If They Want Me, I Don't Want Them

[BEAUTYU2U]

Have you or anyone you know ever expressed this sentiment?

Basically, it means that you are not in the "right" place at this time of your life and you know that any man you would attract would not be the kind of man you would want. Whether it's because of physical, financial, emotional, or spiritual reasons.

Example - "I just went through a bad breakup and I am in deep emotional pain. I know that the only man who would be attracted to me at this point in my life would probably be someone who would take advantage of my vulnerable state."

 

[misskris816]

I'm usually not attracted to men who are attracted to me, but not for the reason you stated above.

Although I didn't consciously know why I felt that way, I've realized it's because of my low self-esteem. If a man is pursuing me, I usually think that something has to be wrong with him.

I'm working on it, though.

 

[Sequoia]

I'm usually not attracted to men who are attracted to me, but not for the reason you stated above.

Although I didn't consciously know why I felt that way, I've realized it's because of my low self-esteem. If a man is pursuing me, I usually think that something has to be wrong with him.

I'm working on it, though.

^^^ I agree, I've observed that it sometimes stems from low self esteem. The mindset is that you feel that you're not so great and wonder why anyone would be interested in you. You can then become turned off by them.

 

[karebear0610]

I'm usually not attracted to men who are attracted to me, but not for the reason you stated above.

Although I didn't consciously know why I felt that way, I've realized it's because of my low self-esteem. If a man is pursuing me, I usually think that something has to be wrong with him.

I'm working on it, though.

I totally agree with you as well. I my self esteem has been up and down since my break up with my ex two years ago. I've been dating and was in another relationship for a short while, but it was very difficult for me to want them the way they wanted me. There were times when I truly had feelings for a guy and really liked him, but I kept pushing him away. I guess I do that because I don't want to be hurt again like I was with my ex. I know I need to work on it. erplexed

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Thanks for your honesty, ladies. I have a feeling that you're not in the minority, as this thread has so many views.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Well, honestly.... For me, I don't think it's an "issue" per se, as it's more so a fact of life.

I mean let's face it... Not EVERYONE that we like is going to like us, and not EVERYONE that likes us are we going to be gaga over. I mean, it just happens. That's just a fact of life! Imo...

Usually the guys that I like either don't like me, or are lukewarm about me, but yet the guys who DO like me I'm not really feeling them like that. However, I've found out that this has more to do with how I PRESENT myself towards the guys that I'm NOT interested in more than anything else. When I'm not really attracted to a guy, I'm more "myself", outgoing, bubbly, forthright, and just "cool". But when it's a guy that I MIGHT have an interest in, I become a little more shy , quiet, and eager to make a good impression....when in reality, I should just go w/the flow and chill.

I'm working on this.

So, sometimes it's not really your self-esteem levels or whatever. Sometimes it just happens that way! But I DO believe however that if you ARE indeed attracted to and interested in a man who's pursuing you, yet you continue to push him away or put him through a series of "tests", then that COULD be a sign that you are not in the right place at the time, or that you need to heal.

I know that after I went through a really tough heartbreak, I didn't even want to think about men for a while. I didn't even want to entertain the thought because I had a fear that every guy (even if I WAS interested in him) was going to eventually break my heart. Thank goodness I've healed from that way of thinking and now feel more ready to entertain a relationship.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Well, honestly.... For me, I don't think it's an "issue" per se, as it's more so a fact of life.

I mean let's face it... Not EVERYONE that we like is going to like us, and not EVERYONE that likes us are we going to be gaga over. I mean, it just happens. That's just a fact of life! Imo...

I understand your point of view but I'm not sure you understand mine. I don't believe we're talking about the same thing.

I'm not saying that every man who is attracted to you, will be attractive to you. Of course that does not happen. I'm talking about any man who is attracted to you, will be considered un-attractive to you because you perceive him as someone who is "settling."

Example: "I'm unhappy with the way I look. I could stand to lose 30 pounds. Any man who found me attractive would not be attractive to me because I'm not attractive to myself. If I was a man, I would not want me - not in the place that I am in my life."

 

[anon123]

Oh, I see. This is one of those "I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have me for a member" type deals.

Hmm, looking back, maybe I did suffer from that a little when I was younger. Not any more! It's so good to love somebody, that somebody loves you back, and that's a fact . ..

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I understand your point of view but I'm not sure you understand mine. I don't believe we're talking about the same thing.

I'm not saying that every man who is attracted to you, will be attractive to you. Of course that does not happen. I'm talking about any man who is attracted to you, will be considered un-attractive to you because you perceive him as someone who is "settling."

Example: "I'm unhappy with the way I look. I could stand to lose 30 pounds. Any man who found me attractive would not be attractive to me because I'm not attractive to myself. If I was a man, I would not want me - not in the place that I am in my life."

Ohhh okay. Maybe I did misunderstand your scenario. So basically, you're talking about women who feel so poorly about themselves that they don't feel worthy of ANYONE liking them, so when a man IS attracted to them, they feel like he's somehow settling because he likes her?


So, I guess my next question is: how do you know the difference between not being attracted to men who like you because you're suffering from low self esteem, and not being attracted to men who like you simply because they're not your type?

 

[Rina88]

Any man who found me attractive would not be attractive to me because I'm not attractive to myself. If I was a man, I would not want me - not in the place that I am in my life."

This is me to the T.I give guy's the side eye who show interest in me, I wouldn't show interest in me, so I either think they are stupid, delusional or they've got an agenda aka want my cookies. I mentioned this in the "Thing's I'm ashamed to admit thread" haha.

I also think automatically that most men aren't even up to par, not just because they found something attractive about me for whatever reason, but just because I know (in my mind) he has issues that I wouldn't be able to deal with. For example I'll think to myself this dude is probably a player or lazy or uneducated etc. I guess I make up excuses, basically setting myself up for failure right from the first encounter.

A male friend said something to me about envisioning me with a certain type of man (won't get into details- he was trying to flatter me I suppose) and I said I'm not girlfriend material. He looked at me crazy so I had to explain that I'm not at a place where I could or should think about becoming a part of anyone's life as a romantic partner and all that entails until I can get my life together -> finish school, work on my career, explore the world. I also want to fix my sensitivity and naivete issues along with some other things. IDK I'm just rambling, maybe I do have low self esteem- I don't think so but I guess it's not as good as it could be. *shrug* Who knows.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Oh, I see. This is one of those "I wouldn't want to be in a club that would have me for a member" type deals.

Hmm, looking back, maybe I did suffer from that a little when I was younger. Not any more! It's so good to love somebody, that somebody loves you back, and that's a fact . ..

Exactly!

Ohhh okay. Maybe I did misunderstand your scenario. So basically, you're talking about women who feel so poorly about themselves that they don't feel worthy of ANYONE liking them, so when a man IS attracted to them, they feel like he's somehow settling because he likes her?


So, I guess my next question is: how do you know the difference between not being attracted to men who like you because you're suffering from low self esteem, and not being attracted to men who like you simply because they're not your type?

I'm not sure. Just to be clear, this isn't MY scenario or feelings. I know someone who expressed this to me. It really got me thinking so I posted it here. Maybe some of the other ladies could clear up that next question.

This is me to the T.I give guy's the side eye who show interest in me, I wouldn't show interest in me, so I either think they are stupid, delusional or they've got an agenda aka want my cookies. I mentioned this in the "Thing's I'm ashamed to admit thread" haha.

I also think automatically that most men aren't even up to par, not just because they found something attractive about me for whatever reason, but just because I know (in my mind) he has issues that I wouldn't be able to deal with. For example I'll think to myself this dude is probably a player or lazy or uneducated etc. I guess I make up excuses, basically setting myself up for failure right from the first encounter.

A male friend said something to me about envisioning me with a certain type of man (won't get into details- he was trying to flatter me I suppose) and I said I'm not girlfriend material. He looked at me crazy so I had to explain that I'm not at a place where I could or should think about becoming a part of anyone's life as a romantic partner and all that entails until I can get my life together -> finish school, work on my career, explore the world. I also want to fix my sensitivity and naivete issues along with some other things. IDK I'm just rambling, maybe I do have low self esteem- I don't think so but I guess it's not as good as it could be. *shrug* Who knows.

Thanks for sharing! I can sort of relate to this. Sometimes I figure that I'm not in a relationship because I have other things I should be working on.