If you're married but have NEVER colored w/ your partner are u really married?

[LovelyNaps26]

I read this article and it is pretty sad. Here is the link. Below is the beginning of the woman's question. I always thought a marriage had to be consummated for it to be fully complete in the spiritual and legal sense. This is why people can get annulments, rather than divorces if there has been no sex.


I am 31 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for four years now. We have never had sex. Never. Nothing at all. My husband ingests too much tension and anxiety in his job, finances, and our relationship. We tried to engage in intercourse a couple of times when we were first married, but he couldn't get excited enough to penetrate me. Then we started making excuses as to why we couldn't do it. It became a stigma for us.

What do you think? Is this woman really married?

Would YOU stay on for four consecutive years w/ nothing?

 

[kmn1980]

Wow. They are basically roommates. C.O.U.L.D.N.T.B.E.M.E.

 

[cutiebe2]

nope...

a good 20% of my desired to get married to to be able to color like crazy..like wear that crayon out with God's total approval.

Even from a religious perspective, sex and intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage

 

[YankeeCandle]

I don't really understand the question, OP. "Are you really married?" Well, I guess that's a legal issue (whether a civil legal issue or a religious e.g. Jewish, Roman Catholic, etc. legal issue).

But I don't really think it's the most relevant question for the poor woman who shared her story, because even if she is considered married within the eyes of her civil society and/or particular religious or cultural system, does she want to remain married to him? Want to try to make it work ? What's expected of her in this situation? of him? At what point does "what's expected of me" completely go against her own needs and desires or the general health of the marriage?

Assuming she does still love him and that she wanted to be married to him to begin with, those are the questions I would be more interested in getting an answer to if I were her.

 

[lavaflow99]

I wouldn't have made it 4 years without coloring. It would lead me to look elsewhere for some attention.....i know so bad!! But this girl got her needs.....

On a serious note, they should counseling....or viagra.....

In a court of law, they are married.

 

[dlewis]

I would not stay. She must really love that man.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I am 31 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for four years now. We have never had sex. Never. Nothing at all. My husband ingests too much tension and anxiety in his job, finances, and our relationship. We tried to engage in intercourse a couple of times when we were first married, but he couldn't get excited enough to penetrate me. Then we started making excuses as to why we couldn't do it. It became a stigma for us.

LIES. He phuckin...he just ain't phuckin her.

"Then we started making excuses as to why we couldn't do it."

No shuga, HE not "we" was makin excuses...u was just dumb enuff to believe them.

 

[dlewis]

What happened to the days when a husband would get a hardon just by lookin at his wife that's been home all day in a moomoo?

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

What happened to the days when a husband would get a hardon just by lookin at his wife that's been home all day in a moomoo?

those days still exist chile....uh huh..if he's comin home straight from prison, it exists....


im mad u said moomoo lolololol.....wassup MISS DD!!!!!

 

[Cichelle]

What happened to the days when a husband would get a hardon just by lookin at his wife that's been home all day in a moomoo?

I had a guy tell me point blank once that women need to realize that these days you can't just stand in your underwear and think your man is going to get excited. He said men have seen much more than that in adult movies, so chicks need to "work harder" and "do something with theyself". erplexed I guess he wants women to compete with the nasty porn he watches all the time. Desensitization.

To the OP, my opinon is if they have a marriage license they are married. But a divorce will be quite easy in most places because withholding sex and affection is usually grounds. As for whether they are spiritually married, that's up to whatever religion they are...if that matters at all to them.

 

[dlewis]

those days still exist chile....uh huh..if he's comin home straight from prison, it exists....


im mad u said moomoo lolololol.....wassup MISS DD!!!!!

It exists in my house and my DH has never been to prison. I where and updated moomoo though. caftan, moomoo still the same.

 

[ladylibra_30]

Yes, you are married but not happily ever after.

In the words of the late Bernie Mac - I'd be a cheatin' summamabich! J/K!

 

[dlewis]

I had a guy tell me point blank once that women need to realize that these days you can't just stand in your underwear and think your man is going to get excited. He said men have seen much more than that in adult movies, so chicks need to "work harder" and "do something with theyself". erplexed I guess he wants women to compete with the nasty porn he watches all the time. Desensitization.

I'd rather be by myself.

 

[Imani]

I had a guy tell me point blank once that women need to realize that these days you can't just stand in your underwear and think your man is going to get excited. He said men have seen much more than that in adult movies, so chicks need to "work harder" and "do something with theyself". erplexed I guess he wants women to compete with the nasty porn he watches all the time. Desensitization.

To the OP, my opinon is if they have a marriage license they are married. But a divorce will be quite easy in most places because withholding sex and affection is usually grounds. As for whether they are spiritually married, that's up to whatever religion they are...if that matters at all to them.

This is the sentiment I get from a lot of guys my age (late 20s). You are expected to be a video vixen/stripper/porn star.

 

[Keen]

I am 31 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for four years now. We have never had sex. Never. Nothing at all. My husband ingests too much tension and anxiety in his job, finances, and our relationship. We tried to engage in intercourse a couple of times when we were first married, but he couldn't get excited enough to penetrate me. Then we started making excuses as to why we couldn't do it. It became a stigma for us.

LIES. He phuckin...he just ain't phuckin her.

"Then we started making excuses as to why we couldn't do it."

No shuga, HE not "we" was makin excuses...u was just dumb enuff to believe them.

I mean, not even one time with his own wife? It's not like they used to but they don't anymore. I'm thinking something is wrong with him.

 

[Keen]

I had a guy tell me point blank once that women need to realize that these days you can't just stand in your underwear and think your man is going to get excited. He said men have seen much more than that in adult movies, so chicks need to "work harder" and "do something with theyself". erplexed I guess he wants women to compete with the nasty porn he watches all the time. Desensitization.

To the OP, my opinon is if they have a marriage license they are married. But a divorce will be quite easy in most places because withholding sex and affection is usually grounds. As for whether they are spiritually married, that's up to whatever religion they are...if that matters at all to them.

Hi Cichelle!!!

I was just thinking I haven't seen you post recently.

 

[awhyley]

This is the sentiment I get from a lot of guys my age (late 20s). You are expected to be a video vixen/stripper/porn star.

Which is so unfair. They want to get on in whenever, looking all ashy, breath smelling, etc. and expect women to drop like it's hot anytime.

LIES. He phuckin...he just ain't phuckin her.

I have to agree with this. She needs to hire a private investigator, because if the plumbing was working before the marriage, and now there's an 'issue' something has changed, other than his workload.

 

[dlewis]

I don't think they ever had sex. No type of sex.

I think he's an asexual. They ought to be having some kind of sex.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

Well, the article made me think that if she decided to up and leave him b/c of the issue, would she really be "terminating" the marriage the way one who is engaging in sexual intimacy with a partner would be considered to have terminated the marriage. It is a technical question, but the based on your opinion, how do you see it? . Sex is a natural part of a HEALTHY marriage, so if it totally absent then is she basically just roomates with this guy?. It's subjective, obviously, but I would feel weird saying "this is my husband" when all we have done is kiss and hold hands I'm not saying the ceremony and the certificate mean nothing but it just seems like I had a wedding but didn't really experience a marriage, if that makes any sense.

I don't really understand the question, OP. "Are you really married?" Well, I guess that's a legal issue (whether a civil legal issue or a religious e.g. Jewish, Roman Catholic, etc. legal issue).

But I don't really think it's the most relevant question for the poor woman who shared her story, because even if she is considered married within the eyes of her civil society and/or particular religious or cultural system, does she want to remain married to him? Want to try to make it work ? What's expected of her in this situation? of him? At what point does "what's expected of me" completely go against her own needs and desires or the general health of the marriage?

Assuming she does still love him and that she wanted to be married to him to begin with, those are the questions I would be more interested in getting an answer to if I were her.

 

[FlowerHair]

Yes, either he is asexual or he's screwing someone/something else...

I would get out of the marriage. She gave it a good 4 years. Who can blame her. She's still a young woman, she can't live like this for the rest of her life. It's not like they married at 80.

 

[mscocoface]

There is more to this situation than what we are reading. At the very least he should be attempting to try even if he fails and shows frustration.

Either he had this issue before marriage and did not discuss it or there is some other stuff going on.

 

[dlewis]

What woman wants to be with a man whos not excited by her? She sounds crazy for staying.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I'm not saying the ceremony and the certificate mean nothing but it just seems like I had a wedding but didn't really experience a marriage, if that makes any sense.

I see where you're coming from and probably would have feelings like that too, especially if the people involved had been celibate before marriage. I could definitely understand that feeling of "Uh, am I really married?"erplexed

In fact, an interesting point is that in some cultures (more than likely not the one of the woman who posted her problem, though), a marriage is achieved by two people moving in together and having sex and basically holding themself out to society as a married couple. What's important is both intent of the couple but, even more crucial than that, the eyes and views of society watching them. (In any society/culture, indeed, no matter the way they construct marriage, there is that all important element of social legitimization.)

It's interesting to see this example of the opposite situation: two people "married" by the magical saying of words over them by either an officiant of the state or a religious officiant but lacking a union that is truly "conjugal" in the literal meaning of the word.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

see, i would suspect cheating if things tapered off. but NOTHING I really sympathize with this woman b/c I'm waiting until I'm married and Lord knows I don't know what kind of wedding dress I'll wear but when I see lingerie I think "Hmmm... that'd be nice for my wedding night" Yeah, it's that serious I can't imagine slipping into my pretty piece of lingerie, stepping into the bedroom on my wedding night and dude is like "uh, not so much". I would cry and scream.

On another note, even as someone who hasn't experienced sex, temptation before marriage is real. It might be a clue that something is wrong if I don't sense any, how should i say, pent up tension during the months leading up to my wedding. I don't know a couple who has abstained before marriage who didn't have stories about "almost" situation leading up to the wedding. some even had to only meet in public places in the weeks leading up to the wedding b/c the possibility of having sex, they felt, was pretty high. even my pastor talks about his engagement stage as a "fight to the finish" and "close calls". any guy would have a difficult time, but especially one who hasn't had any over the duration of the relationship. She probably might have thought about this once they were married but overlooked it during their dating.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I see where you're coming from and probably would have feelings like that too, especially if the people involved had been celibate before marriage. I could definitely understand that feeling of "Uh, am I really married?"erplexed

In fact, an interesting point is that in some cultures (more than likely not the one of the woman who posted her problem, though), a marriage is achieved by two people moving in together and having sex and basically holding themself out to society as a married couple. .

I know this to be true in some African cultures.

My friend is Ethiopian and she said when her brother got married he and his wife had to go into the bedroom DURING the wedding reception and consummate the marriage. Her brother then brought out the sheet with blood to demonstrate that he had sex and that the wife was a virgin and family and friends cheer. My friend did tell me that many couples just pour goat's blood on the sheet since, well, the wife may not be a virgin and/or it may not be fun having sex while your relatives are outside the room waiting to see the evidence of you consummation.

This isn't true of all Ethiopians but this is the experience my friend shared with me.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

It exists in my house and my DH has never been to prison. I where and updated moomoo though. caftan, moomoo still the same.

lolololol D.....girl this made me laugh out loud....i don't getchu wearin a "moo moo" or as I call them "house coat" lolol..u know da kinda housecoats, the ones with about fiddy safety pins around the top...pockets slighty ripped lolol....the print has faded...ole faithful!

 

[dlewis]

lolololol D.....girl this made me laugh out loud....i don't getchu wearin a "moo moo" or as I call them "house coat" lolol..u know da kinda housecoats, the ones with about fiddy safety pins around the top...pockets slighty ripped lolol....the print has faded...ole faithful!

Not like my elders use to wear:

 

[Goombay_Summer]

For the last 4 years since my divorce I've been celibate and to be totally honest I would not want to get married again only to find myself being celibate. You had better believe that we would have paid a visit to a urologist and a psychiatrists to get to the root of his Erectile Dysfunction. I would want to know if his problem is mental, physical or combination of both because for all intents and proposes he is now a glorified albeit legal roommate. By hook or by crook you had better believe that we would be colouring with abandon cuz he would be a Viagra pill popping fool or we would do something drastic such as getting a penile implant that just requires a push of bottom to get some paint brush action.

 

[dlewis]

Kinda like this. I order them from Midnight Velvet, they cost about $20 each. LOVE THEM!

 

[kmn1980]

Yes, either he is asexual or he's screwing someone/something else...

I would get out of the marriage. She gave it a good 4 years. Who can blame her. She's still a young woman, she can't live like this for the rest of her life. It's not like they married at 80.

I agree. And my grandparents are 75 and 82 still phuckin' (don't ask how I know) so there's got to be something extra happening. She's talking about job stress I'm thinking sexin' is the best way to alleviate job stress.