I think my Mother-In-Law is trying to move in with us... (Long Post)

[PrissandPrim]

Since DH's mother divorced his father (who's now deceased) 10yrs ago and retired she has bounced around living with each of her children. As far as I know she has lived with DH on three separate occasions for extended periods. She is in her 60's, in good health, has her own car and can pretty much take care of herself. Her children have tried to discuss helping her get her own place but she avoids the subject and refuses to share how much money she's receiving from social security.

Currently she is living with one of her daughters and grandchild in a one bedroom apartment. The daughter has recently been talking about moving her boyfriend in and telling DH's mom that she needs to find other living arrangements. Yesterday DH's mother called him complaining about the boyfriend moving in and how they can't all stay in a one bedroom.

DH and I are newlyweds and in the process of buying a new home. I recently found out that I'm pregnant so lately I've been apprehensive about all the big changes happening in our life. We currently also live in a one bedroom but will be moving into a two bedroom house with a small bonus office/room.

I'm pretty certain that his mom will try to move in with us and especially because we have a baby on the way I know that her angle will be to watch the baby. I have considered this being one plus in her living with us but I honestly don't think the trade off is worth it.

I do not hate my mother in law but she has a very strong personality and can be controlling . I can foresee this being a problem with us living under the same roof especially with us trying to get settled into our new life together.

I have brought this up with DH and he agreed that more than likely she will try to do this. At this point in time it seems like DH is on board with not having her move in with us but I know his mom has a way of getting in his head.


Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Am I being insensitive? Any advice is appreciated....

 

[Naveah2050]

I am sadly your DH in this situation - that is why I don't have no babies because I know that's her way in...

 

[Foxglove]

She will need to hear it from your husband or else she's going to make you out to be the bad guy. He needs to stand strong and reinforce that you guys will need your own space since your family is growing

 

[hopeful]

I wish I could be helpful but Foxglove said it in a nutshell. The two of you gotta be a unit and he gotta stand strong for the both of you. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but try your best to focus on the good and not worry too much. Congratulations on your marriage, new house, and pregnancy too , you deserve to enjoy all of these blessings.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

You said she is trying to move in. How so? Did she approach you and your DH or are you anticipating it?

If you are anticipating it, then you need to tell your husband under any circumstances, you do not want her living with you guys. Plain and simple.

There's really nothing to discuss. If she uses the baby as an in, the answer is still no. She can visit, but live in? Your life will be hell. Recommend some assisted living apartments and give her some apartment guides to look at.

 

[hothair]

Is she "African" you better turn that room into a nursery with a cot and NO extra beds or pull put from the get go. Bring in your own relative/friend for a period if it seems she's wearing your DH down.

I sympathise greatly, some mothers in laws.... You need all the poom poom power to keep Dh on lock and more scared/worried about your reaction (and his happiness) or else you have a squatter for life.

 

[PrissandPrim]

You said she is trying to move in. How so? Did she approach you and your DH or are you anticipating it?

If you are anticipating it, then you need to tell your husband under any circumstances, you do not want her living with you guys. Plain and simple.

There's really nothing to discuss. If she uses the baby as an in, the answer is still no. She can visit, but live in? Your life will be hell. Recommend some assisted living apartments and give her some apartment guides to look at.

More so anticipating it. Being that she has avoided finding her own place and has started calling DH complaining about the living situation.
She has asked and stayed with DH (before we were together) three separate times for extended periods... she's been sleeping on her daughters couch for the past year I don't think she would have any problem asking to move in with us.

Is she "African" you better turn that room into a nursery with a cot and NO extra beds or pull put from the get go. Bring in your own relative/friend for a period if it seems she's wearing your DH down.

I sympathise greatly, some mothers in laws.... You need all the poom poom power to keep Dh on lock and more scared/worried about your reaction (and his happiness) or else you have a squatter for life.

Thing is I think if she had to she would be just fine on our couch or a cot...

She is Caribbean and apparently this is common. DH said his grandmother did the same thing (bounced from house to house) up until she died.

 

[Naveah2050]

More so anticipating it. She has asked and stayed with DH (before we were together) three separate times for extended periods... she's been sleeping on her daughters couch for the past year I don't think she would have any problem asking to move in with us. She is Caribbean and apparently this is common. DH said his grandmother did the same thing (bounced from house to house) up until she died.

She's not that old though! If she is in her early 60's that's potentially 30 years of living with your manipulative MIL topped off with potentially having to care for her in her later years. Nah son at most I would suggest the siblings band together to raise enough to provide her with a nice little rented place of her own and if the worst comes to worse you can use her for cheap child care.

 

[PrissandPrim]

She's not that old though! If she is in her early 60's that's potentially 30 years of living with your manipulative MIL topped off with potentially having to care for her in her later years. Nah son at most I would suggest the siblings band together to raise enough to provide her with a nice little rented place of her own and if the worst comes to worse you can use her for cheap child care.

That's the thing I want to drive home to DH, this is not a temporary fix...we would possibly be taking on a long term commitment. Heaven forbid, what if DH passed away while she's staying with us, I can't honestly see her other kids stepping up to the plate...they are pretty cold towards her.

 

[Naveah2050]

That's the thing I want to drive home to DH, this is not a temporary fix...we would possibly be taking on a long term commitment. Heaven forbid, what if DH passed away while she's staying with us, I can't honestly see her other kids stepping up to the plate...they are pretty cold towards her.

Honestly I would not entertain it in the least - it's foolhardy to take on someone that doesn't even have a home to go back to in case she annoys you and you need to kick her out - 60 is young, in some countries women legally have to work till they are 65 - there is no reason why she needs to move in with you at this stage of her life journey - non whatsoever.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I lived with my MIL for a year and a half. it was absolute Hell. I should have pushed for another solution in my case but I sucked it up. Her own daughter said no, Smh. Longest 18 months of my life.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

I'm African so this kind of living arrangement is normal. Unless my future husband's mom didn't like me, then I would be indifferent. Free childcare for me!

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I didn't think it was that strange until you mentioned her moving from child to child, sleeping on couches, and hiding those SS checks. Does she just not want to live alone? That's what roommates are for ...

 

[nlamr2013]

She may be apprehensive about living alone she probably got married fairly young and moved straight from her family home t living with a husband and children up until 10 years ago when she began to jump houses.
On one hand I hate roommates or guests but couldn't see saying no if she clearly is against living alone

 

[GetHappy2014]

Discuss with DH a serious game plan before SHE broaches the subject. Try to appear as loving as you possibly can to DH as you tell him under no circumstances will she move in.
1. Discuss whether his siblings would be willing to pitch in to offset the cost of a nice retired community.
2. If the affordability of option 1 is possible...YOU start looking around for a nice retirement community. Get brochures of the best ones.
3. Make sure you time it just right..when it seems that she is hinting about moving in. Have DH present her with her living options. Make sure he doesn't forget to mention the wonderful contribution all of her wonderful children are wiling to make.

 

[Nyssa28]

She should probably look into a retirement community. If she can afford it,that might be her best option.

 

[PrissandPrim]

Discuss with DH a serious game plan before SHE broaches the subject. Try to appear as loving as you possibly can to DH as you tell him under no circumstances will she move in.
1. Discuss whether his siblings would be willing to pitch in to offset the cost of a nice retired community.
2. If the affordability of option 1 is possible...YOU start looking around for a nice retirement community. Get brochures of the best ones.
3. Make sure you time it just right..when it seems that she is hinting about moving in. Have DH present her with her living options. Make sure he doesn't forget to mention the wonderful contribution all of her wonderful children are wiling to make.

She should probably look into a retirement community. If she can afford it,that might be her best option.

I have talked to DH about all of this but his thing is how do you force someone to consider it when their not even open to discussing the topic.
DH keeps saying that it is a "delicate issue" and we have to take her feelings into consideration. Although I understand this, I still feel like his mom is a grown adult and can't just go around bouncing from house to house just to avoid being alone..that just doesn't seems like a solution to me.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

She's bounced around from house to house for 10 years? I agree, she may not like the idea of living alone.

I don't recommend having your controlling MIL move in since you're newlyweds. If you don't want her living with you, you need to express it to your husband that under no circumstances will you allow his mom to live with you. He needs to be on board and present a united front. Otherwise you will be the bad guy in her eyes.

 

[firecracker]

I would just be the bad guy because it's too early in your marriage for alladat. Your MIL could quite possibly be the cause of lots of unnecessary problems in your lives at a very delicate stage in your marriage. I wouldn't take that risk especially with her history. Put your foot down now because that lazy woman is trying to worm her way in already. She knows you guys are about to move into a larger space and she will not be leaving once she gets in there.

 

[DeepBluSea]

Is he an only son?

Is this common in their culture?

If answer is yes to both, you may need to consider buying a home with an in law suite.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

You must protect your private home. You, your husband, and future child are NOT her family. This is a separate family joined by someone who happened to be her son. Her beliefs are problems that can hurt YOUR family. She needs to stop thinking that her children's households are somehow a part of her family unit. Yes some cultures have more than one family unit in one household but that was a choice. She needs to stop interfering with her children's lives.

 

[PrissandPrim]

Is he an only son?

Is this common in their culture?

If answer is yes to both, you may need to consider buying a home with an in law suite.

No, but he's the only one that lives in the same state as her. She was suppose to retire in her native country with one of her other sons but she does not get along with his live in girlfriend.

It seems like it's pretty common in their culture, DH said that his grandmother pretty much did the same thing until she passed.

 

[okange76]

Don't do it. She will upset the equilibrium in your home. There cannot be two grown women living in one household. There is also a reason why polygamous men have separate homes for their wives otherwise it turns into a huge battle ground for attention and affection.

I'm grateful that in my culture it is not allowed under any circumstances. The marital home is sacred and only one adult couple can occupy the home at a time. It also boils down to privacy. It is an abomination if your In-laws hear you having sex or accidentally see you naked. All the people I know who ignored the above are complaining bitterly for lack of privacy and competition for affection.

 

[bebezazueta]

Newlyweds and new baby is a lot in itself. Adding a controlling mother in law will definitely complicate things even more.

OP my advice is different but can be effective. Have mind blowing sex in the living room, kitchen and other places other than the bedroom in your house and then tell DH too bad we can't do this once your mom moves in. LOL! Kidding not kidding

 

[PrissandPrim]

Newlyweds and new baby is a lot in itself. Adding a controlling mother in law will definitely complicate things even more.

OP my advice is different but can be effective. Have mind blowing sex in the living room, kitchen and other places other than the bedroom in your house and then tell DH too bad we can't do this once your mom moves in. LOL! Kidding not kidding

Good one!

 

[werenumber2]

I'm grateful that in my culture it is not allowed under any circumstances. The marital home is sacred and only one adult couple can occupy the home at a time. It also boils down to privacy. It is an abomination if your In-laws hear you having sex or accidentally see you naked. All the people I know who ignored the above are complaining bitterly for lack of privacy and competition for affection.

okange76 - Wow, I'm curious as to what culture you belong to. Does the rule only apply to your parents or in-laws (since you specifically mentioned there should only be one adult couple) or does that also include a single parent moving in with a child and their spouse?

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Ten years is a long time to be homeless. Delicate isn't the word for it, her kids are some enablers.

 

[FemmeFatale]

More so anticipating it. Being that she has avoided finding her own place and has started calling DH complaining about the living situation.
She has asked and stayed with DH (before we were together) three separate times for extended periods... she's been sleeping on her daughters couch for the past year I don't think she would have any problem asking to move in with us.




Thing is I think if she had to she would be just fine on our couch or a cot...

She is Caribbean and apparently this is common. DH said his grandmother did the same thing (bounced from house to house) up until she died.

My only surviving grandparent (grandma) does this, she rotates between my parents, my aunt in NJ, My aunt in Montreal and Haiti.

 

[okange76]

okange76 - Wow, I'm curious as to what culture you belong to. Does the rule only apply to your parents or in-laws (since you specifically mentioned there should only be one adult couple) or does that also include a single parent moving in with a child and their spouse?

I'm Luo from Kenya. It applies to all parents-in law regardless of the circumstances. Single Parent or not, she is still the MIL. The fact that she did not marry his father or his father passed away, does not stop her from being his mother. She'll be his mother till the day she draws her last breathe so in-law rules apply.

 

[hopeful]

I'm Luo from Kenya. It applies to all parents-in law regardless of the circumstances. Single Parent or not, she is still the MIL. The fact that she did not marry his father or his father passed away, does not stop her from being his mother. She'll be his mother till the day she draws her last breathe so in-law rules apply.

Looks like his parents were married but were divorced and then the father passed away. Thank you for sharing your culture's view on the matter. I think that is very wise. A simple rule or understanding like this would be really helpful to the OP. I think a matter like this needs to be addressed prior to marriage too.