idk what i should do!

[runwaydream]

ok. so there's this guy that i met a little while ago. we've hung out a couple of times and he's really sweet. sent me flowers for my birthday, remembered when i said i wanted the "across the universe" soundtrack and bought it for me. bought me a book to this movie i really liked. and he's an attractive black man, doing something with his life, well spoken and we like alot of the same things. but now he's telling me he REALLY likes me a lot and from our last date i can tell he wants to take it to the next level. here's the thing tho... he's just too... GOOD. i mean.. he's so straight edged. he's such a...square. the guys im usually attracted to have that extra SOMETHING about them. the kind of bad ass, i dont give a damn about anything aura about them. he doesnt have that.. i dont want to be one of those girls tho that go around saying, "where are all the good black men" and when i have one right in front of me that really likes me i let him go. but... idk. he's too GOOD. idk what to do. hes texting me and asking if he can take me out for valentines day. he wants to kno how i feel about him... i dont know what to say. i need advice ASAP. hes waiting for an answer...

 

[pr3tty]

Girl sometimes its time for a change. I changed the type of guys I usually go for and now I've found my Mr. Right. I say give him a chance and sometime after u guys are really relaxed and both let ur guard down he might not be as goody as u think and might just be what you've been looking for

 

[virtuosity]

Awww! How long have you known him?
I'd say to get to know him as well as you can. He may have a little swagger that just hasn't come out yet. He can't buy your affection and just b/c he spends money doesn't mean he's a good man-- HOWEVER don't write him off until you're ABSOLUTELY SURE that he's not the ONE...

 

[locabouthair]

so you don't like him?

If you know that he does not have what you like then, let him go....

 

[virtuosity]

Yep I agree!

Girl sometimes its time for a change. I changed the type of guys I usually go for and now I've found my Mr. Right. I say give him a chance and sometime after u guys are really relaxed and both let ur guard down he might not be as goody as u think and might just be what you've been looking for

 

[runwaydream]

i mean i like him.. but i think kind of like a friend. he doesnt have that certain bad a*s quality about him that attracts me to certain guys.
and i was thinking that. what some of u said "that maybe it's time for a change." thats why i dont want to say no. but i just dont want to lead him on and then drop him and when he hears why he starts disliking black girls .

 

[runwaydream]

Awww! How long have you known him?
I'd say to get to know him as well as you can. He may have a little swagger that just hasn't come out yet. He can't buy your affection and just b/c he spends money doesn't mean he's a good man-- HOWEVER don't write him off until you're ABSOLUTELY SURE that he's not the ONE...

well we've been "talking" for a little while now. but in the middle of it i started to seriously date one of these guys i was talking to. the one that had that "certain badass quality" but that ended about a month ago and since then he's been getting more of my attention. i would say maybe 4 months now...

but its not just cause he spends money, he listens to me when i speak. he remembers the things i say i like and dont like. he cares about when i have a bad day and listens to all of my complaining. he gives me really good advice. he makes me laugh. i think he's a good person. but more like a...friend type person. his personality doesnt turn me on.

 

[runwaydream]

*bumping* ....

 

[virtuosity]

tell him that you'd like to keep getting to know him but you're not really focused on having a serious relationship at the moment. From that he can either keep persuing you or be on his way...and you'll be buying more time to see if his personality evenutally does "something" for you...

 

[virtuosity]

but more like a...friend type person. his personality doesnt turn me on.

At then end of the day, the best man for you is the man who can be a good friend to you.

 

[locabouthair]

At then end of the day, the best man for you is the man who can be a good friend to you.

that's true.

 

[drasgrl]

Girl go for it! I never understood why some women like the bad boys, the boys that treat them like sh!t. I only like the good guys. Get to know him. Who knows maybe eventually he'll show his true colors turn bad just like you like and you'll have a bad boy you'll be trying to get rid of.

 

[runwaydream]

At then end of the day, the best man for you is the man who can be a good friend to you.

wow... i never thought of it like that before...

tell him that you'd like to keep getting to know him but you're not really focused on having a serious relationship at the moment. From that he can either keep persuing you or be on his way...and you'll be buying more time to see if his personality evenutally does "something" for you...

yea, i think i'll do that. i kinda feel bad cause he put his feelings out there and i have still yet to respond. i think ill say that tho..

Girl go for it! I never understood why some women like the bad boys, the boys that treat them like sh!t. I only like the good guys. Get to know him. Who knows maybe eventually he'll show his true colors turn bad just like you like and you'll have a bad boy you'll be trying to get rid of.

i kno... you're right. i mean there's a reason my last relationship ended. i just dont want to lead him if i'm not sure.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

let's just say you will regret it later. Those "badass" you go after, where are they? oh wait one ended a month ago. But home boy is still here.....

Do you not think you deserve better? Are you relationship phobic? I think you need to read the thread about settling. In this case if homeboy is as good as you say, but no real umph(badass attitude) then you need to settle, cause badass isn't paying you attention, nor is it sending you gifts.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

girl i havent read any of the responses but im in the same EXACT situation only that his guy who wants to date me is white he is soo nice almost too nice ...just wanted to say that

 

[Much2much41]

I have yet to meet a bad@$$ that was worth anything when it was all said and done. You can try to tame a hellcat if you want to, he's still going to be a wild animal at his core, and eventually, they tend to turn on you. You have a nice guy in front of you, why not give him a REAL chance? Focus on what he IS, not on what he ISN'T.

 

[FemmeCreole]

i mean i like him.. but i think kind of like a friend. he doesnt have that certain bad a*s quality about him that attracts me to certain guys.
and i was thinking that. what some of u said "that maybe it's time for a change." thats why i dont want to say no. but i just dont want to lead him on and then drop him and when he hears why he starts disliking black girls .

have you had a successful relationship with any of those "bad a$$" guys you seem to be attracted to?

I guess not since you not with either of them. You have found a good man....you say you like him....get over that superficial quality you think you want and see where it goes. If it doesn't work then so be it but if you wanna blank him just cause he's not a bad ass then I think that's just juvenile

 

[Spongie Bloom]

after reading all this advice i know what i need to do sometimes i just need a slap upside my head

 

[Caramela]

It doesn't sound like you're ready for a "good man"... you might still need somebody to treat you bad so you can appreciate the good man when he comes along. I don't know, girl
At any rate, you can't force chemistry, and if it's not there, it's just not there.

 

[runwaydream]

wow...there's a lot of good advice on this thread. i like the focus on what he is.. not what he isnt. but whats w. all this settling mess? i thought women shouldnt just SETTLE. i always thought settling was a bad thing? if you're settling then arent u missing out on what you COULD have?

i kno that i should give him a chance. but i was watching this korean show last night and this woman was in the same situation. and she tried to make her self be w. someone cause he was a good man. and in the end she tells him, "the most pitiful thing in the world is trying to force yourself to love someone who doesnt have a place in your heart"

i still havent given him an answer yet. i kno hes probably feeling a bit embarrassed. but w. the whole "my thinking is a bit juvenile" thing that someone said earlier. i think you're right. maybe i am being juvenile. maybe im not ready to grow up yet. i thought i wanted something real but maybe im not prepared for it...

 

[firecracker]

Girl go for it! I never understood why some women like the bad boys, the boys that treat them like sh!t. I only like the good guys. Get to know him. Who knows maybe eventually he'll show his true colors turn bad just like you like and you'll have a bad boy you'll be trying to get rid of.

I know you can't force yourself to like or love someone but bad boys ain't the lick!

 

[january noir]

let's just say you will regret it later. Those "badass" you go after, where are they? oh wait one ended a month ago. But home boy is still here.....

Do you not think you deserve better? Are you relationship phobic? I think you need to read the thread about settling. In this case if homeboy is as good as you say, but no real umph(badass attitude) then you need to settle, cause badass isn't paying you attention, nor is it sending you gifts.

Tell her Abenyo...
Don't make the same mistake that other women do choosing men 'cause they are "wild" and "unpredictable" and you like 'em that way.

You'll eventually mature and the type of man you are kicking to the curb now will be the kind of man you'll want and can't find...trust and believe.

 

[Lucie]

Tell her Abenyo...
Don't make the same mistake that other women do choosing men 'cause they are "wild" and "unpredictable" and you like 'em that way.

You'll eventually mature and the type of man you are kicking to the curb now will be the kind of man you'll want and can't find...trust and believe.

ITA!!!!!!!!!

 

[tocktick]

ok. so there's this guy that i met a little while ago. we've hung out a couple of times and he's really sweet. sent me flowers for my birthday, remembered when i said i wanted the "across the universe" soundtrack and bought it for me. bought me a book to this movie i really liked. and he's an attractive black man, doing something with his life, well spoken and we like alot of the same things. but now he's telling me he REALLY likes me a lot and from our last date i can tell he wants to take it to the next level. here's the thing tho... he's just too... GOOD. i mean.. he's so straight edged. he's such a...square. the guys im usually attracted to have that extra SOMETHING about them. the kind of bad ass, i dont give a damn about anything aura about them. he doesnt have that.. i dont want to be one of those girls tho that go around saying, "where are all the good black men" and when i have one right in front of me that really likes me i let him go. but... idk. he's too GOOD. idk what to do. hes texting me and asking if he can take me out for valentines day. he wants to kno how i feel about him... i dont know what to say. i need advice ASAP. hes waiting for an answer...

i'd say yes. i mean, where have the bad boys got you? where are they now, exactly? by the sounds of things you aren't still with any of them now. so i'm assuming you've never actually been in a successful relationship with any of the bad guys. you have a man who is caring, considerate and treats you well. do you want to break free from him because deep down you don't feel you deserve a good man? i suppose only you can answer that when you think deeply about the true causes for why you don't want to give this guy a chance. with this said, i would have suggested that it was as simple as not having any chemistry with this guy but it seems that there is different underlying reason for all this. good luck.

 

[NYCQT16]

Bad boys ain't worth ****. I like bad boys too but they really ain't worth ****. You should give this guy a chance...and if you don't want to, throw him back in the sea so another lady can snatch him up

 

[Divine Inspiration]

Girl go for it! I never understood why some women like the bad boys, the boys that treat them like sh!t. I only like the good guys. Get to know him. Who knows maybe eventually he'll show his true colors turn bad just like you like and you'll have a bad boy you'll be trying to get rid of.

YES! And ITA w/ Tocktick.

PLEASE do not get caught up in that cycle of choosing emotionally unavailable men or morally bankrupt men for the sake of some "excitement"...the good men can be just as exciting but in a much more stable and healthy way.

Seriously, like another posted asked, where have the bad boys gotten you? Bad boys tend to be ambivalent heartbreakers, and who has time for that?

You teach people how to treat you, and God will NOT continue to put excellent men in your lap if you reject them. If you honestly don't believe that you deserve this good man, then please, FREE HIM, so he can go find a woman who will love him and cherish his goodness.

It's not even about you settling for him. If there's no spark there, then fine. But if you genuinely like him but are allowing your mind to play tricks on you and tell you he's not right solely because he's good, then something is wrong. Trust that there are plenty of women who would trade places with you in a heartbeat because they REFUSE to settle for the bad boys and all the confusion and mess they bring.

What do YOU want? Seriously. What makes you happy? What is your vision for your future, romantically speaking? You have to answer these questions for yourself before you can assess whether he fits into that vision.

Good luck!

 

[itismehmmkay]

I say go for it!
And perhaps the Big Daddy Challenge may help bring out that edge

 

[Much2much41]

wow...there's a lot of good advice on this thread. i like the focus on what he is.. not what he isnt. but whats w. all this settling mess? i thought women shouldnt just SETTLE. i always thought settling was a bad thing? if you're settling then arent u missing out on what you COULD have?

i kno that i should give him a chance. but i was watching this korean show last night and this woman was in the same situation. and she tried to make her self be w. someone cause he was a good man. and in the end she tells him, "the most pitiful thing in the world is trying to force yourself to love someone who doesnt have a place in your heart"

i still havent given him an answer yet. i kno hes probably feeling a bit embarrassed. but w. the whole "my thinking is a bit juvenile" thing that someone said earlier. i think you're right. maybe i am being juvenile. maybe im not ready to grow up yet. i thought i wanted something real but maybe im not prepared for it...

How is dating/marrying a good man "settling"? Help me understand that. To me, settling would be:

Marrying a man with 5 or 6 kids he doesn't take care of
Marrying a man that is disrespectful just because he puts it down in the bedroom
Marrying a man knowing he has several other women on the side
Marrying a man that you have to take care of because he refuses to work
Marrying a man that beats you, thinking it will get better

There are so many things worse than hooking up with a man that clearly cares about you. That very man you turn down you may end up looking for after these bad@sses get down putting you through hell, because most women are looking for that type of man, they know it, and they aren't interested in settling down with any of them. In the meantime, you're leaving a good man hanging while you fantasize about some imaginary dude with swagger that hasn't arrived yet, nor do you know for sure that he will. Those very same men you want may not be interested in marrying you, or have you even thought of that? As far as the current man is concerned, if you don't want him, tell him to keep it moving, but I think you may live to regret it.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

i said settle cause apparently in your young life you think "bada$$" is the way to go, so settle for the good guy.

Settling is considered a bad thing at times, but it depends on where you are in life and what you are settling for.

Since we are all older we know that this 'good" guy is the way to go, but to you it isn't. So for your future settle for this guy and you will see that you knew nothing at all when it comes to choosing a proper mate at the age you are now.

You will actually appreciate yourself for taking the "new" steps you took.

 

[Always~Wear~Joy]

Girl are you crazy!?! This guy seems like he is one in a million. From what you've shared he is very thoughful and cares about you. Don't toss this one aside!