"I wish my hair looked like the white neighbor's"

[shunemite]

My 6 yr old niece said this to me today as I was doing her hair. She has natural kinky 4b hair. I am visiting for the holidays, I see them about once a year coz we live so far apart. Her neighbor is her age and has blond straight hair. I immediately told her that her hair is beautiful and she adamantly disagreed. She told me in full detail that her hair does not "fall straight". She pointed to her white doll that she got for Christmas and said, "that hair is pretty".

I mean, what do I tell her? I talked to my SIL and she didn't think it was a big deal. I told my mother about it and she suggested a relaxer, and I was like you're only making the situation worse.

 

[Lovelylocs]

Who the hell bought her a white doll?

 

[Geminigirl]

you just have to teach her. Have y'all seen Princess Tiana? maybe find some pics or YT vids of children with beautiful natural hair enjoying it. I was just watching this channel

YouTube - GirlsLoveYourCurls's Channel

You just have to teach her that's the only way she's going to learn. GL



ETA- are you relaxed or natural?


ETA- again sorry I thought this was your daughter. reading sure is fundamental.

 

[Kash]

How pitiful! There's a thread titled "Brainwashed", its on this subject. Maybe you'll find some advice there.

 

[afrikurl]

What about your brother? how does he feel? I don't understand why her mom would think her feeling bad about who she is is not that big a deal. I bet if she said I want white skin like the neighbor, her mom would think there is an issue. May I suggest a doll named Taryn. She is a journey doll I got it from toys r us for $20 and she is undeniably beautiful.
Journey Girls 18 inch Soft-Bodied Doll - Taryn - Toys R Us - Toys "R" Us

The sad truth is if you are not around and the people around don't care enough to boost her self esteem, not much can be done about it

 

[LuvlyRain3]

^^^ That's what I was thinking. My mother never bought white dolls for me and my sisters. But honestly I don't like most black dolls either. From the facial features to their hair. its just all wrong. Your niece obviously has an image complex. It all starts at home. I'm sorry but most black parents brush things like that under the rug and treat it like its not a big deal.

My niece has an image complex too. My sister started texturizing her hair when she was 4. Went to full relaxers at age six. When I bcd my niece told me that I should get a weave and that purple don't like hair like mine I don't worry about it because at the end of the day she is not my child is not my place to try and play parent. But I how she learns to be independent before her teen years.

 

[jennboo]

OP, do you rock your hair straight or natural kinky/curly? How do the other women in her household, or family in general (mom, grandmom, any sisters/cousins, etc.), wear their hair?

 

[Geminigirl]

they have more ethnic dolls out now with more natural hair, but i'm sure they aren't cheap.

oh has she seen the I love my hair song?

 

[NikStarrr]

Even if she didn't have white dolls, there is still just too much outside interference (tv, kids at school, etc.) that still affects kids at that age. I think the biggest influence is how the women in her family, particularly her mother, wears her hair. But I think getting over the hair thing unfortunately will still be a sort of right of passage for even the younger generations, because even though more women are wearing natural hair, it still isn't the mainstream. Even those Nickelodeon & Disney shows that have black actresses as the leads--they are wearing long straight hair (i.e. Raven & and there's another who's name escapes me). I think at that age all one can do is just reiterate to her that yea straight hair is pretty, but HER hair is pretty too.

 

[qchelle]

What about your brother? how does he feel? I don't understand why her mom would think her feeling bad about who she is is not that big a deal. I bet if she said I want white skin like the neighbor, her mom would think there is an issue. May I suggest a doll named Taryn. She is a journey doll I got it from toys r us for $20 and she is undeniably beautiful.
Journey Girls 18 inch Soft-Bodied Doll - Taryn - Toys R Us - Toys "R" Us

The sad truth is if you are not around and the people around don't care enough to boost her self esteem, not much can be done about it

Dang! I want that doll! I never had a doll with big curly afro hair when I was little

 

[SND411]

Even if she didn't have white dolls, there is still just too much outside interference (tv, kids at school, etc.) that still affects kids at that age. I think the biggest influence is how the women in her family, particularly her mother, wears her hair. But I think getting over the hair thing unfortunately will still be a sort of right of passage for even the younger generations, because even though more women are wearing natural hair, it still isn't the mainstream. Even those Nickelodeon & Disney shows that have black actresses as the leads--they are wearing long straight hair (i.e. Raven & and there's another who's name escapes me). I think at that age all one can do is just reiterate to her that yea straight hair is pretty, but HER hair is pretty too.

Honestly, I think it would be beneficial to have television characters/media display the beauty of natural hair. Yes, the biggest influences are the parents and family. But there comes a time when the child will not just need parents and family to build self-esteem, especially when they immerse themselves more into the world. And many people know their mothers will tell them they are beautiful no matter what; what happens when other forces tell them otherwise?

But it seems the media changing may not be any time soon, we we MUST do our part.

 

[lovegymnasts]

Unless her parents see this as being a problem, this issue is not going to change and probably get worse.

If they are looking for suggestions:
bombard her with positive black images and praise
Black/African American

dolls
books
shows (old school suggestions: Gullah Gullah Island, Little Bill, Electric Company, Sesame Street)
professionals and social groups (suggestions: pediatrician, dentist, church, play groups)
worship and praise the characteristics that are unique to her race/ethnicity (how beautiful she is, absentmindedly playing in her hair, oowing and ahhing)​

She is constantly bombarded with Anglo/White images outside even within the home. They will have to make a conscious effort to give her positive Black/African American images. I would also address this issue with the other adults that have a lot of contact with her so they can also reinforce.
Ignoring a problem/issue does not make it better or make it go away.

My 2 cents

 

[Lovelylife]

The hair may be a lost cause until she develops maturity. Try to help her focus on developing her talents so that she can proud of that, praise her for her intelligence and personality.
People won't like everything about them.
Also she may seem too young but kids are smart. This will be a good time to teach her about the history surrounding natural hair.

 

[nappystorm]

Poor dear.

I have a similar story. In the first grade, I told my aunt I wanted my teacher's hair. She flipped and started ranting about my hair is just as pretty. I just stared blankly. I was talking about the color, length, and fullness (I still stan for that lady's hair). Not the texture. I appreciate what she was trying to do now but back then I thought she was insane.

MY aunt is one of my greatest hair inspirations though. Because of her and her hair, I never bought into the notion that 4b hair couldn't grow, I learned the importance of PS, technique vs product (she's a cheapie), and the importance of clean hair. The last time I saw her she rocking natural blown out WL ponytail.

Just be a real life example for her and she will get on board eventually.

 

[shunemite]

Thanks ladies for all of your replies . Unfortunately, it was my SIL herself who bought 2 white dolls for Christmas. They only have white dolls in the house. I personally had black dolls growing up. I do notice that the whole neighborhood is white kids, and the tv programs as well. She has a few black friends who live farther away. I haven't yet talked to my brother about it, he actually wore his hair in dreads for several years. He just cut the dreads recently. My SIL is recently natural for a year now mostly in singles braids. She wore a twa for about a month in Jan. I have my hair braided in twists (with extensions). I am relaxed.

This is actually a good learning experience for me to raise my own kids when I have my own to be PROUD of their hair. I will show my niece the Youtube video link. eta: just saw the youtube video and the threading is what my own mom used to use on mine, I will do this Wed when I wash her hair.

 

[jennboo]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

 

[nappystorm]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

Good point. One of the reasons for the blank stare I gave my aunt is the fact that she was rocking a MBL jherri curl at the time so how was she not going to tell me not to stan for red hair. I wanted to point that out but I didn't want a :hardslap: I think she BC'ed sometime later though.

 

[SheenaVee]

What's the big deal with having white dolls? I did and I turned out fine. *shrugs*

 

[SND411]

What's the big deal with having white dolls? I did and I turned out fine. *shrugs*

Well obviously, not every child is (was) like you. Some need the encouragement/validation through toys.

 

[SheenaVee]

Well obviously, not every child is (was) like you. Some need the encouragement/validation through toys.

Yeah, I get that, but like someone else stated, there a tons of other influences to consider. IMO toys nowadays don't impact children as much as the TV does.

For example, my 7 year old cousin, he's a boy and doesn't own dolls of any kind. His toys mainly consist of cars, transformers, animals, things that aren't even human etc. and one day he said, "I wish I was white." And we asked him why and he said, "because Ben 10 is white."

 

[I Am So Blessed]

Is this more of a length issue with her? becuase if the white girl has long hair and your niece has short hair, then i kinda hunderstand becuase most little black girls want LONG hair.

 

[I Am So Blessed]

Yeah, I get that, but like someone else stated, there a tons of other influences to consider. IMO toys nowadays don't impact children as much as the TV does.

For example, my 7 year old cousin, he's a boy and doesn't own dolls of any kind. His toys mainly consist of cars, transformers, animals, things that aren't even human etc. and one day he said, "I wish I was white." And we asked him why and he said, "because Ben 10 is white."

LOL!!!!

then i would have said to him "ben probably wants to be black"

 

[qchelle]

What's the big deal with having white dolls? I did and I turned out fine. *shrugs*

Yea, I wasn't going to say anything for fear of being stoned, but since you started it : I think if the parents are doing a good job instilling self-esteem in their children, having a few white dolls isn't going to counteract all of that. If anything, I think it promotes diversity.

And I went back and read the OP and it said that she only has white dolls? Well, that's just weird to me. I wonder why her parents don't ever buy her black dolls??

 

[preciouslove0x]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I agree COMPLETELY. This is most likely the issue. Your niece would probably never notice her white friend's straight hair unless it was *most likely* down her back and blowing in the wind or something...... Me and my friends as kids would always put towels on the back of our heads and make the towel go past our bottoms because we always dreamed of having long hair. And because white kids were the only kids we noticed at the time with long hair we wished to have hair more like them.

ETA: I was referencing Adora's post...

 

[I Am So Blessed]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I agree COMPLETELY. This is most likely the issue. Your niece would probably never notice her white friend's straight hair unless it was *most likely* down her back and blowing in the wind or something...... Me and my friends as kids would always put towels on the back of our heads and make the towel go past our bottoms because we always dreamed of having long hair. And because white kids were the only kids we noticed at the time with long hair we wished to have hair more like them.

ETA: I was referencing Adora's post...

its funny how most people only see white people as having long hair. when i was a little girl i was always admiring the puerto rican, indian and asian class mate's hair. but most of all, i loved long african american hair (when i actually saw a black girl with it).

I still dont find most white hair attractive.

eta: LOL i use to do the same thing with the towel. actually i used a T-shirt and put it on my head. but i never wanted a white girls hair.

 

[SND411]

Yeah, I get that, but like someone else stated, there a tons of other influences to consider. IMO toys nowadays don't impact children as much as the TV does.

For example, my 7 year old cousin, he's a boy and doesn't own dolls of any kind. His toys mainly consist of cars, transformers, animals, things that aren't even human etc. and one day he said, "I wish I was white." And we asked him why and he said, "because Ben 10 is white."

I definitely feel TV has a way bigger influence. I wish there were more shows with African Americans main characters with natural hair.

 

[I Am So Blessed]

I definitely feel TV has a way bigger influence. I wish there were more shows with African Americans main characters with natural hair.

oh please, i blame black women for this. if more actually took the time to grow and maintain their hair instead of relying on weave, wigs etc. little girls would have there own long hair to love instead of wanting someone else's.

imagin if all black women had long hair, do you think little girls would covet white people's hair? I THINK NOT.

 

[HoneyA]

This is really sad that she would be thinking like this as a child. OP, is there any way that you could become more influential in her life an make her see the beauty of her own hair texture and her unique beauty? Sometimes it only takes one person...

 

[HoneyA]

oh please, i blame black women for this. if more actually took the time to grow and maintain their hair instead of relying on weave, wigs etc. little girls would have there own long hair to love instead of wanting someone else's.

imagin if all black women had long hair, do you think little girls would covet white people's hair? I THINK NOT.

But the thing is that many of us had thick hair as children before we altered the texture. Our hair was always able to grow just as long. It was the shrinkage that made it look shorter and like if it was not growing. Even now my jaw drops at the shrinkage I see on this board: barely SL in its natural state, damn near WL when flat ironed. People do not realise this. Our hair grows and will reach long lengths if taken care of properly. There is a classic length thread here! This is information that many black women do not yet have. My daughters will have it though.

 

[kaykaybobay]

Growing up I never thought like I wanted this or that hair - neither did my sisters. Also all we had were white dolls later on I did buy a cabbage patch doll that was black. I never though wanted to look like Barbie.