i'm going to make an online dating profile for my mom. without her permission.

[CaraWalker]

yes, yes, i know this is a very controversial idea, but... quite frankly she need some dick in her life. you do not need to tell me everything that is wrong with this idea because i already know and i'm going to do it anyway. so please proceed if you are interested in HELPING.

here are some pros about my mom:

she is a pretty lady and looks very youthful for her age
she owns her home and car and would cook and bring her man a plate
she is stylish and doesnt look like somebodys grandma
she is funny and smart
she can talk on the phone for hours
she will put up with a lot so finding a shining example angel of a man and prohibitively high standards is not a concern

here are some cons:

she complains a lot. about everything. a more accurate way to put it would be "constantly *****ing."
she is not going to change. she is who she is and all the flaws are a part of the package.
she takes perceived slights very personally
she is possibly bitter about men
she makes no effort to meet men, and i have no idea what her dating style is like

so this is what i'm going to do. i'm going to crib a few photos from facebook and make her a profile. i am going to write a very minimal profile that does not stray from her personality and mostly just conveys that she would like to date a man. i am going to choose the responses from a very liberal criteria because i don't know who she would and wouldn't like. and i am going to respond very reasonably without injecting a lot of personality.

when i have found some contenders i am going to explain to my mom what i did and see if she would be interested in meeting any of these men. obviously the idea of online dating is a hurdle for her (please dont make me utter that awful phrase shes a strong independent black woman who dont need no man) but i think the idea of meeting a man may be stronger and win out in the end. so hopefully she may be interested in meeting somebody.

if you have advice on what i should and shouldnt do in regards to the profile, and how to break the news to her when the time comes, please help.

okthnxbye

 

[CaraWalker]

dear friends,

the pickings are very very slim

but i feel i struck a good balance with the tone of the profile.

edit

my mom received her first message

Here's some about me.
I was born on a farm. I still live within 6 miles of it but we do not farm it anymore. My family share cropped it for close to 100 years but when the owner passed in 87 we had to move on. Growing up we had everything you could imangin on the farm. 80 head of cattle, 2 work horses, 2 ponies, 30 chickens, 200 feeder pigs, 4 ducks, 2 goats, 2 lambs, 2 dogs and I dont know how many barn cats.
I lost my mother to Cancer when I was 8 so it was just my Dad, older brother and me. My Dad never dated again and he passed when I was 26. I think he was so lonely for Mom he just gave up. He drank alot after Mom passed and that is what took him. I only have a beer every now and then and havent been drunk since I dont know when. After Mom passed Grandma help when she could and by the time I was 10 I was cooking dinners like a pro. She taught me how to sew and knit too but I dont advertise that!! I farmed till 83 and then got on with the State and have been here ever since. My town is a small farming community where everyone wants to know everyones elses business. Ive was our local Scoutmaster for our Boy scout troop for 15 years. I stepped down last January and now just help out when needed. i had the honor to work with over 300 youths and 27 of them earned their Eagle rank including my 2 sons and I also keep stats for our High School football and Baseball teams.
I am a very romantic person and always put my partners desires first. I love making little gifts to give and will steal a kiss at every oppertunity. Im not one to worry about age as I feel we are all just 25 and get a year of seasoning after that. I am a very romantic man and love to spoil and make my partner feel very special. I love all the little things that one can do for another, like calling up just to say youre thinking of them or leaving little notes for them to find. I love surprising them with gifts I have made or a vase of their favorite flowers. I love to snuggle and kiss for hours. Little nibbles on the neck are great but nothing beats those long slow deep passionate ones that send chills throughout your body and curls your toes.
I am a big outdoorsman. My dream home is a mountain cabin with a stream running in front. I love to camp and do so once a month year round. Always tent camp and if its a clear night I just put up a lean-to and lay under that and look at the stars as I fall asleep. Every February I go to michigan for a weekend and build a igloo that I stay in. I love to hike both in the day and at night as you see and hear so many different things. I like to canoe especially in the fall as all the trees are turning. Day and weekend get aways are fun, going to areas you never been to before and exploring the towns. Love flea markets and festivals.
Im very romantic and love kiss and snuggle for hours. I like holding hands as we walk and cooking meals together. I love seafood and walley and ocean perch is my favorites but will eat about anything but sushi. I like pepperoni pizza and lasanga too. Being a corn fed country boy I like my steak and potatoes too. My favorite smells are fresh cut clover and grass after a spring rain. The smell of fresh baked bread is pretty awesome too. I like lilacs and one eyed susans and would rather recieve something someone made over store bought.
Depending on the weather I'm a jeans, cut-off shorts and tee shirt type of guy. Hate to wear socks and will go bare foot whenever I can. I can dress up when I have to. I love animals of all types. Hunted years ago as a young boy but always felt so bad if I shot something. Always hunt with a camera now. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I really get burned because of it. Alway try and help anyone in need. I am very involved with youth programs.
Well there's some more about who I am. Hope you didnt fall asleep. Feel free to ask whatever else you would like to know. I have tried to post 6 different pics but they keep telling me the pixels are too small. Will send a few if you would like to write me at at hot mail dot com. Hope to hear from you but if not I wish you all the best. Big snuggles and long slow deep passionate kisses--John

 

[Briabiggles]

Good luck! I can't wait to read about the shenanigans to come!

Sent from my iPad mini mini.

 

[qchelle]

That was the most thorough message I've ever read in my life awwwwww johnnnnn lol

 

[CaraWalker]

my eyes glazed over two sentences in i cant even read that **** the **** is your problem john

 

[lust for life]

Why did John tell his whole life story doe?

 

[CaraWalker]

deleted; ima come back to this

 

[GoldenRule]

I know my kids use this site. Pleeeaaassseee don't be one of my daughters. John is scaring me.

 

[PeaceFlow]

yes, yes, i know this is a very controversial idea, but... quite frankly she need some dick in her life.

I wasnt expecting this

 

[ivyness]

Sits. Waits for the foolery.

I love it when you American ladies are on holidays you always deliver.

 

[Buckeyecurlz]

OMG, John put it all out there...bless his heart!

 

[FlowerHair]

I would not be happy if my child did this to me...lol!

But go ahead...your mother may be a good sport!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

John is a serial killer. Either he is emotionally unstable and a murderer or he keeps that response in Word to cut and paste to any new user profile to troll for sex.

I think online dating is a great idea but you need to carefully screen. Lots of people pretend to be whoever they think you want.

 

[FlowerHair]

I wouldn't ask my worst enemy to date John!

I envision this barefoot man trying to invite a lady to his yearly igloo vacation.

Big snuggles and long slow deep passionate kisses--John

Yikes!

 

[MrsTimberlake]

Subscribing because I cannot wait to read what happens. It can go 1 of 2 ways...either your mom will be so mad she won't speak to you for a while or you will get a new step daddy

As for John, any man that needs to tell you 3 times in 1 email that he's romantic, frightens me. That was just too much for a first email.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

 

[Buckeyecurlz]

Subscribing because I cannot wait to read what happens. It can go 1 of 2 ways...either your mom will be so mad she won't speak to you for a while or you will get a new step daddy

As for John, any man that needs to tell you 3 times in 1 email that he's romantic, frightens me. That was just too much for a first email.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

ITA, it's creepy as heck...he's sounds too hard up!

Stalker vibes...

 

[CaraWalker]

dear friends,

despite the age group and everything (id figure old people arent online dating) my mom got around 10 messages in less than 12 hours! w00t! what a bunch of pretty *****es that dudes want to bone in this family i took another look at the photo i posted of her, after having seen some of her age appropriate male counterparts, and wondered if i needed to label and date it. she really doesnt look nearly 60 years old, which she is. its from about a year ago and she looks about 50 years old.

i personally dont like plenty of fish, but after seeing nothing but a bunch of old white men in her okcupid visitors, i figured id have better luck with black men on pof. my mom aint checking for no white men. i dont know if shes ever had a white man as a friend let alone date. they are EVERYWHERE. i expected it to be mainly black men at this age not a bunch of lonely old crackas.

about half her messages are from white men, half from black men. one black man is 63 and wearing a cerulean blue pimp suit complete with hat, i took the liberty of ignoring that one for her.

online dating is also a different landscape for old people. i got a poorly ESL written message that came with a warning about not sending people money and online scams also idk if okcupid just started doing this or if its for old people but now when i signed it up there was a page that said "show me your type" that forces you to like about 5 profiles (it was hard to find 5 for that ). and im thinking distance isnt as much of a factor. personally i dont do the long distance thing but i get the sense when youre older youre not as picky about that so i think i will also be responding to messages from men that are a reasonable long distance away. theyre grown, they got money, they can figure it out.

HUGS,

cara (idk since im writing about old people i feel compelled to compose these responses like an old person on the internets would )

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Love this thread.

*grabs a seat*

 

[DarkJoy]

Subscribing!

 

[tibb1908]

I like it and I can't wait for the results.

 

[PJaye]

You might as well go and get the switch right now in preparation...

 

[CaliiSwagg]

This is hilarious

 

[DarkJoy]

You might as well go and get the switch right now in preparation...

........

 

[aviddiva77]

... I should do this for my mom. Ahe stay turning men down.

 

[NappyNelle]

bump CaraWalker You crack me up in every thread.

 

[CaraWalker]

dear friends,

i logged into my mom's profile for the first time since thanksgiving and she has 8 messages and 136 views. oh hell yeah. lets see what we have:

God fearing Spiritual man

I hope I've found you well. I am also hopeful you will have an interest in getting to know me as I do you.

he's cute! i'm feeling it! my mom be on some ol christian whatever, so this is good stuff! yessir! i wouldnt hit it though, but thats good bc hes old enough to be my daddy!

and from a lonely gentleman that lives across the country,

im [xxxx] , a military that I'm living a boring life here, which makes me very sad to the point that is why I am here on the site in search of my life partner

sad trumpet. moving right along...

73 year old man,

P.S.
I Got A Sense That You're Opened To Trying New Things And That Makes Me Feel Comfortable And At Ease.

you old enough to be my momma's daddy, what the hell new things you are interested in trying? i'm not gonna lie he looks pretty good for 73! but unless he got some money... i dont think ima do my mama like that...

a man of comparable age,

Your profile gave me a smile, so I'm giving you one in fair exchange...you are adorable and cutie, you've got a wonderful photo. you look so pretty and innocent in your picture, you even look younger than your age.. I am new at this, but I couldn't help saying "Hi. what's your name?"

i like his message but he's all the way in california. maybe if i can expedite this quickly enough my mom can decide whether or not she wants to get back to him before too much time has passed.

there are a few contenders in here, so let me get to replying to these dull *** messages when i barely feel like replying to my own online dating harem but we do a lot of strange things for the people we love...

HUGS,

cara

post script:

look at this:

About me, my daughter graduated from the University of Kentucky in May of 2011 with a degree in English, she wants to pursue a career in communicate. My daughter currently lives in Cleveland with her mother while working at Human Arc as a Health Representative.

i understand this, because i had to resist the urge to write about all my mom's kids too since i didnt know what she would really say if she were writing the profile yall know this his daughter trying to do the same thing im doing we look out for our stupid old computer illiterate parents

 

[GoldenRule]

Oh dear GOD -- you are soooooooo busted when she finds out. I'm just hanging around for the

Cara's gonna get it
Cara's gonna get it
Cara's gonna get it!!

 

[ms.mimi]

This too cute! Cara you are a bad girl! YASSSSS!

 

[Ganjababy]

This is so sweet. That country dude scares me.

 

[BostonMaria]

Cara you have me Rollin!!! I would literally kill my DD if she did this to me.

Somebody please PM me when Cara's mom finds out. We will probably need to visit this poor child in the hospital