If he wants kids I guess I could pop one out...
- Thread starter Enyo
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BeyonceCarter
Well-Known Member
I don't think anyone should have children unless they absolutely want them, ESPECIALLY women because we have to bear the brunt of it all.
With that said, I've seen women who were so so about having kids who got pregnant and are now GREAT mothers and I have seen women who wanted kids so much and had them and are now depressed and one "MOMMY!" away from snapping.
I think women should refrain when they absolutely, POSITIVELY know that they DO NOT WANT OR LIKE KIDS.
But when you're so so, sometimes seeing your little one's face can change everything, so it is subjective.
With that said, I've seen women who were so so about having kids who got pregnant and are now GREAT mothers and I have seen women who wanted kids so much and had them and are now depressed and one "MOMMY!" away from snapping.
I think women should refrain when they absolutely, POSITIVELY know that they DO NOT WANT OR LIKE KIDS.
But when you're so so, sometimes seeing your little one's face can change everything, so it is subjective.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
I don't know about the numbers of women who have children just because the man wants one. But I think a lot of women have children just because they think it's what they're supposed to do rather than doing it because they really want to be mothers.
BeyonceCarter
Well-Known Member
OH sorry for my rambling 
, yea don't have a baby just cause a man wants you to have it.
, yea don't have a baby just cause a man wants you to have it.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I don't even want another dog, far less for a child just because dude wants one. There are too many examples of women who did this and got burned. A child needs to be 100% wanted on both sides. That is not to say a mother will not love her child but "popping one out" is not just something you do, unless you are a surrogate.
Blyss_curls
Well-Known Member
OK, forum. Straight up question!
What’s your honest opinion on women are "meh" about kids but have one because their partner really wants one. I have my own, but I want yours first.
My opinion?
Ewww. Such a BAD idea.
Used to work w/a woman that did this.
She was constantly overwhelmed by her spouse, son, life. Constantly seeking ANYONE to care for her child. I mean she'd snatch up folks at the daycare, and ask them if they'd sit for her. 
erplexed Kids party entertainers, whoever seemed good w/kids. She asked my dh, once. 
(No, he did not, but yeah--she asked).No concern whatsoever for her child's safety, etc. Half the folks she didn't know from Adam, and asked any age, sex, etc. But that happens, when someone does not make the decision to have a child, from their right mind (so to speak).
I felt like she was the reactionary mother, because she reacted to her husband's request to have a child--instead of making a conscious decision based on her authentic wants, needs, etc.
Not the case for the woman, I speak of--but many abuse scenarios are born out of situations where one parent or the other, does not really want children.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
My opinion?
Ewww. Such a BAD idea.
Used to work w/a woman that did this.
No concern whatsoever for her child's safety, etc. Half the folks she didn't know from Adam, and asked any age, sex, etc. But that happens, when someone does not make the decision to have a child, from their right mind (so to speak).
I felt like she was the reactionary mother, because she reacted to her husband's request to have a child--instead of making a conscious decision based on her authentic wants, needs, etc.
Not the case for the woman, I speak of--but many abuse scenarios are born out of situations where one parent or the other, does not really want children.
she may snap one day, or just up and leave. i wonder does her DH help out a lot? or did he just wants someone to carry on his name?
Blyss_curls
Well-Known Member
He didn't help her, at all. He also seemed less than supportive. He was actually quite an *ss, at least that was my dh's perception of him (his words).
He just seemed really about him and his life (he owned businesses), at the time. Now, several years later--most of those businesses are a thing of the past.
She shared that before I knew her, she was so unhappy and overwhelmed--she went blind. No joke. She had a bout of hysterical blindness.
I'd be surprised if I learned that she was still w/him.
On the bold:
It's so funny you said that. I remember that she said that was very important to him (and his family). So not long after they married--he started in with, "...make me a baby." Her dumb arse obliged.
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Surprised no one brought it up yet but if she's not married and doing it for him she is not very smart
I agree with BeyonceCarter, I've seen women all hyped up about motherhood only to be left feeling like a hamster in a wheel and others that were less enthuastic become great mothers
I think maybe the ones with this idea of amazing,perfect motherhood have a less realistic view and end up getting dissapointed
I agree with BeyonceCarter, I've seen women all hyped up about motherhood only to be left feeling like a hamster in a wheel and others that were less enthuastic become great mothers
I think maybe the ones with this idea of amazing,perfect motherhood have a less realistic view and end up getting dissapointed
MuziqizLyfe
Well-Known Member
I have seen way too many unwanted kids to think this is a good idea. It's unfair to the child to be brought here by a parent, especially their mother that wasn't fully on board with having them. I'm a mother of 3 and parenting is not a job you can "get into" with time. I don't care what anybody says. What a selfish thing to do
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Unpopular opinion alert.
If someone is clear about not wanting kids then no they shouldn't have them. But quite a few of my friends were "meh" about kids but decided to have them (sometimes for the DH and sometimes not) and every one of them LOVES being a mom. They're even more crazy about mothering then my friends who really wanted kids.
Go figure.
Makes me wonder if they were truly "meh" about it or if having a child of their own changed them in some deep way.
If someone is clear about not wanting kids then no they shouldn't have them. But quite a few of my friends were "meh" about kids but decided to have them (sometimes for the DH and sometimes not) and every one of them LOVES being a mom. They're even more crazy about mothering then my friends who really wanted kids.
Go figure.
Makes me wonder if they were truly "meh" about it or if having a child of their own changed them in some deep way.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Bad frickin idea.
I once had an aunt tell me that when I got married I'd want to have a baby to make my husband happy.erplexed
She's otherwise a very smart woman, but...yeah
I once had an aunt tell me that when I got married I'd want to have a baby to make my husband happy.
erplexedShe's otherwise a very smart woman, but...yeah
Enyo
Well-Known Member
Loved the responses. Thanks, Ladies.
The reason why I asked is because I'm 31 and I really need to decide what direction I want to take my life in. I already know I want to be a Clinical Social Worker, preferably with the military. But as far as my personal life goes, part of me really wants a stable home life. It's not secret that I suffer from bipolar disorder that makes it very hard to maintain a relationship, but I can't just sit around and cry about it. I have to try. It just seems as though so many men want traditional families, and I feel daunted at the prospect of finding someone who would like a long term relationship, can deal with my disorder, and doesn't really care about kids of their own. I've considered dating older men, but most guys who have kids that are a tolerable age (read: over the age of 10) are in their 40's and sometimes 50's. I'm not sure if I want to be married to a 70 - 75 year old when I'm only 60.
Something has to give, but what? It seems like I need to pick something I'm wiling to forgo in order to realize my dream to have a long-term partner. I know in my heart kids would be the thing I would avoid the most, but from what I've heard from men, that's the thing that they find the least desirable about me. I feel very trapped. I can't do anything about being bipolar, but I think I'm physically able to have a kid. I just think it's weird that the mental illness is fine, but the no-kid policy is a turn off. You'd think it'd be the other way around.
The reason why I asked is because I'm 31 and I really need to decide what direction I want to take my life in. I already know I want to be a Clinical Social Worker, preferably with the military. But as far as my personal life goes, part of me really wants a stable home life. It's not secret that I suffer from bipolar disorder that makes it very hard to maintain a relationship, but I can't just sit around and cry about it. I have to try. It just seems as though so many men want traditional families, and I feel daunted at the prospect of finding someone who would like a long term relationship, can deal with my disorder, and doesn't really care about kids of their own. I've considered dating older men, but most guys who have kids that are a tolerable age (read: over the age of 10) are in their 40's and sometimes 50's. I'm not sure if I want to be married to a 70 - 75 year old when I'm only 60.
Something has to give, but what? It seems like I need to pick something I'm wiling to forgo in order to realize my dream to have a long-term partner. I know in my heart kids would be the thing I would avoid the most, but from what I've heard from men, that's the thing that they find the least desirable about me. I feel very trapped. I can't do anything about being bipolar, but I think I'm physically able to have a kid. I just think it's weird that the mental illness is fine, but the no-kid policy is a turn off. You'd think it'd be the other way around.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Enyo
If you don't want kids, don't. Focus on your health first, making sure you are as stable as possible with the right medication, therapy, etc. Pursue your dream career, that will make you happy. Date older men and KIM. So what if you end up being 60 when he is 70? That is 30 years from now, you are thinking too far ahead. Focus on your mental health, your career aspirations, and getting with a guy who supports your no kids wish. I think forcing yourself to have a child would be detrimental to your health and well-being. No man is worth that.
If you don't want kids, don't. Focus on your health first, making sure you are as stable as possible with the right medication, therapy, etc. Pursue your dream career, that will make you happy. Date older men and KIM. So what if you end up being 60 when he is 70? That is 30 years from now, you are thinking too far ahead. Focus on your mental health, your career aspirations, and getting with a guy who supports your no kids wish. I think forcing yourself to have a child would be detrimental to your health and well-being. No man is worth that.
*CherryPie*
Well-Known Member
Raising children is not always easy. It can be very mentally stressful at times. With you being bipolar, you would be compounding stress for yourself. If you do have children, please be sure that you'll have some help...hands-on help. It's not only your life that having children affects.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Hard decisions. We all get to this point in our lives, particularly women. Plenty of bipolar women have children--as long as they are mindful of their disorder and keep close-track of their internal process anyone with any disorder can at least be decent parents. No one is perfect. 'Normal' moms have crappy days too.
As far as men, perhaps it is the type of men you're picking? At least in this area, there's plenty of men who neither want nor have children (I'm in the late 30s-age 50 dating pool). I haven't come across my not wanting another child (or sitting on the fence about it depending on the day lol) as a deal breaker either. Perhaps you're attracted to a certain profile/personality type that's really into making a family, etc? Maybe you want to date other personality types instead so that the idea of not having children is less problematic? IDK, just a thought.
As far as men, perhaps it is the type of men you're picking? At least in this area, there's plenty of men who neither want nor have children (I'm in the late 30s-age 50 dating pool). I haven't come across my not wanting another child (or sitting on the fence about it depending on the day lol) as a deal breaker either. Perhaps you're attracted to a certain profile/personality type that's really into making a family, etc? Maybe you want to date other personality types instead so that the idea of not having children is less problematic? IDK, just a thought.
Enyo
Well-Known Member
Bipolar does not come in days. There are periods of weeks and even months where I can be in an unrelenting intense depression or a state of mania. During these periods I can suffer from hallucinations, delusions, and suicidal thoughts. It's nowhere near the same as the average mom feeling run down or fed up once in a while.
Of course I'm picking. Certain standards have to be met, especially when you have my condition. One thing they tell us in group therapy is to be very careful about what kind of people you bring into your life. It's so much easier for us to be damaged. I've experienced what happens when I relax my standards. Not good. Not good at all. I see that I do put a lot of emphasis on the age thing but I've dated guys in their early 40's before and it was awkward. I didn't have much in common with them (generational gap) and most times the physical attract just wasn't there.
I do attract family-minded men most of the time. I attracted ONE guy who didn't want kids, but he ended up not being as attracted to me as I was to him.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
The suggestion was not to relax your standards...but maybe there are different ones. This is neither a black nor white issue.
Having kids is rough. And yes lots of support is needed for any parent. I'm not a 'normal' mom either. I was not trying to be trite or literal. It was more metaphorical. My bad 'days' can be more like months. I don't want to get into that in public but feel free to PM.
We can do almost anything its just sometimes we just have to take a different approach.
Having kids is rough. And yes lots of support is needed for any parent. I'm not a 'normal' mom either. I was not trying to be trite or literal. It was more metaphorical. My bad 'days' can be more like months. I don't want to get into that in public but feel free to PM.
We can do almost anything its just sometimes we just have to take a different approach.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I think you misunderstood DarkJoy. She was trying to encourage you. I am sorry you suffer from the bi-polar disease, breaks my heart and I don't even know you. Perhaps overtime as you continue therapy, the disease will lighten up a bit. I'll be praying for your happiness.
Aviah
Well-Known Member
I could not agree more.
Enyo
Well-Known Member
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
@ the bolded:
You really can't control it. As soon as sperm hits egg, its all out of your hands. You can't control when it cries or teethes or is up all night colicky. When they get a little older and are trying your patience, still out of your hands. There are men who don't want children, or don't want more children and you shouldn't relax your standards just because you haven't met him yet.
Bun Mistress
Well-Known Member
I am kinda meh about having kids. But I would have children with the right person. If I found some one that I was in love with I'm sure I would be more excited about having children. I know some women that dream of kids there whole life, I wasn't that girl. Even know if I didn't have children I would be ok, pregnancy/giving birth/raising a baby is a lot and doing it with (or without) a person you are committed to would just making everything more stressful.