I really can't tolerate this b**** (his mother)

[MzLady78]

Sorry, I don't agree with the whole smile and keep it moving suggestions in this situation.

This is his mother, not some distant relative that she can forget exists. She is going to have to be around this woman if she's gonna be in this relationship and there's only but so much a person can/should take. No one should have to tolerate disrespect just because it's somebody's mama, screw all that.

When he's in a better place mentally, you need to let him know that he HAS to really discuss this with her. Not some half-a**** remark when she says something to you, but a sit down, straight forward conversation.

If things don't improve, yeah, you might have to tell her about herself. It will be unfortunate, but at least it would have been a last resort.

 

[Mortons]

I'm still waiting to read what she has done that is so bad. I see that she disagrees with you a lot, smile, nod, and keep it moving. And she may have a problem with letting her son go but A) You are not engaged or married so aint too much letting go B) She cant stop him from going anywhere if he so chooses. Other than that what is the issue with her?

 

[curlcomplexity]

You wouldn't be going there to deal with her, you would be going to support your SO. I would go, if he asked you to be there he probably needs your support.

Now if she tries you....which I hope that she would have the common decency NOT to do being that a relative of her's just passed away...put that mess on the back burner and be the bigger woman.

Good luck to you, I understand where you're coming from...my SO's mother can be a pain also.

 

[MissYocairis]

Obviously, if she is making these kind of comments at the grandfathers' repast then she must be having an attachment to her son and feel threatened by your relationship. With that said, I couldn't imagine myself arguing with my SO/DH parents. Elder people can say or do things to make us angry/upset but I would never argue with them. There is a way to be respectful and keep your distance.

I appreciate your trying to say hello and KIM but I think the I will punch her in the eye in HER house says a lot. I would hope my DH or any guy that I ever dated would ever feel comfortable enough to even think they would hit my dad(i.e. black his eye) or disrespect my mom. If so, our relationship may be in serious question. IMO, this speaks volumes.

ITA. I made the mistake of marrying a man who HATED my father. I mean, it was an irrational, deep-seated resentment and it really manifested itself in his absolute refusal to respect my father as his elder. (it was because my father called him on the carpet when we got engaged just to see where his head was at) Anyway...exH could not stomach my father because he felt "disrespected" by him. Interesting thing is, my father has never met a stranger and is one of the coolest men walking...he pretty much likes and respects everyone...but exH couldn't pass his test...and it always stuck in his craw.

I'm saying all that to say, your story reminds me of that. I don't see any of the obligatory "respect your elders" "respect your SO's family" kind of sentiment in your OP. I think you might want to try and figure out where your hatred of her is really coming from because it may not be her. Your response to her seems extreme.

PLUS...if she's going to her father's funeral...I cannot imagine why you would be concerned about getting along with her. Your main focus should be on being a source of comfort and support for your SO and for her if she needs it.

 

[daydreem2876]

Sorry, I don't agree with the whole smile and keep it moving suggestions in this situation.

This is his mother, not some distant relative that she can forget exists. She is going to have to be around this woman if she's gonna be in this relationship and there's only but so much a person can/should take. No one should have to tolerate disrespect just because it's somebody's mama, screw all that.

When he's in a better place mentally, you need to let him know that he HAS to really discuss this with her. Not some half-a**** remark when she says something to you, but a sit down, straight forward conversation.

If things don't improve, yeah, you might have to tell her about herself. It will be unfortunate, but at least it would have been a last resort.

I understand what you are saying, but in my situation that just added fuel to the fire. She got more mean, evil, and underhanded and I did not need the extra drama. She could not stand me, I could not stand her, we knew where we stood, so I smiled and KIM.

 

[KPH]

I've gone through that, and her name is Brenda. UGH, that woman was just ridiculous. I would pray for control because there were times I wanted to stomp a hole in her throat. She wanted him with another chick. She would always call the girl over the take her to the store and everything. I left him alone because it was just sad to see a grown women talk crap everytime she saw me. Well, he got with the chick, moved in with her, made a baby, and then the chick tossed him out. Well, we all end up at the same picnic, he and his momma looking stupid. Both trying to speak, ME, acting like I lost my hearing so they ended up talking to my mother. Ms. Brenda explains she always like me and whatnot, I politely told her "talking to my mother will never make me forget the way you treated me. Now, you are lonely and so is your stupid looking son."

 

[dlewis]

Oh my. I agree with Mzlady. Having to deal with an evil MIL to nothing I would wish on anyone. But I will say this, she's not your MIL yet. I would NOT marrying a man (now that I know better) and I didn't get along with his mother. Families are important, children should never have to defend their parent against grandparent or vise versa. Men shouldn't have to choose between mother and wife.

And I am so serious when I say this...end this relationship NOW, or you will me in for a lifetime of heartache.

 

[LBoogie]

'

No one is "refined" when they are ticked off or feel like they're being harrassed cos some women have a problem with letting their sons go.

That's false.

 

[MzLady78]

I understand what you are saying, but in my situation that just added fuel to the fire. She got more mean, evil, and underhanded and I did not need the extra drama. She could not stand me, I could not stand her, we knew where we stood, so I smiled and KIM.

I hear you.

If the both of you have this unspoken agreement that you simply won't deal with or speak to each other, that's one thing.

But I'm not gonna put up with you constantly coming out your mouth to me, I don't care who you are.

I'm all for respecting elders and respecting folk's mamas but it's a 2 way street. There has to be some reciprocity.

 

[MzLady78]

Oh my. I agree with Mzlady. Having to deal with an evil MIL to nothing I would wish on anyone. But I will say this, she's not your MIL yet. I would NOT marrying a man (now that I know better) and I didn't get along with his mother. Families are important, children should never have to defend their parent against grandparent or vise versa. Men shouldn't have to choose between mother and wife.

And I am so serious when I say this...end this relationship NOW, or you will me in for a lifetime of heartache.

Relationships/marriages are hard enough without having someone that close to the situation making it harder.

 

[mxdchiq86]

she's a ***** because she disagrees with you?

 

[dlewis]

I was telling my husband last week, after someone put a welcoming baby home thingy in the paper with my husband's name and kids name (I believe I know who it is but don't have proof since the moneyorder was sign by dlewiserplexed), that if I even thought for a minute that I would have to deal with issues like this I would have never married him. And even now I wonder if i would be better off divorced.

 

[ThickHair]

You are giving this woman too much control over you. Say hello smile and KIM. Yes, she is going to go at you harder until you stop playing HER game. That is the simple most effective way of dealing with people her. That is a lot of DRAMA over nothing. Grown folks don't play that game.

 

[DragonPearl]

I was telling my husband last week, after someone put a welcoming baby home thingy in the paper with my husband's name and kids name (I believe I know who it is but don't have proof since the moneyorder was sign by dlewiserplexed), that if I even thought for a minute that I would have to deal with issues like this I would have never married him. And even now I wonder if i would be better off divorced.

Darn Dee. That sounds like a psycho. I see why you carry a gun.

 

[LookingandListening]

Oh my. I agree with Mzlady. Having to deal with an evil MIL to nothing I would wish on anyone. But I will say this, she's not your MIL yet. I would NOT marrying a man (now that I know better) and I didn't get along with his mother. Families are important, children should never have to defend their parent against grandparent or vise versa. Men shouldn't have to choose between mother and wife.

And I am so serious when I say this...end this relationship NOW, or you will me in for a lifetime of heartache.

Double, triple thanks for this remark.

 

[mscocoface]

If there can be no reasoning with her and she thinks you have taken her son (twisted I know) Just imagine this behavior for the rest of the time you are with this gentlemen.

Unless you both can get on some type of page where his mother keeps her boundaries and you have little to no contact this is what comes with the package of being with him.

Can you live with this? Can you find another way to deal with her that does not effect your peace of mind? If you two ever become engaged and married with children are you willing to deal with it? These are the questions you must ask yourself.

 

[babyb900]

I've gone through that, and her name is Brenda. UGH, that woman was just ridiculous. I would pray for control because there were times I wanted to stomp a hole in her throat. She wanted him with another chick. She would always call the girl over the take her to the store and everything. I left him alone because it was just sad to see a grown women talk crap everytime she saw me. Well, he got with the chick, moved in with her, made a baby, and then the chick tossed him out. Well, we all end up at the same picnic, he and his momma looking stupid. Both trying to speak, ME, acting like I lost my hearing so they ended up talking to my mother. Ms. Brenda explains she always like me and whatnot, I politely told her "talking to my mother will never make me forget the way you treated me. Now, you are lonely and so is your stupid looking son."

Is it something up with MIL named Brenda???

That's my fiance's mom's name, and I can't stand that woman. She so ugh.

And she spreads her disdain for me through the family. Now his brother and his dad dont like me either, because "I control him, I have some kind of hold on him and I took him away from his family"

No its called love. He loves me, I love him, and we work hard to make our relationship work, but since you all like to meddle in it, we don't tell you anything about it.

People

 

[Bunny77]

I thought you broke up with this dude?

 

[TheNewFine]

I have this little trick I use to cope when I feel like I'm in Jerry Springers waiting room. I put them "on hold" in my head. just like when you call a company and they place you on hold. But I get to choose the music or the stock report jazz whatever. The minute they start talking crazy, I hit the imaginary hold button, girl. So you are only half listening, waiting for the "real" person (conversation) to come back on line. Until then you are really not listening nor would you response because it's just a tape, right, that keeps looping over and over? You've heard her say this stuff before, nothing new, just a different spin. You just think, "oh here we go, and place her "on hold"!

OP, there are people, topics and situations that we already know have the potential for pushing our buttons and we have to prepare ourselves to be around them.(Kids, boss, in-laws, clerk at the store, whatever/whoever anybody talking crazy) Just hit the hold button. When they come back, ("Sorry to keep you waiting") start paying attention again. It works. This is a defense mechanism I use, no one gets hurts and it amuses me to no end!

 

[Avyn]

I have recently learned that I CANNOT allow other people's negativity to knock me off balance. I have been in a similar situation recently and some comments that someone made towards me really, really affected me. I had their voice on blast in my head for several days until I realized that I control my mental space, not them. I simply blocked their words from rehearsing in my head, and stopped practicing my response for when they came at me again. Whenever thoughts of their words and my subsequent response would pop back up, I stopped that scene from replaying and put my mind on something else. It would continue to pop up and I stopped it again. I have had to practice this and I will have to keep practicing this. I would do what TheNewFine says^^^ to keep this person out of my head space, but I had to really take command of my thoughts because that replaying thing I did in my head really drove me to a place of negativity I did not want to be.

This doesn't make up for the fact that you guys will have to work out your differences face to face sooner or later, but at least you won't have the build up of all her negativity on your shoulders when you do come to that point.

 

[MizzBrown]

I'm with DLEWIS.

Will not marry a man or sit around in some long term relationship with one if his momma can't stand me. I can barely hold my tongue sometimes around my own momma so I know I'd want to just cuss his out.

That is a dealbreaker. Why sign up for that?

And if he doesnt chose me over his mother in marriage, then thats a done deal too. You would know this BEFORE yall even tied the knot.

Gettin stressed out over someone elses momma? I'd tell him BYE!

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

Well, it went ok. I decided to let the family go to the burial and I just came over their house afterward. Of course, she had to be her. "Onlyreal family went to the burial today. If you weren't there then you don't mean anything to this family." Or she placed one of their sympathy cards in front of a picture me and my boyfriend took together and said "Oh, that s*** is old, anyway." How juvenile? I couldn't do anything but laugh. I realized something that day. Her boyfriend is also in his forties, but he's known for dating women my age, in their twenties. I didn't know that until yesterday until I heard him and my boyfriend talking. Anyway, I walked in the house and her boyfriend told me that I looked nice and asked me where I was coming from. He has never ever ever been inappropiate toward me, just harmless compliments every blue moon. When he told me I looked nice, I noticed that triggered her rude behavior. She has some issues that's far beyond me, and I won't take them personal anymore. I'm with him, not his mother, and the single most important thing that I can do is pray for her and stay away from her.

Oh, and no I don't have a problem with her because she disagrees with me. Maybe you all didn't read my posts clearly? I had a problem with her because she tries to provoke me to argue with her by making disrespectful comments toward me. I had a problem with her because she'll try and front me off in front of other people for no reason. I had a problem with her because she's controlling and wants to dictate what goes on in our relationship.

I don't agree with the idea of not being with someone because you have a problem with someone in their family, but to each her own. I do agree, however, that I shouldn't get stressed out over someone else, though.

I'm a pre-law student with a home based travel business. Between preparing for law school, and building my business muscles, she suddenly became insignificant.

 

[2Cute!]

Well, I apologize if this isn't refined enough for some of you, but I think I'm entitled to vent. @michelle81, it really doesn't have to be that serious! That's the point. I say hello out of respect, and leave it at that. She somehow manages to say or do something to ignite an argument. Like random "She gone try and take my son from me!" rants at his grandfather's repast :smh: or "I bet she wouldn't even let me see my grandbabies." I'm not prego and don't plan on being for a looong time...where is this coming from??? @CoCoChanel ...girl, I can't even begin to describe. He's my heart

Girl, I can feel your pain. It's hard for other people who haven't been in that place to relate. I've been there, so I know. No matter how hard you try to be respectful and polite, they still "take you there." I think your initial plan to stay away from her is your best bet. Sooner or later, she will get a clue.

But whatever you, always remain refined and classy. Don't let her behavior change yours.

 

[YankeeCandle]

Boy, do I feel for you.

I have seen the aftermath of the mother-in-law drama...in my own parents' marriage.

My kind and soft-spoken mother was raked over the coals by Grandma, until the latter's death. Grandma used to be up to all sorts of tricks...even after she died: when cleaning out Grandma's personal effects after her death, my mother was stunned and hurt to discover a stack of letters Grandma had written to her other sons, spreading lies and unjust gossip about my mother.

In case you were wondering, Grandma raised her 3 sons all by herself due to the early death of her husband. Yeah, that definitely had something to do with her unhealthy attitude toward her sons' wives, but her own personality was what tipped the scale; lots of single mothers are lovely people who don't act like Bride of Chucky to their relatives.

Anyway, here's how I personally learned to deal with Grandma, as a pre-teen. LOL, yup, I had to emotionally "grow up" quick to deal with her poison:

Smile, smile, smile and oooze, oooze, oooze charm and sweetness, the faker and over-the-top the better. One day grandma came to visit and looked at me, saying, "I see you are even fatter than last time."

"Oh, Granny," I gushed, with a huge smile, "I've just been helping mommy cook up a storm to welcome you, our honored guest; guess I've been sampling too much-- ::"

::annoyed look on Granny's face as she realizes her barb has not hit home.::

"My OTHER grandchildren... " [insert cruel comparison]

"Oh, Grandma, PLEASE tell me about my cousins/your other grandchildren. I SO want to learn to be as fabulous as them."

::now looks suspiciously at me but realizes there is no way she can confront me without casting light on her own wickedness.::

She may have been incensed, but you can bet that she gained a teensy measure of--if not respect---recognition that when someone messes with this little pre-teen's mommy, this pre-teen is not to be trifled with.

If an 11 year old can do it, you can too.

Throw her off her game. Return evil with courtesy and good cheer.

And also learn to feel a bit sad for her, because she must have some deep issues to cling so desperately to the man she loves as she sees him cling to another.

 

[Candygirl]

Pray over this whole situation and leave it to God. I'd say she may be suffering from the green eyed monster. Not all, but alot of mothers feel threatened by a female in their son's life depending on the kind of bond they have. Just go in peace, and support your bf in his time of need and remain the lady you are.

 

[Ganjababy]

You cannot change her behaviour, but you can change how you react to it. It is horrible when someone in your SO/DH family hates you and make no bones about it.