Is it wrong to go in his email?

[movado32k1]

Ok. So I met a guy who I thought was sooo wonderful. We have known each other for year but got together a year ago. The last year has been the happiest of my life. He even came to my parents house and told them he wanted to marry me. We went to church together I talk to his mom all the time. We have dated long distance for the past year. Lately he has been acting strange and saying that maybe we need to break up because the distance is getting to him. I cried and cried because he was being so aloof. About two weeks ago he decided that we should break up. He still calls me everyday and tells me he loves me. I am going on my intership next year and I planned to go to a site that was near to him. I basically stacked all my choices to be close to him. He says dont worry because when I get there we will get married. Today I went into his email and found naked pictures of 2 women and of him that he has sent to these women who are in the same city that he is in. He sent the pic on the 6th, 22nd, 17th of last month, we broke up on the 9th of this month. I also found an email he sent to his ex a month ago, saying he was thinking about her and please call him. Which I think she did based on a more recent email. I am soooooo devistated. My problem now is that I left about $500 worth of clothes and electronics at his house over the last year. I want them back!!! He claims he will send them but I have my doubts. I dont know if I should just book a ticket and go get my stuff or what. I mean I thought he was so ideal, he was everything I ever wanted since I was a little girl and now I feel so dumb, and so numb I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. He took me to look at rings for heaven sakes!!! Really are there any good men out there or am i just dumb to think that there are? What do I do now? I dont know if I can fake like I dont know till I get my stuff back and my phone is on his bill and I have already given the number to all these internship sites to call me for interviews. HELP!!!

 

[poookie]

I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
In your case, you had suspicion, and checking the email confirmed it.

Now that you know the reason for his aloofness, you can have some sort of closure about what he did to you.

I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Tell him to send your things via mail ASAP, or you'll threaten legal action. The sooner you cut ties with him, the sooner you'll be on your way to preparing yourself for a man who is truly right for you.

 

[Xerxes]

I honestly don't think your problem is as bad as you think. He has no interest in your clothes since I doubt he can wear them. Just give the man time to send your stuff back. He's probably busy snapping pics of himself. lol Give him a date to send your stuff back by and if it's terribly expensive to send your stuff back to you, offer to cover the expenses. Also, I doubt he will cut your phone off immediately, but you should get another phone in your own name and send new contact info to your potential employers immediately.

But for the love of God, don't use your $500 worth of stuff as an excuse to spend money on a flight (at least $200+) to see old dude and confront him and end up having a "Cheaters"-type brawl.

There is absolutely no need for you to fly anywhere to pick up $500 worth of stuff. There is no need to see him again or even talk on the phone with him, just set the timeline for when he should send your stuff back and move on with your life.

I don't think you're dumb, you're just most likely young and looking for love in all of the wrong places just like most of us.

Please learn something from this situation and don't let it happen again.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

here we go...

see...when u look for shyt, u find shyt.

if u need it and can't replace it...dayum dat..be on da first thing smokin out der to getcha stuff...i wouldn't even let him know i'm comin...i'd just show up....cuz if u let him know, he'll make an excuse as to why he's not there....but be cool about it. just tell him u need for internship stuff, etc. but on da serious tip, when he started acting funny, that shoulda been a red flag. he done found some otha puddi out there, and now he wants to be a man, and play. das all. nuffin to do witchu. he prolly really does love you, so don't take it personal, but das just how men are. it's called options...something i ALWAYS have.

i think ur being to hard on urself. u can't help who u fall for, no sense in feeling dumb..it happens to da best of us playas. getcha shyt, learn from it, delete him from ur life and focus on ur future.

its somebody out there for you....

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Aww...

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this! What a shame. Some men really are jerks!

I agree with Xerxes on this. I would just forget your stuff, and let it go. You can let him know that you are still waiting for your things, but by NO means would I go hop on a plane or even drive down to where he is just for material belongings. You can always get material belongings again somewhere down the road. You can ALWAYS replace that stuff. But it's MUCH harder to get your dignity back once it's been lost.

I think you going down there would give him an ego boost no offense. It's so crazy how these men's ego's are boosted off of silly stuff.

Anyway, I would also take a job some place else FAAR away from his hometown! Please! If I'm understanding correctly ,you were thinking of looking for jobs in his area??

It's a bad idea.

Oh, and to answer your original question: Is it wrong to check a guy's e-mail??

Well, I think so...unless he's given you permission to. E-mail is private, and I wouldn't want anyone (not even my bf) checking my e-mail w/out my permission. Plus, it just opens you up to finding stuff out like this. UGh...cheating behavior. But wha'ts done is done. You can't change the past. I guess I'm glad that you found out about his cheating, no-good ways now instead of later!

Jerseygirl was right too...something wasn't right when he started acting "funny". Men are like that. Once they start acting "funny", or want to break things off with you, it usually means that they've found someone ELSE.

 

[firecracker]

Ask yourself would you want someone to go thru your personal stuff? You looked and you found. Now its time to KIM because you guys are not an item right now.

I am sorry to made plan with school to be near him w/o benefit of marriage or an engagement ring beforehand. Time and staying busy will heal your pain.

 

[Transformer]

Please calm down if you can and keep it together. Don't go chasing after $500.00 worth of stuff that has depreciated. Keep your pride intact. That will appeal to him more than a confrontation.

 

[Poohbear]

Going through his email shows a lack of trust and lack of respect for privacy. If he did not give you a password to his email account, you have no business fishing through his email regardless of how doubtful and suspicious you are of his activities. If you feel something is wrong and if he is in fact the right man for you, you both should be able to have an open communication about your concerns.

 

[Nyssa28]

Try to have the number ported over to a new carrier, that way he'll be stuck with the bill for the early termination fee. Make sure you know the account number and pin. As far as the stuff, if you want it, try to get it before you switch carriers.

 

[NaturallyBlonde]

You found what you were kind of expecting to find right? I'd leave the things, they can be replaced. If you see him, he's gonna try to get you back and so on. Just let it go.

As far as your phone goes, transfer the service to another carrier or on the same carrier, just in your own name.

Good luck!

 

[ThickHair]

If you really want to be done with him, chalk your losses up to the game and keep it moving. $500 worth of stuff is a very small amount to pay for peace of mind.

My brother gave up a fully furnished house for some peace of mind. Now he has no reason to contact his ex and it is driving her crazy. She was ready for a big blow up and he gathered up his clothes and fish and said peace out. Signed the car over to her and everything. Now she wants him to fix this and fix that. He said you wanted it now you got it stop calling me or I will call the police.

 

[MissJ]

Ok. So I met a guy who I thought was sooo wonderful. We have known each other for year but got together a year ago. The last year has been the happiest of my life. He even came to my parents house and told them he wanted to marry me. We went to church together I talk to his mom all the time. We have dated long distance for the past year. Lately he has been acting strange and saying that maybe we need to break up because the distance is getting to him. I cried and cried because he was being so aloof. About two weeks ago he decided that we should break up. He still calls me everyday and tells me he loves me. I am going on my intership next year and I planned to go to a site that was near to him. I basically stacked all my choices to be close to him. He says dont worry because when I get there we will get married. Today I went into his email and found naked pictures of 2 women and of him that he has sent to these women who are in the same city that he is in. He sent the pic on the 6th, 22nd, 17th of last month, we broke up on the 9th of this month. I also found an email he sent to his ex a month ago, saying he was thinking about her and please call him. Which I think she did based on a more recent email. I am soooooo devistated. My problem now is that I left about $500 worth of clothes and electronics at his house over the last year. I want them back!!! He claims he will send them but I have my doubts. I dont know if I should just book a ticket and go get my stuff or what. I mean I thought he was so ideal, he was everything I ever wanted since I was a little girl and now I feel so dumb, and so numb I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. He took me to look at rings for heaven sakes!!! Really are there any good men out there or am i just dumb to think that there are? What do I do now? I dont know if I can fake like I dont know till I get my stuff back and my phone is on his bill and I have already given the number to all these internship sites to call me for interviews. HELP!!!

See this is why I don't do long distance any more. You never know what these so-called men are doing. Usually men do not break up with you unless they have at least one other girl lined up willing to take your place, so keep that in mind for future reference. This guy was playing with you, stringing you along, taking you to look at rings and such. My ex did something similar, getting me acquainted with the Catholic faith so that I could convert before we got married. These men, I tell ya.

Girl put your fake face on, get your stuff back, and send your updated contact information to those places you applied to.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I agree with MissJ.

I have learned the hard way about doing these so-called "long-distance" relationships. I'm not saying that all LD can't work, but it really is tough, and a lot of times those relationships don't last...especially if either party hasn't moved or made SERIOUS plans TO move to the other's state/town soon.

If it makes anyone feel better I'll tell you guys my story:

I was involved in a two-year long-distance relationship (yea...I know ), and we would call or talk with each other quite often over the phone. We met because he had come into town to visit a mutual friend of ours.

Well, we hit things off instantly, spent some time together when he was in town, exchanged numbers, and kept in contact for two years. HOWEVER, in those two years neither of us really traveled to each other's state! He was finishing up school at the time, but still....there's no excuse really!

Later on last year I started to notice that he started to act a little "funny". He wasn't calling as often, and he stopped sharing intimate details about himself and his life. It was almost like we became "chit-chat" phone buddies. But I didn't worry because the attraction was still evident between us when we would speak over the phone.

One day, this fool called me up earlier this year in January, and although he was trying to be all fun-loving and "cool", I could tell from his voice that something was up! Idk...call it 'women's intuition' I guess.

Anyway, next thing I know... sometime in March he sends me this ranDUMB text out of the blue saying: "Hey guys...guess what?? I'm engaged!! Just proposed today!!" I almost dropped to the floor! Engaged?? It wasn't even a formal text to ME. It was a MASS-text message to his friends! Ugh! He must have been talking to his GIRLFRIEND the same time he was talking to ME! That idiot! Nobody just up and gets engaged to someone that they've only been dating for 3 months. So he was obviously talking to both of us...oh excuse me...he was "talking" to me, but "dating/courting" her. I didn't even respond to his stupid little text. What for?? Puh-leeeze!

I learned my lesson!

Then...get this...he had the nerve right before his wedding date to e-mail me in a mass e-mail asking for cell phone numbers or something since he got a new cell phone and wanted to keep in touch. Pah!! I hit "delete"! I didn't even respond. What a jerk.

Sometimes men...I wonder, do they even really THINK??

 

[ThickHair]

Anyway, next thing I know... sometime in March he sends me this ranDUMB text out of the blue saying: "Hey guys...guess what?? I'm engaged!! Just proposed today!!" I almost dropped to the floor! Engaged?? It wasn't even a formal text to ME. It was a MASS-text message to his friends! Ugh! He must have been talking to his GIRLFRIEND the same time he was talking to ME! That idiot! Nobody just up and gets engaged to someone that they've only been dating for 3 months. So he was obviously talking to both of us...oh excuse me...he was "talking" to me, but "dating/courting" her. I didn't even respond to his stupid little text. What for?? Puh-leeeze!

I would have been enraged. Not much to do to him but I would have been stewing on the inside.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

If you have to do all of that then question why you are with him. When you go looking you will find things. It never fails.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I would have been enraged. Not much to do to him but I would have been stewing on the inside.

Oh yeah...I was ticked off.

But I figured...what could I do? I was in another state anyway. It was a shame, because we got along great, and had a lot in common.

But what he did was just plain WRONG. I don't know how some of these men sleep at night!

I wanted so bad to call him up, or send him a nasty text message back in response to his "surprise engagement" text message, but I decided against it. What was the point anyway?? It would just make me look desperate and "clingy". He was already engaged, so there was nothing I could do to change it. Being nasty or telling him off would only give him the "pleasure" of knowing that he hurt me.

That's why I didn't even respond. No use. I knew he wouldn't have the guts to call me, so I just let him wonder if I had even gotten his silly little text message. I could have changed my number for all he knew. I think that's why he sent that e-mail.

*sigh* Men! lol

 

[MissJ]

Oh, and to answer your original question: Is it wrong to check a guy's e-mail??

Well, I think so...unless he's given you permission to. E-mail is private, and I wouldn't want anyone (not even my bf) checking my e-mail w/out my permission. Plus, it just opens you up to finding stuff out like this. UGh...cheating behavior. But wha'ts done is done. You can't change the past. I guess I'm glad that you found out about his cheating, no-good ways now instead of later!

Jerseygirl was right too...something wasn't right when he started acting "funny". Men are like that. Once they start acting "funny", or want to break things off with you, it usually means that they've found someone ELSE.

I don't think it's wrong. These days men could be sleeping around exposing you to diseases and such. I'd like to be informed, don't care if I'd be considered a snoop.

 

[MissJ]

I agree with MissJ.

I have learned the hard way about doing these so-called "long-distance" relationships. I'm not saying that all LD can't work, but it really is tough, and a lot of times those relationships don't last...especially if either party hasn't moved or made SERIOUS plans TO move to the other's state/town soon.

If it makes anyone feel better I'll tell you guys my story:

I was involved in a two-year long-distance relationship (yea...I know ), and we would call or talk with each other quite often over the phone. We met because he had come into town to visit a mutual friend of ours.

Well, we hit things off instantly, spent some time together when he was in town, exchanged numbers, and kept in contact for two years. HOWEVER, in those two years neither of us really traveled to each other's state! He was finishing up school at the time, but still....there's no excuse really!

Later on last year I started to notice that he started to act a little "funny". He wasn't calling as often, and he stopped sharing intimate details about himself and his life. It was almost like we became "chit-chat" phone buddies. But I didn't worry because the attraction was still evident between us when we would speak over the phone.

One day, this fool called me up earlier this year in January, and although he was trying to be all fun-loving and "cool", I could tell from his voice that something was up! Idk...call it 'women's intuition' I guess.

Anyway, next thing I know... sometime in March he sends me this ranDUMB text out of the blue saying: "Hey guys...guess what?? I'm engaged!! Just proposed today!!" I almost dropped to the floor! Engaged?? It wasn't even a formal text to ME. It was a MASS-text message to his friends! Ugh! He must have been talking to his GIRLFRIEND the same time he was talking to ME! That idiot! Nobody just up and gets engaged to someone that they've only been dating for 3 months. So he was obviously talking to both of us...oh excuse me...he was "talking" to me, but "dating/courting" her. I didn't even respond to his stupid little text. What for?? Puh-leeeze!

I learned my lesson!

Then...get this...he had the nerve right before his wedding date to e-mail me in a mass e-mail asking for cell phone numbers or something since he got a new cell phone and wanted to keep in touch. Pah!! I hit "delete"! I didn't even respond. What a jerk.

Sometimes men...I wonder, do they even really THINK??

Something similar happened to a girl at my school. I remember during law school orientation, the girls were talking about their boyfriends. These would be long distance relationships now. Since I'd been there, done that, I knew they wouldn't have boyfriends for long. Anyway, this girl was talking all about her boyfriend. He was her boyfriend the whole year, and right before summer he proposed to someone else. I wasn't too shocked when I heard, because from that it seems like he wasn't her boyfriend in the first place, at least not in his mind. The girl was devastated.

 

[pookaloo83]

I checked my ex's email before. I felt something wasn't right. I looked and saw that he was emailing a girl back and forth. Obviously they have been dating for a while. We lived 4 hrs away. So I called him and he didn't pick up. My sis as in his hometown with friends and has only met him once. Tell me why she called me and said, 'I see your man in the mall. And he's walking with some girl.' She says they're not holding hands but they are clearly together. I called him right away and I get no answer. What are the chances that my sis saw him in the mall with the girl! That was a sign right there. I called him and he finally picks up. He told me he was at a friends house when he was clearly at the mall. I told him what he had on and everything. Then he started stuttering. Smh.

 

[movado32k1]

Thanks. You are right I just wanted him to lie to my face I guess. No I am not young I am almost 30. This is just the first guy I ever truely saw myself with for life. We have known each other for 9 years.I have been thinking all day about this. He actually just called me and I acted like everything was cool and asked him to send me my stuff by the end of the week. He became annoyed that I asked him to send my stuff again......Oh well.

 

[ThickHair]

Thanks. You are right I just wanted him to lie to my face I guess. No I am not young I am almost 30. This is just the first guy I ever truely saw myself with for life. We have known each other for 9 years.I have been thinking all day about this. He actually just called me and I acted like everything was cool and asked him to send me my stuff by the end of the week. He became annoyed that I asked him to send my stuff again......Oh well.

Sis, let it go. Let the stuff go, it is not worth it.

 

[movado32k1]

I want to tell him that I know. Part of me wants him to know that he did not get away with his cheating. What do you think? And I want to email all the girls each others pics too. But I won't do that. But I want to. I just want him to hurt like I am hurting!!!!

 

[MissJ]

He will deny it. I busted my ex through e-mail, too, and all he did was deny, deny, deny. I didn't e-mail the other girls either. I just let it go, and he became miserable after realizing that all of the fun he was having with others was not worth losing me. Your guy will probably try to come back to you once you totally leave him alone, too.

 

[movado32k1]

Thanks that is what I will do but I could never trust him again so I will just walk away and let him be happy with his women.

 

[JinaRicci]

I want to tell him that I know. Part of me wants him to know that he did not get away with his cheating. What do you think? And I want to email all the girls each others pics too. But I won't do that. But I want to. I just want him to hurt like I am hurting!!!!

So sorry you are going through this. Don't push for your stuff-it lets him know how impt they are to you- just be patient and if you must confront him wait till you have them back. Have him stop calling you with all these ILYs & stop the snooping -it only makes your heartache worse. I know you want to get back at him but believe me the best revenge really is living well. Oh and ITA with everything Xerxes said.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks. You are right I just wanted him to lie to my face I guess. No I am not young I am almost 30. This is just the first guy I ever truely saw myself with for life. We have known each other for 9 years.I have been thinking all day about this. He actually just called me and I acted like everything was cool and asked him to send me my stuff by the end of the week. He became annoyed that I asked him to send my stuff again......Oh well.

Wait a second... He broke up with YOU, and he's still calling you??

Shoot...if a guy broke up with ME, I would ignore at least 3 of his calls before answering. As I figure, he didn't want me enough to keep me, so he shouldn't be trying to call me so soon after a break-up.

But I digress....

Yeah, I kind of agree w/everyone else though. I would just let the stuff go. I know the feeling when you want him to suffer just like you did, and you want him to hurt badly for it. But in the long run, it doesn't really solve anything.

But if you want to get revenge, then that's up to you. But if you ask me he's not even worth the time. It sounds to me like he's trying to keep you hanging on the "side" as a "backup", while he lives it up with many different women in his home town. Hence...the phone calls and the "I love you's". Men just can't make a clean break! They always call back or try to contact you at some point or another. Almost like they have to be CERTAIN that they have a safety net , or a "fallback plan".

 

[onyxdreams]

Move on,please chalk it up to experience and that is the price of learning. Are you willing to add to your expenses,by buying a plane ticket,possibly put yourself in danger,just to get your things.leave it the way it is.

 

[Radianthealth]

Yes it is wrong

 

[blasianbeauty]

Let's be real here. You don't want to go back for that "stuff", you want to go back for reassurance...to see if he'll keep begging you back and tell you how much he loves you. And then when you confront him with the emails and naked pics, he will make up an excuse...you'll fall for it and then POOF - you are still with him. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on. Tell him to donate the stuff, you don't want any of it back and start clean today. The longer he knows you want your things back, that's leaving an excuse/option for him to call just to make sure you're still hanging around. It took $500 to get rid of him...look at it like that.

 

[sharentu]

Let's be real here. You don't want to go back for that "stuff", you want to go back for reassurance...to see if he'll keep begging you back and tell you how much he loves you. And then when you confront him with the emails and naked pics, he will make up an excuse...you'll fall for it and then POOF - you are still with him. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on. Tell him to donate the stuff, you don't want any of it back and start clean today. The longer he knows you want your things back, that's leaving an excuse/option for him to call just to make sure you're still hanging around. It took $500 to get rid of him...look at it like that.

i could not have said it any better. OP dont look back keep moving.