If your man......

[MD_Lady]

If your man was supportive, hardworking, honest and trustworthy but currently makes half as much income as you did would you continue to foot the bill on "x-tras"........

Absolutely and without hesitation, but this is what I would do. For me, those characteristics and his financial hardship being due to circumstances beyond his control would nix me having any issues with "footing the bill" on extras, but that's me. If you don't feel that way about your situation, that is your right.

As a married woman who has dealt with quite a few financial issues, I'm here to tell you that the two of you can't confront them as long as resentment is a factor in the equation. IMO (as someone who has been "threre") since being married results in so much overlap between you and your spouse and you know that, in some circumstances, you'd take exception, you should not only ask yourself whether this is the right relationship for you, but if marriage in general is something that would really work for you. Just my

 

[Zaynab]

TayMac - its funny that you ask that! He is very grateful and appreciative of the x-tras but after 5 yrs. into this relationship I'm starting to wonder about his sense of pride ---- at some point shouldn't he decline because I've been footing the bill on the "x-tras" for so long.

I want to believe and have been holding onto that MAYBE if he had the funds then he would treat me to the "x-tras" that I want........

I hope I'm not coming across superficial -- but I'm certain there are plenty of women who would love to be treated!! I want a "partnership" but I wonder if its too late......... like you said he is probably accostumed to me treating the x-tras.

I have invested so much into this man after 5 yrs., I love him so much and we plan to get married within the next few years HOWEVER once he does start making more of an income and things don't change to a "partnership".... sadly but I will have to leave this man the I love so much and invested into!

I just don't understand how he can be so comfortable with me holding it down..... I have started to resent him so much that I dont even want to be intimate with him anymore --- its such a turn off!

However you START off in a relationship is how it's going to always be. Don't think he's going to magically start supporting you the way you would like financially if he does get a higher-paying position. He will treat himself because he is just accostomed to you taking care of the extras. I don't doubt he's a good man but a man wouldn't allow himself to be supported even with "extras" for 5 years. At some point, he should NOT want you to be doing anything extra for him financially.

We as women are sometimes just too nice, he's a man. He should give and you receive. There is nothing wrong with expecting that. The problem is, you've sat back and have given for 5 years, it would be hard to change that.

 

[healthynhappy]

Thank you, Lana I sincerely appreciate that!

He has been interviewing since he was cut back to part-time. He has been working very hard applying for jobs to get that interview - but as you know there a many, many people looking for employment during these tough times!

He certainly wants to do better but its seems like its not fast enough for me -- call me selfish if you want. I will certainly take your advice about going places he can afford or take girlfriends instead.

After 5 yrs. we are not married because of me. Not to say, your goals/ambitions stop once you become married but there were some things I wanted to accomplish as MS. Charlotte first. I want to become the best individual I can so that together as one we can do and accomplish anything...... growth continues as an individual and as a married couple. I made up my mind a long time ago I would not be a burden to the man that I married and that I would have something to contribute ---- guess I over compensated!!

I hear this a little too much from women who've been with men for "extended stays". Every person is always a work in progress.

I've already started working on another goal before I've even completed the first one, because I spend my life trying to better myself. But in the meantime, life is happening. Just makes me wonder.

In the words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it?" After 5 years, and all he has is a part time job, something's gotta give.

Some people you have to love from a distance because loving them up close can make you hate them.

 

[Bunny77]

I hear this a little too much from women who been with men for "extended stays". Every person is always a work in progress.

I've already started working on another goal before I've even completed the first one, because I spend my life trying to better myself. But in the meantime, life is happening. Just makes me wonder.

In the words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it?" After 5 years, and all he has is a part time job, something's gotta give.

Some people you have to love from a distance because loving them up close can make you hate them.

Hey Healthynhappy!

Could you expound on this a little more? I'm interested in hearing what you've heard and your thoughts on this!

Thanks!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I am not sure what kind of difference in salary we are talking about but finances are the main reason for relationship problems.

Also, most men cannot deal with a woman who makes more than them. It takes a special kind of man to be okay with his wife making more but also not be a trifling man who takes advantage of the situation and lets the wife support him.

I know many women in this situation - wives not girlfriends - and they deal with it because they have "good men" who are very hardworking and they are all pretty much priced out of the normal dating pool.

If his financial issues are not within his control then I would deal with it but I would expect him to be out at every waking moment trying to get a new job, or a second job. I would not consider marrying him though until he worked out his finances.

 

[healthynhappy]

Hey Healthynhappy!

Could you expound on this a little more? I'm interested in hearing what you've heard and your thoughts on this!

Thanks!

Hey Bunny ,

Not accusing the OP of this, but I think this type of statement is often an excuse from women who know that marrying their man is not a viable option.

I've heard women make statements such as they aren't ready for marriage, they want to get their finances in order first, they want to wait longer to make sure he is really the one, yada yada yada, meanwhile they've already birthed 2 and 3 kids with the man.

But the second the man proposes (whether by choice or ultimatum), all of sudden, the woman has decided that she's ready to be married. Granted, nothing about their situation has changed - they are still broke, he's still cheating, etc. But they walk down the aisle anyway and they are still miserable.

Why? Because from day one, she had 5 years of signs telling her marriage was not an option.

I know women right now who are still with their man, not their husband, after 10 years and they have convinced themselves that it is by their own choice, not his.

And I know that their are some women who really truly want to wait for whatever reason, but those women are less likely to play wifey while they figure it out.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^Thanks HNH.

I have heard that frequently too... I just wanted to make sure that I understood what you meant!

 

[daydreem2876]

To answer your question.... at this point in my life, no. I am too old for that crap and I have been there, done that and got the T-shirt.



Fortunately we were not married, had no children and when I came to myself, I was simply walk away. The beauty and lesson in that experience, is the my expectations are higher. I simply do not have to take care of a man that cannot/will not take care of me... in any way,shape or form. And that possibly it is not the man I love, the one who will watch me fall, but the man who loves me, the one who won't let me fall, who I should be watching for.

 

[jamaicalovely]

I don't post much in the relationship thread. But, I must say that Bunny's, Zaynab's and Changed's comments said it all in a nutshell!

I make significantly more than my DH and have for years. I agree, when their financial situation improves it's highly likely he won't return the favor that I think your waiting on. Yes, when they do get a little extra money, they won't spend it on you because they are so used to you taking care of everything. Ex. DH gets extra money, he spends on his car. When he gets a bonus, I don't know about it until it hits the bank and half gone the next day. Don't waste your time sweetie!!! Seriously! Move on. These ladies are right, you'll end end up resenting him and likely fall out of love with him anyway.

I understand he is a hardworking man and doing his best to find a better paying job. Let him get himself together and if all works out, he'll bust his tail to get the relationship back and offer what your looking for.

Ultimately it's your decision, but take it from women who have experienced this.

 

[DragonPearl]

If I loved him and I really felt that he was "supportive, hardworking, honest and trustworthy" AND he was good in bed, I guess I would let the rest slide.

ETA: I didn't realize you 2 were not married. My bad. Um, that's different... I dunno... When I first got with DH, I made more than him, but a couple of years later, he caught up with me and more, so it didn't stay an issue. I don't know if I had to deal with that for 5+ years... If he is a good man and you 2 get along fine, and he is really there for you, then you need to weight the good vs the bad. I know marriages where the woman makes more and still they are happy.

 

[heyfranz]

No, i wouldn't. I just had this talk with my daughter last night about her BF. She will start to resent him, and he will start to resent her for taking away his manhood. There are very few men that can deal with this. Some men don't mind sitting back though and letting the woman "take care of things", but if it's bothering you now and you aren't even married yet, then you should wait until you are "resolved" that this is the way it's going to be. You don't marry or get involved with someone for who they will become because they may never become anyone other than who they are right now.

 

[brownelovely]

I bring it up a lot more than I probably should --- but its on my mind ALL the time. I had to stop and question my actions. If I have such a problem footing the bill then why do I continue to do so? The answer is becuase I dont feel I should go without because he cant afford it AND I love him and dont want to share it anyone else.

When I treat us to things or buy him something I am sincerely happy and cant wait to see his reaction but after that goes away I'm like damn.... when can I get treated?

I asked a girlfriend what she thought and she said "that's what a strong black woman does -- holds it down until the man can" WTH????? I am not the one then!

I just bought a house in January - due to the econony his job was cut from full time to part time and we just had an agrument about how he needs to bring some groceries, some juice, washing powders ANYTHING when he visits.........

Then I feel bad and selfish ---- how can I expect him to contribute to my household when he is toughing it out - he his own rent/bills to pay...... I have really been tripp'in --- I was actually monitoring how much of MY juice he drinks and food he eats.

I am so angry right now ---- Everything I have done for this man --- I almost feel like I have to stick it out!

Wow...not being rude, but maybe he needs to know all of this so he can re-evaluate the relationship for himself. IMO, you're really being silly and petty about little things and it's not a good look. If he can't afford to go, then go by yourself since you think you deserve it.

Relationships are tough and we all go through rough patches and this is clearly one of them. The fact that you're more worried about juice and snacks vs. him struggling to pay his own bills shows your true character. I wouldn't even want to imagine if you all were married...hah. You posted that he lost his job b/c of cutbacks so why are you blaming him for something that was out of his control??
SMH, I know some won't agree but I had to be honest

ETA: Re-read some posts and still think that if this is causing you to resent him, then move on. I've been down that road before and felt just like that but I realized that it's more to life then just always having what I want, when I want it. It's up to the individual though.

I used to have an attitude like this in the past and have since changed. I'm speaking mainly from my own experience. I was younger then and realized that I didn't always realize how selfish I was being. Learned from that and it helped open my eyes and realize the world doesn't revolve around everything I want.

 

[diamond42377]

^^^ ITA w/ heyfranz! Some men are perfectly comfortable with it and those who are not seem to take it out on the woman by making her feel insecure about herself. My dad is a perfect example of this.

Also, in marriage you need to be prepared to stick it out with this man, for better OR worse, richer OR poorer. He may find an incredible job next week, be making twice as much as you and everything goes great. HOWEVER, he might lose that job (or worse his health) and not be able to work at all, leaving you to handle everything. Consider if you love him truly and want to be with him regardless of the situation. From the previous posts, it looks like you have already made that decision

 

[Bunny77]

Wow...not being rude, but maybe he needs to know all of this so he can re-evaluate the relationship for himself. IMO, you're really being silly and petty about little things and it's not a good look. If he can't afford to go, then go by yourself since you think you deserve it.

Relationships are tough and we all go through rough patches and this is clearly one of them. The fact that you're more worried about juice and snacks vs. him struggling to pay his own bills shows your true character. I wouldn't even want to imagine if you all were married...hah. You posted that he lost his job b/c of cutbacks so why are you blaming him for something that was out of his control??

uggghhhh, I couldn't believe the things you said. When my DH2B is down I hold it down b/c when I don't have it, he covers me. The things you're worried about buying and doing probably aren't as big of a deal as you're making them. As I said, this is just my personal opinion.

I just hate it when I visit blogs and forums (etc..) and see threads saying there's no men left worth dating and you have one that has just fallen on hard times and your main concern is him bringing his own detergent and juice to come over.

SMH, I know some won't agree but I had to be honest

It's been five years though, she said... it's not a recent thing.

He didn't just fall on hard times, he's been struggling financially for the entire relationship.

That's a bit different, methinks.

 

[Transformer]

This is SIMPLE!

Stop paying for the extras and see where the relationship leads! This will get rid of your resentment for forking out funds and his real character will be REVEALED! Let's see if the EXTRAS made the relationship. Either way you will learn not to showboat AND save more money.

Let's see if you enjoy his company without the trips, dinners, and vacations. A real test will be if you're just as thrilled sharing a bowl of Campbell's at home as enjoying filet mignon at Ruth Chris's. Or is he just an accessory or escort that you invested training dollars into?

 

[Transformer]

It's been five years though, she said... it's not a recent thing.

He didn't just fall on hard times, he's been struggling financially for the entire relationship.

That's a bit different, methinks.

Yeap, a few of those years weren't globally bad! Struggling has a different connotation for everyone. Not going to St Bart's every year is a struggle for some. But if the OP is a high maintenance woman she might want to seek water her own level or she will never be happy!

 

[brownelovely]

It's been five years though, she said... it's not a recent thing.

He didn't just fall on hard times, he's been struggling financially for the entire relationship.

That's a bit different, methinks.

hmmmm....so it's still going on then (financially struggling)...either way, why keep paying and holding it over the man's head? Move on instead of complaining...is what I would do.

It's different but why stay with someone you feel resentful towards?

 

[Bunny77]

hmmmm....so it's still going on then (financially struggling)...either way, why keep paying and holding it over the man's head? Move on instead of complaining...is what I would do.

It's different but why stay with someone you feel resentful towards?

I agree with you on that. I wouldn't have stuck around so long considering the circumstances!

Either stay and deal, or get out!

 

[AnnDriena_]

This is SIMPLE!

Stop paying for the extras and see where the relationship leads! This will get rid of your resentment for forking out funds and his real character will be REVEALED! Let's see if the EXTRAS made the relationship. Either way you will learn not to showboat AND save more money.

Let's see if you enjoy his company without the trips, dinners, and vacations. A real test will be if you're just as thrilled sharing a bowl of Campbell's at home as enjoying filet mignon at Ruth Chris's. Or is he just an accessory or escort that you invested training dollars into?

Lots of people give good ADVICE this is a good ACTION PLAN.

I'd be curious to know as to whether he starts ASKING you to pay for things. Like if you go out to dinner with the girls instead of him how does he act?

And how do you start to feel?

You seem to be doing a lot to keep him but you may start to feel different when you start enjoying these extras by yourself.

And I don't think the food/bills thing is petty. It's one thing to not be a CONTRIBUTION to my house but it's another to come in an be a burden.

 

[anon123]

i have a question. you say he is making half of what you make. you also say his hours got cut in half in january. you also say you've been together for 5 years. so how was it before january? is the result of his low pay due to just the cut in hours in jan.? if so, was he reciprocating before his hours got cut?