I'm embarrassed to admit that my biggest insecurity in relationships is..

K

Kiadodie

Well-Known Member
One of my biggest fears that I realized I have is that a man will realize that I am not domestic enough. I can’t cook and I have a hard time keeping my place tidy therefore he will not accept me as I am. I know this sounds scary and maybe stupid to some, but it’s real to me. :nono:

Now, let me update you guys. Growing up, my mom had 2 jobs and was barely home. She didn’t teach me a thing..confidence, cooking, about men, how to maintain my hair etc. name it. I had to grow up and learn some things the hard way and some things...I just never learned. :ohwell:

For the longest time, I held a grudge against her but then chose to forgive her because of her upbringing. She couldn’t give me what she herself wasn’t given.

So now, when I do get into relationships I keep them at a distance. :perplexed At first I really thought it was because I didn’t want to get hurt. Then recently my aunt told me, you’re scared they are going to find out that you can’t cook and you’re not domestic enough. I had to think about it, and yes..that is the truth. I never was taught to cook nor do I LIKE to cook. I know that’s what MOST men like, but I don’t possess that. As for my place, I keep it tidy for the most part BUT there are times it’s a mess and I wouldn’t want anyone to come in.

I know that this all sounds petty and something to overcome but it has REALLY become a true insecurity of mine to the point that it keeps me away from having relationships.:sad:

Can anyone relate or any advise?
 
I just got engaged, and this is forcing, well I wouldn't say force because I am liking it more enough, but it is allowing me to learn how to cook.

I'm learning and he knows. He's learning and I know! I mean a good thing is that we met in college so there were no grown woman expectations from me.
But tell those men you can't cook but you're trying to learn.

The problem is most women are like: "I can't cook". "Don't wanna learn". "I'm to fly too be cooking for some man".. "I ain't his wife nor his mama" and the list goes on.
 
freshlikemoi said:
The problem is most women are like: "I can't cook". "Don't wanna learn". "I'm to fly too be cooking for some man".. "I ain't his wife nor his mama" and the list goes on.
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I don't think the bolded is a problem. Some people just don't like to cook - period - and that's OK as long as your SO/DH is OK with it. I have plenty of friends in committed relationships who don''t cook and don't care to learn.

I think there are certain kinds of men who want a fully domesticated wife. But there are certainly others who are a tad more realistic, especially given that many women work outside of the home these days. I used to think it was funny that I "couldn't" cook, but I always, unintentionally, ended up with guys who could.

I was motivated to start cooking for myself in college and by the fact that I knew that one day I would need to cook for my kids. Of course I could eat out, but it's expensive and you never know what you're really eating unless you make it yourself. Now, I did start to feel a tad insecure when I met DH and found out his mom could really cook. But I just took notes from her and the cooking forum here and DH loves my cooking. But again, he cooks a lot too.

Now I'm big on keeping my house clean. There's a difference between a messy house and a down right nasty house. The latter is a no-no. But I think most people have had times when there house needed a little tidying up. Speaking of which, I need to call Maria :look:
 
I'm sort of like you. My mother was a single-mom, she worked all the time and when she came home she was always tired. She didn't teach me anything about men nor did she teach me how to cook or clean.

However, I dont blame her anymore because she did what she had to do and she did it alone. She couldnt do it all. Quite frankly, she couldn't keep a man, couldnt keep her room clean, and I've grown to despise the same boring staple meal she cooks every sunday. So praise God she didn't try to teach me anything. :blush:
For a while she blamed me for not helping her cook and she says she knew how to do everything for herself by the time she was 7. My grandmother was a stay at home mom, with a husband in the West Indies where all of our family is- of course she knew more than I know now. I wasn't raised!


I actually cannot cook, but I enjoy opening a cook book and learning a new recipe. I'm also naturally germaphobic so I can clean better than anyone I know. So if my skills in the kitchen lack, I know I can fall back on everything else... I would advise that you learn how to do some meals and become good at them. You didn't know how to do your hair, you joined a hair forum, right? There's a cooking section on this forum, so check out some recipes. I know they also have threads on keeping the house clean. HTH
 
I was raised to be domestic either. My mother was such a neat freak when I came home from school everything was clean and done. She always wanted domestic things done her way. But when I got married I learned how to be domestic and I did a really good job. But I was a housewife then and I had more time to learn. Now that I'm divorced, working full times, and running two business, it's hard. You can learn to be domestic though.
 
My parents FORCED me to learn how to cook when I was young, even though I protested. I've always hated forcing kids into gender roles, but the plus side is I can cook (and my brother can't lol). My darling SO love tocook and we have a ball making dinner together when he's here. :dinner:
 
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I detested all the domestic crap when I was younger. But in our family boys as well as he girls had to learn how to cook. Boy did that skill help me in college. My family says that I am the best cook of the generation that we are in. My mother is such a good cook I swear she could take mud and make it taste like filet mignon. But now I only make Guest Appearances in the kitchen. I never let a man know I could cook cause he'd be expecting all the time. My room is sort of messy but the rest of the house is sterile and pristine. You can learn to be domestic.

It just takes a little time

Just do a serious once a week cleaning and pick up everyday so you won't be overwhelmed.
 
Well Im married and I dont cook much, DH does most of the time. If this is something that is really pressing for you, check out the recipes on the Home board and all the various Youtube channels out there. Next year you might have your own channel. Dont beat yourself up about this! It's not a dealbreaker for all men and there are certainly enough women on here that can set you off in the right direction.
 
I tell them straight up I can't cook, etc. But when I'm with someone I like I'm always willing to try. I haven't been someone consistent enough to actually learn though. Since I'm single it's easier to eat out.

but my dad was the cook in our house so I figured I'd just find a man like him. if a man doesn't want me because I'm not great at cooking and cleaning then I hope he leaves me and marries someone from molly maid :)
 
You guys are great, thank you :yep:. It's not that I don't want to cook, I just never learned and anything I've ever tried..always turned out bad. :ohwell: I guess I got discouraged.

Then, most men I meet ask me too cook something for them.:blush: I don't want to tell them I dont know how so I hide it but you can only do that for so long.

I know as women have a list of the type of man they want, most men's list will have a good cook on it..that's what I am guessing. :ohwell:
 
My husband married me for who I was - a food burning, non-cleaning woman. If he loves u it won't matter. Don't stress yourself. Many women can't, don't, or won't cook or clean. (I learned from him, friends, family and other sorces as time went by -and still learning and burning).
 
dodie said:
You guys are great, thank you :yep:. It's not that I don't want to cook, I just never learned and anything I've ever tried..always turned out bad. :ohwell: I guess I got discouraged.

Then, most men I meet ask me too cook something for them.:blush: I don't want to tell them I dont know how so I hide it but you can only do that for so long.

I know as women have a list of the type of man they want, most men's list will have a good cook on it..that's what I am guessing. :ohwell:
Click to expand...

I'm an average cook... Crock pots are your friend, btw... makes it seem like you whipped up an excellent meal and all you did was throw some meat and veggies in a pot and walked away! :)

I also think that one's cooking skills improve in a relationship. My mom can BURN and I just assumed she was always a great cook. But guess what... she wasn't. She said that she got better AFTER she got married and started cooking for her husband and kids.


Now, on a different note... I guess I'm wondering why all these men who are NOT your boyfriend (I assume) or husband are asking you if you cook or to cook for them. I think that's kinda overstepping their bounds... I mean, sure I understand that they want to be with someone who is a good cook. That's fine.

But I'm thinking that until we are actually together in a relationship, I shouldn't be put in a position to "show" you that I have this skill.

What you might want to do in certain conversations is just randomly mention that you have to make dinner that night/buy groceries for dinner/etc., so they can have an idea that you cook and that satisfies any curiosity that I have. But I've never really had men straight up ask me, "Do you cook?"

I'm not one of those women who walks around "bragging" that I don't cook (and never will be), but I don't advertise that I DO cook either. Unless you are my man, that's irrelevant information... and even if you are my boyfriend, you won't be getting home-cooked meals on a regular basis. I'll invite you over for dinner from time to time, but regular cooking is a husband privilege.
 
There are men who don't care about this stuff. Many men do, but some don't. My friend is married and her husband does all the cooking. She can't boil water to save her life.

You shouldn't have to drastically change yourself to make a man. In your case, I would say change it because it seems like it is something that actually bothers you. If you sincerely believe your role in the home, you can learn it. Take cooking courses at a community college, watch foodnetwork, there's so many blogs and videos online nowadays.

At the end of the day if it isn't your thing - don't push it. Be honest with a man, most good men will be put off you if you are all like "I don't want to cook for no man..." versus, "I don't really like cooking, and my mom never taught me how."
 
I am a decent cook with a couple of great recipes under my belt.

I don't enjoy cooking and since I have been married I average one meal per week:perplexed

I am lucky though, because DH doesn't seem to mind. He lived on his own for three years and he is a pro at the George Forman grill. He is also a neat freak so he does most of the cleaning...Thank God for OCD!:giggle:

I am working on getting better at this because I feel it is important to feed my family well. My goal has been to consistently cook 3-4 meals per week.
 
Bunny77 said:
I'm an average cook... Crock pots are your friend, btw... makes it seem like you whipped up an excellent meal and all you did was throw some meat and veggies in a pot and walked away! :)

I also think that one's cooking skills improve in a relationship. My mom can BURN and I just assumed she was always a great cook. But guess what... she wasn't. She said that she got better AFTER she got married and started cooking for her husband and kids.


Now, on a different note... I guess I'm wondering why all these men who are NOT your boyfriend (I assume) or husband are asking you if you cook or to cook for them. I think that's kinda overstepping their bounds... I mean, sure I understand that they want to be with someone who is a good cook. That's fine.

But I'm thinking that until we are actually together in a relationship, I shouldn't be put in a position to "show" you that I have this skill.

What you might want to do in certain conversations is just randomly mention that you have to make dinner that night/buy groceries for dinner/etc., so they can have an idea that you cook and that satisfies any curiosity that I have. But I've never really had men straight up ask me, "Do you cook?"

I'm not one of those women who walks around "bragging" that I don't cook (and never will be), but I don't advertise that I DO cook either. Unless you are my man, that's irrelevant information... and even if you are my boyfriend, you won't be getting home-cooked meals on a regular basis. I'll invite you over for dinner from time to time, but regular cooking is a husband privilege.
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No, they are NOT my boyfriends. Believe it or not, they ask anyway. I don't know what is up with that??? :perplexed In fact, my ex boyfriend did ALL the cooking...it was never an issue and he knew I didn't cook.

I think I'm becoming more paranoid...the older I'm getting, I feel like it's a requirement of men now or at least the men I've come across lately.:perplexed And sadly to say..it's become my insecurity. :sad: I mean, it literally stops me from being too intimate on all levels...I'm ashamed. :sad: Am I exaggerating you think? Even this lady at work told me if I want to get married I better learn to cook cause that's most men's deal breaker.
 
I'm not the most domestic girl in the world, but I have definately gotten better with the cooking/baking thing. It takes practice, the more you do it, the better you get it at it. You really can get this kind of stuff down if you want too.

As for the cleaning thing, when I get a house andor get married, I'm so doing the once a week cleaning lady thing. I'll keep things tidy but I'll have help too.
 
If you really want to learn to cook you can do it. You have great resources right here on this site. Don't be afraid to experiment and you'll be fine.

But, please believe being Betty Crocker is not a requirement. Men cook for me disproportionately more than I cook for them (if ever). My subconscious let's me know that I really care for a man when I actually WANT to cook for him. The rest get to take me to dinner or we order delivery/take out. No one has ever made me feel less worthy because they've never had my cooking.

As far as cleaning, I make sure the common areas are always guest ready, even if I'm not expecting company. The bathroom should always be clean, at least do a spray and wipe every few days and a good scrub once a week. No dishes should be left in the sink overnight and wipe down your stove (even if you haven't used it) and countertops after you wash the dishes. Put your clothes in your bedroom and hang up your jackets and coats instead of throwing them down on the couch/chair/desk. If you do this everyday, you should be able to keep the place tidy without losing your mind.
 
Girl get you a cook book and watch the food channel...it is never too late to learn lol (that's what I did)
And just have a cleaning schedule where you clean up..

And if the man really loves you he will have patience with those issues
 
They are trying to scare you! I can cook to survive, lol, my mom makes soups and stuff from scratch, but I didn't bother learning. I figure if a man loves you, he will love you regardless. When the time comes just tell him to go sit his behind on the couch while you order up some pizzahut.
 
I'm from the South...so there's cooking...then there's "cooking".

I can nourish a man..and family..and make it taste pretty good.

But a lot of people down here want greens, cornbread, pinto beans...potato salad, "chitlins", sweet potato pie, banana pudding.

And I'm like :perplexed:perplexed:nono::nono:...I can't make that!!!

I like to call myself a contemporary cook..

I can make you some baked chicken, rice a roni, green beans and dinner rolls!:lachen::lachen::lachen: and that's about it!
 
Marry a chef and hire a cleaning person. Just kidding, but not quite.:look:

You can always start stalking DLewis' blog :lol: or watch cooking shows on TV.

But in the end, if you're not domestic and have no desire to be, then you need to bring other things to the table and find someone who is okay with your lack of domestication. My girlfriend just got engaged, and she hates to cook, but her fiance loves to cook, so they're fine.
 
There are lots of men these days who dont mind a woman who can't cook even when they can't cook.
If it bothers you that much. Maybe you can start by learning simple basic dishes and just keep it at that. As far as messiness, we all go through our moments with our busy schedules but we tidy up when we have time and get a chance. I dont think that would necessarily be a huge factor unless you are messy 24/7 365 days of the year:grin:.
 
Lkaysgirl said:
There are lots of men these days who dont mind a woman who can't cook even when they can't cook.
If it bothers you that much. Maybe you can start by learning simple basic dishes and just keep it at that. As far as messiness, we all go through our moments with our busy schedules but we tidy up when we have time and get a chance. I dont think that would necessarily be a huge factor unless you are messy 24/7 365 days of the year:grin:.
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Yes, that would be me.:yep: You guys made me feel so much better abt things. :yep:

To be honest, I do want to learn. I just asked a close friend of mine if we could cook together on weekends and she could teach me a few meals and she said sure.:yep: I realize I really DO want to be more domesticated and the fact that I"m not really bothered me. I'm going to try to learn a few different dishes and be confident in cooking those.
Thanks everyone !!!!
 
dodie said:
One of my biggest fears that I realized I have is that a man will realize that I am not domestic enough. I can’t cook and I have a hard time keeping my place tidy therefore he will not accept me as I am. I know this sounds scary and maybe stupid to some, but it’s real to me. :nono:
Click to expand...

My mother was a career woman as well, so I can relate. I started working at a young age, and I had a younger sister who loved to cook (she was going to be a chef until she changed her mind, and went into business) and tidy the house, so I got the domestic pass. Now, that I want to move out on my own, I'm fearful that I'm gonna fall flat on my face. But question, what exactly is "domestic enough"? If a man can't cook or clean, he really can't judge me, right? Be accountable to yourself, and don't worry about being accepted by some guy just because you can't cook like the people on the Food Network. I am sick of the guys that compare you to their saintly, "look at me" mothers who can cook from scratch and clean the house spic and span. If they want someone like their mother, then they better marry them instead! I'm hoping that I marry a gourmet chef who loves to clean in his spare time, so that it could motivate the domestic diva within. Lord help us both. :lachen:
 
I don't think it matters all that much. I can cook but I am probably the messiest person I know. Its never kept me from dating seriously. Sometimes, a guy will come in my room and kind of look at me sideways, but other than that, it doesn't really come up. It may change when I get married and I actually have to live with the other person though.
 
I can't cook and I'm not tidy hence my organization challenge. I just take it one step at a time and I'm learning day by day! Don't worry, your fiance or husband won't be "perfect" either. We all have our flaws, but as long as we work on them we'll be fine.
 
I cook when I want to. I will never be again a cook everyday wife...been there, done that. I greatly admire those who can do it like that. I hope the man God sends me will be OK with the way I am; I like eating out and cooking once in a while.
 
All men have a list, but I honestly think the cooking is not on the top nor very high on the list.

Now cleaning, I think that should be a requirement for men and women. Get into a good routine now while single, because it will just become harder when you get married and have kids.

I couldn't cook anything but scrambled eggs and ramen when I first moved out, but I could get on the phone to call my sis, get on the internet and open a cookbook.

I remember calling my sis, (she was already married by then), and asking her do you coat chicken in flour or cornmeal to fry it. I was that lost.

Is your mom still around now, if so it's not too late. Call her up now and tell her you want to learn.

BTW, hubby likes cornbread from scratch. I don't eat it and don't want to learn to cook it. He eats Jiffy (box cornbread) and eats the real stuff when we go to one of our mom's house. He can either eat Jiffy with me and the kids or learn to make it from "scratch" himself. :lachen:
 
Here's the trick, find a man that really enjoys cooking and shower him with praises!
I seen this work growing up in our household. My dad was the cook and my mom use to brag to anyone she could and tell the how great her husband was at cooking. He cooked for EVERYONE and at every event: family reunions, weddings, school/sporting events, graduation and the list goes on....

As long as a man knows that his efforts are appreciated, he will have no problem taking on domesticated responsibilities. We women just have to give them a lil' push in the right direction and that comes with highlighting his strengths and not focusing on our weaknesses.

^^^^However, I'm co-signing with Michelle81 - Cleaning is a requirement! I was never big on cleaning either but as a get older, I'm starting to tap more into my domesticated side. You'll feel better about yourself once you get into the habit...Sounds kinda strange, but it does help boost your self-esteem!

Btw, a lot of male friends have told me they correlate a women's housecleaning abilities to their feminine personal hygiene. Sad but true...so you definitely do want to give the wrong impression. :nono:
 
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