Insecurity - The relationship killer

[MamitaLolita]

Its been literally years since I've been in a relationship and after awhile I stopped looking. Finally I found the person who really might be 'the one'. I've never made it this far in a relationship. We've met each others parents and we travel to see each other (he lives hours away). I finally feel like I've met someone I can be myself around.

Things started great but they've been going downhill.

I frequently find myself pulling away. He tells me I'm beautiful every day but I still feel unattractive. I constantly compare myself to his friends who are always incredibly gorgeous. I feel like they look at me funny, like 'wtf is he dating'. When I tell him my insecurities, he comforts me, but lately he tells me that my insecureness is pushing him away when I voice my feelings. So I've stopped talking to him about it. But then it builds up inside me and Idon't want to talk to him atall. He tells me this is something I need to fight and get over, but it's only gotten worse with time and distance makes it even harder since we only get to see each other a couple times a month.

I've been cheated on and treated very badly in the past and it's starting to all catch up to me. I never felt as insecure in a relationship as I do now just because I supposed I'm 'damaged'. I feel like i don't deserve him and eventually he'll realize how unattractive I am.

I've been fighting it but it's a losing battle. What should I do?

Ever since he told me that I'm pushing him away I've been pulling away myself even harder. To spare my feelings I guess. I just can't afford to get hurt again.

 

[julzinha]

The best advice I can give is to value yourself. When he tells you you're beautiful believe him!! Stop doubting yourself!!! We are all insecure about things, but building a strong relationship means trusting your partner and being the best you, you can be!! Don't pull away, create emotional intimacy, because if you value your relationship you have to try, bit by bit! Maybe try talking to a therapist.

 

[ckisland]

I was really confident and valued myself highly until I graduated from high school , stayed home for a year and gained 30 lbs . I have my high points where I know who I am, exactly what I want, and my confidence is magnetic. But I am insecure like half of the time, and I hate that. Nothing has ruined any dealings I've had with a person like being insecure. It makes things crumble so fast, and it's hard to stop once you start digging in.

OP, if you really think this guy is the one, change how you look at yourself. You might have to apply the "fake it until you make it rule" but it actually works if you let it. Every time he calls you beautiful, giving him a bright smile and say thank you, or something playful like, "I know I am." Say it enough times, and you'll believe it. And it'll kill two birds with one stone, making him feel good too. I think a lot of women miss that, but it's so true. You being happy and vibrant makes other people feel good and brings them closer to you

 

[PeaceFlow]

Long distance relationships can be tough on top of any insecurities pre existing.

When you turn to a partner and ask for reassurance its like a child asking a parent. I went to therapy for a short while and she taught me that we all have our own nurturing parent within.

When you get worried about something there is another option other than being needy, or stewing in it. You can parent yourself. If you feel particularly bad you can sit down and think of the evidence to counteract the thoughts:

1. He has cute friends around him, yet he's not with any of those people because he doesn't want to be with them.
2. Long distance relationships are no joke and he chose to be with you long distance rather than get with someone locally.
3. He tells you you're beautiful everyday which means he pretty much thinks that.

^ Write stuff like this out every time you have a bad day. It works very well over time. You really need to address your attitude towards yourself. I think a little objective reflection will help that area too.

If you know a woman who gets cheated on do you view them as damaged goods? Do you think they don't deserve to be happy, or have a nice guy ever again?erplexed Being cheated on or treated badly has nothing to do with attractiveness, looks, or what you deserve. The cheating/beating guy is like that full stop and will treat beautiful, sexy and lovely women the same way as anyone else.

When you meet a nice new guy that likes you all they see is a great woman. Don't be putting bad things that he never even thought of in his head, or onto him. There's a lot of alone time in long distance so IMO get to work on how you view yourself and relationships.

 

[Adonia1987]

What helps me when I start feeling insecure it to tell myself this; you like him despite him not being perfect. There are other men who are richer, taller, nicer... Than him. It is the same for him. You do not need to be perfect for him to want to be with you. Do not be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your relationship and if you feel your insecurities coming do something nice for yourself.

 

[hopeful]

Its been literally years since I've been in a relationship and after awhile I stopped looking. Finally I found the person who really might be 'the one'. I've never made it this far in a relationship. We've met each others parents and we travel to see each other (he lives hours away). I finally feel like I've met someone I can be myself around.

Things started great but they've been going downhill.

I frequently find myself pulling away. He tells me I'm beautiful every day but I still feel unattractive. I constantly compare myself to his friends who are always incredibly gorgeous. I feel like they look at me funny, like 'wtf is he dating'. When I tell him my insecurities, he comforts me, but lately he tells me that my insecureness is pushing him away when I voice my feelings. So I've stopped talking to him about it. But then it builds up inside me and Idon't want to talk to him atall. He tells me this is something I need to fight and get over, but it's only gotten worse with time and distance makes it even harder since we only get to see each other a couple times a month.

I've been cheated on and treated very badly in the past and it's starting to all catch up to me. I never felt as insecure in a relationship as I do now just because I supposed I'm 'damaged'. I feel like i don't deserve him and eventually he'll realize how unattractive I am.

I've been fighting it but it's a losing battle. What should I do?

Ever since he told me that I'm pushing him away I've been pulling away myself even harder. To spare my feelings I guess. I just can't afford to get hurt again.

Three issues going on here.

1. You have serious self-esteem issues that only you can resolve. No matter how beautiful he says you are to him, you don't believe him, so what else can he do? No one can convince you are attractive if you don't believe you are. I think he is just tired of feeling like he has to lift you up constantly. That can be really draining.

2. Long distance dating can wear down the most confident person. LDRs are hard and not for the faint of heart.

3. Sounds like he has lots of gorgeous female friends. If he's constantly hanging out with, talking too, texting, etc. beautiful women who he says are just friends then I could see how that would be tiresome.

I would try to deal with each issue separately as best I could. And if you feel that you cannot afford to be hurt again, you are not in a good situation. You need to figure out your self-esteem issues. You also need to decide if you really want to be in a ldr and if you want to date a man with lots of female friends. You do have a choice in the matter and have the right to decide that is not what you want.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I recommend a therapist to help you with this.
You have been abused, no self help advice from strangers over the internet nor friends who just want to positive word your way to happiness is going to help.

I would make your overall mental health a priority.

 

[ckisland]

I recommend a therapist to help you with this.
You have been abused, no self help advice from strangers over the internet nor friends who just want to positive word your way to happiness is going to help.

I would make your overall mental health a priority.

^ I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[daydreem2876]

I recently read and article that basically says that when a woman critcizes/puts down herself, men see that as critcizing what it is that they love/think is beautiful about you. Men are funny creatures and for what ever reason it is...they like what they like. Those other women may be beautiful to you, but you are beautiful to him just as you are. Stop giving him a reason to question how he feels about you. Even if you feel insecure, learn to smile, say thank you, baby, and leave it at that. Talk about your insecurities with your girlfriends, that's what they are for.

 

[onelockatatime]

First, in all honesty I would say you are not ready to be in a relationship. But, I am not suggesting you end it, especially since you feel it took so long to find one that was rewarding. However, you have work to do on yourself. I notice in your post you place value on outward appearances. That is the area, I think you need to address. Evaluate your past familial and romantic relationships to determine if that is where you learned this behavior. The beauty of a person truly comes from within. This would probably explain why your man is not dating his "gorgeous" friends, they don't make him feel the way you do. They might and I say might, be more attractive externally but do they exude the same spirit and soul that you possess? It takes more to having a man than just merely attracting one, something has to keep him there...and that is where your strengths come in. Hone in on your strengths. Leave the external appearances to the modeling agencies who are recruiting and the superficial men. Learn to truly enjoy what you have in your man and more importantly in yourself. Stop over analyzing.......

 

[pearcey]

Its been literally years since I've been in a relationship and after awhile I stopped looking. Finally I found the person who really might be 'the one'. I've never made it this far in a relationship. We've met each others parents and we travel to see each other (he lives hours away). I finally feel like I've met someone I can be myself around.

Things started great but they've been going downhill.

I frequently find myself pulling away. He tells me I'm beautiful every day but I still feel unattractive. I constantly compare myself to his friends who are always incredibly gorgeous. I feel like they look at me funny, like 'wtf is he dating'. When I tell him my insecurities, he comforts me, but lately he tells me that my insecureness is pushing him away when I voice my feelings. So I've stopped talking to him about it. But then it builds up inside me and Idon't want to talk to him atall. He tells me this is something I need to fight and get over, but it's only gotten worse with time and distance makes it even harder since we only get to see each other a couple times a month.

I've been cheated on and treated very badly in the past and it's starting to all catch up to me. I never felt as insecure in a relationship as I do now just because I supposed I'm 'damaged'. I feel like i don't deserve him and eventually he'll realize how unattractive I am.

I've been fighting it but it's a losing battle. What should I do?

Ever since he told me that I'm pushing him away I've been pulling away myself even harder. To spare my feelings I guess. I just can't afford to get hurt again.

No one can help you with insecurity. If anything someone complimenting at this point may annoy you or make you feel worse.

or if you voice this to others, and you look or appear nothing like you feel, they may think you are just fishing for compliments.

you have to at some point realize what a girlfriend told me years ago:

there will always be someone smarter than you, prettier than you, [insert comparison], but there is only one you.

It didn't work.

Good luck. Hopefully you won't go the other way like I did and start hurting people to make up for your hurt.

[[[[[hugs]]]]]

this is a great board with a lot of professional women, i am sure you will receive good advice.

i am 40 and just really starting to live...for me and try to ignore the negative voices...

 

[Holla]

I agree with all the ladies above. I'd add:

1) Focus on your strengths. Even if you don't think you are beautiful, there has to be something else that you like about yourself. Make a list and keep it with you mentally. You can highlight to him the things that you feel very secure about.....by drawing his attention to what makes you feel good naturally, he'll compliment you on those other areas as well.

2) Maybe just MAYBE his approach could be tweaked. How? I'm not sure. I remember dating a doctor that used to make me feel some type of way about maintaining (or losing) weight. He never flat out told me THAT but he would make little comments that got a raised eyebrow. That relationship did not last long because I am "a take me as I am" type woman. The very next guy I dated after immediatly him was also very health conscious but he was a good example for me. I was inspired to eat better, workout more, etc. There was no pressure; there was only self-motivation that came about from our interaction. He made it fun for me. I'm not saying you should break up with this dude but be mindful of his approach. Maybe he is overly emphasizing a superficial trait that makes you wonder how much of a priority that is to him. Maybe he is drawing too much attention to your known insecurity a little too often and the frequency fuels your insecurity even more. Maybe he could tweak his compliments (e.g., timing, wording, frequency, etc.) so that you actually feel flattered and not insecure. I say all this to say: maybe he's contributing to your insecurity in ways unknown to him or to you.

3) Good luck. Sometimes matters of our mind are harder to deal with than matters concerning our bodies. You have to build yourself up mentally and that takes practice.