Is It Normal To Second Guess Yiur Engagement?

[awhyley]

You saved you and your future children a lifetime of misery. Several divorced ladies I know have always said that if they ever get remarried again, it will be to a man with a deceased mother. He also cannot be the only son with several sisters or the last born son with older sisters. It is a long term nightmare.

Thank you so much for this. I always focused on the mother, but never the sisters as a potential problem. Adding this to the list.

I guess you had the thread deleted cause I dont see it but op is this the guy who made you feel insecure about being black by saying stuff like black features are ugly and treating his biracial child better than his black child?

Cara, you forget nothing!

 

[UniquelyDivine]

Another woman who has broken off an engagement before checking in...

In my case, my ex-fiance was a serial cheater but because we'd dated since high school and I thought I couldn't do any better, I continued to take him back time after time again. When he proposed I was silly enough to think that getting married would change him and even though I had second thoughts and despite the fact that once we moved in together another woman started calling MY house, I didn't want to throw away all the years we spent together.

I spent thousands of dollars on a dress and deposits yet I never really saw him as my husband and I just knew deep down inside that we would never make it down the isle.

DITTO! To all of this. I went through the exact thing, I thought he would mature and grow if we got married and I didn't want some other chick benefitting off of the work and time I put in with him. Needless to say we never made it down aisle and I'm
so grateful we didn't!!

The one thing I learned from my experience is to not worry about people judging you, or what your parents and friends will say, it's your life and you will be the one that has to live with the choices that you make. Life is way too short to be married to someone that is not your match

 

[PeaceFlow]

Os

 

[CaraWalker]

Thank you so much for this. I always focused on the mother, but never the sisters as a potential problem. Adding this to the list.



Cara, you forget nothing!

actually i had definitely forgotten all about that, someone bumped the thread about a week or so ago asking the same thing, whether or not it was the same guy. i guess it was hence the delete request.

 

[CaraWalker]

That's a lie
They day after dh proposed I went to my mentor and had a mini meltdown. And we talked and she gave me some insight on marriage (30+years married). After talking to her I had some clarity.
She pretty much told me we would argue and unless the drama was about another woman, or him messing with our money, it could be fixed. Of course abuse of any kind is a no go.

the idea of "i knew early he was the one" and "there was a moment when i knew it was him" is a concept that has been keeping me single. i have a friend who dated a guy and right away they were both agreed about this business that they had found what they wanted and they were moved in together within 6 months and married in 12. their relationship still seems very solid to me and has always been an open and shut model of what proper dating should look like to me.

i finally realized i was holding out for the same thing and had to decide that thats not going to be in the cards for me. that isnt how my relationships work and i dont think ill ever have a moment where i meet a guy and go bam this is that moment ive been waiting for. looking back it seems like such a stupid thing for me to have been thinking. now i am open to a much bigger variety of scenarios and it is helping me decide what it means for me to choose someone.

folks really have to know themselves. and you cant always take what works for others and expect to find it in your own life because you have no proof that the same thing is going to be true for you, so why ride for it as an absolute? i think its interesting that the majority of the posts very strongly cautioned that she listen to her instincts and she countered that she wanted outside input. (even though the outside input was to go back inside.) i think a lot of people make it a business not to hear themselves.

 

[hopeful]

the idea of "i knew early he was the one" and "there was a moment when i knew it was him" is a concept that has been keeping me single. i have a friend who dated a guy and right away they were both agreed about this business that they had found what they wanted and they were moved in together within 6 months and married in 12. their relationship still seems very solid to me and has always been an open and shut model of what proper dating should look like to me.

i finally realized i was holding out for the same thing and had to decide that thats not going to be in the cards for me. that isnt how my relationships work and i dont think ill ever have a moment where i meet a guy and go bam this is that moment ive been waiting for. looking back it seems like such a stupid thing for me to have been thinking. now i am open to a much bigger variety of scenarios and it is helping me decide what it means for me to choose someone.

folks really have to know themselves. and you cant always take what works for others and expect to find it in your own life because you have no proof that the same thing is going to be true for you, so why ride for it as an absolute? i think its interesting that the majority of the posts very strongly cautioned that she listen to her instincts and she countered that she wanted outside input. (even though the outside input was to go back inside.) i think a lot of people make it a business not to hear themselves.

From what I have been reading lately for most people it actually makes sense to slowly get to know a person and fall in love. That really knowing they are the one immediately and being right IMO is rare. So I think holding out for that magical thing is actually a mistake and can often lead to heartache anyway because honestly it really takes time to really get to know a person and know that you want to have children with them and spend the rest of your life with them.

As far as the OP wanting advice and being told to trust her instincts is not in conflict IMO. As women most of us are conditioned to not trust ourselves. If your family of origin or your subsequent relationships, education etc. has not encouraged you to trust yourself, you need help and support. That is why she is getting two pieces of info simultaneously: a suggestion on what to do and encouragement to trust her instincts. She doesn't trust herself yet, maybe cannot even really hear herself yet. The cool thing about this website is that in many cases we give suggestions and encouaragement which is healing. At this stage in her life feeling isolated probably won't be helpful and may lead her to making a bad decision out of loneliness. We need to learn to trust ourselves and how to seek support and advice. IMO the two go hand in hand. We are not islands unto ourselves.

 

[Taleah2009]

That's a lie
They day after dh proposed I went to my mentor and had a mini meltdown. And we talked and she gave me some insight on marriage (30+years married). After talking to her I had some clarity.
She pretty much told me we would argue and unless the drama was about another woman, or him messing with our money, it could be fixed. Of course abuse of any kind is a no go.

I had a meltdown too. My talk was with my FIL. Getting engaged is a big decision. I went through a freak out period but I prayed and just trusted myself. I second guess everything, and deciding to get married for me was no different.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

one of my friends broke off an engagement to a controlling, cheating fiancé and it was the best thing she ever did for herself.

Deal breakers are different for everyone but a guy not liking your Black features means he doesn't like you. It reads like the beginning of a Lifetime movie where she gets married anyway and has plastic surgery often to please the husband.

 

[lesedi]

Sounds like you are right to second guess it OP. May I ask how old you are?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Where are you OP? How is everything going?

 

[PeaceLover]

Where are you OP? How is everything going?

I'm here! I've been on Spring Break from work so I took a minute to back away from social media and everything to clear my head. I'm reading the post and really enjoy the input.

One thing about this board is that it's anonymous...so I post about my relationship to get advice and not open my business to people I actually know.

 

[PeaceLover]

Sounds like you are right to second guess it OP. May I ask how old you are?

25

 

[PeaceLover]

From what I have been reading lately for most people it actually makes sense to slowly get to know a person and fall in love. That really knowing they are the one immediately and being right IMO is rare. So I think holding out for that magical thing is actually a mistake and can often lead to heartache anyway because honestly it really takes time to really get to know a person and know that you want to have children with them and spend the rest of your life with them.

As far as the OP wanting advice and being told to trust her instincts is not in conflict IMO. As women most of us are conditioned to not trust ourselves. If your family of origin or your subsequent relationships, education etc. has not encouraged you to trust yourself, you need help and support. That is why she is getting two pieces of info simultaneously: a suggestion on what to do and encouragement to trust her instincts. She doesn't trust herself yet, maybe cannot even really hear herself yet. The cool thing about this website is that in many cases we give suggestions and encouaragement which is healing. At this stage in her life feeling isolated probably won't be helpful and may lead her to making a bad decision out of loneliness. We need to learn to trust ourselves and how to seek support and advice. IMO the two go hand in hand. We are not islands unto ourselves.

This post is awesome. Simply because everyone is telling me to trust my instincts, but I'm totally confused. We started premarital counseling...we went twice & I don't think the person I picked is a nice fit for us so I'm still searching. I just want to be sure...but idk. I'm one of those people who analyzes and over analyzes EVERY situation. It's always hard for me to make a simple decision so this big one is very difficult for me.

 

[PeaceLover]

I'm always grateful for the advice and dialogue on the post I make. Y'all are awesome.

Update: We went to a couple of premarital couseling sessions and I don't think the therapist is a good fit for us. She was an old white lady & kind of cooky. I wanted to find someone black so they can relate to the cultural things, but I couldn't find one in my area. We though about church couseling, but since we don't go to we don't know and pastors and if they are genuine or not. Anyway, when we were in the sessions he mentioned he did 4 tours in Iraq/Afg and the sessions started to be about his PTSD and trauma. She was basically saying that his bad decisions in the past stemmed from PTSD and drinking occasionally...I just see that as an excuse because he really doesn't drink that much. Idk. We're searching for someone else...

He wants to go into the sessions and NOT discuss what happened in the past because he said it won't solve anything. He wants to talk about the future, but that's stupid IMO. We need to discuss both. Whenever I bring past stuff up he gets upset. But since I'm too private to tell my friends/family so I don't have an outlet to discuss stuff from the past and it's driving me nuts.

I want to ask around, but I don't want anyone in my business...so I'm still stuck lol! Maybe we'll find someone soon. Hopefully.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I'm always grateful for the advice and dialogue on the post I make. Y'all are awesome.

Update: We went to a couple of premarital couseling sessions and I don't think the therapist is a good fit for us. She was an old white lady & kind of cooky. I wanted to find someone black so they can relate to the cultural things, but I couldn't find one in my area. We though about church couseling, but since we don't go to we don't know and pastors and if they are genuine or not. Anyway, when we were in the sessions he mentioned he did 4 tours in Iraq/Afg and the sessions started to be about his PTSD and trauma. She was basically saying that his bad decisions in the past stemmed from PTSD and drinking occasionally...I just see that as an excuse because he really doesn't drink that much. Idk. We're searching for someone else...

He wants to go into the sessions and NOT discuss what happened in the past because he said it won't solve anything. He wants to talk about the future, but that's stupid IMO. We need to discuss both. Whenever I bring past stuff up he gets upset. But since I'm too private to tell my friends/family so I don't have an outlet to discuss stuff from the past and it's driving me nuts.

I want to ask around, but I don't want anyone in my business...so I'm still stuck lol! Maybe we'll find someone soon. Hopefully.

Do you mind telling us the problems? You can also delete the thread. But maybe you can get some good feedback.

 

[CaraWalker]

I'm always grateful for the advice and dialogue on the post I make. Y'all are awesome.

Update: We went to a couple of premarital couseling sessions and I don't think the therapist is a good fit for us. She was an old white lady & kind of cooky. I wanted to find someone black so they can relate to the cultural things, but I couldn't find one in my area. We though about church couseling, but since we don't go to we don't know and pastors and if they are genuine or not. Anyway, when we were in the sessions he mentioned he did 4 tours in Iraq/Afg and the sessions started to be about his PTSD and trauma. She was basically saying that his bad decisions in the past stemmed from PTSD and drinking occasionally...I just see that as an excuse because he really doesn't drink that much. Idk. We're searching for someone else...

He wants to go into the sessions and NOT discuss what happened in the past because he said it won't solve anything. He wants to talk about the future, but that's stupid IMO. We need to discuss both. Whenever I bring past stuff up he gets upset. But since I'm too private to tell my friends/family so I don't have an outlet to discuss stuff from the past and it's driving me nuts.

I want to ask around, but I don't want anyone in my business...so I'm still stuck lol! Maybe we'll find someone soon. Hopefully.

since you are so insistent on getting opinions from other people (that is not a criticism) find a different board where you can be completely anonymous (AND HONEST) and ask for opinions. one of those wide open places on the net with all kinds of people (reddit comes to mind) and not small enough where people will remember you and track you down.

but if you want advice then be honest. people come here asking for advice and withhold super important parts to the story, or tell it in pieces, withholding **** that colors the entire scenario. if you find somewhere else to seek other perspectives and really want to hear what people have to say, tell them the whole story, dont tailor it to get the responses you want.

 

[londontresses]

Do you think you're open to counselling? I do understand getting the right fit ( honestly I do) but that doesn't mean searching for someone who's going to say what you want to hear. If your FH feels PTSD and alcohol may be an issue for him are you open to listening to and accepting that? Also as someone suggested before, will you both seek individual counselling too?

 

[lesedi]

@PeaceLover Your intuition was spot on. How are you keeping?