I know what you're feeling, trust me I do. When my mother was pregnant with me she had complications; one time she was bleeding while pregnant and thank god all was okay. But when I was born, some of the cells that would complete my left hand/arm were destroyed from her bleeding episode and as a result I was born with a condition called Ulnar Club Hand (google it). My parents didn't care about that, especially my mother - my half brother (she was married once before my father) is autistic and has severe mental retardation. She was just glad that I didn't turn out autistic as well.
Growing up as a child I really didn't care about it and neither did the people around me but growing into the teenage years where you have peers and are looking to 'impress' people and be apart of the crowd it starts to get to you. I would wear long sleeve shirts alllllllll year round and would ALWAYS keep my hand in my pocket because I didn't want people to ask questions or point/stare. I had very low self-esteem and thought that no one would want to be with me, who would want to marry me? Who would be proud to walk down the street with me when I wasn't even proud enough of myself?
Girl, when I tell you that I had relationships with people, I wouldn't even let THEM know. And if I was intimate with any of them, please... Lights better be off and completely dark! I managed to 'hide' this for some 17 years or so. Some would find out and surprisingly to me, they didn't think any less of me, or so they would say - but in the back of my mind, I'd always wonder what they're REALLY thinking. I have some friends who I've had for years now that know that I have a "difference", but I've never even shown them. That's how bad the insecurity is.
Well, I met a wonderful man back in November of 2006. We met at a club which isn't the "ideal" place, but we called each other, and eventually started dating. When it was time for us to become more intimate, I tried so so had to hide my imperfection - I mean this man was fine beyond fine and so great to me and I didn't want that to change. One time when we were finished he went to hold me and touched my arm, mannnn I couldn't pull away fast enough! He turned on the lights, was surprised, and then we talked about it for some 2 hours. He ended the conversation with something along the lines of "That doesn't make you who you are." In the back of my mind, I thought - "Okay, we'll break up any day now..."
Fast forward to a year later, and he proposed to me on November 17th. We're getting married and you want to know something funny? The thing that I thought made me such an unattractive person or so unwanted, is the one thing that he adores most about me. I still habitually sometimes hide my arm or hand, and I wear my engagement ring on my right hand rather than my left, but when he sees me getting shy or reserved - he grabs my hand kisses it and smiles at me and tells me how beautiful I am.
Believe me, I know what it feels like to wonder if there's someone out there who will love you for your good qualities as well as your imperfections. If you're anything like me, maybe sometimes you've asked God why you and not someone else. But you know what? It may make you different physically, but inside you're still a beautiful person, and it takes the right guy to make YOU realize that as well. Some people can be a$$holes, trust me I know. But in time, and believe me when I say this, there will be that guy who comes into your life and looks at you the way my SO looks at me and says to you "You're beautiful and I love you, no matter what."
I'm not one to really talk about these things especially not in public or with just anyone, but I can really feel your pain because I've been there, and I just wanted to be one of those people who shows you that it is possible and that no matter what, whether you have OI or I have a UCH, you are a beautiful woman and one day, you'll find a beautiful man who thinks that very same thing.
God Bless you.