I think my Mother-In-Law is trying to move in with us... (Long Post)

[LucieLoo12]

Don't do it unless it's a necessity. Me an DH talked about this before we got married. I said no family moves in unless they house burned down or they are deathly ill. I'm not trying to be mean but things like this can destroy marriages. My sister was engaged and her MIL came in moved and engagement was called off a couple of months after that. MIL was trying to be queen in the house and her FH was not putting his foot down. Ended a 6 year relationship.

Dh mother is about to have a surgery next week, he mention her coming down to stay with us to recover. I said no. (It's a minor surgery ) She has a whole husband and a whole house. We can go down there for a few days and help her. I love his mama but she can be passive aggressive and I ain't got time for that.

 

[werenumber2]

I'm Luo from Kenya. It applies to all parents-in law regardless of the circumstances. Single Parent or not, she is still the MIL. The fact that she did not marry his father or his father passed away, does not stop her from being his mother. She'll be his mother till the day she draws her last breathe so in-law rules apply.

Ah I was referring more to your comment about it being culturally improper for multiple couples to live under the same roof (in essence your parents, his parents, or one of your adult children and their spouse, etc living with you and your husband).

I wanted to know if that rule also applied if say, one of your parents or one of his parents were single (either never married, divorced, or widowed) and wanted to live with you.

 

[okange76]

Ah I was referring more to your comment about it being culturally improper for multiple couples to live under the same roof (in essence your parents, his parents, or one of your adult children and their spouse, etc living with you and your husband).

I wanted to know if that rule also applied if say, one of your parents or one of his parents were single (either never married, divorced, or widowed) and wanted to live with you.

Unfortunately In-Laws don't have the luxury of wanting to live with you. It is just not done. Let me give you an example in my family.

When the 4 of us 5 kids emigrated to the US, my parents downsized, rented the family home and purchase a tiny two bedroom house. They eventually emigrated a few years later. My older brother was studying abroad and moved back home after we had left. He moved into the tiny house in order to get back on his feet. He was supposed to move out but got comfortable living rent free. He eventually got married. My parents have never spent another night in that house after he got married. They used to when he was single. They still own the house but can't live in it or even spend a night there.

If he decides to move out in the future, my parents still can't live in the home. Any one of my other brothers can move in with their wives. It has never occurred to me to question why because it is all I have ever known and it just works.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

Does she stay with her children rent-free?

Does she help out monetarily in any way?

I'm wondering why someone would want to live with their adult children and not want their own life/ space ?

Also wonder why she doesn't feel this is an intrusion on her children's lives?

We all love our mothers, but who wants them around 24/7?

My mom is the opposite, she barely sits for my brother..lol...he has 2 small children, she is always travelling. My brother complains all the time.

 

[PureSilver]

Does she stay with her children rent-free?

Does she help out monetarily in any way?

I'm wondering why someone would want to live with their adult children and not want their own life/ space ?

Also wonder why she doesn't feel this is an intrusion on her children's lives?

We all love our mothers, but who wants them around 24/7?

My mom is the opposite, she barley sits for my brother..lol...he has 2 small children, she is always travelling. My brother complains all the time.

because alot of mothers' especially the ones who have boys feel like they own every everything about their child/children. Its a sense of entitlement many give to themselves, they don't know their place and space.

 

[Farida]

okange76 - Wow, I'm curious as to what culture you belong to. Does the rule only apply to your parents or in-laws (since you specifically mentioned there should only be one adult couple) or does that also include a single parent moving in with a child and their spouse?

I'm Luo from Kenya. It applies to all parents-in law regardless of the circumstances. Single Parent or not, she is still the MIL. The fact that she did not marry his father or his father passed away, does not stop her from being his mother. She'll be his mother till the day she draws her last breathe so in-law rules apply.

Although some people allow it, it is frowned upon in my culture as well. I remember years ago my grandma would come stay with us and even though my dad had been dead for decades she never set foot in my mom's room. I found it so weird but my mom told me it is because she is never to enter the marital fold. I remember she needed to use the phone in there and I had to pull the phone cord all the way to the door and my grandma was kneeling outside the door to reach the phone because she refused to set a finger past the doorway. So imagine how she would'v been if my dad were around. She would prob never get past our front door.

 

[PureSilver]

Although some people allow it, it is frowned upon in my culture as well. I remember years ago my grandma would come stay with us and even though my dad had been dead for decades she never set foot in my mom's room. I found it so weird but my mom told me it is because she is never to enter the marital fold. I remember she needed to use the phone in there and I had to pull the phone cord all the way to the door and my grandma was kneeling outside the door to reach the phone because she refused to set a finger past the doorway. So imagine how she would'v been if my dad were around. She would prob never get past our front door.

i wish more cultures would practice this, life would be soooooo much better for plenty of married folks, women especially.

 

[CHI10]

don't do it! my MIL tried that and my husband was like, "nope"...and he is an only child... marriage is very delicate...no one should come between that

 

[nyeredzi]

I'm Luo from Kenya. It applies to all parents-in law regardless of the circumstances. Single Parent or not, she is still the MIL. The fact that she did not marry his father or his father passed away, does not stop her from being his mother. She'll be his mother till the day she draws her last breathe so in-law rules apply.

Does anyone live with/take care of an old sick parent?


For the OP, it's rough, because I could understand if she were really old or really sick. But she's been doing this for 10 years, women normally live until their 80s, that's 30 years her adult children have to live with her and take care of her. Too long! I fear for you OP, because it sounds like your DH doesn't have the will to say no on this to his mother.

 

[okange76]

Does anyone live with/take care of an old sick parent?

Yes. When our parents retire, they usually move back to the ancestral homes i.e the village and there is always someone there to look after them. It's usually one of the women born in or married in that village e.g a DIL or nephew's wife or granddaughters who live in the same village. Your role is to visit often and send money for upkeep if your parents have no retirement funds. If they have to see a specialist, they are taken to the nearest major hospital by a family member so long as you send the money.

For the wealthier people in the major cities, most of their homes have separate quarters built away from the main house. The domestic help live in one side and the extra rooms are guest rooms where you parents or other guests can stay when they visit.

 

[PrissandPrim]

So we took DH's mom and sister to see the house on Christmas. Randomly his sister mentions that we should put a pull out couch in the office "just in case" we have guest. I gave her the biggest side eye. The more I think about it the more adamant I become about her not moving in.

 

[Babysaffy]

Does she stay with her children rent-free?


My mom is the opposite, she barely sits for my brother..lol...he has 2 small children, she is always travelling. My brother complains all the time.

That made me smile- that's gonna be me! It's a long way away (DD is 15 and DS 4) but I don't plan to be looking after grandchildren- I want to travel! Especially as I had DD in my early twenties. I warn her all the time that I won't be free childcare lol

OP, I implore you not to let it happen!! You will need time and space to bond with your baby and re-relate to your hubby as a co parent. Be strong and try not to stress about it.

 

[MamaBear2012]

Did you all talk about this before you got married, OP? You said she lived with DH on three occasions prior to your marriage, so you knew her game. I ask because I have an annoying/manipulative MIL and I saw this from the jump. Our deal was we visit her or she visits us ONE time per year.

She still tried to impose when I was pregnant and bought airline tickets, but no hotel room, to come out when I specifically told DH that I wanted the first few weeks alone (I made a post in the pregnancy forum). DH and his momma probably learned the biggest lesson about me during that time. I was pissed and told DH that after the baby was born I'd be going straight from the hospital to my parents home and he and his mother and father could spend all of the time that they wanted spending time together, but under no circumstances was this scenario going to play out differently than I said.

ETA: I guess I should finish the story. DH got his act together. He will still mention that time as a time when he really messed up. But it was only because I put my foot down so that they (DH included) knew what I would accept and would not. In the end, my in-laws got a hotel room about 20 minutes away. They'd call daily to see when they could come over, and they'd bring food and stay between 30 minutes to an hour. I started to soften as the days went on because everyone was on the same page, but "you teach people how to treat you" is so true. I'm still not a fan of my MIL, but she'll never pull something that stupid with me again.

 

[FelaShrine]

^Good one

 

[newnyer]

She needs some friends/community ties outside of the family.
Right now it sounds like she's dependent on her family and that's all she knows. She's in her comfort zone. Not to sound rude, but she needs a life. I'd try to encourage her to go to some retirement community activities, meet some folks, etc. Maybe then she'd be more open to living on her own instead of being all up under her children 24/7.

 

[ang3lface816]

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