If he wants kids I guess I could pop one out...

So, I went on a date with a really nice guy and he wants to see me again. He says he's not set on having kids or not, but he's set my mind thinking. I don't know him that well, but he seems stable and thoughtful. We did talk for a while about how tough it is to raise kids in this world, but of course he doesn't know about the bipolar yet. I'm dealing with feelings of extreme guilt. Not really for this guy, but overall. I feel like I'm somehow defective. I feel bad for not wanting to produce a child because I don't want to pass the illness on or for my child to have to grow up seeing a mentally ill mother. I don't want my child to look back on their childhood and realize that their mother was absent and selfish.

I guess it's frustrating because I really just want to be average. The average woman has kids. The average woman doesn't have to explain why she doesn't have or want kids for decades. I feel so apart from society and I don't really believe that I can find someone who won't exploit my natural hormonal urges to have a child. I kind of see what women are talking about when they say you might meet a nice man and want to have a baby with him. At first I thought that was the dumbest thing ever, but I have to say I can see myself meeting a nice man and wanting to GIVE him a child. Does that make sense?

Meh.
 
:up::up: to you for your honesty, Enyo. :yep: I also give you :up::up: for being honest ahead of time about your feelings on parenthood. While I do think it's possible for people's feelings about parenthood to evolve (in reference to your last post, but I don't want to quote), I don't think you should have any guilt about doing what's best for you (even if it doesn't appear to be the choice most other women have made).
 
MD_Lady said:
:up::up: to you for your honesty, @Enyo. :yep: I also give you :up::up: for being honest ahead of time about your feelings on parenthood. While I do think it's possible for people's feelings about parenthood to evolve (in reference to your last post, but I don't want to quote), I don't think you should have any guilt about doing what's best for you (even if it doesn't appear to be the choice most other women have made).
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Thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it. You'd think I'd be used to hard reality by now, but it's still very hard. Especially when you're dealing with a guy that would probably be a caring and active father. :ohwell:
 
ambergirl said:
Unpopular opinion alert.

If someone is clear about not wanting kids then no they shouldn't have them. But quite a few of my friends were "meh" about kids but decided to have them (sometimes for the DH and sometimes not) and every one of them LOVES being a mom. They're even more crazy about mothering then my friends who really wanted kids.

Go figure.

Makes me wonder if they were truly "meh" about it or if having a child of their own changed them in some deep way.
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A friend of a friend did this. While she was preggo she kept saying that she was going to leave after the baby was born. He wanted someone to carry on the family name. His bro had testicular cancer and couldn't have any so he felt it was his obligation. He knew she didn't want any, but pressured her and she obliged. She came around after the baby was born, but it took a while.

I think this is a bad idea in general. It worked out for them though. Babies are SO much freaking work and taxing on the body. I will be damned if I have a little paras...err...treasure living inside me cuz HE wants one. Though I am trying to convince him that we should eventually think of having another...after I gets my ring.
 
I don't think a woman should be forced to have a child. I do think that couples should talk about these issues before getting married. If you marry someone that doesn't want kids, but you do.. well I don't think the marriage is going to work.

Sent from my iPhone 10 using LHCF
 
You know Enyo, if you're serious, serious about this you can get your tubes tied. A lot of doctors will do it for young women if they feel there is some question about whether carrying a child makes sense for that woman. And plenty of women who are unable to have children have gotten married.

Seems like you want to leave the door open just in case you meet a fantastic guy and having a child is his bottom line.

So I guess my question to you is are you really serious about not having kids?
 
Enyo said:
I guess it's frustrating because I really just want to be average. The average woman has kids. The average woman doesn't have to explain why she doesn't have or want kids for decades. I feel so apart from society and I don't really believe that I can find someone who won't exploit my natural hormonal urges to have a child. I kind of see what women are talking about when they say you might meet a nice man and want to have a baby with him. At first I thought that was the dumbest thing ever, but I have to say I can see myself meeting a nice man and wanting to GIVE him a child. Does that make sense?

Meh.
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Don't feel bad or guilty about your feelings & choices. There are many women (& men) out there who don't want kids & some do cite reasons such as concerns about passing on health conditions. But most are going child free as they don't believe it's the right choice, some see kids as hassle, expensive, some are scared of the immense responsibility. They should all be respected because it shows self knowledge, is generally not an easy decision and is better than having kids one may resent & neglect.
What's average anyway? If anything I would say the 'average' woman today has far more choices & control over her own life & body than 30 years ago and that means having the self awareness to decide if having kids is right for her or not. There are men who will share your stance about kids, hopefully the right one will come along.

Sent from my iPhone
 
That should be discussed before marriage. That way both parties come to a solution before they walk down the aisle. I feel it's unfair to marry a man and not tell him you're not sure you will ever want kids. Or to change your mind :look:
 
Blyss_curls said:
He didn't help her, at all. He also seemed less than supportive. He was actually quite an *ss, at least that was my dh's perception of him (his words).

He just seemed really about him and his life (he owned businesses), at the time. Now, several years later--most of those businesses are a thing of the past.

She shared that before I knew her, she was so unhappy and overwhelmed--she went blind. No joke. She had a bout of hysterical blindness.

I'd be surprised if I learned that she was still w/him.

On the bold:
It's so funny you said that. I remember that she said that was very important to him (and his family). So not long after they married--he started in with, "...make me a baby." Her dumb arse obliged. :lol:
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Well, that was unfair of him. If he pushed her to have a kid he should be willing to do his fair share.
 
Enyo said:
So, I went on a date with a really nice guy and he wants to see me again. He says he's not set on having kids or not, but he's set my mind thinking. I don't know him that well, but he seems stable and thoughtful. We did talk for a while about how tough it is to raise kids in this world, but of course he doesn't know about the bipolar yet. I'm dealing with feelings of extreme guilt. Not really for this guy, but overall. I feel like I'm somehow defective. I feel bad for not wanting to produce a child because I don't want to pass the illness on or for my child to have to grow up seeing a mentally ill mother. I don't want my child to look back on their childhood and realize that their mother was absent and selfish.

I guess it's frustrating because I really just want to be average. The average woman has kids. The average woman doesn't have to explain why she doesn't have or want kids for decades. I feel so apart from society and I don't really believe that I can find someone who won't exploit my natural hormonal urges to have a child. I kind of see what women are talking about when they say you might meet a nice man and want to have a baby with him. At first I thought that was the dumbest thing ever, but I have to say I can see myself meeting a nice man and wanting to GIVE him a child. Does that make sense?

Meh.
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It makes perfect sense, which is why the decision is so hard. When you love someone you want to make them happy and make their dreams come true.

Question: if you did meet someone who was genuinely okay with not having children as long as he could be with you, would you still feel like you want to give him a child?
 
Enyo I'm so sorry. Can't imagine what you're going through. Do you think you would want to adopt in the future?

Sent from my iPhone 10 using LHCF
 
BostonMaria said:
Enyo I'm so sorry. Can't imagine what you're going through. Do you think you would want to adopt in the future?
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No. I highly doubt that I could adopt anyway. Would you place a child in a home with a mentally ill mother? :perplexed

ambergirl said:
You know @Enyo, if you're serious, serious about this you can get your tubes tied. A lot of doctors will do it for young women if they feel there is some question about whether carrying a child makes sense for that woman. And plenty of women who are unable to have children have gotten married.

Seems like you want to leave the door open just in case you meet a fantastic guy and having a child is his bottom line.

So I guess my question to you is are you really serious about not having kids?
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I was very hardcore about it up until I realized I was 31, divorced, and not getting more desirable. I just feel like I need to up my game somehow. Like I said earlier, assuming that I don't have any fertility issues, having a kid is the only thing I can use as a bargaining chip. I can't change my age, mental disease, etc.

Anakinsmomma said:
Question: if you did meet someone who was genuinely okay with not having children as long as he could be with you, would you still feel like you want to give him a child?
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No. But I would also be very wary of any guy under the age of 45 who claimed he didn't want kids. The only time I'd really believe him is if he got the snip.
 
Enyo said:
I was very hardcore about it up until I realized I was 31, divorced, and not getting more desirable. I just feel like I need to up my game somehow. Like I said earlier, assuming that I don't have any fertility issues, having a kid is the only thing I can use as a bargaining chip. I can't change my age, mental disease, etc.
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Now Miss Enyo,

You know better than to use a child as a bargaining chip. I think you just need to look at this a bit differently.

Frankly age is irrelevant. Lots of people get married in their 30s 40s even 50s and beyond. And the good thing about getting married later is that usually children are not such an issue because a lot of men already have children. You could even make the decision to spend the next two, three, even four years getting your health together and then focus on finding a partner. You would still be pretty young and those fortysomething men who already have children wouldn't look so old anymore.

Or you could just have faith that men who don't want to have children are out there because trust me they are.

I am sure you have lots of amazing qualities. Unless in your heart of hearts you really want children, you really don't need to use having a child as a bargaining chip to find a great husband
 
ambergirl said:
You could even make the decision to spend the next two, three, even four years getting your health together and then focus on finding a partner. You would still be pretty young and those fortysomething men who already have children wouldn't look so old anymore.
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I've been doing that since I was 26 and freshly divorced. I did heavy therapy, meds, got a decent job, and finished college. That's when I woke up and realized my age and marital status.

Or you could just have faith that men who don't want to have children are out there because trust me they are.
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Me? Faith? ;)

I am sure you have lots of amazing qualities. Unless in your heart of hearts you really want children, you really don't need to use having a child as a bargaining chip to find a great husband
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Time will tell I guess.
 
Enyo said:
I've been doing that since I was 26 and freshly divorced. I did heavy therapy, meds, got a decent job, and finished college. That's when I woke up and realized my age and marital status.

Me? Faith? ;)

Time will tell I guess.
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Well you don't have to have faith In an omnipotent being, you could have faith in the statistical probability that in a world with billions of people in it, it is highly likely that you can meet someone who is right for you. Regardless of your age.
 
ambergirl said:
Well you don't have to have faith In an omnipotent being, you could have faith in the statistical probability that in a world with billions of people in it, it is highly likely that you can meet someone who is right for you. Regardless of your age.
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Statistically I believe that, but not emotionally. Not at all. :ohwell:
 
I used to tell guys from the beginning when/if the subject came up naturally. I did not turn it into a big deal or a big announcement.

I just used to say I did not see children in my future. Then they would ask why and I would be honest and say it was due to my traumatic childhood. I had no intention of having any children.

I cannot remember that anyone broke it off because of this. However, one guy had a huge problem with me being agnostic and wanted me to keep it myself.

Be aware though, that some guys may say they are okay with you not wanting children while they are secretly hoping or thinking that you will eventually change your mind.

My husband knew from the second date that I did not want kids. We got married. Then years later he told me that he had hoped that I would have changed my mind. He always saw himself with 2 kids. But he could not see himself without me either. So he did not turn it into a big deal.

I did eventually change my mind, but alas, nature took that option away.
 
We saw a pregnant lady yesterday and I mentioned that I did not ever want to be pregnant. Mr. Man said that was OK, but I dunno if he was just being polite. I mentioned somewhere that I didn't want kids, but I don't know if he really heard me. I feel like I need to formally sit him down and talk about it before we go any further. I'm getting tired of this shyte.
 
I would definitely not have kids just because society or a man expects you to if you truly do not want to be a mother. I can attest to the fact that I was DEAD SET against having another child once I had my daughter. I just felt like one was enough for me for the longest time, and even had secure plans to get sterilized at age 25. I have a chronic illness and having kids makes it difficult, thoughI take great care of myself. It also pays big time to have a loving, understanding, hands-on partner and a good support system.

But then I wondered, what if I meet a great man or want kids with a man in the future? All hopes would have been dashed with sterilization, of course. I knew that I would feel tremendously hurt and guilty not being able to have kids with the man I love. Well, though I was single over 4 yrs, I did meet a wonderful man who was my age and had no kids. He really wanted them with the right woman. We fell in love and now we have a 4 month old son. My point is whereas I was totally against another kid while single and having not met the right person, we are otally over joyed at having a.lil family. I say this just to support the fact that sometimes your mind will change like the direction of the wind. But I was really happy to have another child with HIM. Now maybe not so much, or not at all with someone else. I adore my children and though mommyh(od is trying, I am glad I decided to experience having children. The chances are high you will find a man who does not want kids. I didbut we broke up for other reasons. I was happy he didnt want any at the time.

Dont do it just cuz he wants u to. Mothers do the most of child rearing in this society, and it is hard doing it, even with a very involved husbandd or partner. It has to be something you REALLY want. Otherwise, dont do it as you might resent the man or child.
 
Enyo said:
New guy. Adores me. Same problem. When should I tell him, Ladies??
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Tell him from the gate. This is an important subject to bring up. I made a habit of making clear my intentions to be married and have a traditional nuclear or blended family with a man fron the beginning of all talks and dates. The wrong ones will walk away, and you will know which is right for you. It's important to mention it early on so that if he isnt feeling not having kids, he can k.i.m. No one's time is wasted that way.
 
IrrationalThoughts said:
A friend of a friend did this. While she was preggo she kept saying that she was going to leave after the baby was born. He wanted someone to carry on the family name. His bro had testicular cancer and couldn't have any so he felt it was his obligation. He knew she didn't want any, but pressured her and she obliged. She came around after the baby was born, but it took a while.

I think this is a bad idea in general. It worked out for them though. Babies are SO much freaking work and taxing on the body. I will be damned if I have a little paras...err...treasure living inside me cuz HE wants one. Though I am trying to convince him that we should eventually think of having another...after I gets my ring.
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^last sentence is where Im at too. I will gladly have another WHEN we get married, but if we not married in a year or so, these tubes getting tied cuz im 29 and though I love him, I have things I wanna do with my life after age 32/33 that dont include having a newborn. He knows I have a deadline for kids...not one that nature imposes either. Time is ticking for me. I wanna be smooth sailing and chilling living life, not raising kids in my late 40's and 50's. My mother had her last child at 38 and I'll be damned if I be 50 yrs old taking a kid to school (elementary at that). I also have my health concerns...it could get worse with age and I dont want a bunch of lil kids while im sick n can barely care for them.
 
I know, Ladies, you're right. It's just so hard with this one because he's most of what I've always wanted. Very professional, adorable, great income, sweet as pie, generous with affection and time (so important since I was emotionally neglected in my marriage), mad intelligent, well-educated, loves to travel, and he's really into me. I'm not saying his perfect by any means, but all the flaws I have seen aren't a big deal.

I think this might be one of my biggest struggles. I keep trying to rack my brain for ways to deal with this situation. Surrogate? Nanny? Mom moving in?? *sigh*
 
Enyo
It seems you think not wanting kids is something bad or is a deficit. I think it shows maturity and an ability to deal with reality. You are lovely as is, you don't have to "fix" the kid issue. The right guy will be in alignment with you and will not press you at all. The right guy for you will be more deeply concerned with your health and well-being than with having children.
 
hopeful said:
Enyo
It seems you think not wanting kids is something bad or is a deficit. I think it shows maturity and an ability to deal with reality. You are lovely as is, you don't have to "fix" the kid issue. The right guy will be in alignment with you and will not press you at all. The right guy for you will be more deeply concerned with your health and well-being than with having children.
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Thanks. It's true, but so hard for me to read.


Carrie A said:
Ultimately the question is do you want to be a mother or not.
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Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My therapist always told me that I have a "massive amount of love" that I enjoy giving - and it's true. I started mentoring a young lady at my job (aged 18), and everyone comments on how well we get along. I love my time with her and feel more alive when we talk about her life and seeks my advice. But I don't have the stamina and endurance to do all of the hard parts of taking care of another person besides myself.
 
Enyo said:
Thanks. It's true, but so hard for me to read.




Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My therapist always told me that I have a "massive amount of love" that I enjoy giving - and it's true. I started mentoring a young lady at my job (aged 18), and everyone comments on how well we get along. I love my time with her and feel more alive when we talk about her life and seeks my advice. But I don't have the stamina and endurance to do all of the hard parts of taking care of another person besides myself.
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To the bolded: that's perfectly okay. Everything is going to work out. I think you are perfect as is, today, right now. I have no doubt that you have a "massive amount of love" to give. You will make some guy very happy one day. And he will be very lucky indeed.
 
i am one of these women.*shrugs*

i love love love kids but im pretty indifferent about having my own. i think i will be happy either way so it rly depends on what my husband wants.
 
hopeful said:
Enyo
It seems you think not wanting kids is something bad or is a deficit. I think it shows maturity and an ability to deal with reality. You are lovely as is, you don't have to "fix" the kid issue. The right guy will be in alignment with you and will not press you at all. The right guy for you will be more deeply concerned with your health and well-being than with having children.
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Totally agree, and not just because I'm also one of those women who does not want kids. :lol:

I have never desired to have children. People always said I would change my mind but now coming up on age 36, nope...mind not changed at all.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me but I've since embraced it. Dating wise it can be a bit more challenging but I have come across men who were cool with it. I've also met those types who acted all okay with only to later try and ease in the whole "you'd be a great mom" talk. Yeah, easy for them to say when they aren't the ones having to be pregnant, birth it, and be primary caregiver. Nice try...NEXT!!! :lol:

Stay strong!
 
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