"I wish my hair looked like the white neighbor's"

[BostonMaria]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

At the age of 7 my DD said to me "I wish my hair was like Amy's" her best friend Amy had beautiful, straight tailbone blonde hair. My kid actually cried. This is before I started my hair journey. My DD has beautiful tailbone length curly hair and I was actually shocked that she even thought this. I told her that her hair is beautiful and she could wear it curly or straight unlike her friend. She didn't wanna hear it.

A few weeks later as I was picking up DD from school, her friend Amy came up behind her, touched her hair and said "I love your hair, I wish my hair was curly" and DD was so happy LOL she never ever brought up the subject again. I was like thanks God! I now make it a point to tell her how beautiful her hair and complexion is. I BC'd a year later.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[havilland]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

i would just say that "hair is just that...hair.....it's not who you are or who you will be....it's hair. straight, curly, kinky. whatever you choose is a style. it is up to you."

i would however talk to my child about who they are as a person and make sure that they realize that hating your hair or anything else about yourself is not allowed. God made that hair and He made you. how you choose to STYLE it is up to you, but i will not stand for my child hating anything about themselves. that is a deeper issue. i would explain to my child that they are a whole person, not just hair.

i recently told my niece, who has hip length, natural, 4a hair and all white friends, that i was proud of who she is as a person and that she is a "woman becoming". she says her friends are jealous of HER hair becuase it's so much longer than theirs. her white friends think her hair is so long becuase it's thicker than theirs and THEY are jealous of her. she just shrugged and said "but, aunt dawn, who cares? i don't." i couldn't have been more proud! (she has a family that buys AA dolls, books about AA children and their families and i do the same for her)

i wear my hair straight, curly, wild, blown out, in two pigtails...weaves, wigs...i am texlaxed to "control" my curls becuase that is what i prefer. i don't hate my hair. i get mad at it sometimes, but i do love my hair.

i still say at the end of the day, it's just hair......

 

[havilland]

i also have to agree with a few other posters....i always wanted LONG hair, not type 1A hair...i went to school with caucasian women...i NEVER wanted caucasian hair. i always thought mine was more versatile and so did they.

 

[Evolving78]

this is the main reason why i decided to stick to being natural. there is nobody in my family that is natural. my daughter's aunt is natural, but her hair type is 3b, she has two cousins with the 3b as well. her texture is 3b-3c. my texture is 4a. everyone in my family has that good hair complex. so i am the post child for kinky, nappy, healthy hair. i know i will have to be the one to teach my daughter that her hair is beautiful, how to take care of it, and to not let anyone make her feel bad about it. i pray God keeps me on this earth until she is way into adulthood.

i just talked to my mother about how to properly detangle my hair. she never knew how to do it and was ripping my hair out. my hair stayed short as a kid, as well as her hair when she was young. my mother was raised by her father. my mother was the darkest one out of her sisters, and their textures was more wavy/curly. so i see where she gets it from, so i really have to make sure my daughter will be in good hands.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Yeah, this is sad..

And people are shocked about how some women feel in the co-creating with a white man thread....childhood feelings like this is where it starts for many...MEN- NEE folks.

 

[JJamiah]

I had an issue totally unrelated to hair.

My cousin who has always been thick, was crying. She was about 7. She was crying and eating string beans like for every meal. I was like TT what is wrong, why aren't you eating. Her reply was to be like you. I gave her the side eye, like me, I replied. Yes like you, thin. I was like girl you better eat. Have you ever seen me starve myself, I am what god made me. Your beautiful. I began to tickle her and tell her how gorgeous she was. How being thin isn't why people like me, it was my inner beauty.
My little cousin wasn't overweight, she just was a solid girl. She ate very little but that was her natural body shape. There was nothing wrong with that in my eyes. Not like she was a horrid muncher. I ate everything she did in larger portions plus more.

I also made it my business to tell her how beautiful she was everyday.
Today she is beautiful with her own baby and I am glad I was there to help her learn beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

 

[JJamiah]

All that was to say that I think it is very important to have the right person there. Obviously my lil cousin looked up to me in more ways than I knew. I had to let her know She was beautiful just the way she was.

We are our girls first role models. Even when they admire someone else. If we are there to encourage them that is more important than changing their minds about their idea of beauty. If she thinks Amy's hair is beautiful. I'd agree and say but you know who's hair I like and show her yours. Then tell her how beautiful she is.

Boston I love what you did. That is awesome.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

I mean...if we're talking about the fact that she wants long straight hair...having the average black doll wouldn't really help that problem. Most of the black dolls that I see have straight silky hair. *shrug*

I hate to hear stories like this because it shows how far things have NOT come for some families.

 

[Solitude]

My 6 yr old niece said this to me today as I was doing her hair. She has natural kinky 4b hair. I am visiting for the holidays, I see them about once a year coz we live so far apart. Her neighbor is her age and has blond straight hair. I immediately told her that her hair is beautiful and she adamantly disagreed. She told me in full detail that her hair does not "fall straight". She pointed to her white doll that she got for Christmas and said, "that hair is pretty".

I mean, what do I tell her? I talked to my SIL and she didn't think it was a big deal. I told my mother about it and she suggested a relaxer, and I was like you're only making the situation worse.

Tell her that she and her hair are beautiful. My parents told me this every single day of my life - that I was beautiful inside & out. They ALSO told me that I was incredibly smart and talked to me about college, and other important aspects of life (our religious beliefs and family values). They told me not to change my personality and beliefs for my "friends" or for a man or for a job. It's not just hair - it's creating a positive self-image for a child.

So many times we get caught on on this hair aspect (of course this is a hair board)- as if a child having natural hair instead of relaxed hair will create instant self-esteem. It doesn't work that way. Anyhow, my favorite doll and the only one I can remember was a white doll (who I named Belle, after Beauty & the Beast). She was completely bald-headed and ugly. I still have her - my son and niece laugh at this doll. I only needed one doll because I never wanted a whole bunch of kids. I was too busy reading books to worry about dolls all of the time. My parents taught me to focus on more on books more than beauty. IMO, teaching a child to appreciate all cultures is key.

 

[Lita]

You have many factors here..Media & what society considers beautiful..Its very important that the family reinforces how beautiful god has made her & she looks good just the way she is...

Good Luck!


My Black Is Beautiful.......



Happy Hair Growing!

 

[shunemite]

Is this more of a length issue with her? becuase if the white girl has long hair and your niece has short hair, then i kinda understand becuase most little black girls want LONG hair.

good point here, my niece's hair can fit into 3 plaits, it's not very long. My SIL is just starting to change horrible hair practices, she used to use those tiny multi colored rubber bands to hold the hair with GEL, lol. She has come a long way coz now we are down to weekly shampooing, loose plaits, and coconut oil.

One thing my SIL has agreed to do is stop complaining while doing the hair about how tangled it is. I have little influence right now coz I live so far, but I think I will buy her a black doll. Yes, she does not own a single one.

 

[shunemite]

Yea, I wasn't going to say anything for fear of being stoned, but since you started it : I think if the parents are doing a good job instilling self-esteem in their children, having a few white dolls isn't going to counteract all of that. If anything, I think it promotes diversity.

And I went back and read the OP and it said that she only has white dolls? Well, that's just weird to me. I wonder why her parents don't ever buy her black dolls??

no stoning here, but, yes, she only has white dolls, I was surprised myself when I got here, unless you count Dora the explorer.

 

[Mizz Diamonds]

Looking back I never had a black doll the dolls I had were given to me by other people for birthdays and such. My parents bought me two dolls. Which were white a sky dancer and a princess Cici. And I never wanted to be white or have hair like that. I always put single braids on my dolls and sew Nigerian clothes for them I guess it's becasue my parents instilled a sense of pride of who I am.

And come to think about it back in the 90's there were a whole bunch of black women on TV. I loved Brandy watched Moesha all the time. Sister, Sister. Monica and Aaliyah. Even with the spice girls I loved Mel B she had a big arse afro and I asked my mum to style my hair like that.

It really does start from the home and if getting her a black doll could be a start I saw a really cute one on TV the other day so cute. She had a big afro and glasses and was wearing a cute sweater My brother was like Diamonds that doll looks like you, she kinda did

 

[Kash]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

This is the part that I don't understand. If afro textured hair is "so versatile", then why do most black women keep their hair straight 100% of the time with chemical relaxers?

 

[Solitude]

Just an inquiry...

To the women who rock straightened hair, what would you say to your own daughter if she expressed disdain for her natural hair and a strong preference for a little white girls straight hair? What would you say to her?

I'm sure most women would tell their daughter that her har is just as good/pretty but what would you say if she asked about your own perpetually straightened hair? Just curious.

I can go for months wearing only textured styles and people ask me almost daily if my hair is natural. I personally don't think it's a big deal if the mother has relaxed hair and the daughter doesn't. My sister went natural supposedly for my niece, but still rocks weaves/wigs most of the time, whereas my niece sees me wearing beautiful textured styles and caring for my real hair.
[FONT=&quot]
You have a point, though. I think part of the reason why I wanted a relaxer when I was younger is because my mom and older sister had one. I never thought my hair was ugly, though. I did think that it took forever to wash/condition/style.
[/FONT]

This is the part that I don't understand. If afro textured hair is "so versatile", then why do most black women keep their hair straight 100% of the time with chemical relaxers?

[FONT=&quot]I think women, relaxed, or natural may not realize how versatile our hair is. My hair is relaxed, but I didn't start rocking braidouts, twistouts, bantu knot-outs, rollersets etc. until I joined LHCF and found the tutorials on youtube. So...what I'm saying is that relaxed (chemically straightened/curl pattern loosened) hair doesn't have to equal straight hair styles.
[/FONT]

 

[sensi sweetie]

Who the hell bought her a white doll?

erplexed
TF? I babysit a white girl who has a black baby doll and I don't hear anyone saying "Who the hell bought her a black doll??"

Y'all are too much sometimes.

 

[Kash]

I can go for months wearing only textured styles and people ask me almost daily if my hair is natural. I personally don't think it's a big deal if the mother has relaxed hair and the daughter doesn't. My sister went natural supposedly for my niece, but still rocks weaves/wigs most of the time, whereas my niece sees me wearing beautiful textured styles and caring for my real hair.

[FONT=&quot]You have a point, though. I think part of the reason why I wanted a relaxer when I was younger is because my mom and older sister had one. I never thought my hair was ugly, though. I did think that it took forever to wash/condition/style.
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]I think women, relaxed, or natural may not realize how versatile our hair is. My hair is relaxed, but I didn't start rocking braidouts, twistouts, bantu knot-outs, rollersets etc. until I joined LHCF and found the tutorials on youtube. So...what I'm saying is that relaxed (chemically straightened/curl pattern loosened) hair doesn't have to equal straight hair styles.
[/FONT]

Thank you for answering my question. But the versatile styles you speak of are coming after you chemically relax the hair and destroy your natural texture. So, if the afro textured hair is versatile, why not do all the pretty styles, braidouts, twistouts, etc... on the hair without chemically relaxing the hair?

 

[lovely_locks]

How odl is youe neice? Sorry if you said her age I just skimmed this post. But what I have noticed is that when girls get to that age where they care way too much about their looks they always compare themselves to their friends, no matter the skin color. I had a friend (white) who hated her hair! Her hair was straight and she wanted curly hair so bad. And I wanted long hair so bad. And trust me, the poor self image did not stop at hair. It's important for her to love her whole self. Not just her hair. Sorry if this post is all over the place my kids are acting crazy and I keep losing my train of thought.

 

[ClassicBeauty]

Everytime I think about relaxing or cutting my hair, one of these threads pop up and I'm reminded that I need to set an example for my daughter. Her hair is still changing (she's only 4 months), but it looks like it will be more textured/kinky than mine. I don't want her to have issues, so the least I can do is stay natural and practice what I plan to preach.

 

[sensi sweetie]

How odl is youe neice? Sorry if you said her age I just skimmed this post. But what I have noticed is that when girls get to that age where they care way too much about their looks they always compare themselves to their friends, no matter the skin color. I had a friend (white) who hated her hair! Her hair was straight and she wanted curly hair so bad. And I wanted long hair so bad. And trust me, the poor self image did not stop at hair. It's important for her to love her whole self. Not just her hair. Sorry if this post is all over the place my kids are acting crazy and I keep losing my train of thought.

THANK YOU! Except I don't think it stops with age. Think about all the white woman that get perms for example. I grew up in a predominantly white district and lemme tell ya, i'ts the white chicks relaxer They were constantly betching about their boring, flat hair and desperatly doing anything they could to make it bigger (they call it "volume" )

This also reminds me of an episode of the Girls Next Door a few years back (I know, I know) where Kendra wanted her hair to be teased into a 'fro for a party. Lemme tell you, they made it happen and chick was stoked. You could just tell she felt cute

My point is, the grass is always greener on the other side. There is no need to make you niece feel as though her beauty is superior, but let her know that everyone is beautiful in their own way and that somewhere out there is a little girl envying her hair just as she is envying her neighbors.

 

[SheenaVee]

Looking back I never had a black doll the dolls I had were given to me by other people for birthdays and such. My parents bought me two dolls. Which were white a sky dancer and a princess Cici. And I never wanted to be white or have hair like that. I always put single braids on my dolls and sew Nigerian clothes for them I guess it's becasue my parents instilled a sense of pride of who I am.

And come to think about it back in the 90's there were a whole bunch of black women on TV. I loved Brandy watched Moesha all the time. Sister, Sister. Monica and Aaliyah. Even with the spice girls I loved Mel B she had a big arse afro and I asked my mum to style my hair like that.

It really does start from the home and if getting her a black doll could be a start I saw a really cute one on TV the other day so cute. She had a big afro and glasses and was wearing a cute sweater My brother was like Diamonds that doll looks like you, she kinda did

Completely agree with everything here! I had white dolls and I used to practice CORNROWS on their hair and pretend they were black like me. And yes, Mel B was ALWAYS my favourite spice girl, and I wanted her hair! I even had a doll of her!!

 

[Soul♥Flower]

I would say show her more images of beautiful little girls that look like her. It'll absorb eventually.

 

[Lovelylocs]

erplexed
TF? I babysit a white girl who has a black baby doll and I don't hear anyone saying "Who the hell bought her a black doll??"

Y'all are too much sometimes.

There's lots of studies on the importance of black children having black dolls.

And there are studies on how many black children prefer white dolls.

 

[Solitude]

Thank you for answering my question. But the versatile styles you speak of are coming after you chemically relax the hair and destroy your natural texture. So, if the afro textured hair is versatile, why not do all the pretty styles, braidouts, twistouts, etc... on the hair without chemically relaxing the hair?

I don't want to derail the thread because it has nothing to do with the whole relaxed/natural/destroy your texture debate, but to answer your question...plenty of women do create these hair styles without relaxers...If you're asking about me, specifically, I relax my hair because it's very thick and it's much easier (for me) to work with. Now, I don't "need" a relaxer, but I don't feel pressured to stop relaxing...I likely will when I get ready. I'm thinking about stretching my relaxer for a year instead of my normal 6 months to get to know my natural hair texture better.

 

[Solitude]

There's lots of studies on the importance of black children having black dolls.

And there are studies on how many black children prefer white dolls.

The dolls are a symbol of internalized racism, not the source.

 

[lovely_locks]

the skin color of dolls never fazed me. I had black, white, asian, native american, indian, etc. I really just baught barbies's for their cloths lol! I never looked at color just outfits Even when it came to cabage patch dolls, I always got the red head with freckles. Not cause she was white but becuase freckles and red hair was just cute to me. Even with my boys they don't see color. They both got little santa's for Christmas, and one of my boy's picked out a black santa and the other picked out a white one. The only reason they picked out two different santas is because my older loves the color red, and the other blue and one of the sant's had a blue outfit, the other red. But I do understand that little girls want dolls that look like them too. But where most black girls where their hair straight that's the kind of hair most barbie dolls are going to have. And I had a friend who got offended when a doll came out that had afro-textured hair saying it was racist??? People are going to complain regardless.

 

[kaykaybobay]

There's lots of studies on the importance of black children having black dolls.

And there are studies on how many black children prefer white dolls.

I had no opinion thinking back I was glad to have a doll - family often had no money no food so getting any doll was fine by me. I didn't go say Ma I want a white doll only. Family members really didnt point out differences either - I think a strong basis kept me level headed and comfortable with myself.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I remember my mom got heated wih me when I said I wanted hair like my friend Jaimie. Her hair was long and blond, but what my mom failed to realize is that I only waned hair like Jaimes because she could wash her hair everyday, go swimming without a swim cap, and not endure 5 hour detangling sessions and tight ponytails I was told that I couldnt go swimming half the time because my hair just got done

 

[sj73]

It requires a lot of effort to make a young girl feel good about her hair. I'm relaxed, yes, but my daughters STILL like their kinky hair. I've flat-ironed their hair before. They requested it. However, after a couple of days, they were BEGGING for their braids and twists back. They do this about twice a year (ask for straightening and then get tired of it after a day or two). When this happen, I quickly point out how versatile their hair is (they can wear it straight if they want to or they can wear curls, twists, and braids if they want to).

Believe it or not, the white girls in their class adores their hair. I chaperoned a field trip and the girls were fascinated with their beads and one white girls asked me if I would braid hers. When this happened, I talked about it over dinner with my daughters. They said they knew their friends liked their braids.

One thing I always mention often to them is how beautiful their hair is...I even mention that I wish my hair was like theirs (I haven't told them that I relax my hair...they are only 7 years old, so I find it beneficial NOT to talk about relaxers, chemicals, etc. right now). They have shown no interest in why my hair is straight all the time.

Whenever I see a beautiful brown skin girl on TV, I always say "her hair is so beautiful just like yours." I know it's rare to see, but the children's channels DO show african-americans with natural hair. It's not uncommon for my girls to ask me to style their braids like Iridessa (fairy) or wear an afro puff like Princess Tiara.

 

[Lovelylocs]

The dolls are a symbol of internalized racism, not the source.

I never said they were the source. Where are you getting that from? I said there were studies on the importance of black girls having black dolls. It is important to provide your black child with positive images of black women. What are we saying to our children when most of the images of beautiful women that we show them are not black women?