Is It Normal To Second Guess Yiur Engagement?

[PeaceLover]

First...how do you edit the title of a thread? I misspelled a word lol

So...is it normal to do this? Like, there has been a little drama coming up since we got engaged and I'm just wondering if I want to go through with this. I love him and want to work through stuff. I also feel like now that we're engaged and everyone is expecting this to happen I can't just back out now. We've had problems before and we have worked through them...but I'm just wondering...

We're getting ready to start pre-martial counseling...just know that the drama hasn't actually been "little" but it happened in the past and it's just coming to the light.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

It's normal for certain worrying personality types to second guess the first year of marriage.

That said, depending on what has been bubbling to the surface you need to put that first and foremost in the pre-marital counseling and pound it out until it can be resolved. If it can't and is something that you can't live with then you have a decision to make that shouldn't take into consideration what everyone else is expecting.

Good luck!

 

[CaraWalker]

do not ask this question on this forum.

nobody can answer this for you and you need to learn how to listen to yourself.

 

[PeaceLover]

do not ask this question on this forum.

nobody can answer this for you and you need to learn how to listen to yourself.

I know. But most people that I know of who are married give you the spill that "every since I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one. Regardless of what life throws our way I'll only choose him" and whatnot. I'm like...everybody can't be that way. There has to be some successful marriages out there that didn't start all fairytale like lol not saying that they started rough, but I want some reality type of stuff.

And I listen to myself, but I'm confused right now. And I'm worried because this is a huge commitment. Like, HUGE...

 

[Loving]

My advice is to get premarital counseling. It will help to settle your doubts.

 

[hopeful]

Trust your instincts. Do what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is much easier to break an engagement than get divorced. If I were you I would discuss the concerns with the marriage counselor and consider delaying the wedding date so you have time to work through the issues or decide to opt out.

 

[TayMac]

First forget about anyone else and their expectations.

I don't think it's abnormal to second guess a big decision. You do need to be truly honest during the counseling about the issue so you can get the proper insight and make the best choice for you.

 

[PeaceLover]

I have another question too...

I chose not to do our initial counseling with a pastor/church for pre-martial counseling (we're starting later with one, but that's just because he won't marry us without at least 2 sessions separately & together) because we're not super religious & I think they try to push you together even if two people don't belong...it's like work it out & that's the only option. I don't want that type of counseling. So, in your opinion...

Is it better to do counseling with a pastor/church or a professional counselor? Also, why is this your choice?

 

[PrissiSippi]

Trust your instincts. Do what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is much easier to break an engagement than get divorced. If I were you I would discuss the concerns with the marriage counselor and consider delaying the wedding date so you have time to work through the issues or decide to opt out.

My sentiments. It sounds SOOO Oliva Pope ish but...trust your gut. Listen to yourself. Only you know what you can and will put up with. Meditate. Do Yoga. Listen to yourself.

 

[toaster]

I have another question too...

I chose not to do our initial counseling with a pastor/church for pre-martial counseling (we're starting later with one, but that's just because he won't marry us without at least 2 sessions separately & together) because we're not super religious & I think they try to push you together even if two people don't belong...it's like work it out & that's the only option. I don't want that type of counseling. So, in your opinion...

Is it better to do counseling with a pastor/church or a professional counselor? Also, why is this your choice?

Don't have any advice, but based on how you worded the bolded I wish you luck and definitely suggest counseling.

 

[pre_medicalrulz]

I know. But most people that I know of who are married give you the spill that "every since I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one. Regardless of what life throws our way I'll only choose him" and whatnot. I'm like...everybody can't be that way. There has to be some successful marriages out there that didn't start all fairytale like lol not saying that they started rough, but I want some reality type of stuff.

And I listen to myself, but I'm confused right now. And I'm worried because this is a huge commitment. Like, HUGE...

Go through with the marital counseling. Give it 100% regardless of what the other is giving. And then in the end ask yourself again. You'll know.

Marital counseling is the first step. It's the correct step. Good luck.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

I know. But most people that I know of who are married give you the spill that "every since I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one. Regardless of what life throws our way I'll only choose him" and whatnot. I'm like...everybody can't be that way. There has to be some successful marriages out there that didn't start all fairytale like lol not saying that they started rough, but I want some reality type of stuff.

And I listen to myself, but I'm confused right now. And I'm worried because this is a huge commitment. Like, HUGE...

That's a lie
They day after dh proposed I went to my mentor and had a mini meltdown. And we talked and she gave me some insight on marriage (30+years married). After talking to her I had some clarity.
She pretty much told me we would argue and unless the drama was about another woman, or him messing with our money, it could be fixed. Of course abuse of any kind is a no go.

 

[Brwnbeauti]

I have another question too...

I chose not to do our initial counseling with a pastor/church for pre-martial counseling (we're starting later with one, but that's just because he won't marry us without at least 2 sessions separately & together) because we're not super religious & I think they try to push you together even if two people don't belong...it's like work it out & that's the only option. I don't want that type of counseling. So, in your opinion...

Is it better to do counseling with a pastor/church or a professional counselor? Also, why is this your choice?

Our counselor didn't do this. He gave us reading assignments then we discussed. One he really stuck on was about how the husband should treat his wife as Jesus treated the church. He was a preacher but also a licensed counselor. I'd want my marriage counselor to have expertise just like any other counselor I'd see.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I know. But most people that I know of who are married give you the spill that "every since I laid eyes on him I knew he was the one. Regardless of what life throws our way I'll only choose him" and whatnot. I'm like...everybody can't be that way. There has to be some successful marriages out there that didn't start all fairytale like lol not saying that they started rough, but I want some reality type of stuff.

And I listen to myself, but I'm confused right now. And I'm worried because this is a huge commitment. Like, HUGE...

I backed out of an engagement about a year and some months ago. You have to listen to yourself regardless of what your relatives think or not (or your friends). I'm not telling you to back out but I am telling you to listen to yourself (either way).

In my case, I had doubts and so I bounced. In my case it was his mother (overbearing and horrible in every way) and his inability to check her (even in a respectful way but a way that she knows to back the F off). Many thought it was a ridiculous reason to bounce but I'm not interested in that dynamic for the rest of my life. Everyone had something to say but again, I would be married to him not them.

But you may have doubts, work through them and think back on this as a temporary hiccup. The question is, is this a temporary hiccup or something that will become a bigger issue later...and either way can you deal? Are you willing to resolve it? Is he as equally committed to resolving it and will he actually resolve the issues (or is this just a spinning wheels type of thing?)?

I wish you the best. And you are right marriage is a huge commitment so remove all thoughts of others from this and focus on your heart either way.

 

[Kurlee]

I backed out of an engagement about a year and some months ago. You have to listen to yourself regardless of what your relatives think or not (or your friends). I'm not telling you to back out but I am telling you to listen to yourself (either way).

In my case, I had doubts and so I bounced. In my case it was his mother (overbearing and horrible in every way) and his inability to check her (even in a respectful way but a way that she knows to back the F off). Many thought it was a ridiculous reason to bounce but I'm not interested in that dynamic for the rest of my life. Everyone had something to say but again, I would be married to him not them.

But you may have doubts, work through them and think back on this as a temporary hiccup. The question is, is this a temporary hiccup or something that will become a bigger issue later...and either way can you deal? Are you willing to resolve it? Is he as equally committed to resolving it and will he actually resolve the issues (or is this just a spinning wheels type of thing?)?

I wish you the best. And you are right marriage is a huge commitment so remove all thoughts of others from this and focus on your heart either way.

brave and wise woman . That dynamic could have eventually broken up the marriage.

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

It's better to do counseling with a professional rather than a pastor most of the time. Lots of times pastors don't have the same education and credentials doctors do.

 

[Bunnyhaslonghair]

I actually think you should get individual counseling at least a few months before you marry or before you break the engagement. That's what I would do to sort my thoughts. Nothing wrong with taking your time.

 

[ArrrBeee]

There's a really good book called Lies at the Altar by Dr. Robin L. Smith. I think you might find it helpful.

 

[gn1g]

My sentiments. It sounds SOOO Oliva Pope ish but...trust your gut. Listen to yourself. Only you know what you can and will put up with. Meditate. Do Yoga. Listen to yourself.

Deep down you know exactly what needs to be done and what is going on? Sometimes we drown that knowing and wind up in a worse state. I beg-of-you, see bolded.

 

[caribeandiva]

Deep down you know exactly what needs to be done and what is going on? Sometimes we drown that knowing and wind up in a worse state. I beg-of-you, see bolded.

Never been in your shoes OP but I second that. You're having doubts for a reason. Don't take that lightly.

 

[Naveah2050]

This all the way OP - don't be so focused on getting the ring and wearing the dress that you forget about the marriage itself - if these are big red flags or warning signs personally I rather delay the marriage and start on a good note and or consider cancelling the wedding - you seem to know what you want to do but are scared of what people will think...

Trust your instincts. Do what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is much easier to break an engagement than get divorced. If I were you I would discuss the concerns with the marriage counselor and consider delaying the wedding date so you have time to work through the issues or decide to opt out.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Trust your instincts. Do what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is much easier to break an engagement than get divorced. If I were you I would discuss the concerns with the marriage counselor and consider delaying the wedding date so you have time to work through the issues or decide to opt out.

This. And you said its nothing small. If it's not small then you absolutely need to go to a non-religious counseling especially if your church counseling implores you to get married if the 2 people shouldn't.

 

[God_Favor]

I think if the uneasy feeling is due to some unworthy behaviors committed on his part the feeling is your intuition

If you guys have been in healthy relationship , I think it's the normal wedding jitters. Marriage is a complete life makeover

 

[okange76]

I backed out of an engagement about a year and some months ago. You have to listen to yourself regardless of what your relatives think or not (or your friends). I'm not telling you to back out but I am telling you to listen to yourself (either way).

In my case, I had doubts and so I bounced. In my case it was his mother (overbearing and horrible in every way) and his inability to check her (even in a respectful way but a way that she knows to back the F off). Many thought it was a ridiculous reason to bounce but I'm not interested in that dynamic for the rest of my life. Everyone had something to say but again, I would be married to him not them.

But you may have doubts, work through them and think back on this as a temporary hiccup. The question is, is this a temporary hiccup or something that will become a bigger issue later...and either way can you deal? Are you willing to resolve it? Is he as equally committed to resolving it and will he actually resolve the issues (or is this just a spinning wheels type of thing?)?

I wish you the best. And you are right marriage is a huge commitment so remove all thoughts of others from this and focus on your heart either way.

You saved you and your future children a lifetime of misery. Several divorced ladies I know have always said that if they ever get remarried again, it will be to a man with a deceased mother. He also cannot be the only son with several sisters or the last born son with older sisters. It is a long term nightmare.

 

[CaraWalker]

I guess you had the thread deleted cause I dont see it but op is this the guy who made you feel insecure about being black by saying stuff like black features are ugly and treating his biracial child better than his black child?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

You saved you and your future children a lifetime of misery. Several divorced ladies I know have always said that if they ever get remarried again, it will be to a man with a deceased mother. He also cannot be the only son with several sisters or the last born son with older sisters. It is a long term nightmare.

Thanks for that.

As for your observation: He is the only son and the baby of the family (and has an older sister) so uhm...I think you may be on to something

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I guess you had the thread deleted cause I dont see it but op is this the guy who made you feel insecure about being black by saying stuff like black features are ugly and treating his biracial child better than his black child?

WHAT?!!!!!!!

 

[SexySin985]

I guess you had the thread deleted cause I dont see it but op is this the guy who made you feel insecure about being black by saying stuff like black features are ugly and treating his biracial child better than his black child?

Say what now????? OP, If this the same guy.......

 

[LucieLoo12]

Here we go.... smh

OP I second guessed my engagement, like a lot. But it wasn't because of him or any of his faults. It was all me. Insecurities, fears, pasts hurts. But when I began to sit down and think about it, I knew he was the one. So you need to sit down and really think about what is causing this hesitation.

 

[Mai Tai]

Another woman who has broken off an engagement before checking in...

In my case, my ex-fiance was a serial cheater but because we'd dated since high school and I thought I couldn't do any better, I continued to take him back time after time again. When he proposed I was silly enough to think that getting married would change him and even though I had second thoughts and despite the fact that once we moved in together another woman started calling MY house, I didn't want to throw away all the years we spent together.

I spent thousands of dollars on a dress and deposits yet I never really saw him as my husband and I just knew deep down inside that we would never make it down the isle. In the midst of all of this, I met my current husband, and once that man came into my life, I knew it was only seconds before I broke my engagement.

See the thing is OP...only you can determine what your deal breakers are and how you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you want a mostly happy marriage with a few growing pains or do you want a life full of marital struggle and discord in your home? If you could look 20 years into the future and saw that your fiancé is the exact same man he is today, will there be a smile on your face? If not, then you've got some serious thinking and soul searching to do.