Is Black Love as real as Cinderella or Snow White?
- Thread starter misstobz
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sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I actually stumbled across a few of these YT videos when I was supposed to be working 
For the cliff notes, it's a lot to unpack because there's a lot of "meat" in the videos, lol. She's basically breaking down the lunacy of some of the pervasive cultural messaging about Black women, men, relationships, and marriage. Pervasive cultural messaging that serves to disempower Black women and lay blame for all of the ills of the Black community. The problem with "accountability" culture, in which Black men are stepping to the mic and all over social media to tell Black women that *they* are the problem vs what true accountability looks like.
I saw the first video a few weeks ago and she's using a sociological framework to break down the Black female/male ratio, how it impacts relationships and marriage, especially when Black women refuse to date out. One point that stuck with me is how she discussed Black men marrying interracially, having half-Black kids, and using the one-drop rule as a basis for how it's ok because their kids are still Black, they've remained loyal to the Black community etc., but when women do the same, it it's all kinds of name calling and vitriol.
In the second video, she's discussing the messed up messaging around the "Black women need to held accountable" culture, which is truly a self-serving "Blame Black women" fest. Think the Steve Harvey, Kevin Samuels types and these everyday fools on the Internet ("Black women have unrealistically high standards/boundaries and that's why they don't have a man" and the simultaneous "Black women should choose better" when they actually do lower standards/boundaries messages) - and the women who follow them who've drunk the kool-aid alongside these men.
This quote stuck with me from the second video. She was discussing the men who blame BW for getting educated, getting careers, and taking care of self. "They blame you for surviving without them, but you better not ask them to provide for you.” Because then you get called out as if you need to be held "accountable." For what... self-preservation? Whew, chile....
For the cliff notes, it's a lot to unpack because there's a lot of "meat" in the videos, lol. She's basically breaking down the lunacy of some of the pervasive cultural messaging about Black women, men, relationships, and marriage. Pervasive cultural messaging that serves to disempower Black women and lay blame for all of the ills of the Black community. The problem with "accountability" culture, in which Black men are stepping to the mic and all over social media to tell Black women that *they* are the problem vs what true accountability looks like.
I saw the first video a few weeks ago and she's using a sociological framework to break down the Black female/male ratio, how it impacts relationships and marriage, especially when Black women refuse to date out. One point that stuck with me is how she discussed Black men marrying interracially, having half-Black kids, and using the one-drop rule as a basis for how it's ok because their kids are still Black, they've remained loyal to the Black community etc., but when women do the same, it it's all kinds of name calling and vitriol.
In the second video, she's discussing the messed up messaging around the "Black women need to held accountable" culture, which is truly a self-serving "Blame Black women" fest. Think the Steve Harvey, Kevin Samuels types and these everyday fools on the Internet ("Black women have unrealistically high standards/boundaries and that's why they don't have a man" and the simultaneous "Black women should choose better" when they actually do lower standards/boundaries messages) - and the women who follow them who've drunk the kool-aid alongside these men.
This quote stuck with me from the second video. She was discussing the men who blame BW for getting educated, getting careers, and taking care of self. "They blame you for surviving without them, but you better not ask them to provide for you.” Because then you get called out as if you need to be held "accountable." For what... self-preservation? Whew, chile....
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larry3344
Well-Known Member
@sunshinebeautiful this next generation of young women better change course. And I am seeing an awakening. I am trying to steer at my level with close friends and family.
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sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I see signs of the awakening too. I know I will be doing my best to steer my niece in the right direction myself and away from all of this foolishness
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Right after the twins were born Diddy and Kim Porter were featured on the cover of a magazine with the caption "Black Love" It absolutely infuriated me that a relationship where dude left his black baby mama for JLo, then came back and knocked up both the old baby mama and a new one simultaneously could be the poster child for any kind of love let alone love associated with my skin tone. Women in that thread defended that pooh because any scrap of chaos relationship involving a black man and any woman with 3 teaspoons of melanin is a win.
I didn't even do black love and I'm still amazed that I'm madder about what passes for it that than women who try to sell it as goals.
I didn't even do black love and I'm still amazed that I'm madder about what passes for it that than women who try to sell it as goals.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
I remember that foolishness. What I don’t understand is, and I’m having trouble articulating, why is this a thing? When I have said or heard someone say “Black Love” it’s been in reference to a couple that was known to me, not celebrities I don’t know any real thing about. It’s not about any random Black man and Black woman I see getting out of a car. It’s about my parents, their married friends, my neighbors that I grew up around who I saw raising families together and showing love to each other for decades. Is it because some people don’t know any Black couples that any random coupling is called Black love? Do people think the cashier and the bagger at the grocery store is Black love? Is the nurse and the orderly she calls to clean up vomit Black love? People need to be embarrassed at the dumb crap they put on a pedestal.
naijamerican
Well-Known Member
@sunshinebeautiful, I watched those videos, too, and I love your distillation of their points. The videos resonated with my heart in a way that I didn’t expect. I’ve had to have some serious conversations with myself about my history of dedication to Black men at the expense of my own well-being. While I tend to date men who are of similar or better financial standing, emotionally, they have been completely and utterly bereft of the level of communication, consistency, and partnership I need. And they lowkey endorse the kind of nonsensical thinking perpetuated by the Kevin Samuels of the world. They might not watch his videos, but they share his ideological leanings, which I usually don’t find out until there’s an argument or some sort of dispute. It’s great to be with someone who is financially and/or educationally congruent, but one’s underlying character and core beliefs are what really cement a relationship. Alas, I have learned this the hard way.I actually stumbled across a few of these YT videos when I was supposed to be working
For the cliff notes, it's a lot to unpack because there's a lot of "meat" in the videos, lol. She's basically breaking down the lunacy of some of the pervasive cultural messaging about Black women, men, relationships, and marriage. Pervasive cultural messaging that serves to disempower Black women and lay blame for all of the ills of the Black community. The problem with "accountability" culture, in which Black men are stepping to the mic and all over social media to tell Black women that *they* are the problem vs what true accountability looks like.
I saw the first video a few weeks ago and she's using a sociological framework to break down the Black female/male ratio, how it impacts relationships and marriage, especially when Black women refuse to date out. One point that stuck with me is how she discussed Black men marrying interracially, having half-Black kids, and using the one-drop rule as a basis for how it's ok because their kids are still Black, they've remained loyal to the Black community etc., but when women do the same, it it's all kinds of name calling and vitriol.
In the second video, she's discussing the messed up messaging around the "Black women need to held accountable" culture, which is truly a self-serving "Blame Black women" fest. Think the Steve Harvey, Kevin Samuels types and these everyday fools on the Internet ("Black women have unrealistically high standards/boundaries and that's why they don't have a man" and the simultaneous "Black women should choose better" when they actually do lower standards/boundaries messages) - and the women who follow them who've drunk the kool-aid alongside these men.
This quote stuck with me from the second video. She was discussing the men who blame BW for getting educated, getting careers, and taking care of self. "They blame you for surviving without them, but you better not ask them to provide for you.” Because then you get called out as if you need to be held "accountable." For what... self-preservation? Whew, chile....
I’m still trying to figure out how to disinvest from the construct of Black love and to find what it means to receive a Naijamerican-centric love, irrespective of the man’s race. These videos gave me food for thought. I really do love your summary, sis.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
There's so much dysfunction in the overall black community and Black Love is projected through that dysfunctional filter. I'm not sure if the quote about Jay Z saying he knew Beyonce was going to be his when he first saw her at 16 is true or not but I found myself arguing with grown women raising daughters thinking that was romantic. When I was like if a 30 year old former drug dealer who raps about pimping got his eye on your 10th grader that's not goals and the response was "that's when he was JayZ, now he's Sean Carter". And then we wonder how RKelly and Glendon Cameron situations are so rampant.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
My father would have threatened Jay Z with a rifle for sniffing around me. Why was he the best that Beyonce could do?There's so much dysfunction in the overall black community and Black Love is projected through that dysfunctional filter. I'm not sure if the quote about Jay Z saying he knew Beyonce was going to be his when he first saw her at 16 is true or not but I found myself arguing with grown women raising daughters thinking that was romantic. When I was like if a 30 year old former drug dealer who raps about pimping got his eye on your 10th grader that's not goals and the response was "that's when he was JayZ, now he's Sean Carter". And then we wonder how RKelly and Glendon Cameron situations are so rampant.
sunshinebeautiful
Well-Known Member
I think that's a beautiful goal at the bolded. I've been meaning to check out her other videos but so far all I've had to say in response is FACTS. I'm in a relationship with a Black man and if this relationship don't work out, I'm definitely divesting from all of this mess.
naijamerican
Well-Known Member
Thank you so much sis. I hope that things continue to go well for you in your relationship. He is so fortunate to have a brilliant and beautiful woman like you by his side!
I also just wanted to clarify something I mentioned in my previous post because I don’t think I made my point as explicitly as I wanted to. The reason I pointed out that the men I’ve been with were “equally yoked” financially and/or in terms of educational attainment is because even with those attributes, THOSE NEGROES WERE STILL DUSTY!!! So when we interrogate the dimensions of Black love, we can’t just consider its financial elements because, while critical, that’s not enough. These brothas had all the external trappings of being considered “high value men,” but they didn’t know how to actually *be* in a relationship. Yes, they had wonderful characteristics, but their immaturity and emotional unavailability and latent sexism were the demise of our relationships. My last partner in particular, that one really got me.
He felt that it was just enough to show up physically and sadly, that quality manifested in his professional relationships, too.It’s not all their fault, either. I need to hold myself accountable and ask why I tolerated clownery despite my own deep misgivings. Why didn’t I leave when the red flags started flapping in the breeze? What could I have done differently and how do I show up?
Finally, I also think that we need to consider the intersection between racism, trauma, scarcity, and attachment styles. Now that’s a story for another day!
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
I love everything about those videos.
It's always bothered me how quickly the community provides context (namely the existence of racism) when examining behaviors in black men that are commonly identified as flaws (i.e. lower incomes, high incarceration rates, high rates of absent fathers), but black women are NEVER afforded that courtesy (like how our "bad attitudes" are a survival mechanism, but are NEVER seen as such, while hyper masculinity among black men frequently is). I ESPECIALLY loved the comment about how for, many black women, our response to not being appreciated is to do more (because not NEARLY of us talk about that). Something else that bothers me IMMENSELY is the nonexistent discussion about the rates of intimate partner violence in our community (as if "black on black crime" is only recognized when it occurs between black men).
Seriously Ladies, it's time to STOP making excuses for men and feeling like it's somehow empowering to be the only one in the relationship or interaction who tries or cares. And for goodness sake, STOP making his issues your issues!! Adults need to take responsibility for THEIR OWN thoughts, words, feelings, and actions and, if man wants to be in charge or someone or something, he can start with himself.
It's always bothered me how quickly the community provides context (namely the existence of racism) when examining behaviors in black men that are commonly identified as flaws (i.e. lower incomes, high incarceration rates, high rates of absent fathers), but black women are NEVER afforded that courtesy (like how our "bad attitudes" are a survival mechanism, but are NEVER seen as such, while hyper masculinity among black men frequently is). I ESPECIALLY loved the comment about how for, many black women, our response to not being appreciated is to do more (because not NEARLY of us talk about that). Something else that bothers me IMMENSELY is the nonexistent discussion about the rates of intimate partner violence in our community (as if "black on black crime" is only recognized when it occurs between black men).
Seriously Ladies, it's time to STOP making excuses for men and feeling like it's somehow empowering to be the only one in the relationship or interaction who tries or cares. And for goodness sake, STOP making his issues your issues!! Adults need to take responsibility for THEIR OWN thoughts, words, feelings, and actions and, if man wants to be in charge or someone or something, he can start with himself.
MD_Lady
Well-Known Member
That trauma piece is HUGE. As far as I'm concerned, if these "life coaches" don't start the discussion about the interactions between black men and women by addressing unresolved trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms, they're just another opinionated person with a platform.Thank you so much sis. I hope that things continue to go well for you in your relationship. He is so fortunate to have a brilliant and beautiful woman like you by his side!
I also just wanted to clarify something I mentioned in my previous post because I don’t think I made my point as explicitly as I wanted to. The reason I pointed out that the men I’ve been with were “equally yoked” financially and/or in terms of educational attainment is because even with those attributes, THOSE NEGROES WERE STILL DUSTY!!! So when we interrogate the dimensions of Black love, we can’t just consider its financial elements because, while critical, that’s not enough. These brothas had all the external trappings of being considered “high value men,” but they didn’t know how to actually *be* in a relationship. Yes, they had wonderful characteristics, but their immaturity and emotional unavailability and latent sexism were the demise of our relationships. My last partner in particular, that one really got me.
It’s not all their fault, either. I need to hold myself accountable and ask why I tolerated clownery despite my own deep misgivings. Why didn’t I leave when the red flags started flapping in the breeze? What could I have done differently and how do I show up?
Finally, I also think that we need to consider the intersection between racism, trauma, scarcity, and attachment styles. Now that’s a story for another day!
larry3344
Well-Known Member
Thank you Naijiamerican for this! I am so glad these conversation and this enlightenment is spreading. Honestly, too many us are under served in our relationships financially and emotionally but convinced every day to accept mediocrity.Thank you so much sis. I hope that things continue to go well for you in your relationship. He is so fortunate to have a brilliant and beautiful woman like you by his side!
I also just wanted to clarify something I mentioned in my previous post because I don’t think I made my point as explicitly as I wanted to. The reason I pointed out that the men I’ve been with were “equally yoked” financially and/or in terms of educational attainment is because even with those attributes, THOSE NEGROES WERE STILL DUSTY!!! So when we interrogate the dimensions of Black love, we can’t just consider its financial elements because, while critical, that’s not enough. These brothas had all the external trappings of being considered “high value men,” but they didn’t know how to actually *be* in a relationship. Yes, they had wonderful characteristics, but their immaturity and emotional unavailability and latent sexism were the demise of our relationships. My last partner in particular, that one really got me.
It’s not all their fault, either. I need to hold myself accountable and ask why I tolerated clownery despite my own deep misgivings. Why didn’t I leave when the red flags started flapping in the breeze? What could I have done differently and how do I show up?
Finally, I also think that we need to consider the intersection between racism, trauma, scarcity, and attachment styles. Now that’s a story for another day!
I finally got a girlfriend of mine to see the light with her dusty and she has broken things off with him and I am so happy. This struggle love narrative needs to stop.
All the best rnb break up songs will never make we want none of these toxic relationships that too many BW find themselves in regardless of socioeconomics.
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naijamerican
Well-Known Member
Thanks so much for your kind words, @larry3344. They really mean a lot to me. I felt kind of embarrassed to share what I said, but I’ve benefited so much from women on this forum having the courage to open up about their real lives and hope that what I posted is of help to others.
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
Thank you for this. Comments under the video are very disheartening.
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SpiritJunkie
Well-Known Member
This hit me in the gut.
