If the man your're dating walks cause you have...

Kinkyhairlady

Kinkyhairlady

Well-Known Member
Terminal illness is he a horrible person? My friend has been dating this young woman for 4 months and he just recently found out she has Lupus and he wants out. I think that's so mean but his reasoning is that she may not be able to have children and he does not want to marry anyone who can't give him a family. I kind of see his point but I feel so bad for the girl. Me personally I don't know how I would react if I dated someone with an illness that I knew would affect us as a couple and our family. If it was still new I might walk but if we were together for sometime id be supportive.
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Terminal illness is he a horrible person? My friend has been dating this young woman for 4 months and he just recently found out she has Lupus and he wants out. I think that's so mean but his reasoning is that she may not be able to have children and he does not want to marry anyone who can't give him a family. I kind of see his point but I feel so bad for the girl. Me personally I don't know how I would react if I dated someone with an illness that I knew would affect us as a couple and our family. If it was still new I might walk but if we were together for sometime id be supportive.
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is that his excuse...I know ppl with lupus who have children...
 
Wait, how is it terminal? Is she dying? Anyway, he's not a bad person, it's better he leave now then when it gets serious.
 
He would be doing both of them a favor to leave if he's no longer interested. They aren't married. He has the right to go after what he wants.
I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because he feels bad. :nono:
 
Given that he did not make any lifelong commitments to her, I think he is within his right to walk away. If they were engaged after years of dating and meeting the whole family, then I'd say he would be scum to walk. They were only dating for only 4 months so he'd get a pass from me.
 
BEAUTYU2U said:
Wait, how is it terminal? Is she dying? Anyway, he's not a bad person, it's better he leave now then when it gets serious.
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I threw terminal in there cause what if it was. Would you stay. I knew a couple that married and the lady had cancer she did not tell him and died a year later. That poor man was traumatized but thankfully he met someone else though they both were in their mid 40s she was able to give him a child.
 
This jerk I know has an ex wife with terminal cancer. She told him she still loved him and wanted him to be with her and the kids. She says everything would be his, the house, the cars. She just wants him to be there for her and the kids. He claims he loves her but hus selfish butt won't see her to the end. He was a foster kid and revisits the pain of being mistreated as a foster kid. I can't understand why he wouldn't be there for his kids.
 
There's nothing noble about staying in a relationship under false pretenses. If he knows NOW that her (potentially) not being able to have biological children would be an issue for him, he's doing both of them a favor.
 
Makes me think of sickle cell in my family. I wonder how many people would stay knowing the risks for the wife. I have many little cousins so it makes me nervous. .
 
After 4 months I don't blame the guy. When you love someone you are able and willing to put up with a lot. In 4 months he may not love her or at least value the relationship enough to withstand the problems. If he feels like he cannot handle it then it is best that he walked,

Now, if they had been together for a long time It would be different. He still would have the freedom but it says a lot about how he feels about you.
 
I know a guy who found out his wife was HIV + when she was pregnant with their first child. He tested negative but is still with her. He considered leaving and even expressed fear for his life and health at one point but he is still there years later.

Could you do it?
 
Farida said:
I know a guy who found out his wife was HIV + when she was pregnant with their first child. He tested negative but is still with her. He considered leaving and even expressed fear for his life and health at one point but he is still there years later.

Could you do it?
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Oh, she grimey for that.
 
Farida said:
I know a guy who found out his wife was HIV + when she was pregnant with their first child. He tested negative but is still with her. He considered leaving and even expressed fear for his life and health at one point but he is still there years later.

Could you do it?
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Did she have it when they got married? How did that make it all the way to the point of getting married without knowing their status on this issue?

If she got it after we were married (by cheating on me) then NO I'm not staying and I'm taking full custody of the baby.
 
Farida said:
I know a guy who found out his wife was HIV + when she was pregnant with their first child. He tested negative but is still with her. He considered leaving and even expressed fear for his life and health at one point but he is still there years later. Could you do it?
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Oh my! That's horrible? How is that though didn't they do blood test before marriage unless she cheated. I do know this older man at church who's wife contracted Aids from a blood transfusion and they did not have kids. He left her and found another woman and started a family with her. The only issue is he's still married to the other lady with Aids. No one knows why he won't divorce since he's been living another life with someone else for 15 yrs now. The things we humans do. Smh
 
Kinkyhairlady said:
Oh my! That's horrible? How is that though didn't they do blood test before marriage unless she cheated. I do know this older man at church who's wife contracted Aids from a blood transfusion and they did not have kids. He left her and found another woman and started a family with her. The only issue is he's still married to the other lady with Aids. No one knows why he won't divorce since he's been living another life with someone else for 15 yrs now. The things we humans do. Smh
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In my state blood tests are not required before marriage, not sure how many still do this
 
No, he's not a horrible person. He knows his limitations/expectations and didn't waste her time. I actually applaud that. Better he leave now knowing that's a dealbreaker, than resent her later by trying to tough it out.

ETA: My cousin has a friend who had lupus as a child. She married really young and her husband was fully aware and made the sacrifice to marry her knowing that she could potentially die and that she probably wouldn't/couldn't have any children. He chose to take that on though. Unfortunately, they never had children and she died very young.
 
Seal has lupus. Maybe his is just discoid and not systemic.

If he has doubts now he may as well leave. He is doing her no favours. She can find someone else who has her back %100. Someone who will not jump ship when things get rough.
 
To answer the question about a terminal illness (and not the Lupus example), I would not want the man I was dating for 4 months to stay with me. I don't think I could do that. I would look for friends though but not a romantic relationship after only 4 months of dating. Both sides could be selfish in this case.
 
About the HIV they did not know until after they had been married and she was already pregnant. Most places do not require blood tests before marriage anymore and looks like she was not getting regular testing. She got tested as part of prenatal care. She did not cheat on him and it is unclear how she contracted HIV - it could have been sexual or other, she was a volunteer health worker in an area with high infection, had had blood transfusions abroad and I don't know how many other sex partners she had in the past, if any. All in all, if you did not check before you married the person and you vowed for better of for worse, what now?BTW she gave birth to healthy twins.
 
A friend of mine broke up with a guy she'd dated for 3 years because he had cerebral fluid with a risk of (unpredictable) seizures. His driving license had been revoked by his family doctor and he was on a lot of medication.

Her family convinced her that she would have to look at the longterm and figure out if she was strong/independent enough to care for herself as well as him. She determined she wasn't.

It was a hard decision for her but I respect it.
 
I know two women who have died from Lupus. I didnt know about the possibly not being able to have kids part. Sad either way. But if someone wants out, let them go.
 
I dated someone whose previous long term (5+ years) girlfriend died very young from Sickle Cell. After her death he was a mess. I didn't like the fact that she didn't tell him, until months of dating. I think he resented her in the relationship for 'misleading' him. He never married her and never really fully committed to her. Yeah, he was a mess which played out in our relationship......which eventually ended. I think he is probably still a mess...emotionally. You have to know what you are getting yourself into and decide whether YOU can handle it.
 
honestly if you have a serious illness you should let your partner know so they can decide if they want to sign up for that b4 they've fallen love...

i dealt with something similar and we went to his doc appts together and after i learned all i needed to know i made the tough decision of ending it---i think about him sometimes...after all these yrs
 
As someone who has a "serious" illness I would tell a potential partner early on. I need to be with someone who is open to being with me for better or worse and not someone who knows that they don't want to knowingly take on the worst potential. It is disheartening to see people walk away simply because of what ifs but it's best to know up front. At least I won't be someone who is healthy and then something tragic happens only to find out my partner is unable to deal with health issues.

While Lupus can be life threatening and can shorten your life there are also those who have good and for filling lives with the disease. My cousin lived into her late 60's after being diagnosed in her twenties. (Her husband left her because he couldn't take it.). She went on to raise her nieces (her sister died from a surgical complication) and have an active social life until a few years before her death. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever met.
 
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