Trying to be friends first

[lynndiallo]

IMO, THIS THE BEST WAY TO DATE ESP. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE!
This is my reasoning for the statement above.

1. If you are looking for a life partner, it is my belief that you should be engaging in many friendships as possible with many men. Do not rush to settle down...you are looking for marriage not a bf-gf relationship. Yes committed relationships turn to marriage but sometimes they do not. Then you have wasted time when you could have been considering other suitors. As a grown woman, the only committed relationship you should be engaged in is the one with your fiancée/soon to be husband. If this idea is still a little ridiculous, move on to point 2.

2. It is my belief that a man knows within months of dating that he wants to marry you. The experience of the many married women on this board confirms this. You do not need to engage in long drawn out relationship for a man to know if he wants to marry you. It seems like men know from the very beginning if they've met a woman they want to possibly marry. So, its seems logical to me to move from friendship once that man has made those intentions clear. It they do not project these feelings, then its safe to say that they are not interested in that way...You should keep them as friends and allow other suitors to court you.

3. A friend can court you, take you out to dinners, show affection, be there for you, fall in love with you…How far you decide to go with your male friends (sexually) is your own personal discretion.

4. Even if the friendship does not turn into marriage, you have still made an additional friend. You have widened your social network and increased the chances of meeting a life partner. You always hear that someone’s husband is a friend of a friend of a friend.

5. I hear many say that men may be intimidated by successful, beautiful…women. Offering friendship at the onset makes you more accessible; if he still does not project serious intentions after that then he is probably not interested.

To sum: friendship is a way for you to evaluate your suitors and entertain courtship while enabling yourself to consider other suitors until they offer marriage not a gf-bf relationship.

 

[FluffyRed]

Lynn, you are a great writer! That reads like it came from a book! (or did it ?)

Ladies in general: does the "being friends" strategy conflict with doing the Rules? With my dude, he is so anxious that he has an attitude on the rare occasion that I answer my phone, or return his call. ("Rare" = relatively rare. I ain't talking to NO man 6x a day)

So, I end up having to ice him for even longer, 24 hours, because i'm not trying to hear his ish. (oh, you are answering your phone today!) Then I end up calling him, because I kinda have to miss his calls. I'm not a strict rules girl in that sense. Anyone else?

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

What do you think about trying to be friends first?

I like it. My goal is to befriend the love of my life.

 

[lynndiallo]

Lynn, you are a great writer! That reads like it came from a book! (or did it ?)

Ladies in general: does the "being friends" strategy conflict with doing the Rules? With my dude, he is so anxious that he has an attitude on the rare occasion that I answer my phone, or return his call. ("Rare" = relatively rare. I ain't talking to NO man 6x a day)

So, I end up having to ice him for even longer, 24 hours, because i'm not trying to hear his ish. (oh, you are answering your phone today!) Then I end up calling him, because I kinda have to miss his calls. I'm not a strict rules girl in that sense. Anyone else?

Thanks for the compliment. I did not get it from a book, I just like to write and think about male-female relationships alot lol.

I do not know if I can answer your question because I am not really a rules girl. I think the friendship dating should work with the rules. Putting someone on friendship status kinda takes care of all the rules in my opinion. You are not offering your all, just your friendship. I think the rules are there to keep a woman from offering up too much in a relationship especially when a man has not shown that he deserves it.

In your case, you are not obligated to pick his calls or spend x days out of the week together because there is no commitment (just friendship). You should let dude know what exactly you are offering so that he will know that you are not obligated to pick up his calls or even talk to him.

 

[FluffyRed]

But, Lynn, this guy might get discouraged if I say the word 'friend' to him. Then, when I am comfortable with him, he won't be ready. Not sure.

 

[Bunny77]

But, Lynn, this guy might get discouraged if I say the word 'friend' to him. Then, when I am comfortable with him, he won't be ready. Not sure.

Yeah, I wouldn't say the "F" word to the guy! (wow, that sounds worse than what I meant... )


I don't really think you have to say anything, but just control the flow of the relationship through your actions. I will say though that it's a bit weird to me that he calls six times a day! I mean, most folks I know work or go to school or something and don't have that much time to be on the phone! He needs to chill with that... it's great that he's excited about you FluffyRed, but seriously... yeah.

I also don't like that he has an attitude when you do finally answer the phone or return his call. He acts like you are obligated to answer each time he calls and again, he barely knows you!

Tread carefully here...

 

[FluffyRed]

I feel like I'm making excuses for him, but he is the kind of guy that does EVerything for his friends. Every weekend he is fixing locks or cars or something. His wife died when she was 37, leaving him to raise 4 kids and they are very close to him. I think he's just lonely. We dated a little previously, and he wanted to take me out of town to meet his grown daughter before I was ready. He's about 57, his daughter is the age of my friends. I wasn't ready to be "committed" to him in that way (meeting the kids) yet.

We also used to work together. People who have known him for years longer than I have, think he's just incredibly nice, reliable, a great guy in pressure situations and very considerate. He opens doors, pulls the car up... really a cool person. I've never dated older before, though, so it's an adjustment.

At the same time, I know better than to make excuses for a man!!!

He never ignores his phone. I think it's rude. I turn my ringer off if I'm with someone.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Yeah, I wouldn't say the "F" word to the guy! (wow, that sounds worse than what I meant... )


I don't really think you have to say anything, but just control the flow of the relationship through your actions. I will say though that it's a bit weird to me that he calls six times a day! I mean, most folks I know work or go to school or something and don't have that much time to be on the phone! He needs to chill with that... it's great that he's excited about you FluffyRed, but seriously... yeah.

I also don't like that he has an attitude when you do finally answer the phone or return his call. He acts like you are obligated to answer each time he calls and again, he barely knows you!

Tread carefully here...

Great thread! Yeah I agree about not really defining what you are to him or dropping the "F" bomb in the getting to know you stages. Men either take advantage of the fact that you are friends by not moving towards something more serious progressively because they know that since you guys are "friends" he can date other women. You should also be dating other people in the interim but IMO the more options a man has in the dating pool, the longer it will take for him to settle down or choose one female to be with. Females on the other hand can usually make a decision and weed out the bad apples rather quickly. OR if he thinks that all you view him as is a "friend", he may assume that you have no romantic interest in him whatsoever and therefore willl not pursue anything beyond that due to fear of rejection. Especially if you are holding out being intimate...and by that I dont mean sex, but rather kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling etc. Men use physical intimacy as an indicator of likeliness

 

[Bunny77]

Great thread! Yeah I agree about not really defining what you are to him or dropping the "F" bomb in the getting to know you stages. Men either take advantage of the fact that you are friends by not moving towards something more serious progressively because they know that since you guys are "friends" he can date other women. You should also be dating other people in the interim but IMO the more options a man has in the dating pool, the longer it will take for him to settle down or choose one female to be with. Females on the other hand can usually make a decision and weed out the bad apples rather quickly. OR if he thinks that all you view him as is a "friend", he may assume that you have no romantic interest in him whatsoever and therefore willl not pursue anything beyond that due to fear of rejection. Especially if you are holding out being intimate...and by that I dont mean sex, but rather kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling etc. Men use physical intimacy as an indicator of likeliness

Good post!

Fluffy, you know the guy better than we do, so if you are going to date him, this post above is the best way to go about it! Date others too and keep all of them at a platonic (yet interested) level until you eventually choose one for a relationship.

 

[lynndiallo]

Yeah, I wouldn't say the "F" word to the guy! (wow, that sounds worse than what I meant... )


I don't really think you have to say anything, but just control the flow of the relationship through your actions. I will say though that it's a bit weird to me that he calls six times a day! I mean, most folks I know work or go to school or something and don't have that much time to be on the phone! He needs to chill with that... it's great that he's excited about you FluffyRed, but seriously... yeah.

I also don't like that he has an attitude when you do finally answer the phone or return his call. He acts like you are obligated to answer each time he calls and again, he barely knows you!

Tread carefully here...

Bunny is definitely right. I did not mean for you use the "F" word. I meant that you should communicate to him what exactly you are offering at this stage... you can just tell him that you intend to take it slow. Use your personal discretion to choose how you want to communicate this to him, as long as he gets the point.

 

[FluffyRed]

Iced him fot two days and his attitude was much improved when i talked to him last night!!! Plan in effect!

 

[Glib Gurl]

Wait - is anyone offput by telling her that she should step it up on the weekends or do you just view that as good advice?

 

[GoingNatural]

i can't do just friends first. then the person will end up in the "friend zone." Once a person is in the friend zone there is no hope.

Now if by friends that means flirting, kissing but nothing sexual then okay

 

[FluffyRed]

Wait - is anyone offput by telling her that she should step it up on the weekends or do you just view that as good advice?

I wasn't offended. I think it's the general consensus on this board, looking at the "making an effort" thread. And by his tone, I think he was trying to be helpful.

What are your thoughts?

 

[Paradox]

I would like to be friends first for a year.
There are some men that I am even interested in but over the course of the year through a distant friend I've realized:
one is controlling and the other one is simply a jerk. I think men let their guard down during friendships which perfect.

 

[Jaxhair]

I think being pals and getting to know each other better before diving right in is a good idea but is not the be all and end all. I know couples who met up as a one night stand and years later are still very happy together. I also know peeps who were friends first, got together and didn't work out - it all depends.

Hubby and I met online via a dating site. I still thank God that I got distracted by this sites pop-up and I left my essay for a while and found myself 'looking for a date online', lol. I had been single for a few months, though I was dating someone else at the time but I wasn't happy with him. DH had just ended a long term relationship. We 'pretended' to be friends when we first met - I was with this other guy, he was giving this relationship another try... we were supporting each other through these tough times till these relationships truly ended. After 2 months emailing daily and being mightily dissapointed if the other didn't email for a day, we exchanged phone numbers and physically met up weeks later. Dated for another 3 weeks 'as friends' but all the while we both knew we wanted more - me willing him to lean in for a kiss and him trying to analyse whether or not I was on the same wavelength. Well... that first kiss as his bus arrived to take him away from meon our 4th date was it - I knew he was the one... no doubt! At this point, we both felt we knew each other fairly well as we'd unreservedly asked and answered questions about each other - families, education, work, lifestyle choices etc.

So, I guess 'being friends' or being friends first can be a good idea as you get to know each other and set a foundation to what may well turn out to be a relationship that lasts you a long, long time (hopefully forever). Those irreconciliable differences may well show up at this point and would be easier dealing with, or not dealing with if one decides they cannot be bothered.

 

[Ms Red]

I am doing this now, but we slip into mutual romantic situations all the time. Dates break up the chemistry a little bit (e.g. we played basketball on Saturday and I never shot one before-- it was fun!)... so we go back and forth between 'getting to know each other' and 'being more'.... I hope it works out.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great thread! I love it. I've actually been wondering this myself.

To be honest, I think doing friends first is the IDEAL way.

The only problem however is that some guys get "lazy" and tend to just date other women while they're still "friends" with you. While this may be okay with you if you're not into him, it can be pure TORTURE if your guy "friend" is someone you're secretly interested in.

So, I don't know how to do this?? I don't think I know how to be "just friends" with guys (guys I'm attracted to that is!). I didn't grow up with brothers. I don't even know how to talk about sports with guys!

So, I really don't know how to be a "friend" to a guy. And I'm suspecting that if a guy is so comfortable being "friends" with a woman, it's ONLY because he deep down is attracted to her.

I think this is the key. Just look at it as someone that you're getting to know as a FRIEND. The more you force it, the more they will draw away but when you let it be, they will draw to you because there will be no anxiousness on your part. I'm in the same boat. GOod luck to you!

Yes! THis is exactly how I want it to be. No anxiety...no pressure!

But this is HARD for me if I'm attracted to the guy!!! How do you women do it? Because I have a guy friend now who I'm scared to get too "close" with because I'm not sure how he feels about me, and although I sometimes sense a mutual attraction between us, he's busy dating other women, so I just assume that he's not really into me. *sigh* It's hard to be "friends" with a guy that you're into. Even though I think it's the best way to get to know someone, it really is HARD. You almost have to have been just friends from the get-go. But you can't go from being attracted to a guy and then being his friend later on...at least I can't.

Great thread! Yeah I agree about not really defining what you are to him or dropping the "F" bomb in the getting to know you stages. Men either take advantage of the fact that you are friends by not moving towards something more serious progressively because they know that since you guys are "friends" he can date other women. You should also be dating other people in the interim but IMO the more options a man has in the dating pool, the longer it will take for him to settle down or choose one female to be with. Females on the other hand can usually make a decision and weed out the bad apples rather quickly. OR if he thinks that all you view him as is a "friend", he may assume that you have no romantic interest in him whatsoever and therefore willl not pursue anything beyond that due to fear of rejection. Especially if you are holding out being intimate...and by that I dont mean sex, but rather kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling etc. Men use physical intimacy as an indicator of likeliness

Exactly.

 

[Kiadodie]

Great thread! I love it. I've actually been wondering this myself.

To be honest, I think doing friends first is the IDEAL way.

The only problem however is that some guys get "lazy" and tend to just date other women while they're still "friends" with you. While this may be okay with you if you're not into him, it can be pure TORTURE if your guy "friend" is someone you're secretly interested in.

So, I don't know how to do this?? I don't think I know how to be "just friends" with guys (guys I'm attracted to that is!). I didn't grow up with brothers. I don't even know how to talk about sports with guys!

So, I really don't know how to be a "friend" to a guy. And I'm suspecting that if a guy is so comfortable being "friends" with a woman, it's ONLY because he deep down is attracted to her.




Yes! THis is exactly how I want it to be. No anxiety...no pressure!

But this is HARD for me if I'm attracted to the guy!!! How do you women do it? Because I have a guy friend now who I'm scared to get too "close" with because I'm not sure how he feels about me, and although I sometimes sense a mutual attraction between us, he's busy dating other women, so I just assume that he's not really into me. *sigh* It's hard to be "friends" with a guy that you're into. Even though I think it's the best way to get to know someone, it really is HARD. You almost have to have been just friends from the get-go. But you can't go from being attracted to a guy and then being his friend later on...at least I can't.

Girl, I'm the SAME boat. I'm not sure what to do either. He's hard to read. I dont want to continue as "friends" because i don't want to us to end up just as friends only. I want more but I"m waiting for him to make the move.

 

[Jaxhair]

Ladies, make the move! If he loves being around you, then go for it - subtly though, so if he's not interested you can say you were testing them or joking. However, if he's dating now, it might be a good idea to tell them how you feel and then, if they are into you, it'll happen. I believe in giving hints. Strong hints - either by word or by action. Life's too short to watch someone you want and perhaps wants you too slip away into a relationship that may not work in the long run.

 

[Allandra]

IMO, being friends first is best. I just think it makes perfect sense.