i need some SERIOUS advice!!

[L.Brown1114]

hello there!
here is my story. The guy i am talking to has a kid. i NEVER mess with guys that have children because my mother married a man who did and after 22 years of marriage he divorced her for his baby's mama. my mom told me she knew deep down he was in love with her but for her children to grow up with a father, turned the other cheek. WELL I'm making an exception for him because he treats me soo well and with respect and we have an AMAZING connection and the last guy i messed with had no kids and treated me like ****. my mother told me even if he doesn't leave you for the baby's mama, she will indirectly run your life due to if she's at work or busy he got the baby, no alone time. AND i will never be number one in his life, the baby will. and i think after all the assholes i've been through i deserve to be number one in a guys life!! but then these thought leave when i hear how he speaks with me and tells me he's not like these other bum fathers and not take care of their children. we are both 20 by the way and his son is 4 months if that makes a difference!

 

[Bunny77]

While I don't totally agree with your mother's reasoning, I think you should let this one go for other reasons.

He needs to be focusing on his newborn baby, not some new chick. It doesn't say much about him that he can have a baby with someone I assume he cared about not that long ago and then be "talking" to new women that quickly.

And you are too young to be dating men with children. Seriously.

 

[TayMac]

If I was childless and your age, I wouldn't fool with a man with a child. Especially a child that young...everything is still fresh and it can be quite messy. I don't see it as the mom running your life...he is supposed to have his kid (even when the mom isn't working/busy). He's not just a relief person.

Of course there are many exceptions..but at 20, I know there are many good guys with no kiddos.

A 4month old..his main focus should be that because an infant is a fulltime job.

 

[L.Brown1114]

While I don't totally agree with your mother's reasoning, I think you should let this one go for other reasons.

He needs to be focusing on his newborn baby, not some new chick. It doesn't say much about him that he can have a baby with someone I assume he cared about not that long ago and then be "talking" to new women that quickly.

And you are too young to be dating men with children. Seriously.

i know but i live in madison,wi were every black men is either with a white woman or in jail. the pickings are slim. i don't live in a big city where i can be choosy right now. a lot of men MY AGE either have children or white girls or dont want to settle down and has multiple groupies of thirsty pathetic females and thinks i'm going to be one of them.

 

[Bunny77]

i know but i live in madison,wi were every black men is either with a white woman or in jail. the pickings are slim. i don't live in a big city where i can be choosy right now. a lot of men MY AGE either have children or white girls or dont want to settle down and has multiple groupies of thirsty pathetic females and thinks i'm going to be one of them.

Are you a Badger?


Well... who says you have to have a black man? Actually, scratch that for a minute... why do you HAVE to have a man? You ABSOLUTELY should be choosy -- if I had to have a black man (and I don't, but that's just me), I wouldn't "settle" with losers... I'd wait until I had the chance to get to a bigger city with more selections. If that means waiting until I graduated, so be it.

It ain't a crime to be single and you don't HAVE to have a man right now. You're 20, not 60 and you do NOT need to be dating men with kids.

As for expanding your options, what about Milwaukee? Chicago?

 

[TayMac]

i know but i live in madison,wi were every black men is either with a white woman or in jail. the pickings are slim. i don't live in a big city where i can be choosy right now. a lot of men MY AGE either have children or white girls or dont want to settle down and has multiple groupies of thirsty pathetic females and thinks i'm going to be one of them.

Do you want to be his baby mama #2? Already he has shown he may not be the settling type.

 

[natural in ATL]

Are you a Badger?


Well... who says you have to have a black man? Actually, scratch that for a minute... why do you HAVE to have a man? You ABSOLUTELY should be choosy -- if I had to have a black man (and I don't, but that's just me), I wouldn't "settle" with losers... I'd wait until I had the chance to get to a bigger city with more selections. If that means waiting until I graduated, so be it.

It ain't a crime to be single and you don't HAVE to have a man right now. You're 20, not 60 and you do NOT need to be dating men with kids.

As for expanding your options, what about Milwaukee? Chicago?

I went to Madison (Go Badgers!) and although there weren't hundreds of black students there, I definitely had a decent amount of black men to choose from that had no kids and were about business. And if you are open to dating outside of your race, there are TONS of eligible men of many races around your age in Madison.

I agree with Bunny's suggestions about Chicago or Milwaukee - Milwaukee is so close to Madison and they have some nice events you can scope out that bring out lots of black men (Summerfest, etc.).

By the way, I'd recommend that you let this man focus on his child. His child should be #1 in his life, and he really shouldn't have much time to spend with you right now anyway.

 

[Almaz]

Okay:

At 20 you have WAY more options than someone at 40 or 50 you are just starting your life out now. This sounds like a lot of mess to have to deal with at this time in your life.

Your mothers reasonings should not be your own that was HER experience. If you deal with someone that knowingly still loves the childs mother or father or even if they did not have children together but they have a torch burning for someone and it is not you and you STILL get involved. Whatever happens don't get salty cause you knew. Just saying.

He is 20 also. This is all too fresh. Madison great college town and some really good restaurants. You mean as big as that little college town is there is not one Black man that goes to madison that has his act together. I know outside of the University setting it can get kind of shady.

Do you HAVE to have a Black man. Are you in school? What do you want to do with your life. Yeah he may treat you nice, And that is all fine for now. Humm the baby is only 4 months. Are you sure he still ain't hittin that as the young people say? Are you SURE. Of C'OURSE his child should be number one in his life. Why would you deal with a guy who doesn't think like that. If he doesn't see that with his first child he probably won't be that way with any other child he has too.

As long as he treats you well that is fine but just keep your eyes open

I would have to see you as one of the many types of people that we on the thread write about. you know the ones as Biacalyse said

Its a shame that women will turn their lives upside down to be with a Dude with ZERO Prospects

I hope this is not you.

hello there!
here is my story. The guy i am talking to has a kid. i NEVER mess with guys that have children because my mother married a man who did and after 22 years of marriage he divorced her for his baby's mama. my mom told me she knew deep down he was in love with her but for her children to grow up with a father, turned the other cheek. WELL I'm making an exception for him because he treats me soo well and with respect and we have an AMAZING connection and the last guy i messed with had no kids and treated me like ****. my mother told me even if he doesn't leave you for the baby's mama, she will indirectly run your life due to if she's at work or busy he got the baby, no alone time. AND i will never be number one in his life, the baby will. and i think after all the assholes i've been through i deserve to be number one in a guys life!! but then these thought leave when i hear how he speaks with me and tells me he's not like these other bum fathers and not take care of their children. we are both 20 by the way and his son is 4 months if that makes a difference!

 

[Xavier]

A 4 month old, come on now lets get real! I am not sure that he is over the mother of his child that quick or not, but I can assure you she(BM)hasn't gotten over him.

At this point he should be getting acclimated with being a new father, working on financially supporting his child, and discussing the details of co-parenting.

At 20, I think you are settling and you should want better for yourself. Let him go now before you get too attached.

 

[L.Brown1114]

yes this is all true! i actually dont go to uw-madison. i was born and raised in madison and i go to MATC. (madison not milwaukee) so i dont get a chance to meet any of the college guys because i dont go there.
but you guys are absolutely right. i do deserve better and i should wait and not have to have a guy all the time. i guess i should wait! and i would LOVE to date outside of my race, but in madison white guys dating black girls is like seeing a pot of gold lol

 

[Jade Feria]

Cosigning what each of these ladies said. You're young, don't worry yourself about "pickings" or "settling down". Keep your options open. If you live in a college town like they're saying, I'm sure you can find plenty of guys to choose from. This guy JUST had a baby, which means there is absolutely NO DOUBT that the baby mama is still in the picture. And of course the baby will be number one. He/she better be!

It's great that you guys have an amazing connection but remember, things are still new. I'm sure he and the baby's mother had a great connection too. That's why there's a baby in the picture now. So who's to say what will happen 4, 6, 9 months from now?

I wouldn't put all my eggs in this basket if I were you.

 

[Chromia]

I agree with checking out Milwaukee or Chicago. Or Minneapolis. Or Des Moines. But keep looking in Madison.

If you and this guy were 40 and his kid were 10 I would write something encouraging, but you're so young and his baby is so young. He really really needs to focus on doing things with the baby or for the baby. Parents of newborns should not be dating anyone. If he can't be with the baby's mother he should just focus on being a dad and school and/or work.

You deserve to be free and have fun with a guy, and you can't really do that with him.

 

[L.Brown1114]

and hispanic guys dont talk to you because black and hispanic guys stay to their race, but white girls are up for grabs lol

 

[Poohbear]

Your mother's situation is irrelevant to your situation. However, the guy you're interested in has a 4 month old child at 20 years old? Big red flag. Run while you can. Seriously. And you're talking about there isn't that many black men to go around? Live a little longer. But more importantly, focus on you. Like someone said, you don't want to end up being baby mama number two.

 

[Chromia]

yes this is all true! i actually dont go to uw-madison. i was born and raised in madison and i go to MATC. (madison not milwaukee) so i dont get a chance to meet any of the college guys because i dont go there.
but you guys are absolutely right. i do deserve better and i should wait and not have to have a guy all the time. i guess i should wait! and i would LOVE to date outside of my race, but in madison white guys dating black girls is like seeing a pot of gold lol

Do you belong to any clubs, organizations, or the student government at your school? Do you go to your school's games?

 

[deltagyrl]

Girl, don't do it. Your whole life is ahead of you. Finish school and if it's meant to be, maybe later. Don't rush to deal with all that heavy foolishness. Enjoy the carefree feeling of being 20.

 

[Poohbear]

i know but i live in madison,wi were every black men is either with a white woman or in jail. the pickings are slim. i don't live in a big city where i can be choosy right now. a lot of men MY AGE either have children or white girls or dont want to settle down and has multiple groupies of thirsty pathetic females and thinks i'm going to be one of them.

and hispanic guys dont talk to you because black and hispanic guys stay to their race, but white girls are up for grabs lol

Get rid of these stereotypes and generalizations. I'm sure there are black men in Madison, WI who are not with White women and who are not in jail and who do not have children. If the pickings are slim, so what? Doesn't mean you should settle for less. Most guys who have a baby fresh off the market are looking to play the field even more and get their little willies wet even more, especially if they are young. Just think about it... he has a 4 month old child... he's not with his child's mother... what makes you think he wants something serious with you?

 

[Chromia]

I did a google search for MATC and I saw this:

Student Organizations: Learn and Have Fun
MATC students have many outside-the-classroom opportunities to learn and have fun. The college features about 50 professional organizations that enhance the learning experience. Student organizations are a great way to develop your skills, share interests, grow your resume and meet other students. Student organizations are administered through:

Office of Student Life
Downtown Milwaukee Campus
414-297-6870
To receive more information about an organization via e-mail, send an e-mail to [email protected].

Here are the current student organizations that all students are eligible to join:
Academically Achieving African Americans
Architectural Technology Club
Area Student Senate Board
Asian Student Association
Association of Information Technology Professionals - Oak Creek
Association of Information Technology Professionals - West Allis
Black Student Union
Campus Crusade for Christ - Milwaukee
Criminal Justice Student Organization - Oak Creek
Culinary Arts Student Association - Oak Creek
Dietetic Technician Association - West Allis
Early Childhood Education Organization - Milwaukee
Electronics Club - West Allis
Environmental Club - Mequon
Fencing Club
Franco Phone - Milwaukee
Future Black Nurses Association Mentoring Group - Milwaukee
Future Hospitality Managers of America - Milwaukee
Heating, Ventilating, Air Conditioning Club (HVAC) - Oak Creek
Horticulture Club - Mequon
Interior Design Club - West Allis
International Student Organization - Milwaukee
International Student Club - Oak Creek
International Student Club - West Allis
Latino Student Organization - Milwaukee
Marketing Management (M&M) Club - Oak Creek
MATC Chess Club - Milwaukee
MATC Deaf Club - Milwaukee
MATC's Rainbow - Milwaukee
MATC Times
National Technical Honor Society
Native American Student Movement (NASM)
Occupational Therapy Association - Milwaukee
Paralegal Association - Milwaukee
Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society
Radiography Student Organization - Milwaukee
Respiratory Therapy Student Association - Milwaukee
Sigma Phi Sigma - West Allis
Student Affiliates of the American Chemical Society - MATC Chapter
Student American Dental Hygiene Association - Milwaukee
Student Nurses Association
Student Senate - Milwaukee
Student Senate - Mequon
Student Senate - Oak Creek
Student Senate - West Allis
Student Wisconsin Education Association - Milwaukee
United Hispanic Students Club - Oak Creek
Veterans Club - Milwaukee
Welding Club - West Allis

Do you know the guys in the Academically Achieving African Americans club or the Black Student Union? And definitely keep your options open and keep your eyes open for any non-black guy who could be a potential date/boyfriend.

 

[mscocoface]

He does NOT have the background or history under his belt YET to determine what type of father he truly is. Heck that record may not become real clear until the child is in high school.

You are young, you have lots of other potentials. If you really like this guy, take it slower than molasses. I am talking friendship for a loooooong time and not friends with benefits before you become emotionally involved, which it does sound like you may be just a little.

You deserve the best and someone who can focus his attention on you. He is young you are two. Him having a 4 month old is a serious red flag and you could possibly be a real distraction to him.

I truly wish you the very very best.

 

[Bunny77]

I did a google search for MATC and I saw this:


Do you know the guys in the Academically Achieving African Americans club or the Black Student Union? And definitely keep your options open and keep your eyes open for any non-black guy who could be a potential date/boyfriend.

I love LHCF!


Yeah, wherever you go to school, meet the men in on-campus clubs, etc., who are about something. Even if they all just become friends, you can hang out with them, meet more people, etc...

 

[mscocoface]

Ms. Brown I challenge you to attend at least 7 of those organization mentioned in the next 5 months. You could visit two a month until you leave there and make it a goal to just meet and introduce yourself to one male and female from each of them. Collect numbers, emails and facebook addresses. Be selective.

You control how sociable you want to be on campus. Go for broke!

Now come back by the end of Feburary and tell us how it is going.

 

[PJaye]

In my opinion, any man that doesn't place his children before all others would get a stiff smile and a nod from me as I ran for the nearest exit. I feel that person's child should come first above all, even spouses, but that's just my opinion and I certainly do not rule the world or I would head to Capitol Hill and clean house.

Please, do not lower your personal bar simply because the local pickings are slim. Focus on you until you are in a more socially differentiated situation. Plus, you should always be aware of the fact that when you date someone with children, he, the child and the child's mother come together as a package; there is no separating them. If you do try to catalogue that situation, you will most certainly encounter unnecessary difficulties. And, while I can certainly understand your feelings regarding the rapport you and he have established, that does not necessitate that you build a relationship with him; particularly since he's busy building one with his new child (or should be, in my opinion). I've had great connections with the customer support staff at Verizon, too, but that doesn't mean I want to stare into their eyes over a steak dinner. NowutImean?

 

[ladysaraii]

hello there!
here is my story. The guy i am talking to has a kid. i NEVER mess with guys that have children because my mother married a man who did and after 22 years of marriage he divorced her for his baby's mama. my mom told me she knew deep down he was in love with her but for her children to grow up with a father, turned the other cheek. WELL I'm making an exception for him because he treats me soo well and with respect and we have an AMAZING connection and the last guy i messed with had no kids and treated me like ****. my mother told me even if he doesn't leave you for the baby's mama, she will indirectly run your life due to if she's at work or busy he got the baby, no alone time. AND i will never be number one in his life, the baby will. and i think after all the assholes i've been through i deserve to be number one in a guys life!! but then these thought leave when i hear how he speaks with me and tells me he's not like these other bum fathers and not take care of their children. we are both 20 by the way and his son is 4 months if that makes a difference!

Like the others have said, KIM. 4 months is too short a time for him to know what he wants. I'm not saying that your mother's situation will repeat, but it's not enough time to be sure he's out the doghouse. Yeah, I know a little about this. erplexed

As to the bolded, I understand what you mean and I feel you. My mom used to tell me 'Your father and I were married b4 you came along' I want that for myself, I'm not interested in playing number 2 to a kid, right or not.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

OP...I understand your concern and where you are coming from in regards to short supply of black men in WI...from having partied up there myself...those notes you made are very accurate...

I know at this point you guys are talking and maybe keep it that way and turn it into a friendship and let him know whats up and that you understand he's a great father (which from the way it sounds he plans on being...is doing and no I don't think he has to be with the baby 24/7 to do so) and that you would like to encourage him with his endeavors but in the mean time you are currently dating and seeking others that are in line with what you currently have to offer...goals, school, and no kids...

Don't let "whispers of sweet nothings" distract your train from reaching its destination...it sounds great now but you have so much more to explore...get active and meet people with similar aspirations/goals that you have, like minds, other races and no kids!

By the way I love Wisconsin smoked string cheese...ya'll got some where you at?

 

[naijamerican]

i know but i live in madison,wi were every black men is either with a white woman or in jail. the pickings are slim. i don't live in a big city where i can be choosy right now. a lot of men MY AGE either have children or white girls or dont want to settle down and has multiple groupies of thirsty pathetic females and thinks i'm going to be one of them.

L, I'm speaking this as someone who has a younger sister who is only one year younger than you, and am grateful for others who have challenged this line of thinking: You are way too young to subscribe to such a destructive way of viewing your choices in men. Period, point-blank. That mentality underlies so many of the dysfunctional relationships, diseases, behavioral patterns, etc. in our community at large - I could go on and on, but I won't. Furthermore, if you continue to deal with this man and to view the world through such a lens, I guarantee you that you will become the very thing you discussed: a thirsty female who sticks to a man with multiple groupies.

At 20 years of age, you have already demonstrated sound presence of mind and maturity in coming here to get advice and to state your truth with honesty. I truly do appreciate it and commend you, and so I'm respectfully urging you, from one sister to another, to do what Mscocoface and Chromia said. Please, please do it with a mentality that is open to embracing good, positive opportunities, the likes of which you are more than worthy of receiving. Please do not ever think that you have to pick from scraps just because that's all you see. It's better to be single than to settle. I firmly believe that.