I need some Dr.Laura advice on this, he's got baggage!

[Ivonnovi]

First I admit that I have my own, but this post is not about them.

I recently started dating a guy that “seems” to embody all the characteristics that I like and am attracted to. We’ve known each other about 3 years, he’s been divorced for 1.5yrs(he divorced her), and he treats me well so far ….
Well we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now, and he’s presently at home 8hrs away to attend a funeral. I offered to ride with him as he’s going there for the service and returning immediately. He tells me he doesn’t want drama from the ex-wife, and eventually goes into how he’s considering getting a restraining order against her.
During the above conversation, he relates to me how “if it wasn’t for the kids he would not have to deal with her. She’s told him that she does not want her kids around xyz. If she hears about a relationship, she will do what she can to drive them off, make his life miserable….blah, blah, blah.” & he was wondering how to tell me about this.

My problem: My feelings is that “she” can’t drive me off, but his actions in handling this mess and her can. I’ll wait til he returns before I share this view/concern....

erplexed I see/imagine other red flags with this disclosure, but I’m a rookie at this BS; I’d like to hear from those of you all who have been on both sides of this type of situation.

I know my LHCF sisters will give me the Good , the Bad, and the Ugly; “straight no chaser"

 

[ThickHair]

Run, he just told you what he is going to endure (take) from the exwife.

 

[kmn1980]

Have you asked why they divorced. That's also an important piece of info that you'll want to know.

The fact that he is considering a restraining order against her is concerning. To me that says she has the potential for violence...something you don't need.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

why would u invite urself to go to a funeral? and when u git der, whatchall gonna do? i ain't neva in all my __ years heard of invitin urself to a funeral wif a guy whose recently divorced. a funeral date? where they do dat at...

why are you making his and her issues YOUR issues. first of all, black folks don't just go to services and immediately turn round and come back home...specially when its outta town. services run bout 3 hours...by da time they fall all ova da casket n shyt, go to da cemetary, then go to the repass n check out who wif who...who got what, who got on what...chile puleez...

so now, he don't want no drama from da ex and thinkin bout gettin a restraining order on her. lemme just say, i betchu if u sit down n talk to her (which i don't advise u do), u would get a whole notha story.

he wants sympathy. u ain't his therapist...dayum dat....he's lookin to u for advice, and he gotchu so phucked wif his shyt dat he gotchu writin on LHCF for advice to help u wif HIS shyt...git da phuck.

dis sum bu'shyt.

leave it alone. anytime u gotta sit around n try to figa shyt out...it usually ain't worth it. stop makin his problems ur problems. da dyck can't be all dat....

 

[JFemme]

Only two weeks.... I'd ease up outta that, let him go....

 

[Ivonnovi]

OH MY I see I hit JerseyGirl's radar!!!!! (LOL)

Just to clarify, IT WAS NOT my intention to go to the Service. I offered to "ride" up there with him to help with the driving portion (he worked this weekend, will have to work on Tue; & I had 3-days off including today); I would have stayed in a hotel room that night and during most of the service (studying & preparing for a class I have to give this weekend). The "ride-along" is not uncommon amongst Servicemembers, kind of a "battle buddy"move.


Thank you all for your input.

P.S. JerseyGirl: Yo shyt Mo'funny when it don't pertaine to me.erplexed Keep it comming though!

 

[awhyley]

There are alot of unanswered questions here. I'm assuming that the ex-wife knew the deceased, but where does she live? Why does he need a restraining order? Why did they get divorced in the first place? Who can corroborate this information about the divorce? You may need to get more info. before you can call him your boyfriend.

 

[Mai Tai]

Why is this man letting his Ex-Wife dictate his life like that? He is too grown to be messing around with this foolishness. She sounds like a woman scorned and legally she cannot keep his kids from him just because she doesn't want him to be in a relationship.

I get the feeling that you already know what to do. My advice to you is to leave this dude alone until he gets all this drama taken care of. No need to stress yourself over someone else's baggage.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

OH MY I see I hit JerseyGirl's radar!!!!! (LOL)

Just to clarify, IT WAS NOT my intention to go to the Service. I offered to "ride" up there with him to help with the driving portion (he worked this weekend, will have to work on Tue; & I had 3-days off including today); I would stayed in a hotel room that night and during most of the service (studing & preparing for a class I have to give this weekend). The "ride-along" is not uncommon amongst Servicemembers, kind of a "battle buddy"move.


Thank you all for your input.

P.S. JerseyGirl: Yo shyt Mo'funny when it don't pertaine to me.erplexed Keep it comming though!

'


its all good chile...i give advice outta love....mostly cuz i done been there n done that and i hate to see women go thru bs wif these men... sum times u gotta think like'em in order to understand....

 

[frizzy]

Dude ain't ready for a relationship, he's still caught up in the old one.

He shouldn't be bringing you or anybody else into "harms way" since he needs a restraining order.

Did I read this correctly, ya'll gonna drive 8 hrs. one way attend a funeral and drive back 8 hrs.? He doesn't have good judgement.

Dude and his funeral is one ride I would not be taking.

ETA--ThatJerseyGirl hit the nailsssssss on the head.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I guess I'm the only one who read the OP and thought ole dude was still married. This story about the crazy ex was meant to make you say "oh, we'll keep me out of her sight to make it easier on you."

 

[Fiyawerks]

why would u invite urself to go to a funeral? and when u git der, whatchall gonna do? i ain't neva in all my __ years heard of invitin urself to a funeral wif a guy whose recently divorced. a funeral date? where they do dat at...

why are you making his and her issues YOUR issues. first of all, black folks don't just go to services and immediately turn round and come back home...specially when its outta town. services run bout 3 hours...by da time they fall all ova da casket n shyt, go to da cemetary, then go to the repass n check out who wif who...who got what, who got on what...chile puleez...

so now, he don't want no drama from da ex and thinkin bout gettin a restraining order on her. lemme just say, i betchu if u sit down n talk to her (which i don't advise u do), u would get a whole notha story.

he wants sympathy. u ain't his therapist...dayum dat....he's lookin to u for advice, and he gotchu so phucked wif his shyt dat he gotchu writin on LHCF for advice to help u wif HIS shyt...git da phuck.

dis sum bu'shyt.

leave it alone. anytime u gotta sit around n try to figa shyt out...it usually ain't worth it. stop makin his problems ur problems. da dyck can't be all dat....

^^^all of that is Extra!!!

Yep, he has baggage, and lots of it; dismiss yourself from the situation before it goes from bad to worse.

 

[mscocoface]

I am like that others. Cool your jets on this one, let him figure out what is worth fighting for and right now it doesn't sound like you are or should be.

 

[*CherryPie*]

OP, you are 2nd place to this woman in this man's life. The ex-wife is 1st. She is going to dictate what happens in his life, and if you're with him-what happens in yours too.

I would try to find out from someone other than him, as to WHY he and his ex divorced. You may be walking into some strange stuff. Men OFTEN lie about their divorce to make themselves look like the innocent one. USUALLY it's the opposite.

It kinda sounds like he still has "emotions" for this ex (if she IS an EX), and he may not want you to go with him because he won't be able to be "HIMSELF" around her with you there. He may be HIDING you, telling her that he's single.

This smells like DRAMA brewing.

 

[honeycomb719]

I think the advice given so far is on point...Now just depends on if you will take heed OP.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Dayummmm, I knew ya'll would bring it!

This must be "Go hard, or Log-off" day!​

Yes he's got quite a bit more explaining to do about their relationship (Interrogation style). I try not to get all up in the Kool-aid right of the back, but around these parts it seems an ab-so-lute neccessity!

I'm taking notes on veiws expressed here.

 

[Zuleika]

why would u invite urself to go to a funeral? and when u git der, whatchall gonna do? i ain't neva in all my __ years heard of invitin urself to a funeral wif a guy whose recently divorced. a funeral date? where they do dat at...

why are you making his and her issues YOUR issues. first of all, black folks don't just go to services and immediately turn round and come back home...specially when its outta town. services run bout 3 hours...by da time they fall all ova da casket n shyt, go to da cemetary, then go to the repass n check out who wif who...who got what, who got on what...chile puleez...

so now, he don't want no drama from da ex and thinkin bout gettin a restraining order on her. lemme just say, i betchu if u sit down n talk to her (which i don't advise u do), u would get a whole notha story.

he wants sympathy. u ain't his therapist...dayum dat....he's lookin to u for advice, and he gotchu so phucked wif his shyt dat he gotchu writin on LHCF for advice to help u wif HIS shyt...git da phuck.

dis sum bu'shyt.

leave it alone. anytime u gotta sit around n try to figa shyt out...it usually ain't worth it. stop makin his problems ur problems. da dyck can't be all dat....

 

[*CherryPie*]

It's best to get the "what-ifs" cleared up early in the relationship, before you get too emotionally invested. You HAVE to get all up in the kool-aid! Afterall, this is your life too.

Dayummmm, I knew ya'll would bring it!

This must be "Go hard, or Log-off" day!​

Yes he's got quite a bit more explaining to do about their relationship (Interrogation style). I try not to get all up in the Kool-aid right of the back, but around these parts it seems an ab-so-lute neccessity!

I'm taking notes on veiws expressed here.

 

[mscocoface]

I know you know we are saying this all in love and support of you right?

We would rather be the ones telling it to you real versus learning a hard lesson with some serious drama and trama.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

You want Dr. Laura advice, well you'll get it. I've read all of her books except the marriage series. She has changed my life.

What would Dr. Laura say? He shouldn't be dating anyone anyway until the youngest kid is 18 as it is. You have issues you need to work on because for you to even entertain a potential volatile situation says a lot about you and what you've possibly put up in the past (you wanted it Dr. L style, that's what you're getting). "You won't let her chase you away"? What have you put up in your life that you always feel that stubbornness is always the answer? When it comes to the kids, he has already made it clear that you will lose. Take the not so subtle hints that he's giving you now and save yourself some heartache later. Wish him the best and leave.

 

[Bachelorette]

why would u invite urself to go to a funeral? and when u git der, whatchall gonna do? i ain't neva in all my __ years heard of invitin urself to a funeral wif a guy whose recently divorced. a funeral date? where they do dat at...
.

Agreed. If it were a different "event", I'd see the issue but a funeral? why would you wanna be part of that..so soon too?

 

[MissJ]

Well, I can't comment on this situation, but I'm sure ThatJerseyGirl has it covered.

 

[PopLife]

OP I hate to be a negative Nancy but please take heed to his ex-wife's words....she WILL make your life a living hell.

My ex-husband's ex-wife told him the same exact thing the day before we got married and best believe she held true to those words. You mentioned they have kids together and trust that she will use them as bait every chance she gets...why, because she can. She is miserable, possible due to something that went on in their marriage and miserable people love to spread their misery around.

More than likely you will end up being his therapist and the person he takes all his frustrations caused by 'her" out on. I really don't like generalizing relationships but I really wish I would have listen to people who told me that nothing good could come out of this type of situation (dealing with a man with kids and crazy ex). Save yourself a lot of heartache and unnecessary drama... I wish I would have took heed to the red flags. Good Luck

 

[ThickHair]

Dayummmm, I knew ya'll would bring it!

This must be "Go hard, or Log-off" day!​

Yes he's got quite a bit more explaining to do about their relationship (Interrogation style). I try not to get all up in the Kool-aid right of the back, but around these parts it seems an ab-so-lute neccessity!

I'm taking notes on veiws expressed here.

This 8 hour ride is not the ride to get into his kool aid either. You should know the kool aid before you embark on an 8 hour ride with any dude, much less one with an ex who is kinda off, according to him though.

 

[Ivonnovi]

I don't want to sound defensive here, but the "Ex-Bomb" was dropped on me about 2hrs before he left. (barely 24hrs ago). I'd only offered to help with the drive an hour before that. IOW we did not spend alot of time discussing the aforementioned issues.

I will be defensive here: I WAS NOT/Twasn't going to the service, just asked him (at the last minute) if he wanted help him with the drive up and back. .....that's when the "ex-bomb" was dropped.

PopLife, thank you for your response too. I just knew that there were women on here that had first hand experience with this "situation" and your response was just what I was hopping for. Honest, reflective and to the point.

As I stated before, we'll have a lot to discuss when he returns. (as I bow out gracefully)

Derring-do, I'm with you on the bolded. And your response is so on point. You have her down pact!

You want Dr. Laura advice, well you'll get it. I've read all of her books except the marriage series. She has changed my life.

What would Dr. Laura say? He shouldn't be dating anyone anyway until the youngest kid is 18 as it is. You have issues you need to work on because for you to even entertain a potential volatile situation says a lot about you and what you've possibly put up in the past (you wanted it Dr. L style, that's what you're getting). "You won't let her chase you away"? What have you put up in your life that you always feel that stubbornness is always the answer? When it comes to the kids, he has already made it clear that you will lose. Take the not so subtle hints that he's giving you now and save yourself some heartache later. Wish him the best and leave.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

OP: I've been through a similar situation. I'm going to give you the summarized version. The ex-wife had issues with him moving on with his life. I knew this from jump, but invested myself in the relationship anyway. Almost a year later filled with nothing but drama, I walked away. The icing on the cake??? She told him he had to pick between me and his son. He told me his son was the most important person in his life and he comes first. Well, while he was working, I called my bestie, we packed up his stuff, put it in his car, and I parked his car in my Mom's driveway and gave my mother the keys. I told my mother to tell him to come get his (insert expletive)...WE ARE OVER!!!!

Sidenote: The ex-wife also claimed I abused her son while he was visiting. Trust me when I say it was enough to get rid of me. She won!

Another sidenote: She remarried and had another baby. Guess who is still alone???? You guessed right...him!

 

[bellezanegra826]

First I admit that I have my own, but this post is not about them.

I recently started dating a guy that “seems” to embody all the characteristics that I like and am attracted to. We’ve known each other about 3 years, he’s been divorced for 1.5yrs so he is officially free to date whoever he wants and bring new people into his children's lives. how well did you know him in those 3 years? did you ever have the opportunity to see him interact with his wife? did she appear to be as crazy as he has made her out to be, or did she get crazy b/c she had a problem with him having female friends?(he divorced her), and he treats me well so far ….except for the fact that he is hiding you from a woman who is not supposed to be in his romantic life anymore
Well we’ve been talking for about 2 weeks now , and he’s presently at home 8hrs away to attend a funeral. I offered to ride with him as he’s going there for the service and returning immediately. He tells me he doesn’t want drama from the ex-wife they are divorced. why would there be drama? he's free to date right?, and eventually goes into how he’s considering getting a restraining order against her. but instead, he has decided to be around her and feed into her demands by making her think that he's not moving on with his life.
During the above conversation, he relates to me how “if it wasn’t for the kids he would not have to deal with her and that is the only capacity in which he should be dealing with her. She’s told him that she does not want her kids around xyz. you are not xyz, you are the woman that her ex-husband has decided to date after being divorced for 1.5 years, not 1.5 minutes. If she hears about a relationship, she will do what she can to drive them off, aka she will tell the new woman the real reasons why their relationship didn't work out. if you have only known him for 3 years and not her, you can't get her side of the story. he's not necessarily going to tell you information that is going to make him look bad (if such info exists) if he has skeletons in his closet, the best way to keep them hidden is to keep you away from his family and friends who know his dirt. make his life miserable….blah, blah, blah.” & he was wondering how to tell me about this. how long is he going to hide his relationships to make her happy? what if your relationship gets more serious? are you supposed to not get engaged or not get married b/c she doesn't want him to date?

My problem: My feelings is that “she” can’t drive me off, but his actions in handling this mess and her can. I’ll wait til he returns before I share this view/concern....

erplexed I see/imagine other red flags with this disclosure, but I’m a rookie at this BS; I’d like to hear from those of you all who have been on both sides of this type of situation.

I know my LHCF sisters will give me the Good , the Bad, and the Ugly; “straight no chaser"

Responses in blue.

Final thought: if you have only been dating in an official capacity for 2 weeks then i could understand if that was the reason that he didn't want you to go. however, he didn't site the 2 weeks of dating as the problem and let you know that he has a whole lot of baby mama drama instead. It would have been a whole lot easier for him to tell you that after only 2 weeks of dating, he wasn't quite ready to introduce you to the whole family just yet. although it was honorable of him to be honest with you about his baggage, the fact that he told you about it so soon is probably a sign that you will be hearing about this drama A LOT over the course of the relationship. Folks usually get big baggage out of the way early if its something that has a significant impact on their lives and is hard for them to avoid and/or hide

 

[bellezanegra826]

I guess I'm the only one who read the OP and thought ole dude was still married. This story about the crazy ex was meant to make you say "oh, we'll keep me out of her sight to make it easier on you."

no you're not alone girl. that thought crossed my mind too. 1.5 years is a long enough time to be broken up but he's acting like they just got separated or just broke up. if he was big, bad, and bold enough to file for a divorce, why is he running scared now? he wasn't afraid to leave her, but he's afraid to date someone else.

 

[panamoni]

You should never have to be in a hidden relationship. You deserve to have a relationship that is out in the open, and not negatively influenced by other people's problems.

The restraining order comment makes me think that either she is violent, he is violent, or they are both violent. Sounds like you would have to endure a lot to be with him -- not worth it.

Find someone who is truly available (emotionally, proximity, etc). He still has loose ends to tie up.

 

[CurlyMoo]

LOL, gull you hardly know this fool. 2 weeks in and you're already comtemplating taking on his drama. I say take a breather from this one. Remain friends until he settles his personal affairs.

The first mistake was offering to do the driving portion to the funeral. DON'T. DO. THAT. and DON'T BE TOO AVAILABLE! It's only been 2 weeks, you should still be a fantasy to him, not a soon to be future doormat. Let him be man enough to get himself together to make the drive on his own. Don't play shero before you find out if he's worth saving. You should have just sent him your best and told him you will see him when he get's back. Now go get your friends and get yourselves some peanut putter smoothies.