I'm scared to date him because he has a daughter

[KurlyNinja]

I met a really nice guy at my school about a month ago. He's a complete gentleman. He goes to church. Calls his mother every day. He tells me how much he respects me and does not want to rush into doing anything sexual which makes me super comfortable around him. We can talk about almost anything for hours. Its almost creepy how instantly he hit it off. Not to mention... he's really cute!

Its only a few things that holding me back. 1.) He's 25 and I'm 20 and 2.) He has a five year old daughter. erplexed

He told me the whole story about him and his daughters mother. They were never in a relationship. It was kind of a one night stand thing, but its also the reason why he doesn't want to jump into anything sexual with anybody he is dating. He never hid the fact that he had a daughter. You can tell he loves her too and really does take care of her. I just can't get over the fact that he has a daughter. I guess I'm just not sure how I could deal with it. I'm just really confused right now! Any advice will be well received!

 

[Renovating]

If you know you can't deal with it, then don't date him.

 

[ThickHair]

^^^^ I agree, it really is THAT SIMPLE. His daughter will always come first if he is such a great dad.

 

[KurlyNinja]

If you know you can't deal with it, then don't date him.

Its not that I can't deal with it. I just don't even know what to expect. I'd never thought I'd ever even have to be in a situation like this, yet alone at 20.

 

[kmn1980]

Well, I agree with the previous posters. You're 20 and not ready to be a stepmother/stepmother-type figure. Cool. Be honest with yourself and him.

 

[blasianbeauty]

Well, I agree with the previous posters. You're 20 and not ready to be a stepmother/stepmother-type figure. Cool. Be honest with yourself and him.

Dating a man with a baby/child is a huge deal. If he's a good father, you will be second since his child comes first. But if you two are always spending time together and he's not being the father that he should, then that should be a red flag also. You don't want to deal with a man that rarely spends time with his kid/s. So if you think you can handle it then go for it. What's the relationship with his BM like now? Are they friendly or they can't stand each other? Watch out for all that stuff.

 

[KurlyNinja]

Dating a man with a baby/child is a huge deal. If he's a good father, you will be second since his child comes first. But if you two are always spending time together and he's not being the father that he should, then that should be a red flag also. You don't want to deal with a man that rarely spends time with his kid/s. So if you think you can handle it then go for it. What's the relationship with his BM like now? Are they friendly or they can't stand each other? Watch out for all that stuff.

Him and his BM get along fine. He said they had some problems in the past, but get along fine enough to raise their child. I've never actually met his daughter. I think what scares me the most would be crossing the line with the BM thinking I'm trying to take her place as a mother which I definitely do not wish to do!

He said that other people he has dated in the past stopped talking to him when they found out her had a daughter. I'm not trying to pass judgment on him solely on the fact that he has a daughter. I know he's a good person. I've just never had to be in a situation like this before.

 

[Cheleigh]

I'm a step-parent, and I will tell you that I wouldn't have wanted to be one at 20, and especially not if I didn't have kids myself. I didn't even start dating men with a child until I was in my 30s.

It's not so much passing judgement--it's being comfortable with what you want to deal with in a relationship at a specific stage of your life. At 20, at the height of my college career, there was no way that would have interested me in the least.

 

[blasianbeauty]

Him and his BM get along fine. He said they had some problems in the past, but get along fine enough to raise their child. I've never actually met his daughter. I think what scares me the most would be crossing the line with the BM thinking I'm trying to take her place as a mother which I definitely do not wish to do!

He said that other people he has dated in the past stopped talking to him when they found out her had a daughter. I'm not trying to pass judgment on him solely on the fact that he has a daughter. I know he's a good person. I've just never had to be in a situation like this before.

I don't think you have to worry about the BM thinking that unless you DO try to do that. Just observe things verrrry carefully and take it slow, and you will have to be very understanding as well.

 

[mscocoface]

You have a whole lotta life ahead of you.

You two are already talking about sex and relationship so this is deeper than you think it is.

You need to tell him now you have some serious cause for pause because he is a father.

If you can talk to him about the sexual aspects of this relationship you can definitely talk to him about being a father and your concerns about that fact.

Honesty is best.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I have a few questions OP...

Does he have his own place?
Do you have younger siblings?

 

[KurlyNinja]

I have a few questions OP...

Does he have his own place?
Do you have younger siblings?

Yes. He does have his own place. At school and when he's back at home.

I have two younger siblings. one is 15 and one is 8.

 

[kayte]

Dating is very different than being in an exlusive relationship.
especially at 20 ....
sounds like it's the latter....but I'd ask why at this stage...it's only been a month!
you've just met~

I think what scares me the most would be crossing the line with the BM thinking I'm trying to take her place as a mother which I definitely do not wish to do!

OP...it's only been a month. Isn't this kind of premature?

& If the father is responsible he really should not be exposing his
young child to different romantic interests at this early stage
unless/until it's serious

You can go out with him without reading the step mom manual
or how to get along with BM...that's your projection.and trap

You're not his girlfriend! So adhere to the following technicalities
that align with being 20

Date him....and.....date others. Casual....light talk only..Occasional phone calls
fun lighthearted dates. date sporadically...all of this gives you time to see first
who he is

and who he is... with you
and who he is.... minus child with you
and gradually how he is with child.... and you
then you can make a decision...and you've been dating others all along
so it's not a heartbreak for anybody..if you choose to pass on the romance
with him

cas if you date ONLY him even if it's just dating
date constantly...and talk intensely...and every night.....
and are or jointly worrying abt child responsibilties

you've just defaulted into an exclusive
relationship...with all of the encumbrances and none of the security or freedom
at 20 years old

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Yes. He does have his own place. At school and when he's back at home.

I have two younger siblings. one is 15 and one is 8.

Okay, that's good.

I asked that because years ago I almost got into a relationship with a guy who had a child, and at the time he was living at home. We were in the early having fun/dating stage and he was in the process of getting his own place. Once he did get his place, things changed because he was then 100% responsible for taking care of himself financially, AND taking care of his daughter (child support + other stuff he did on the side). All of those new responsibilities stressed him out and I just knew things would never get serious between us at that point. Getting involved with a guy who is already able to take care of himself and his child may be different from my experience.

As for the second question, sometimes people who were the youngest or only child have a hard time adjusting to having to share someone's attention. The fact that you have younger siblings might help you adjust.

I do think 20 is way too young to take on the responsibilities that will come with being a stepmother. However, it is ultimately up to you. I will say that looking back on my brief encounter with a man with a child, I couldn't see myself doing it now, but everyone is different.

 

[KurlyNinja]

@kayte I've never actually met/talked/seen his daughter. I'm definitely not ready for that stage at all. His daughter is with his BM while he's at school, even though he talks to his daughter everyday. But during summer, school break, ect. he has his daughter full time for the most part unless she is visiting with grandparents or her mother.

@Broadstreetbully thank you for your advice. I was wondering if anybody had been in a situation even close to mine. I just don't wish to come off as selfish because I know a daughter needs their father. (I'm a huge daddy's girl) It just scares me because even though it is still in the early stages, i know that this relationship will probably grow into something more serious and i will eventually meet his daughter. And its not like his daughter is a baby, she is already 5. That means she will come with thoughts, opinions and apprehensions on what she thinks about me dating her father. Then there comes the part of my parents and me dating somebody who has a 5 year old daughter.

 

[Summer_Rain]

If I were to be honest, I see two things happening here

1. You're putting the cart too far in front of the horse. It's only been four weeks give or take. At 20 yrs old, I think it's way too soon in a relationship to worry the mother thinking you're trying to take her place. That never happens.

And also...

2. I'd give very little weight to him saying the whole bit about not wanting to get into anything "sexual" to soon, him going to church or him calling his mother every day. Thats part of the rap that these young boys are pushing these days to make it seem like they're "different" than the rest.

Aside from that, I say do what you feel most comfortable doing, just be wise about it..recognize the game for what it is.

 

[KurlyNinja]

@Summer Rain You are probably right. I probably am thinking waaaay to far into the future, but I rather be mentally prepared for it than not. Also I don't want to let the relationship go further if I know for a fact that it won't go anywhere because he has a daughter...

I know a lot of guys put on the whole "I'm a good, church boy" facade, but even if he is faking that (hopefully not) I'm not going to let anything happen that I feel is not respecting my morals.

 

[deltagyrl]

He has one child not octuplets.

It's doable.

I do think 20 is young to deal with the potential drama/stress of your SO having a child BUT if you're both honest (and you pay real close attention) I think you'll be fine.

You're asking all the right questions. Continue to do so. Always, always, always listen to your inner voice. If something feels "off" or if it seems to be "too much" you have EVERY right to back away. Don't feel guilty.

I agree with what SR said. Dudes spit game. It's early don't put pressure on yourself. Take it slow.

Good luck.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I'm a step mother (became one at 24 and DH has joint custody. It was scary meeting the son and BM for the first time. But DH and I had already discussed the boundaries (if I could discipline, how much of a say I got etc) so I was well prepared. I've dated men with children before at a younger age and met the child before we even knew if we would get serious or not (I was just introduced as a friend) and I think that at only knowing each other a month you are getting too far ahead of yourself in thinking. If you like him and he wants you to meet his child you can always say that you want to see where this is going first but like the ladies have said if he is a good father and esp if the baby needs something you will be second in his life. If you think you can be understanding of this then see where it goes. If you can't then go on and cut ties before you getting too carried away.

 

[vestaluv1]

I have a bit of experience with this kind of situation.

This is my personal opinion...
I don't think the age gap is an issue. However, I would think long and hard about getting yourself into this situation. I know you probably love the attention he gives you and you say you get on really well, but you said it yourself... you're only 20. You should be dating different people and not putting all your energy into a situation that your clearly have some reservations about. It sound like you're not totally comfortable with the idea of having to deal with a man who has children, the other issues around that and the impact that will have on your life.

IMO, if you think a serious relationship could come out of this it's not enough to just get on with him really well or be attracted to him physically. You have to look at him and his life as a whole and see how it fits in with you're expectations. You're too young to 'settle' or 'compromise' when you have so much time to find a guy without the complications.

If what he says is true, it's good that he goes to church, but many church goers do not live like Christians (or whatever religion they follow). Likewise, many people who don't attend church but try to live a Godly life.

IDK... I know people make mistakes and no one is perfect, etc, but the fact that he conceived a child as a result of a 'one night stand thing'... . That could be a warning bell.
After a month, you cannot possibly take what he says at face value.

I know this might all sound a bit negative but I'm keeping it real. Its natural to want to see only the best in a prospective partner, but sometimes this means you ignore obvious warning signs if you know what I mean.

I actually think you probably know what you should do. It's whether or not you act upon it.

Good luck in whatever you decide but you have all the time in the world for dating and relationships and having reservations about a guy over such a big issue within the first month of dating isn't a good way to start IMO.

 

[KurlyNinja]

Thanks, ladies! You have really given me a lot of great advice and set things in perspective for me! I'm glad to be amongst a group of really supportive people.