Is it really better to be friends first?

[PopLife]

Anybody friends with their SO/DH before dating them?

I'm currently in this type of situation and even though we have known each other for multiple years the last two years that we have been dating have had it's challenges in transitioning out of the "friend mode".

I would say the hardest thing is that being that we were friends first, I have met a few of his ex's (know details about their relationships, etc...) and it's been extremely hard for me not to compare our relationship with his past ones since I know so much.

What are some of the pros and cons that you have experienced dating someone you were friends with first?

 

[MissMasala5]

I have been friends with men first, yes.

Pros: Great communication, lots of shared interests, amicable breakups
Cons: Lingering feelings because of the above, on their part, which results in the eventual demise of the friendship when you get into a new relationship with someone else

 

[MsChelle]

I think being friends first can be a great thing or sometimes it could be a stumbling block. I always feel the basis of any good relationship is a friendship. That way you know that person and their character fairly well and that makes it easier to build a trusting bond. But, on the other hand, if you have been friends with a guy for years and years and been around when he has gone through other relationships sometimes it makes things difficult. If you know the type of things he did to exes in the past, good or bad, you may have a hard time getting that out of your mind and allowing your own relationship to unfold. This is something that you really have to judge for yourself.

 

[Syrah]

Transitioning out of the "friends" mode is what makes or breaks a friends-to-something-more relationship.

PRO's:
- You know some of his friends and he knows some of yours. You know the kind of people he surrounds himself with.

- You know more about his social environment - what he likes to do for fun.

- You know that your connection is more than just physical. Its not like you realized "oh damn, I'm physically attracted to you - now let me find ways to actually like who you are".

CONS:
- Transitioning from friends to something more than friends.

- His ex'es and even some of your mutual friends might start to think that the only reason you were friends with him was to eventually get with him (why this notion is only attributed to females is beyond me).

- Sometimes its your shared friends that will have the biggest difficulty making the transition.

As for comparing your relationship to his past ones, compare away. If you decide that you want to play for keeps, you have the data, use it to your advantage. :yup:

And have fun. Don't put too much on it to quickly; keep in mind, the transition is just as "weird" for you as it is for him...

 

[PopLife]

Transitioning out of the "friends" mode is what makes or breaks a friends-to-something-more relationship.

PRO's:
- You know some of his friends and he knows some of yours. You know the kind of people he surrounds himself with.

- You know more about his social environment - what he likes to do for fun.

- You know that your connection is more than just physical. Its not like you realized "oh damn, I'm physically attracted to you - now let me find ways to actually like who you are".

CONS:
- Transitioning from friends to something more than friends.

- His ex'es and even some of your mutual friends might start to think that the only reason you were friends with him was to eventually get with him (why this notion is only attributed to females is beyond me).

- Sometimes its your shared friends that will have the biggest difficulty making the transition.

As for comparing your relationship to his past ones, compare away. If you decide that you want to play for keeps, you have the data, use it to your advantage. :yup:

And have fun. Don't put too much on it to quickly; keep in mind, the transition is just as "weird" for you as it is for him...

I never really thought of it that way, this makes a lot of sense.

I realize the comparing thing is my issue, I feel like I'm constantly trying to make our relationship better than what I know of his past relationships. I know it's silly, ugh. erplexed

 

[CurliDiva]

I am sorry but if I put a guy in the "friend" category he is going to stay there.

I think there are lots of "male/female" friendships where one party is hoping for more....I know that real male/female friends happens but something about “suddenly I want you” thing seems bogus to me

Like did you really just wake up one day and decided to take it THERE or were you waiting out my/your current situation to move your move?

And does this mean that I have to now worry about you and your other female “friends”.

 

[ImanAdero]

My SO and I were friends first. We met at college previews, maintained a friendship until, yes, I saw him in a different light/got my act together my senior year of college. And we've been boyfriend and girlfriend for the past year. And I hope we're together for a long time.

I think the PP does have a point though. My SO said it was never really platonic on his end even though I thought it was. He always liked you.

So keep that in mind. One thing I love about my SO is that he just accepts me, we never had to go through that awkward stage of him finally seeing me not on a date. This is the same guy who saw me in sweat pants and lime green socks freshman year of college. Lol

But one thing you should know is, as much as you know about his past relationships, he knows about YOURS.

So my advice is: let it flow. Let it be organic and you'll enjoy it more the less you think

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Me and DH were friends since high school but had known each other since 6th grade. We went to college together and we got together then got married.

In my experience no, being friends like that beforehand does not make things better though in theory it should.

 

[Mai Tai]

I personally feel that being friends beforehand is benificial. Now I'm not talking about people that "act" like friends in hopes that it develops into something more. I'm talking about true friendships that just happen to develop into romance.

When you have a true friendship beforehand, you get to see what they are really about; not the person they display outwardly. Friendship allows you to look at that person objectively without judgement.

My SO and I became close fairly quickly when we first met. I mean it was like we literally became best friends from day one. We just always clicked like that. We would call each other everyday to chat. He would tell me about girls he met, and I would tell him about men I met. We would exchange stories, and advice. About a year after meeting, he said he was at work about to call me about some crazy co-worker and realized that he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. He called me...we met up for lunch...he laid all the cards on the table and we've been inseperable since.

I actually appreciate the things that he revealed to me about exes before we started dating. He trusted me enough during our friendship to tell me his deepest darkest secrets and I am not going to violate that trust by feeling hurt or upset about things that happened before we even met.