I think Arguing is healthy

[itismehmmkay]

He doesn't.

I don't always express my thoughts to everyone, so a secure relationship is one where I feel that I can do so.

At the same time, I do know that I pick my battles, but he seems to get extra pissed and takes it personal if I happen to disagree w/ him. Then, when I'm basically done w/ the convo, he likes to go on and on about how we didn't even have to have the convo in the first place. And I'm like, so why are we even discussing this extended version?

I'm starting to believe that he really just likes to say whatever he wants, but I can't say ****. It may not be that crucial, but it's coming across that way.

So, am I trippin? Should I just bite my tongue and play the Dumb Fox (from WMLB) and call it a day? Or any suggestions as to how we can improve our communication style?

 

[Lucie]

I think he needs to understand that disagreeing with him does not equal disliking him. Some people take that stuff personally and it need not be. You can respectfully agree to disagree without taking it one step further. Or you can find a happy medium without anyone having to "lose." Disagreements are not about I'm right, you're wrong. Who feels good about that?

Also, it is good to occasionally argue. It is better to get things out on the table and addressing how to resolve the issue rather then letting it fester. Which will happen if a problem is not resolved properly. Arguing actually makes the relationship stronger because if everything is always peachy keen what happens when something rocks it? Are the two people involved going to split?

What was his childhood like? Sometimes when a child gets criticized for every little thing they do in an unconstructive fashion, they take disagreement as an adult as a personal attack of their character. I used to be like that. Thankfully my husband showed me the difference and I am not so sensitive in that department anymore.

I hope this helps sweetie. Be blessed!

 

[dlewis]

I think talking is heathly. Arguing is not.

I remember when I first got with my husband and I was quick to argue because that all I knew and that's what I was familar with. I'm so thankful I'm not that person anymore. My communication style has improved 1000%. I believe there is a way at say anything and it can be just as effective without arguing and cause stife in your relationship. I've also learned that I get more from my husband being nice.

Example:

trash
Old dlewis: You never do what you say, why is this trash still here and I asked you to empty it this morning? I have to do everything, you make me sick with this sith.

and then we both end up angry

new dlewis: Oh, I know you must a forgotten that I asked you to empty the trash. Could you get that done now Sweetie. Once he does it, I say Wow, you're the best.

He's happy and smiling and I got him to do what I wanted him to.

ETA that's not to say we not disagree. But you can disagree without arguing. I refuse to argue with anyone.

 

[Lucie]

I think talking is heathly. Arguing is not.

I remember when I first got with my husband and I was quick to argue because that all I knew and that's what I was familar with. I'm so thankful I'm not that person anymore. My communication style has improved 1000%. I believe there is a way at say anything and it can be just as effective without arguing and cause stife in your relationship. I've also learned that I get more from my husband being nice.

Example:

trash
Old dlewis: You never do what you say, why is this trash still here and I asked you to empty it this morning? I have to do everything, you make me sick with this sith.

and then we both end up angry

new dlewis: Oh, I know you must a forgotten that I asked you to empty the trash. Could you get that done now Sweetie. Once he does it, I say Wow, you're the best.

He's happy and smiling and I got him to do what I wanted him to.

ETA that's not to say we not disagree. But you can disagree without arguing. I refuse to argue with anyone.

You're right. I should have been more clear in my thread.

 

[**SaSSy**]

I use to love to argue, now I'm like F it! I'm getting to old for it anymore!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I think talking is heathly. Arguing is not.

My sentiments exactly. Arguing is not healthy, but a healthy disagreement is. OP, I understand what you're saying about disagreements though because I do think disagreements present an opportunity for two people to bridge the gap between their differences and grow closer. It's an opportunity to create a more authentic bond, and I definitely think it contributes to the level of safety in the relationship.

There's nothing wrong with disagreeing, but there's a healthy and constructive way to express a viewpoint that differs from that of the SO. Anytime people have to resort to name-calling, raising their voices, implying that the other person is wrong/less intelligent, it easily gets out of hand.

From my experiences, generally speaking, men like to avoid conflict/arguments at all costs, and they often get resentful and frustrated at being dragged into heated discussions and arguments against their wishes. The best way I've found to handle this is to bring to his attention that I have a concern or something I want to discuss instead of attacking him or backing him into a conversational corner.

I don't think you should bite your tongue and play dumb, but I do think you should find faciliatative ways to get your communication needs met. Also, don't forget the importance of understanding before being understood. When you speak to him, consider how you would feel if he said something identical to you. This has helped me tremendously in learning how to use the correct attitude and tone when I'm speaking.

Also, before you address an issue, ask yourself, "Is this the hill upon which I wish to die?" meaning "Am I willing to end this relationship if I don't get my way?" If the answer is no, then consider letting it go or being very compromise-minded in your approach to addressing it.

Good luck!

 

[itismehmmkay]

Thanks ladies
I'm understanding the points that you've made and I guess......::::sigh::::....we'll try this again

 

[SoSweet08]

I use to think arguing was healthy. Me and my ex never use to argue but, I always thought we was supppose to (i dunno) so the arguments started coming in and gave my relationship a bad turn. That's the main reason for my break up.

 

[dlewis]

I use to think arguing was healthy. Me and my ex never use to argue but, I always thought we was supppose to (i dunno) so the arguments started coming in and gave my relationship a bad turn. That's the main reason for my break up.

I was taught that arguing was healthy. And is NEEDED for a successful relationship. BUT I don't know anyone with a successful relationship.erplexed So I/we had to rethink that. I had to rethink and pray about alot of what I was taught about marriage. If I had listen to them I would be divorced or be stuck in a very unhappy marriage.

 

[Farida]

i guess it is a difference of terms. Arguing is healthy, Quarreling is not.

Arguing is when you both calmly and logically put forth your feelings and ideas and have open discourse.

Quarreling is when you yell or just disparage and belittle each other.

Of course you have to pick your battles. Like dlewis posted, if he forgets to take out the trash, calmly remind him. Is that really a hill you want to die on?
You always have to ask yourself how worthwhile an issue is before you get all into it.