I need some advice...

afrofaithful

afrofaithful

Well-Known Member
So I posted about this before but in the off topic section...things have kind of changed so here it is...

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. A few months back it was very difficult and we broke up (only for a small amount of time). During the interim, I kind of hooked up with someone. When I say kind of I mean the guy was (IS STILL) a virgin so nothing happened. We did end up making out and laying in bed with each other (we were naked...:ohwell:). I didn't tell my boyfriend, and from the advice I received I was told that I shouldn't say anything. Being that we weren't together and it was really none of his business. Well, I got this advice when we weren't together. Now that we are again, I feel guilty. I feel like I should tell him. The thing is he is jealous and I don't want to lose his trust. He also recently told me that he knows I wouldn't be unfaithful, but I feel like I have done something wrong. Do you think I violated our trust? Do you think I should tell him? We are planning on being together when we are in the same country again, and are talking about getting married...

Any advice is appreciated...TIA
 
No. No no no!

This is from experience. Well sort of. I was in a relationship and I playfully groped a coworker...then i decided to tell my bf about it 1 year later because I felt guilty. This did not go over well :nono:

(I know my story is silly, but twas a youngin' then :lol:)

Unlike me, you guys were not together, therefore you did not cheat. Unless we're talking about a disease that was contracted from your inbetween-the-break-up buddy you don't need to disclose this info to your bf. you guys are long distance, so he will no longer trust you.

Do you trust that you will remain faithful? Are you trustworthy? Well then don't feel guilty because you did not break any rules.

I get it, it feels wrong. However you have to decide if this disclosure is worth the potential consequences.

Don't do it girl.
 
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I agree with NO. You guys were not together therefore you have no duty or responsibility to tell him anything you did while you guys were broken up (unless you got an std then you need to disclose).

There was no disloyalty because you guys were not together. You were single and had no boyfriend. Don't sabotage your current relationship over stuff that's none if his business.
 
But you weren't unfaithful. You were single at the time. What would telling him accomplish other than making the two of you feel like crap?
 
What do you gain by telling him about something that happened outside of the contract period?
Honest question. Tell me.
 
Fine 4s said:
What do you gain by telling him about something that happened outside of the contract period?
Honest question. Tell me.
Click to expand...

I just feel like I want to get it off my chest. I don't like to have secrets in a relationship. Maybe he has some, but I think when you love someone you are an open book, and I feel without telling him, I have whited out some of the pages.
 
I don't think this is about telling him. You need to come to term with the fact that you were not unfaithful. If you believed that, you would agree with the ladies there is nothing to tell. If you think you were being unfaithful (even though you weren't). of course he will think the same thing.
 
afrofaithful said:
I just feel like I want to get it off my chest. I don't like to have secrets in a relationship. Maybe he has some, but I think when you love someone you are an open book, and I feel without telling him, I have whited out some of the pages.
Click to expand...


And I think this is where women get in trouble. Please trust and believe your bf probably has things he wont tell you. You weren't together, so don't tell him unless you want an issue. I feel like if you wanted to say something, the time to have done it was when you first got back together, but even then, there is no point.
 
ladysaraii said:
And I think this is where women get in trouble. Please trust and believe your bf probably has things he wont tell you. You weren't together, so don't tell him unless you want an issue. I feel like if you wanted to say something, the time to have done it was when you first got back together, but even then, there is no point.
Click to expand...


Agreed 100%

Someone upthread made a good point. You need to come to terms with the fact that you didn't cheat. Cus you didn't. And the "open book" thing is a myth honey. Use your discretion on this one. "Girl feelings" get us in trouble.

He probably wouldn't want to know anyway, cus that info doesn't benefit him either.
 
Do you really want this relationship? Are you self sabotaging it? This is just the right type of fuel for his jealousy. Think he can handle it and never bring it up again? Sorry jealous men don't do that. IT WILL NOT make him trust you more. Let it go and enjoy the relationship.Somethings need to never be said. And this is one of them. Once you tell him this information, it CAN'T be untold. And the bad thing about it is, if he's the jealous type he may never let you live this down.
My brother has been married to his wife for over 25 years and still throws up the time she cheated on him BEFORE they were married.:nono:
 
You've received advice offline from someone you know saying not to say anything.

You've received multiple posts of advice saying not to say anything.

If you still feel like you need to get this off your chest, then go ahead and tell him.

Sometimes you just got to learn first hand.
 
afrofaithful said:
I just feel like I want to get it off my chest. I don't like to have secrets in a relationship. Maybe he has some, but I think when you love someone you are an open book, and I feel without telling him, I have whited out some of the pages.
Click to expand...
Do you feel like you want to be single again? Because that's what's going to happen if you tell him, he won't be able to trust you and will have images of you laid up with another dude.

I don't see any good that will come from you telling him, and this is coming from a person that values total honesty.

If you feel the need to tell him, write him an email get everything out but don't send it.

Think about it like this, how would you feel if the roles were reversed? Would you believe him if he told you that he laid in bed with another woman butter ball naked but nothing happened?:lachen::rolleyes:
The only thing that's going to result from this is 1) an argument 2)he's going to keep it in the back of his mind that when you two are not together you're going to lay in bed with another dude because you've already admitted to him that's what you've done.
 
I don't understand why you feel guilty over something that you DIDN'T do. I mean...why do you have this deep desire to come clean to your BF when you weren't together at the time.

Your obligation ended when you all broke up. Point blank...period...

Get right with whatever higher power you believe in and move on.
 
LivingInPeace said:
No. No. A thousand times no! And drop this open book nonsense. He's a man, not your diary.
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Yes...Yes...YES!!!!!! I told a friend one time..."He's your boyfriend, not your psychologist, priest, best girlfriend, or diary." And she looked at me like I grew an extra eyeball.
 
Why did you get advice about whether or not to tell him when you two weren't together? Did you have a feeling that you two would get back together?


I agree with the other ladies that it's none of his business.


ETA: Is the hook up someone you're still in contact with (school, work...)?
 
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Mai Tai said:
I don't understand why you feel guilty over something that you DIDN'T do. I mean...why do you have this deep desire to come clean to your BF when you weren't together at the time.

Your obligation ended when you all broke up. Point blank...period...

Get right with whatever higher power you believe in and move on.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry but :lol:
 
Its quite interesting that "opening up" is something that is many times a self focused act. Sometimes keeping things to yourself is for the good of a relationship/friendship and the loved ones self esteem.

This is one of those situations imo:yep:. This other guy happened during a break up. I assume you don't see him any more, or have any serious feelings for him. TODAY is today and today you are planning a future with SO. The break up is in the past and you both got over it. Don't drag it back up.

I'm guessing your partner is feeling pretty happy now and secure. What good would it do him mentally if you told him this? To have a visual of you naked with another man. Bearing in mind that this man you were naked with means nothing to you. When your SO thinks about it, it willl feel like it means so much more than it does. Including if he starts to link it to cheating which it has nothing to do with.:nono:

You would feel better, but he would feel upset probably for a long while. Is it worth it?

I'm speaking from the POV of someone who has a similar personality type, but I am fast realising over the past few years that sometimes honesty is not needed in all situations. Sometimes loving someone effectively means being conscious of whether the truth is the best for them. Telling someone about something that doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things can just cause unneccesary hurt.

IMO you should draw a line after the break up and consider it a new start . Look to the future.
 
you started another thread asking the exact same question, the majority keep saying 'no, don't tell him' but you seem to just want someone to encourage you to tell.
Like a previous poster indicated, sometimes experience is the best teacher.
I also used to think its better to tell all, but now that I'm older experience has taught me its not necessary. this news will hunt you, if you share it. Update us the aftermath.
 
Are you trying to make yourself feel better? Because telling him this is not going to make him fall into your arms. You were single when this happened. You were free to do as you pleased. I promise you the likelihood that he is bursting at the seams to tell you about anything that happened during your break from each other is slim to none. Nothing beneficial will come of you revealing that information.

If you want this relationship with this man, then it is in your best interest to keep it to yourself because the reaction you may get may not be the one you are expecting. Sometimes you have to leave well enough alone..
 
I also feel like you are trying to sabotage the relationship. You already know how your so is and yet you still want to tell him?? I'm not understanding. You said he's jealous so he will more than likely get upset and/or may break up with you. Is that what you want?? Do you want to be with virgin dude and you're just looking for a way out?? just leave him. If he went out and hooked up with someone else do you think he would tell you??
 
Don't tell him. It will accomplish nothing. You may feel better getting it off your chest initially but the next thing you'll be worried about is if he still trusts you, is your relationship the same, does he forgive you... Etc.

IMO you were separated even if it was brief. You did nothing wrong. If you value your relationship move on.
 
LivingInPeace said:
No. No. A thousand times no! And drop this open book nonsense. He's a man, not your diary.
Click to expand...

I haven't even read this thread or the OP, but keep yo mouth shut! This is coming from someone that never learns her lesson and it always bites me in my arse! He will make you pay. You will never hear the end of it. You will be made out to be some type of evil tramp. Don't do it!
 
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I think I've changed my mind. The only way I understood this kind of thing is by experience. Forget my silly story upthread. I used to feel the same way about the "open book/honesty" thing until I got a little bit older (which is now). although, I agree with every single woman in this thread :ohwell:

If it is eating you alive, then you should speak up.

And yes, this is a serious post.
 
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