't get married because of unresolved personal problems?

Even though I encourage anyone who feels they have issues to deal with it for themselves, you would be surprised how much having a supportive, reliable partner opens you up to dealing with your own issues.

 

[Sasha299]

Marriage is not for perfect people, no one would get married if that were so.

We all have faults and we are all learning and growing everyday - marriage does not change that. I got married young (little older than you now) and am confident in who I am - I have not lost myself in my marriage but it has tempered my extremes. It has also taught me how to live for others AND myself at the same time. It has been the ultimate school in communcation, relationship management, compromise, self control and negotiation - it has taught me things that some people go to business school to learn.

For me, I only thought of marriage when I realized, though I can live and survive without DH my heart would always be missing a piece without him, how worthy he was of all of me without reserve. When I think of him, I realized how much he completes a part of my heart I did not know was incomplete.

 

[dannie]

I only speak for myself, but I've never wanted to get married. Never envisioned wearing a dress, walking down an aisle or none of that crap. I've ALWAYS wanted kids but saw myself being a single mom...and I am still very conflicted about this. I know its because I grew up in a dysfunctional household and dont understand the benefits of a happy marriage, but it is what it is.

It's only when I got older and started seeing friends marry and being on LCHF all the time, I felt the twinge a bit and started to worry if it would ever happen for me. Then I realized, I was trying mold myself into what society expects of me. If I was content not desiring a marriage (despite the reason) all this time, why switch now? Or try to convience myself its something I really want?

I'm glad that at 20, your actually questioning if its for you rather than blindly going along with what other people tell you the benefits are. But if Mr. Right does come into your life, I'm sure you'll know what to do.

I still believe that being married means a)more stress b)more housework for me c)more drama. I still believe very few men actively parent their children. I honestly just dont see the point, but I havent ruled it out completely.

 

[n_lucky]

Why are you worried about marriage at such a young age? I'm 30 and I still think I'm too young for that sometimes. I still have some unresolved personal issues, but nothing that would be stopping me from marriage. I'm just not ready to make that step yet. I'm enjoying me right now.

Lol I don't know. That's just the way I am. I'm a helpless worrywart. Always thinking about the future.

I'm glad that at 20, your actually questioning if its for you rather than blindly going along with what other people tell you the benefits are. But if Mr. Right does come into your life, I'm sure you'll know what to do.

I still believe that being married means a)more stress b)more housework for me c)more drama. I still believe very few men actively parent their children. I honestly just dont see the point, but I havent ruled it out completely.

I think this too for the most part. My sister just got married and while I love my BIL they get into frequent tifs and arguments just about daily. When I see that I think if marriage is like that then I don't want it. So I do know that if i ever get to a point in my life where marriage is an option, I don't want to be with someone who's argumentative and combative. I feel like that would stress me out to no end. I'm really mellow and don't like yelling or conflict.
Is it impossible to go long periods of time without clashing?

 

[dannie]

Lol I don't know. That's just the way I am. I'm a helpless worrywart. Always thinking about the future.



I think this too for the most part. My sister just got married and while I love my BIL they get into frequent tifs and arguments just about daily. When I see that I think if marriage is like that then I don't want it. So I do know that if i ever get to a point in my life where marriage is an option, I don't want to be with someone who's argumentative and combative. I feel like that would stress me out to no end. I'm really mellow and don't like yelling or conflict.
Is it impossible to go long periods of time without clashing?

I hate conflict, and I can not live in discord. I'm sure some couples rarely clash, but no relationship is perfect (romantic, family, etc). We live in a world of dualities. Same thing that makes you laugh is bound to make you cry. I guess you have to ask yourself "is being with this person worth all the bs?"...if your cracked out on love you'll more than likely think it is.

 

[kmn1980]

All I'll say is that marriage is an ongoing learning experience that never ends. Make sure you're ready to take that journey before you sign on the dotted line.

 

[Sade']

hi,
what an interesting question. I used to think this when I was young too. Partly because of how ppl portrayed thier marriages. You know like, they were super clean, great cooks, had great sex, direct line to god, shoot I even heard folk at my church talking about having sex and breaking out in tongues. looool look alot of those people are now divorced, they lied and were putting on a show. they wanted some of those things and some of it was true but it wasnt the whole picture.

I waited for a long time before i felt comfortable getting married, I really do not recommend that to anyone however. What I will say is , I love my husband now, because I know who I AM. I know what kind of music I like, How i like to spend my free time, I kinda know (still getting there) what kind of decor i like, I know my style, and definately know what kind of friends I like to have around me. these are some of the things that define me, because i know them, and accept the good and bad in all aspects of my character, fully acknowledging them not trying to hide them, i was able to show that to my husband, who will readily admit that he knows me. he is the love of my life, i have never loved anyone like I love him, he gets on my nerves yes, but i would cross a thousand earths to be with him. I couldnt love him the way I do now, in my twenties because I didnt know who i was, what I was about, what I liked. I think you get my drift.

if you are an introvert, theres nothing wrong in that, so was I at 20 ( or at least it felt like I was), I rapidly became an extrovert with experience. take your time, fill your life with meaning, expand your horizons. the rest will follow.

missusM great post!

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

When I was 20 I felt the same way. I'm 30 now & I def feel I am ready for marriage & would make an extrodinary wife for someone. I'm sure you'll grow out of it as you get older because life experiences will change you. No worries.

 

[kblc06]

I feel similarly OP. And what's worse is that I get approached by generally nice marriage minded men. I feel lonely at times, but I'm such a loner that's once I'm around people for a minute I want to retreat . I find constant company burdensome, but I'm very gregarious and out-going so I'm not truly anti-social. I think I'm one of those people who will probably be ready to settle down in my 30s. I don't think I want kids, but I don't plan on having any until at least 35 anyway. That's 10 years away for me . I want to have a well established career with money saved and debt completely eliminated with ability to live and travel the world independently. That was always my dream growing up, and I'll be damned if I don't live it.

Don't get caught up in society's expectation of what you should desire. Figure out what you want in life and make a plan to work towards it, whether that's marriage or powerhouse career or both .

 

[Fine 4s]

This is part of the struggle I'm going through now except I'm +15 years your senior!

Bottom line: I would travel, learn what I like and dislike, develop a hobby, find my sexy, finish my schooling, I know this sounds silly but get my gear and style on point lol, develop friendships, learn to cook, etc.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

You're only 20 so you have plenty plenty time. There is no rush for this, but it's good that you're thinking of working on yourself; so when you are ready for marriage you will be best prepared for it.

In the mean time please keep yourself - your body as sacred as possible. If you are not in a relationship, don't share it with anyone. If you are in a relationship, share it only with someone who is worthy, who sees you as a woman who can one day be his wife. Don't portion yourself out to anyone who is undeserving on you. In the mean time work on you and when the time comes hopefully God will bless you with a deserving life partner.

 

[Royalq]

girl i know what you mean. Im 19 and never been in a relationship. Also because im very quiet and reserved. I dont make friends easily at all, as soon as i met someone i put up a barrier over my true personality. It takes me a while to get used to you and show people my true silly self. I think i scare men away because im so quiet. I was just thinking the other day if i would ever be marriage material, im pretty clean but dont like cleaning, im not a good cook, and sometimes im needy. I dont know what to do with myself, only time will tell.

 

[Lucie]

I got married at your age. The best advice I would give you is to get to know YOU. Your likes. Your dislikes. I did not read that you have children, so enjoy your life. Make the best of every moment. I was married for a long time and though I am not anymore, I would not say marriage is a pressure. It is ALL about who you are with. YES, you do depend on each other. However, it is a pleasant depending. You learn each other, grow together and still have your own time to do things apart.

Are you done with your schooling? Focus on becoming more stable. Do what makes you happy. There is NOT ONE perfect person on this earth. When you get married/involved the person should like you AS YOU ARE. If that means you like tupperware parties, crying at sad movies and laugh like a hyena, he is cool with it and actually smitten. Relationships work best when you are yourself.

 

[Maracujá]

OP every one is loveable and deserving of love. No one is perfect and perfection is not a requirement for marriage. If everyone waited until they had resolved all of their personal problems to get married we would be living in a world of singletons!

It's great that you want to be healthy, whole, and happy because that will help you make good choices for yourself in the future, whether it's marriage or not. But, I think you are far too young to be worried about marriage at this point in your life. If I had the gift of being 20 again, I would spend my time learning about myself, who I wanted to be, and what I saw as my purpose or contribution to the world.

Personally, I believe once you've gotten some years and life experiences under you belt and greater clarity about who you are and the life you want to have, being married is better then being single. The problem is that a lot of women are chasing marriage for marriage's sake and not taking the time to choose a spouse wisely or craft a relationship that works for them. You are at a remarkable moment in your life. Please don't waste another moment thinking about your so called imperfections. The best of who I was at 20 is still with me, and the worst has pretty much faded with time and experience....that's fairly common.

If you do have genuine concerns and issues you would like to resolve, then consider investing in some counseling. But it's very possible that what you're perceiving as insurmontable flaws are just normal quirks that everybody has. You might want to check out this book, Diamonds, Pearls & Stones: Jewels of Wisdom for Young Women from Extraordinary Women of the World, because it has little nuggets of wisdom just for young women embarking on their life.

Read this book a while ago and even gave it to my sister so she could read it. I kept it in my purse for a while too and would read it on my way to work, very helpful, thanks for recommending it.

 

[awhyley]

This is part of the struggle I'm going through now except I'm +15 years your senior!

Bottom line: I would travel, learn what I like and dislike, develop a hobby, find my sexy, finish my schooling, I know this sounds silly but get my gear and style on point lol, develop friendships, learn to cook, etc.

Not silly at all, because everything you listed is what I want as well. I too wondered whether personal "baggage" would hinder my ability to find a mate, (in addition to being introverted). Hopefully, I can find someone who wants to grow with me rather than expecting me to 'fall in line' with society's demands.

OP, you're only 20; you've got plenty of time. (eta: 22 y/o now, didn't realize that this thread was so old)

 

[FemmeCreole]

wonder how the op feels since she posted this over 2 years ago

 

[n_lucky]

Well I'm 23 now lol I don't expect to get married. No expectations, no disappointments. If I do meet someone then great, if not, life goes on. I just finished my last semester of college. So now I'm focusing on my career and my next steps.

I still have a lot of growing to do personally. I have a lot to deal with emotionally, mentally, and physically. I just want to focus on becoming more of the woman I would like to be and not on what I'm missing. So yeah, I'm not gonna torture myself pining for a relationship anymore.