Is it settling?

chocolatedoll18

chocolatedoll18

New Member
If this amazing guys have some "issues" that you said you didnt want?

So i met this guy who i really like and i think is a wonderful guy, but there are two things that im not sure i agree with. He has two children one of whom is the child of his baby mother's previous relationship, not biologically his, but he wants to be in his life anyway. the second issue is he doesnt want to go back to school. He has what he calls a good job, owns his house and car, but i will definitely be making more than him once i graduate.

Backstory: I just ended a relationship with a guy who had a child and who wasnt in school and said i wouldnt do it again. Other factors broke us up btw.

But this new guy is so great i told him i need time to figure out what i want before i get in a relationship because i feel like i might be settling for something i said i dont want. Should i grab this guy because of his other great qualities or should i go try to find a guy who has most of the qualities i want?
 
It is settling if he is not really what you want and you are just with him because you think you can't find anyone better.

You can find someone who is on equal footing with you and you won't have to wonder.

If children and education are dealbreakers for you don't sacrifice just cause he's "nice" otherwise.
 
Any time you agree to getting less than you feel you deserve, you're settling. I always say that if you have to convince yourself to date someone and overlook things then he's not the person for you.
 
Yes, you're settling, unless you really want to date a guy who is not very ambitious and takes care of another man's child including his own.

I would look for someone who share my goals and ambitions, if you were unhappy with your ex not wanting to go back to school, why would you be happy with another dude who lack the same ambition?
 
Great advice ladies. I do feel like I can find better I just felt like I found something so great already that I felt like I would be a fool to continue looking but after reading yall's advice I realize I should go for what I really want and change my way of thinking.
 
Op your story = settling. Stop trying to conform a man into what you want him to be and just wait to be connected with the right man in which you won't want to change a thing.
 
Hummm....lets see. He is taking care of a child that is not biologically his, owns his own car, home and has a good job. In other words, he's responsible and is a provider. Ok.

*chewin bubble gum*

Bear wif me cuz momma tryna quit smokin dem newports...i digressed for a minute there*

*pop*

But anywho...so u just met him and he is wonderful. Tell me something. If Mr. Wonderful did not have children, no home, car, good job and was in school and had the earning potential to make LESS money than what you will possibly make, living in a studio apt or worse, with his mom, would you still date Mr. Wonderful?

Not trying to get you to change your standards, but I'm asking. What if he did say he wanted to go back to school in his situation?


*chews n pops gum*
 
Ive been in the same exact situation & it is VERY hard to not settle!

My boyfriend...now ex broke up with me recently & everything was completely fine between us so the break up caught me off guard :perplexed.

When i analyzed what could have went wrong (i tried not blaming myself but seeing the bigger picture) it just came down to we were on different levels of life.

  • Im going to school for nursing, he doesnt want to go to school at all & hates it.
  • We work at the same place unfourtunately (at a hospital)...ive been there for a year & have plans in place for my next promotion, hes been there for 4 years & couldnt move up if he wanted to because he has no educational background (one day ill end up being his boss the way things r going :grin:).
  • I want to get married & have kids with my husband, he wants kids but doesnt ever want to get married...im not tryna be a baby mama! :nono:
Sadly i do love him, we were together for almost a year so that sucks but i cant let myself settle. I have to put myself first and protect my heart :look:.

Basically I have goals n he still doesnt know what he wants from life.
Until you find someone who knows what they want & has a direction in life, neither one of u will be satisfied. If u have a lot going on for u he might get to the point where he feels that hes a distraction thats holding u back. Guys have big egos (even if they try to pretend like they dont). Focus on what u want & everything else will fall into place. :yep:
 
Yes ma'am, it is! Reread what you wrote as if the person writing was your friend. What advice would you give her?

It has been proven money is a major cause behind divorce. He is still handsome, young, et cetera. But as times wears on, so will your patience. Learn from the mistakes of others and know that your ideal man IS available. Children and education are major issues!

It has been said often that men marry a woman hoping she will NEVER change and women marry men hoping they WILL change. See my point here?
 
On one hand..I think that ur not going to find the PERFECT man that meets ALL of ur qualifications...So we settle even if its a little bit...However......

On the other hand..if these are big issues for u..and it seems that they are..if it ended ur last relationship..then u shouldnt compromise urself and what u want...Another great guy will comes that will match ur ambition, desire and goals..
 
mwedzi said:
What are the great points about him that you like so much?
Click to expand...


Even though the kids throw me off i like the fact that he will still be there for the child. I like the way he goes about it for some reason. He is very nice and respectful, family oriented, knows how to listen to me vent and talk to me in a way that helps me to feel better, makes me laugh and be giddy, etc etc all good things.

Now @ThatJerseyGirl if he was all of that then i absolutely would not want to be with him no matter how wonderful, but my problem is he is almost exactly what i want. Now if he was in school and the rest remained the same I would be fine. Its the education/money moreso than the kids that gets me.
 
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ThatJerseyGirl said:
Hummm....lets see. He is taking care of a child that is not biologically his, owns his own car, home and has a good job. In other words, he's responsible and is a provider. Ok.

*chewin bubble gum*

Bear wif me cuz momma tryna quit smokin dem newports...i digressed for a minute there*

*pop*

But anywho...so u just met him and he is wonderful. Tell me something. If Mr. Wonderful did not have children, no home, car, good job and was in school and had the earning potential to make LESS money than what you will possibly make, living in a studio apt or worse, with his mom, would you still date Mr. Wonderful?

Not trying to get you to change your standards, but I'm asking. What if he did say he wanted to go back to school in his situation?


*chews n pops gum*
Click to expand...

Kinda surprised you overlooked that she will end up marrying a man who will spend THEIR money on a child that isnt his.

Not me
 
chocolatedoll18 said:
Even though the kids throw me off i like the fact that he will still be there for the child. I like the way he goes about it for some reason. He is very nice and respectful, family oriented, knows how to listen to me vent and talk to me in a way that helps me to feel better, makes me laugh and be giddy, etc etc all good things.
Click to expand...
Honestly OP, none of that is outstanding, because that is what a person SHOULD DO. A person is extraordinary when they go above and beyond. NOTHING that you have written about him is above and beyond.
 
Are you really wondering if the qualities (list) you want are reasonable, fair or too harsh? Because as another poster said, if you want a man who has gone to school and this man doesn't want to....well....

So, I'm wondering if there's something else, or perhaps those were just excuses to leave the last relationship?
 
1. What makes this guy so amazing?

2. If you have to ask if you are settling then you are.

3. You need to listen to your woman's intuition.

Look at from the outside- You will end up with a man who isn't ambitious- his job is "good enough", you will most likely be making more than him and now he's going to be taking care of 2 kids? Dealing with 2 baby mom's, one that isn't even his? What about you? What about the kids you all plan on having? He will be taking money from them inorder to provide for another woman's family? Actually a lot of that money will be from you. Girlfriend DON'T DO IT! I know sometimes we women can get scared about missing the boat waiting on the ship but this boat clearly has holes in it and is going to sink anyway. You deserve better. Sure, no one is perfect but dont compromise on dealbreakers.

ETA: We need to stop giving men credit for things they should have or should be doing. Just because he has a car and a job and takes care of his child makes him a great man? :yawn:
 
Last edited:
chocolatedoll18 said:
Even though the kids throw me off i like the fact that he will still be there for the child. I like the way he goes about it for some reason. He is very nice and respectful, family oriented, knows how to listen to me vent and talk to me in a way that helps me to feel better, makes me laugh and be giddy, etc etc all good things.

Now @ThatJerseyGirl if he was all of that then i absolutely would not want to be with him no matter how wonderful, but my problem is he is almost exactly what i want. Now if he was in school and the rest remained the same I would be fine. Its the education/money moreso than the kids that gets me.
Click to expand...

chocolatedoll18 - Ok. I get it and I feel you on that. Never compromise yourself for anyone. You want what you want and no, I do not believe that anyone should settle.
 
He's amazing because he has qualities I want in a man that not all guys have. I thought about it and broke it off with him. Of course he didn't want to but says he understands
 
I think his caring for the other child is noble and sweet. Seems like he has his act together. OP, have you explained to him why education is so important to you or is he firmly against it? If he doesn't budge, move on.

Sent from my VM670 using VM670
 
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